Relationship with non-infected partner

[SydneyBristow]

I got herpes a little over a year ago. I felt and feel pretty much the same things as everyone else: anger, guilt, shame, embarassment, fear of rejection. Mostly fear of rejection.

Herpes has certainly slowed down my romantic/sex life. But, I haven't given up on dating. I'm in my thirties now and am a bit more serious about finding a life partner, and in some ways herpes has been a good thing. Knowing that I have to have the "discussion", I'm more tuned in to insensitive, judgmental or assholish behavior, I'm less likely to sleep with someone I don't really care about, and I'm very unlikely to sleep with someone who doesn't give a crap about me. (I do miss the days of being able to meet a hot guy, hit it off, and fall into bed, but I'm trying to find the positive in this).

I dated for several months before meeting anyone I liked enough/thought liked me enough to even take the chance of telling. And so I did. He made it a bit easier on me by asking me, before I even had a chance to broach the subject, if I had any STDs. And so it was just a matter of saying "yes, herpes" rather than having to bring it up myself.

He reacted with kindness and compassion and understanding, he didn't judge, he told me that he liked me, didn't see me as just a potential lay, wouldn't break it off because of that, etcetera. He did some reading, saw his doctor and decided that we should limit our sex life to manual and oral stimulation me for him, just manual him for me (this made no sense to me because he already has oral herpes, but he said he didn't want to get type 2 oral herpes), and then take a wait-and-see approach to our relationship, assuming more of a risk if we thought there was long-term potential. I was fine with that, figuring that I'd do the same if the situations were reversed, ie. have as much fun as possible without putting the non-infected partner at risk.

BUT, as the weeks went by, and our sex life continued to be limited (more so for me than for him), I felt dirty and rejected every single time we were intimate. Whenever I brought it up, he'd insist that any man I'd meet from now on would feel the same way, that I'd never have casual sex again unless I lied or found someone infected or "stupid", that I was lucky to have him because he liked me in spite of the herpes and might some day have sex with me if he fell in love with me. And so on. At one point, I suggested starting suppressive therapy, but he told me not to bother because he still woudn't perform oral sex on me or have intercourse because it would be a "disaster" if he contracted herpes.

We're not together anymore, for that and other reasons, and for that and other reasons, I think he was a bit of a controlling, emotionally abusive piece of garbage. But the thing is that I can't shake the feeling that, mean as he was about it, he's right. Some of my friends thought he was being unreasonable and took the attitude of "Why can't he just put on a condom?", while for others, the solution seemed to be that I should just try to find a man with herpes.

As sweet as he was at the beginning, I'd almost rather he'd have just rejected me outright and walked away, instead of being with me for months and making me feel like a leper.

I felt like I was dealing with this. I tried to get over the anger and the shame and move on. I dated. I told someone. I started a relationship with someone who was supposed to care for me anyway. And now I feel even worse. I feel like he used the herpes to control our relationship, hurt me, and scare me into staying with him.

I'm not going to give up or stop dating or start lying to people. But it just really hurts.

[bluefrog]

yeah, he sounds like a jerk but at least he was honest with you. i am sure you are hurting, but, this too shall pass. this is/was hard on all of us; which is why we are here. I have not yet been with anybody since my diagnosis (May 07) and dread the day of "the talk". i know it will be here some day (at least i hope anyway).

be strong, stay healthy and you will meet somebody who will love you and want to be with you, including sexually, probably when you least expect it.

[Caliope]

I think that this guy was honest about his own thoughts and feelings but he certainly is in no position to speak for other men and I would disregard his calloused comments.

I think that he took advantage of you and you could have refused to kiss him since he had oral herpes and could have infected you. What about his other relationships? Did he refuse to kiss or perform oral on those partners? He probably has genital herpes and just wouldn't admit it.

You will find someone who respects and adores you. Don't settle for mediocre men who have selfish behavior and comments. You deserve better.

[annyi]

Like Caliope said, why he thought he could kiss anyone if he thought he should not have intercourse? I just feel he only took pieces of information that beneficial for him... Asymptomatic shedding on old sore site is not present all the time. Even the doctors refuse to take samples for testing if one doesn't have an active sore. If the virus is dormant in our nerve ends, it won't hurt anyone else. It needs a concentration of virus plus a weak defense system for it to attach and grow. As long as you don't feel the nerve tingling and itch and he doesn't have a deep open wound and a weak skin, and CLEAN after the action, virus will be killed even if it was on him! Think about other virus for flu, for TB, they are all virus... structure, life cycle are similar. How can he explain why we have obs but don't have sores all over us? Everyone have a lot of virus in our body, just is not at the active level or not strong enough to act up a symptom.

The general internet gives a lot of wrong information and scary pictures, it is really frustrating how to educate our potential partners...

[Caliope]

I don't know why it didn't cross my mind when I posted earlier but if he was into kissing you and you only giving him oral he probably did get his own genital infection.

[gutted.]

dont give up, he didnt sound like he liked you that much, and by the sounds of it used you until he found sumone he liked more, sounds harsh, but that idea sprang into my head when i read your first post.

if he thought you two are a real chance of true happiness he would of took the risk and wore a condom. i would off. (if i thought it was for life - the relasonship)

get back out there and meet more men, one will come good!

[ouch]

the guy was a selfish douchebag, only looking to get "his", meanwhile, berating you so you would turn into his personal dumping ground.

Fuck this guy (sorry, I am HEATED now reading this). He is so fucking wrong, it is terminally pathetic on HIS part. And to play upon your emotions and insecurities that way. What a crock of shit he fed you.

I am just sorry you fell for it. Dont let the words of that moronic puke bag make your feel "dirty and ashamed" and less than who you are. Sounds to me he has major issues and I am sure he has played similar bullshit games with other women. I am GLAD you are rid of this cad.

I am with a NON H MAN! We have normal sex on a semi-regular basis (not so regular because we have a BABY, so it is tough to get our groove on like we did before ! ) To date, he has NOT contracted herpes from me, but understands the risks involved. we hav had protected sex and UNPROTECTED sex (obviously, we have a child) many many times and he still doesn't have H. He loves me enough and made a conscious decision to not let herpes interfere with our life together. He feels i am worth the risk. And I feel he is a worthy mate for ME. I chose HIM....and allowed HIM into my life, because I saw that he was a good man. Loving, supportive, he takes care of our children...yeah, he is a real MAN.

So...with that being said, it is totally possible to meet a GOOD Man with or without herpes. There are men out there who will NOT let herpes get in their way of finding a good and loving mate. Sure, you might get some rejections and it is painful, but you can't blame these men either. I don't blame people for being afraid, but I DO abhor people who treat one shabbily simply because we have herpes.

With that being said, keep your chin up. Stay strong. Don't settle. And stop thinking of yourself as a "dirty" person. You are not.

[gutted.]

Ouch

here here - well said.

[ouch]

Gutted...

he he...I know I was dropping alot of F bombs. But this guy just sounds like a cretin to me. Just a real jerk and a user. Hey....tell me where he is....I WILL straighten him out!

hahahaha!

[gutted.]

sounded like "scrappy doo" then

"wer is he, let me at him, let me at him" hehehehe

yeah i agree, if i met sumone, if they said "yesi want to see you but we cant have sex" id be off.

no point.

sex to me is a big part of a relasonship - not all but a big part....

oh well, we do need some arsehole men out there to make me look better!! lol

[hidingsoul]

he's really the dumb one here.. you don't deserve to be treated as such... why do condoms exist?? and you dont' have to look for an infected person just because of that..

[Susan101]

ouch....I am so happy to hear that you have such a wonderful man in your life (and baby as well!). My hubby, too, is being amazingly supportive and loving to me. Honestly, he hopes that he tests positive, so that we don't have to worry about it anymore (except during an obvious ob) and CAN have unprotected sex again like we always have. It's funny, hubby is sterile because of the radiation treatment for cancer years back, and yet I have been buying condoms (for the first time in decades!! I have no idea what I'm doing!!) to be able to make love to him like we have been for 8 years now. Weird. He's willing to take the risk of contracting it (if he doesn't already have it) just to be closer to me, so that there is nothing standing in the way of us being intimate. Don't know how prudent that is but it's a sweet sentiment, anyway!! Good to know there ARE indeed other good men out there as well--encouraging to all our ladies!

[fuller]

OMG I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I was first diagnosed I was in the midst of getting back with my off again on again fiance. He was a total jerk and very controlling, emotional abusive before I even got the virus. He told me he didn't care and he wanted me back and it wasn't my fault and all these kind things things in the beginning. As soon as we would go to fool around he woudl treat me like I was toxic waste. He would be wearing a condom but would not let me touch him at all if I accidenlty brushed any part of my lower body. He even woudl slap my hand away!!! He would like spread my legs so much to the point where it hurt so that none of his skin would come into contact with me at all except the condom. He woudl also have this discusted terrified look on his face like he was going into abttle or something. NOT very romantic. I had never felt worse in my whole life. We would not do anything with me at all. He turned very cold towards me, and tried to get me to give him oral every day, sometimes twice... and never touch me with the excuse that it was too dangerous. . He pulled the same thing, " Oh your lucky to have me no other guy would even think about having sex with someone like you. ect..ect.." all sorts of mean things he would say to me.( however he had always been like this. There was always something he woudl use as an excuse that I wasn't good enough) I asked him well if your not ready or you can't deal with it just tell me it's okay. He strung me along. Finally I was fed up and had enough of my dignity being completley stripped away from me and left him.

Anywase....Soon after I met a new guy who I am currently engaged to. We have an amazing sex life, he is herpes free. We are even having a baby right away. So screw the loser..there are WAYY better guys out there..trust me. Dont' let one guy speak for all mankind cuz that's total bull crap. I am worth it, and I am smart. I am not dirty and I am a good person. You need to tell yourself the same things and not let anyone treat you bad!!

[ouch]

ouch....I am so happy to hear that you have such a wonderful man in your life (and baby as well!). My hubby, too, is being amazingly supportive and loving to me. Honestly, he hopes that he tests positive, so that we don't have to worry about it anymore (except during an obvious ob) and CAN have unprotected sex again like we always have. It's funny, hubby is sterile because of the radiation treatment for cancer years back, and yet I have been buying condoms (for the first time in decades!! I have no idea what I'm doing!!) to be able to make love to him like we have been for 8 years now. Weird. He's willing to take the risk of contracting it (if he doesn't already have it) just to be closer to me, so that there is nothing standing in the way of us being intimate. Don't know how prudent that is but it's a sweet sentiment, anyway!! Good to know there ARE indeed other good men out there as well--encouraging to all our ladies!

yeah, there are people in the world, men and women, who ARE enlightened and unafraid. I have to be honest here: don't know if I would have been so brave on taking the chance (I KNOW I would have dumped the guy who gave it to me, had he told me) but that means I probably would have done the same to my current guy, and missed out on a fabulous human being!!! He is a GOOD strong man and provider for myself and our children. He has good morals and value and a wicked rebel soul! Perfect combo for me!

But yes, I wish folks on here just learning of their status could see and understand that they are just as deserving of wonderful mates as non h people. And that there ARE people who are not naive or ignorant or scared. They make all the callous boneheads out there look insignifigant.

[Mr Hopeful]

I got herpes a little over a year ago. I felt and feel pretty much the same things as everyone else: anger, guilt, shame, embarassment, fear of rejection. Mostly fear of rejection.

Herpes has certainly slowed down my romantic/sex life. But, I haven't given up on dating. I'm in my thirties now and am a bit more serious about finding a life partner, and in some ways herpes has been a good thing. Knowing that I have to have the "discussion", I'm more tuned in to insensitive, judgmental or assholish behavior, I'm less likely to sleep with someone I don't really care about, and I'm very unlikely to sleep with someone who doesn't give a crap about me. (I do miss the days of being able to meet a hot guy, hit it off, and fall into bed, but I'm trying to find the positive in this).

I dated for several months before meeting anyone I liked enough/thought liked me enough to even take the chance of telling. And so I did. He made it a bit easier on me by asking me, before I even had a chance to broach the subject, if I had any STDs. And so it was just a matter of saying "yes, herpes" rather than having to bring it up myself.

He reacted with kindness and compassion and understanding, he didn't judge, he told me that he liked me, didn't see me as just a potential lay, wouldn't break it off because of that, etcetera. He did some reading, saw his doctor and decided that we should limit our sex life to manual and oral stimulation me for him, just manual him for me (this made no sense to me because he already has oral herpes, but he said he didn't want to get type 2 oral herpes), and then take a wait-and-see approach to our relationship, assuming more of a risk if we thought there was long-term potential. I was fine with that, figuring that I'd do the same if the situations were reversed, ie. have as much fun as possible without putting the non-infected partner at risk.

BUT, as the weeks went by, and our sex life continued to be limited (more so for me than for him), I felt dirty and rejected every single time we were intimate. Whenever I brought it up, he'd insist that any man I'd meet from now on would feel the same way, that I'd never have casual sex again unless I lied or found someone infected or "stupid", that I was lucky to have him because he liked me in spite of the herpes and might some day have sex with me if he fell in love with me. And so on. At one point, I suggested starting suppressive therapy, but he told me not to bother because he still woudn't perform oral sex on me or have intercourse because it would be a "disaster" if he contracted herpes.

We're not together anymore, for that and other reasons, and for that and other reasons, I think he was a bit of a controlling, emotionally abusive piece of garbage. But the thing is that I can't shake the feeling that, mean as he was about it, he's right. Some of my friends thought he was being unreasonable and took the attitude of "Why can't he just put on a condom?", while for others, the solution seemed to be that I should just try to find a man with herpes.

As sweet as he was at the beginning, I'd almost rather he'd have just rejected me outright and walked away, instead of being with me for months and making me feel like a leper.

I felt like I was dealing with this. I tried to get over the anger and the shame and move on. I dated. I told someone. I started a relationship with someone who was supposed to care for me anyway. And now I feel even worse. I feel like he used the herpes to control our relationship, hurt me, and scare me into staying with him.

I'm not going to give up or stop dating or start lying to people. But it just really hurts.

Crikey! What a complete arsehole!

Don't let him put you off though. I'm sure you'll find someone who'll understand. I mean, I'm with a partner and we both carry the virus (I caught it off her).

If I broke off though, I'd expect a VERY rough ride on the dating scene. It's only after reading another thread on here about other people's experiences I realised that.

I don't think you should have to segregate yourself purely to people already carrying the virus. Although, I'm sure it'll be difficult at best to find an accepting partner.

Still. There's far worse things to have, I think.