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I'm not sure how to react

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I am interested in the Christian and Sikh faiths and I am a spiritual person overall, and have recently started doing some research on them in order to one day eventually be able to join. I was diagnosed two months ago with HSV. I think that contracting HSV was my rock-bottom. I had been spinning in circles after having a very difficult time getting through undergrad. I think that I was lost before this year, but this year has been one of the worst. My sense is that all that I've done wrong, all of my sins, were culminated into this immobilizing depression and period of literal immobilization - I couldn't get out of bed because I had no resources and no where to go. Instead of asking for forgiveness immediately, I was angry. I had casual relationships with two men my age and only afterwards did I realize that they weren't very nice people. One of them gave me herpes and both of them 'discarded' me after I told them what they had done. I was in a lot of pain then, for over a month. I still am in a lot of pain from the disease - it spread to my lungs and is causing me to be sick in my lungs, chest and throat and giving me constant migranes, for ongoing two months now. My outbreak was extremely painful.

Neither man showed any remorse or any compassion toward what they did to me and subsequently what the virus was doing to me. After initial rage, I turned to Spirit, to God. I prayed to God. And then I decided, which was really just motivation to get me healing and stronger even though it was inspired by anger, that the ultimate revenge would be to make my body incredibly strong and healthy. I would look sexy, I would feel great and my mind and spirit would be more concentrated and purified. So I did this, and my body does feel better, I'm a lot healthier and stronger and I am more focused on healing myself and more focused on finding God/Spirit, rather than the people and things outside of me, including the two folks who did this to me.

The conflict in my mind now is why did this happen to me? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? Will I ever heal from the pain this virus and my infectors caused me? Am I dirty and can I ever be a true student of God, of the Lord, with this incurable virus for the rest of my life? What if I want to become a minister, or a nun, can I do that and have this virus? What if I want to become a healer? Can I do that with herpes? I guess that I can pray to God for an answer.

I feel so bad, so ashamed, I feel so low, I feel like the scum and beggars along side the streets that God talks about in the Bible, and the evil people who do evil things to others. I don't want to be evil! I don't want to do evil things! But I feel so out of control with this virus and the pain and hurt I feel inside me and towards the men who so blatantly infected me and then left me to suffer in agony. I don't feel worthy of a good man's affection and trust. If I did this to myself (which 50% of it was my own fault because I wasn't being safe with sex), then how could any partner ever trust me with their body? They shouldn't. I'm not to be trusted. I have learned this about myself over and over again throughout my entire life, this message has been blatantly thrown into my face: I am not a good person and I should not, cannot be trusted. I just wish that there were something I could do to change, to become a good person, to become trustworthy, to be worthy of respect and a good, kind, strong relationship with a romantic partner. I just feel so dirty and I know that something like 70% of other people if they found out about my virus, would treat me as if I were dirty and disgusting, out of experience. If you have any insights, please share them with me.

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  • 7 months later...

Forget the future for a minute.

Start with the good. For a lot of people that is their family. Be thankful that of all the people In the whole world entrusted to care for you until you were an adult it was them if it was a loving home. That is amazing kindness no matter what else has gone on.

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package deal 1957

you did not deserve this hsv and did nothing to get this hsv but make a wrong choice. The person who gave this to you was in the wrong not you. You are not dirty. you simply have a stupid virus that there no cure for

as for god will the god I know is a loving caring god who by the way nowhere in the bible does it say god will not accept you because you have herpies. it not in his rule book.

God will accept you herpies and all. God just wants and loves you period.

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