Living Single

[Notleft]

So it seems like 90% of the posts here are from people in relationships. I would like to hear from someone with HSV that lives normally single.

I like to party, pick girls up there or at bars, and yes I have a couple of girls that I hook up with routinely...but I always practice safe sex...except for the one time when I apparently needed to.

I feel like I have to give up my lifestyle, stop having sex with the girls that I normally do, and lower my standards altogether. I dont feel as if I can get the same girls I do now if they knew what I had. Is it wrong to stay single, wait until I'm OB-free, use a condom, and continue as I have before? I made a mistake, but I dont want some girl who threw herself at me when I was drunk and never even mentioned the word condom to ruin my life.

[bluefrog]

unfortunately, for you, if you tested postive for hsv 1 and or 2, your life has changed, or at least should change where casual sex is concerned. even if you are not having an ob you MUST tell your partner that you have H. it is only fair. YOU MUST TELL.

I am not in a relationship; was diagnosed in May of this year. Had my 1st ob in april and broke it off with the guy who gave this to me. I will never, ever have sex again without telling.

[Notleft]

i dunno...i need a guys perspective on this. say what you want, but the single life for guys and girls is completely different. finding a girlfriend understanding of my situation will be infinitely more difficult than finding a boyfriend for girls.

i also hurt my knee just weeks before I was infected. sports and sex have been the two main parts of my life, as pathetic as u may think that sounds. there is no spiritual side of me. ive always been a realist. if my knee doesnt heal, which is a definite possibility, and i cant pursue casual sex for the rest of my life...this little skin rash may in fact kill me.

[Strong]

I have a feeling you are going to go on with casual sex reguradless of anyones perspective be it male or female here.

[BoxofRain]

and using condoms DOES NOT protect people from getting herpes, unless the infected area is covered, and since herpes sheds invisibly on many parts, there is not way to know if a condom is covering you or not.....so dont infect people and risk their futures and sexual health because of your selfishness. And, it is not easier for girls with herpes to find boyfriends, it is equally hard for either sex, it all depends on a variety of variables in either case. It sounds like you just want approval to go on as before, infect women and ruin their lives and just live in denial that you are blatantly doing so. If you want advice on how to cope, how to accept, how to tell, etc. then you've come to the right place, but if you want someone to condone your desires and actions to infect unknowing defenseless women then I doubt you will have much luck here. Like it or not, accept it or not, herpes changes your life forever in multiple ways and casual sex is over when you get this, unless you have no regard for other peoples bodies, lifes, or health. It sucks and a million people on here know where you are coming from but it is the reality of this disease that prevents most people from doing this to another human being and either lying/witholding the truth, blatantly decieving another person for our own sexual desires. sorry if this sounds harsh but its the truth.

[Notleft]

u shouldnt make it sound as if i WANT to "infect defenseless women". all i wanted to hear was something to the effect of "it should be okay as long as you are very cautious." can you blame me? its hard to come to terms with the fact that i cant do things that the person i got it from did to me and is going to continue doing. dont make me sound like a pervert or a biggot. my "sexual desires" are nothing out of the ordinary, and yes...guys and girls are completely different, and the situation is completely different.

i asked a legitimate question, and the snappy attitudes arent appreciated.

[Strong]

you yourself in your replay are more enless saying you are going to "safely" have casual sex. Can you actually believe that is okay? Like many other posts her have stated, It is their choice if they want H not yours. Have compassion.

[Caliope]

Notleft - After months of participating in this forum I've seen many posters come and go and the ones who stay and participate are the ones who have been deeply wounded by a inconsiderate or selfish partner who needlessly exposed them to hsv. They, more often than not, were careful and thoughtful about their choice of partners and tried to practice safe sex.

You may not find many sympathetic ears that will tell you that just because someone did it to you it's alright to go out and infect others or to pretend that there is safe sex for you now.

The truth is that safe sex no longer exists if you have hsv. It doesn't exist for any of us who have genital herpes and those who have oral herpes can't perform oral sex safely either. And you can't safely have someone perform oral sex on you. Even if both of you have genital and oral herpes this doesn't preclude you from contracting a more severe form of it.

Nothing is 100% guaranteed to prevent you from infecting another person with hsv. Not condoms, not antivirals, not creams or lotions or topical applications of any kind. There is no cure. There is no vaccine. There is no magic machine that will stop viral shedding.

Reality is brutal.

[JRTJRT]

Sounds like you were already single. Do you mean abstinent?

You want permission to risk infecting others so if it happens you won't be held responsible. Just like you weren't responsible for not using a condom, not responsible for drunken sex, and not responsible for getting herpes.

If you've slept around half as much as your post suggests, with people from bars and parties who also slept around... are you really surprised? 50% of the population has oral herpes and 25% has genital herpes, and herpes can spread even with protection. You were bound to get herpes sooner or later. Be glad it's not HIV. Have you been tested for HIV?

[gutted.]

do you really think anyone would tell you its ok to risk other peoples health for your own enjoyment?

who do you think you are to play good with peoples bodies and minds.

dont get me wrong - i knownhow your feeling, but you have to be un-selfish now, and think about the consequences of your actions.

[bluefrog]

oh please.....

"i dunno...i need a guys perspective on this. say what you want, but the single life for guys and girls is completely different. finding a girlfriend understanding of my situation will be infinitely more difficult than finding a boyfriend for girls." quote from notleft

you need to get over yourself. did you think that any guy on site site would side with you, that is okay to continue to have casual sex now that you are infected with herpes??????? please.............i am sure it is just as difficult for girls, as it is for guys, and vise versa, regarding a sexual partner when you have hsv.

you need to tell any prospective partner of your condition and let THEM decide if they are willing to risk getting it. if you are not willing/capable of doing so, i suggest you get yourself a blowup doll that you can use and abuse, not a human being.

[always searching]

i dunno...i need a guys perspective on this. say what you want, but the single life for guys and girls is completely different. finding a girlfriend understanding of my situation will be infinitely more difficult than finding a boyfriend for girls.

i also hurt my knee just weeks before I was infected. sports and sex have been the two main parts of my life, as pathetic as u may think that sounds. there is no spiritual side of me. ive always been a realist. if my knee doesnt heal, which is a definite possibility, and i cant pursue casual sex for the rest of my life...this little skin rash may in fact kill me.

You may not have even considered this but there HAVE been lawsuits against people who knowingly infected a sexual partner with herpes. Its one thing if you have no idea that you have it and it gets spread but quite another if you KNOW that you have it and fail to inform your partner. The fact that you have tested positive is PROOF that you KNOW YOU HAVE IT. If you infect someone then those medical records could be subpoenaed. You could also be subject to criminal prosecution because, from what I've read, knowingly infecting an unsuspecting partner with a venereal disease is considered sexual assault if the person would not have agreed to have sex with you if they knew you had it.

Bottom line...just tell her. Practice safe sex if she agrees. End of story.

[katymom]

It's okay for you to keep on doing what you've been doing as long as you're careful....

Being careful would mean taking care to make sure that you do not spread the virus on. I know you want to hear that there's an easy way to do this, but there's not. You can spread it through shedding, which you can't possibly know when you're shedding and a condom doesn't protect against that. You're so mad at the dirtyleg, shall we say, that gave you HSV, but she obviously had the same attitude that you have. Being careful means, no sex unless they know the risks.

As far as thinking that your standards have to "lower" because you have HSV - I don't think you're thinking things through rationally. Now, you can't just pick up whatever girl is willign to go home with you at 2am. You're going to have to wait until you find someone that you feel comfortable sharing your secret with, meaning, *gasp* you'll have to hook up with women that you actually get to know and like. That's a step up from the random bar hookups... although a lot more work. Also, do you really think that ugly girls are more willing to risk contracting an STD than pretty ones? Come on. The willingness to have sex with you inspite of yoru disease is based, not on the kind of person (or how hot) THEY are, but on the kind of person YOU are and if they think being with you is worth the risks.

Sounds to me like you have an idea it's going to be tough finding anyone who will think you're worth it, or you don't have much faith in your ability to get involved with hot women who are'nt easy at closing timeor happy to be bootie calls.

Nothing wrong with those women, I have, for a period of time, been happy to be and to have a bootie call... and I have been more than happy to have a drunken hookup, but that may be what got me (and obviously you) into this fun little club here... not so glamorous.