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Need advice about telling please!!


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I'm just going to lay this all out here and I'm sure some of you are going to think I'm a bad person or a skank, but whatever, if I can't say it all here, where can I? I need some advice so I suppose I should give you all the details. Here goes...

I met this guy a week ago and we really hit it off. We've had sex 3 times now and I haven't told him that I have HSV1 "down there". I don't usually jump into sex so quickly (before this it had been over a year since I had sex). We've used condoms everytime. We haven't had any conversations about sexual histories, his or mine. I got HSV1 about a year and a half ago and have had a total of only 3 OBs, including the initial one. Ever since the first OB the other ones have been a breeze. My doctor says that I'm kind of "lucky" (hah!) that I got type 1 in the genital area because it prefers the mouth so it won't recur nearly as often as type 2. The OBs barely even annoyed me. Honestly, my period is more obnoxious and frequent than the herpes. Hell, if I had the choice between living with a menstrual cycle and living with this case of herpes that I've got...gimmie the HSV. I also don't take any medicine because my outbreaks are so few and far between that I don't see how the cost vs. benefits even out.

So anyways now I really want to tell this guy. I like him and I could see it going somewhere and I need to be honest with him. Now I've just got to figure out the best way to approach this. I started this new thread because I've been reading a lot of posts, on this site and others, where people talk about how they held off getting physical because they were scared about telling and that oh, they finally did tell and the guy didn't care and now they can work through it together and have sex, yada yada...But in my situation, we've already had sex and he doesn't know yet.

My main question is...Is this relationship salvegable? Has anyone else had a partner that was ok with it even though you didn't tell them at first and still had sex anyways?

Does anyone have suggestions on how/when to bring this up?? What's the best way to start this conversation? maybe easing into it with a conversation about our sexual histories to get the ball rolling?

I was thinking of doing one of two things...

(1) telling him asap (like tomorrow) or

(2) stop having sex with him for a while (a few weeks i guess?) and tell him after we get to know eachother more.

Here's my pros and cons with those 2 options...

for #1: telling him asap would be the more honest thing to do, but we just had sex just 2 days ago and I'm afraid he will be so worried that he maybe has contracted it that he'll run away.

for #2: waiting to tell him obviously prolongs the lie/nondisclosure, but if we weren't having sex he wouldn't be at risk. This way, if it's been a few weeks and he sees he doesn't have it (let's pray!), he may not be as freaked out. And also he will have gotten to know me better and (hopefully!) like me a lot more and maybe this won't be such an issue for him.

Any help would me much appreciated.

By the way, save me the lectures about how I should have been upfront and honest in the first place. Yes, I know that. And I feel awful about it, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I'm just trying to figure out if I've dug my own grave with this or not. Thanks.

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If you really like him and you think this is going to work I think you need to disclose some details.

You have not had the "talk" how do you know he doesn't have it too? And what would you think of him if he did and didn't tell you either?

You don't know that he'd freak out or run away. You don't know how much he knows about hsv and he may think using condoms was "safe sex."

I found out I have hsv after 2 years of unprotected sex. He probably doesn't have it. (long story) I told him right away when I got my diagnosis. His first reaction was OMG we can never have sex again. (which makes no sense to me - as if he hasn't already been at risk) He called me back several days later and asked me to find a way to work this out. The sex is always fantastic, we get along really well, why mess with this if we can take precautions.

As for disclosure I can only suggest that it happen in a happy upbeat converstation without any big drama. Don't act defeated or guilty or hang your head or set it up with "I have something to tell you - (long pause)" I'd just throw it out there when things are going well and just ask if he ever had a cold sore and if he says yes you can discuss it (and the particulars - you have information to add to the conversation) or if not maybe tell him that you found out that it can be transmitted to the genitals and go from there.

Think about it first and determine what your point of reference really is. Is it just disclosure? Is it informational? Is it I'm sharing with you because this can effect our relationship? Is it about mutual sharing and finding out about his status? Can you say "hey I see this working here and we never talked about std's."

Good luck.

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thanks for your input caliope

I'm thinking I'm gonna go with the mutual-discussion-about-sex method, since we haven't ever talked about our histories. maybe he's had an std before, or has one now, and is actually really understanding about these things (is it wrong that i'm really hoping he's got herpes too??? :confused:). I'll just throw in that I've got hsv and see what happens I guess! i'm kind of worried but I've got faith that the universe will take care of me!

hopefully tomorrow there will be an happy update on this thread...

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There is a link somewhere on this site that gives advice on telling a partner. I haven't read it because I worked it out on my own. Believe me if he is really into you that usually helps.

I don't know how long you've been going out but it sounds very recent. Do you think that he feels the same way about you? Is he looking for a relationship - sometimes that's important to know before you disclose too much and being able to trust him to not blab stuff around if for some reason it doesn't work out.

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Thank you for the help.

Where the heck is that link hidden? When I want to share it I can't ever find it. I wish it showed up on the side when I'm in the Reply to Thread window.

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  • Administrator

Good thinking Caliope! It is in the side navigation bar for all other pages except the forum. I will see if I can get all of our information links incorporated into the right. I think this would be really helpful.


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