Interesting article

[dbc1951]

Dating when you’re a short guy

By Jason Kersten It’s hard out there for a shrimp. Chalk it up to cold Darwinism, cultural standards, or the simple feminine desire to have a man around who can reach the top shelf, but just about every stature study in the last twenty years confirms what short guys already know: Women prefer taller men. But that doesn’t mean shorter men are doomed in the dating department. In fact, lots of men who fall under America’s 5’9” male average date with great success—often with taller women. Their playbook, honed by necessity, is all about evening the odds and picking up subtle signs of interest that their loftier brothers might ignore. Not convinced? Let these men’s struggles and solutions prove otherwise.

Challenge #1: Being short can wreak havoc with your confidence

While many women are happy to date a great guy regardless of his height, for some girls (especially the tall ones) it’s an instant deal breaker—and, given men are often responsible for making the first move, it can be tricky to know how to proceed. “There was a woman I was absolutely smitten with,” recalls Charles, 40, who’s a 5’7” surgeon living in New York City. “She was only a couple inches taller than me and friendly to me in group settings, so I figured I’d give it a shot. But after trying unsuccessfully to get a date with her, one of her friends finally told me the deal: I was too short for her.” Another experience many shorter guys suffer is when women do warm up to them... as a friend. “One time I was out with a short buddy of mine and a tall girl he was hitting on did the one thing that all short guys hate: She put his arm around him kind of like one would do with a little brother,” shudders Eric, a 40-year-old paramedic from Louisville, KY who’s 5’7”. Understandably, such experiences can leave many short guys feeling gun-shy. “If I’m approaching a woman who’s taller than me, I’d probably be dissuaded much more easily,” continues Eric. “I’ll probably interpret any bit of coyness or lack of enthusiasm as ‘Well, she just doesn’t go for shorter guys’ and steer clear.” [At 5'3 I'm not quite so quick to sympathize with these guys---especially a NYC surgeon]

Coping strategy: Know that plenty of women don’t mind half as much as you think

While sussing out who’s open to dating in the lower height ranges isn’t easy, there are ways to get a handle on who’s game. Case in point: Most men don’t pay that much attention to a woman’s shoes, but shorter guys hone in on them, and for good reason. “If I see a tall woman who’s got on four-inch heels, that’s a subtle message that she’s into being tall and it’s part of her personality. I’ll generally avoid these types as a rule,” says Eric. “But when I see a tall woman who wears flats, it’s a clear sign she’s not caught up in being tall. As a matter of fact, she’s trying to bring herself down a little bit. So I approach.” And for women, the word is that you need to be more explicit and encouraging if you’re interested in a shorter guy. “The taller women that I’ve dated actually came more to me than I pursued them,” says Eric, who is currently dating a woman a couple inches taller than him. “The woman I’m dating right now came and gave me a kiss at a party. It was that easy.” [YMMV.....my shorter male friends who have had success this way have been in the 5'6-5'7 range.]

Challenge #2: In the online dating world, height can be listed as a mate must-have

On many online dating sites, members are asked to list their own height as well as the desired stature of the people they’d like to date. For shorter guys, this can present obvious problems—and while it’s tempting to fudge the facts a few inches in your profile, the game will be over once you meet face to face. “If you walk into a date and you’ve said you’re two inches taller than you are, then you might as well be wearing a big sign that says ‘liar,’” points out Eric. So be honest, but also be willing to take a proactive role in scanning for and emailing women online since you may not make their minimum height requirement when they do the searching. [i tend to be VERY specific about anything that might be a distinct turnoff although I'm considerably more flexible these days. Too few people (of any size) fail to realize that you need to think outside of the box.]

Coping strategy: Realize that most women will bend their rules for the right guy

While the situation may look bleak, shorter online daters shouldn’t despair and here’s why: What women list they want in a mate ideally can be light years from what they’re perfectly happy to accept in the right guy. Eric, for one, was at first surprised when his online profile got interest from taller women who were breaking the very height requirements they listed in their own online profile. “They write that they’re looking for a taller guy, but then again, they’re contacting me,” he says, adding that at first he felt the need to explain to them that he might not live up to their lofty standards. “I used to tell them I’m a lot shorter than you’re looking for, but I don’t do it anymore because it’s pointless. They see it in your profile anyway.” Bill, a 35-year-old publishing executive from Rochester, NY, who’s 5’6”, says he’s had a good response online from women of all heights. “I have taller girls emailing me a lot, even though I don’t meet the height they say they’re looking for,” he says, “They all tell me my profile made them laugh. I think the key is having something to capture their attention other than height. Humor’s the best.” [it never helps to fib on anything. Eventually the other person is going to see you. Awkward explanations usually don't leads to second dates.]

Challenge #3: Short guys aren’t always taken seriously

Even guys who do find a gal who’s fine and dandy with a height differential know that being an odd couple can be hard—for instance, strangers may do double-takes and friends and family may make snide, behind-the-back comments from friends and family. “Generally speaking, if you’re a short guy and you’re dating a tall woman and you walk into a bar, people tend to laugh or whisper about you,” says Eric. “Or have you ever noticed how men think it’s OK to hit on a tall girl even if it’s obvious she’s dating the short dude standing right next to her?” [Generally speaking, short guys are marginalized by society. That carries over to (SOME) women's attitudes. One "feminist" told me she needed a taller guy to feel protected. GMAFB.]

Coping strategy: Confidence can make any guy seem ten feet tall

One lesson short guys learn early on is that confidence, not height, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. “If you’re hitting on a taller woman, don’t even blink,” recommends Bill. “Just interact totally straight on, like there’s nothing weird. Never let your actual stature affect your sense of metaphorical stature.” In fact, showing a taller girl your chutzpah works especially well when you’re short. “If a woman is taller than you, she knows that she’s taller than you, then she’ll see your approaching her as a sign that you’re very confident with who you are.’ That puts you in a very good light, in front of her and in front of others,” says Eric. So when you’re taking a woman out and get a double-take or see someone giggling in your direction, remember: Your date chose to go out with you because you have all kinds of great things going for you. So don’t let another person’s height hang-up put a dent in your confidence.

And that brings up a valuable big-picture perspective: Height hang-ups are just that—another person’s issue, not yours. So if you do get rebuffed because of your stature, consider how Charles looks at the situation: “If a girl doesn’t want to date me because I’m shorter, I just think ‘Too bad for her. She’s missing out on me.’” [Hang-ups are always the other person's problem---until you let them infect you. The dates (few and far between) that I've had were simply as a result of asking someone out and not explaining "hey. I'm like REALLY short". She'll get the picture soon enough.]

Jason Kersten is a regular contributor to Maxim, Rolling Stone, and other magazines. To read the other side of the story, click here.

[The other side is about taller women dating.]

[dbc1951]

............or maybe not.

[Caliope]

The media feeds on peoples interest in certain subjects because it helps to motivate sales or to attract new readers.

If this is the view point you want to embrace and to base your dating success or failure on then it would be a piece of valuable reading but I get the impression from your comments that it is just one more piece of evidence that your love life is doomed.

You've written several times about your feelings on online dating and how it isn't working for you and you mentioned just now that you've had better luck just asking women out. I want to encourage you to do what works and what makes you comfortable. I've said it and others have said it too your height is probably not the issue here and probably the hsv hurts your chances but hsv is not by far an issue that alone ruins a persons chances of finding the love of their life.

Most guys I know who never marry and are bachelors in their 40's and 50's got there because either they procrastinated or had their standards set too high and were unwilling to compromise at all or they had a fear of commitment.

I have a brother who is exactly 5 feet tall and he's been married to two beautiful women. I have another who married for the first time at 52 and he and his wife just adopted their second child and he has hepatitis c which is far worse than hsv. Their both very happy.

[JRTJRT]

Any woman who bases her decision solely on your height or sex...

do you really want that kind of woman?

[dbc1951]

The media feeds on peoples interest in certain subjects because it helps to motivate sales or to attract new readers.

If this is the view point you want to embrace and to base your dating success or failure on then it would be a piece of valuable reading but I get the impression from your comments that it is just one more piece of evidence that your love life is doomed.

You've written several times about your feelings on online dating and how it isn't working for you and you mentioned just now that you've had better luck just asking women out. I want to encourage you to do what works and what makes you comfortable. I've said it and others have said it too your height is probably not the issue here and probably the hsv hurts your chances but hsv is not by far an issue that alone ruins a persons chances of finding the love of their life.

Most guys I know who never marry and are bachelors in their 40's and 50's got there because either they procrastinated or had their standards set too high and were unwilling to compromise at all or they had a fear of commitment.

I have a brother who is exactly 5 feet tall and he's been married to two beautiful women. I have another who married for the first time at 52 and he and his wife just adopted their second child and he has hepatitis c which is far worse than hsv. Their both very happy.

I'll admit to feeling negative on dating---online or otherwise. I've been clumsy about it and, to make things worse, haven't exactly made good choices. I don't think I'm necessarily doomed but I am in a difficult situation because I have no idea how to improve things---I really don't.

As far as height goes, no two people are alike in their approach to it. Some people simply will not tolerate the thought of a shorter man or taller woman, while others look past that. The sad thing is that it seems increasingly difficult to find those who will look past size.

None of these factors (age, height, hsv) is a killer in itself but mixing them together can be bad. Another problem is that most of the hsv+ people I've met in person are 30 or below. It helps anyone to get out into a social setting but that might be too much. I'll admit that before hsv I had no problems asking women out, I'd get turned down, but I still made the effort. It's worse now as it is for anyone.

Procrastination is not always the problem. You might get caught up in a career, be in an area where nothing is happening, or (and I've known guys in this situation) simply want to wait. We are all different.

Congratulations to your brothers....and I'm serious. However, no two 5'2 or 5'3 guys are alike. Anyone who thinks that it is easy to find someone when you're in that category is simply deluding themselves. It reminds me of a situation that happened with two female friends.

I befriended two married couples when I moved to a new job in the 90's. They were good company and I enjoyed the banter. The wives called me up one day and said I needed to watch this show on network TV since it dealt with getting short guys dates. I didn't make any promise to watch and it turned out I had to work that evening anyway. I pretty much had an idea what would happen.

The next day one of the girls called up and was somewhat tearful. When I asked what was wrong she said something like "I know what you go through". It seems they had a group of guys from 5' to 6' and an equal number of women---I don't remember their height. They were fine until they got down to the 5'2 and 5' guys. They eventually got the 5'2 guy a date by telling the girl he was wealthy, a physician, and had his own plane---all lies. The 5' guy went home alone.

[dbc1951]

Any woman who bases her decision solely on your height or sex...

do you really want that kind of woman?

No, not in the slightest. I do have issues with someone who uses height, weight, sex, social status, etc. as a convenient brush off---I've had that happen to me.

Would I date and marry a woman I liked is taller than I am? Yes I would. i'm smart enough to know it is the person not the size.

[Caliope]

dating is difficult at best for most people. Just to share.

I recently lost 30 pounds. It is amazing how differently men look at women who are overweight. Now I was not grossly overweight I'm 5'3" and I hit 173#. I still looked pretty good and was working out daily for at least a year even at that weight so I was pretty toned. I'm now back up to 153# or so but not nearly as toned as back then. Honestly haven't been to the gym much because the hsv has kicked my butt big time. But the guys are so much more attentive to the flabby thinner me than they were before. And I've always been cute. Men have always been attracted to me even when I was heavier I just notice that their attention has increased now that I am thinner.

I also remember when I was younger, in my twenties, I was a single mom and men would run for the hills once they heard I had a kid. It was really sad and hurt my feelings. I had a hard time but I was a responsible mom and never got myself into debt etc. because I thought it would make me more attractive but with the exception of a short abusive marriage I ended up raising my son alone. And now I'm wildly successful and my standards of who I would date have become refined.

The point is that men and women descriminate against each other for various reasons be it height, weight, economics and even race. Hsv is just one more factor in the game.

Today I am more descriminating than I was at 20 and so are most women when they get into their 40's and up. We've seen more, have been there and done that, and some are looking for flings and others have their hearts set on finding a good guy and are willing to give it some time. I had given up on dating altogether and didn't care if I ever had a relationship again and I accidentally met someone. I thought we were just friends and went out for casual dutch treat dinners until one day I realized it was something more. I would have accepted him with or without hsv by that time because he's such a dear friend to me.

Just something to think about.

[dbc1951]

dating is difficult at best for most people. Just to share.

I recently lost 30 pounds. It is amazing how differently men look at women who are overweight. Now I was not grossly overweight I'm 5'3" and I hit 173#. I still looked pretty good and was working out daily for at least a year even at that weight so I was pretty toned. I'm now back up to 153# or so but not nearly as toned as back then. Honestly haven't been to the gym much because the hsv has kicked my butt big time. But the guys are so much more attentive to the flabby thinner me than they were before. And I've always been cute. Men have always been attracted to me even when I was heavier I just notice that their attention has increased now that I am thinner.

I also remember when I was younger, in my twenties, I was a single mom and men would run for the hills once they heard I had a kid. It was really sad and hurt my feelings. I had a hard time but I was a responsible mom and never got myself into debt etc. because I thought it would make me more attractive but with the exception of a short abusive marriage I ended up raising my son alone. And now I'm wildly successful and my standards of who I would date have become refined.

The point is that men and women descriminate against each other for various reasons be it height, weight, economics and even race. Hsv is just one more factor in the game.

Today I am more descriminating than I was at 20 and so are most women when they get into their 40's and up. We've seen more, have been there and done that, and some are looking for flings and others have their hearts set on finding a good guy and are willing to give it some time. I had given up on dating altogether and didn't care if I ever had a relationship again and I accidentally met someone. I thought we were just friends and went out for casual dutch treat dinners until one day I realized it was something more. I would have accepted him with or without hsv by that time because he's such a dear friend to me.

Just something to think about.

Weight is always a problem in dating. However, you can lose weight if you find a regimen that works for you. It isn't easy and I know becasue I was chubby myself at one point. I've yet to hear of anyone ever growing taller though.

My problem isn't discrimination as much as it is the unwillingness to bend a little bit. Personal preferences are fine as long as you're honest about them. I have had a lot of friends who've gone without simply because they were unwilling to take chances. Jeez, what's the worst thing that could happen if you go on a date with a short guy or a chubby girl?

The more I think about it the more I think that I have to consider either (1.) Giving up on dating for awhile or (2.) Looking into going overseas. Dating isn't happening for me ANYWAY so #1 isn't that big of a stretch. There are legal considerations to #2 but it bears thinking about.

I don't have problems with children. I had two great stepkids (Russian) with my ex-wife and I miss them greatly. If I could have shipped her home to the Rodina and have kept them I wouldn't have hesitated for an instant. I guess I qualify for the "good guy" mantle.....doesn't seem to work so well though.