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HELP PLEASE! (About to tell Him about IT)

Palomita

By Palomita
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Palomita Honeycomb Member

Palomita

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Hi

I'm new here - 32, female, very glad I found this board.

I contracted HSV-1 in my last relationship, about 4 years ago. I sometimes forget I have it; I have not had a recognizable breakout since the intitial one. But now I find myself looking at entering my first relationship since I learned I had the virus.

He is very sweet, and I have a distrinct feeling that we could have something very special. We have been apart for a few months since our initial meeting, but will be reuniting soon. Recently our phone conversations have become more intimate and I would normally be looking forward to what I assume would be our first romantic encounter. Naturally, my enthusiasm is dampened by the knowledge that at some point before that could happen I will have to let him know that I carry the virus.

So... does anybody have any suggestions for me here? I'm sure this is a popular topic here and would GREATLY appreciate any words of advice or past experience anyone could give me.

Thanks a lot.

Palomita

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Hi Palomita.

I'm not sure if I'm the best one to comment, but I'm 35, when I found out I was in a relationship and needed to tell him while I still was waiting for results. I'm very emotional and he knew something was wrong, and I just ended up telling him. He was great about it, and we stayed together. He made me feel wonderful that he wasn't affraid of touching me. I told him when I wasn't feeling well, and we were careful. He still tests negative, and has no signs at all. It was easier, in hind sight, to tell someone you were just told, and you were just finding out yourself.

That relationship has ended, and the next guy I met was "crazy about me". After the third date I told him. Some told me that was too soon, but I didn't feel right about waiting. I felt like I would have been lying. My therapist told me to practice safe sex, then tell him when I was more comfortable - I absolutely couldn't do that. So I told him. He was nervous, asked a few questions, told me he'd see me again anyway. I told him I'd rather he tell me it was too much for him, and agree to not see each other, but he made plans with me and told me we'd see. We did make plans. He stood me up. I still haven't heard from him , nor do I want to.

I keep hearing of people who have relationships with non-HSV partners, marriage dating, etc.. But now I wonder how that happens. I keep thinking I'd rather just be with someone who has it, and they'd already understand and not be affraid.

The bottom line is that second guy, well I look at him as natural selection. He wasn't for me. He did me a favor. I only wasted 3 dates on him. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Bottom line. I will not be affraid to tell someone.

I met a guy on Wed night. I've already put a time limit on him. Hopefully he'll surprise me. I'm hoping when I get around to telling him (about when the sexual tension demands that I do) that he'll smile and pull a bottle of valtrex out of his medicine cabinet!! :D Kind of my idea of the modern Prince Charming!

Don't be affraid. We are all hoping it goes well for you.

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Faith Established Member

Faith

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I met a guy on Wed night. I've already put a time limit on him. Hopefully he'll surprise me. I'm hoping when I get around to telling him (about when the sexual tension demands that I do) that he'll smile and pull a bottle of valtrex out of his medicine cabinet!! :D Kind of my idea of the modern Prince Charming!

Hey Lasmom LOL, I love this!!!! :D You made me laugh and smile!!

Yeah.. 2 people who have something in common already have connection each other without a word. I think that the idea is the same as "Oh, you play tennis? I do, too!". Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf must've felt in that way. :-)

You feel comfortable each other... that's the bottom line of any kind of relationship...

Thanks Lasmom, I like your energy!!

Faith

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Like your energy too Faith!!!

I'd just like to add that I'm going to give prizes for any man who actually goes out with me AFTER I tell him. I'll start my own sampling for research. Maybe a gift certificate or something.... funny thing is, the guy who stood me up probably has it and doesn't know!!!

I guess you just have to live with what gets handed to you. I will say I'm scared to death of telling, and I feel like it will be an impossible journey sometimes, but I have to laugh to keep from crying!! The truth is, with my luck, if I went to a singles group it would be me, two other women and then my x-husband would walk in.....

Palomita - I hope you let us know. I'd like to hear some good stories for a change. As you can see, there are alot of people here willing to talk you through. Best wishes baby!!

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Faith Established Member

Faith

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I'd just like to add that I'm going to give prizes for any man who actually goes out with me AFTER I tell him. I'll start my own sampling for research. Maybe a gift certificate or something....

LOL...........

I'll give you a prize, girl :lol: for making me laugh...!!

Wheww.... let me go back to work... <still giggling>

Faith

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bocephalus Honeycomb Member

bocephalus

Posted
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in the same boat...

now, for a male perspective...

boy-oh-boy...do i know what your talking about!

i'm a business student, and in one of my classes on personnel management we had a fellow come in and talk about programs for hiring the disabled/challenged members of the population. as it goes, the turnover and absenteeism of this population is incredibly low - and these folks end up making the best employees...they're so appreciative and "gung ho", now that someone has finally given them a chance!

whomever i should tie up with next is going to be so very lucky, as they'll find a guy who is so much more appreciative of them (and the relationship), just by virtue of the fact that i've been able to expose this "vulnerability" and be accepted/loved for the whole package, none the less...and i agree; it would be great to meet/date someone in the same HSV boat. you'd have so many more experiences to share and could have your own little support group-right at home!

woof!

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Faith Established Member

Faith

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Re: in the same boat...

bocephalus,

Haha... LOL

Yep...

By having HSV, you finally became one of few precious men who are appreciative of quality. Not quantity.

Many women love that. Isn't that better...? :D

I think, a certain amount of restriction can make you feel free and appreciate the freedom you have. Not another freedom.

Excessive amount of freedom restrain you after all.

and i agree; it would be great to meet/date someone in the same HSV boat. you'd have so many more experiences to share and could have your own little support group-right at home!

That's a cute little support group. :-)

Best wishes..

Faith

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Thanks bocephalus for your point of view. It's good to hear there are people who share this stuff, even if we live all over the place! Maybe we could have a convention in Vegas or something... :D

And to be perfectly honest, my last boyfriend liked when I had an OB, something about him still wanting to kiss me and hold me was a huge sexual charge for me - I was alot more attentive to him if you know what I mean! I even started enjoying things that I didn't enjoy before... Oprah would have a field day with that bit of info! "I contracted nymphomania from Herpes!" :lol:

Sorry - I do joke alot, Faith knows that for sure, but this is a very lonely thing as you all know. Maybe I will research a local group. I can't quite figure out why I feel funny about it - maybe you guys understand. It must be like going to AA or something - the hardest part is the first step.

Love to all of you. You make me feel welcome in my own skin. Only you guys would understand that......

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Faith Established Member

Faith

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Oprah would have a field day with that bit of info! "I contracted nymphomania from Herpes!" :lol:

Girl LOLOLOL........., you got me again...!!!!

Sadly, we are only human, the more we suppress it, the more we want it. LOL

Yeah.. lately I feel funny about lots of things, too.. I guess when we start to look at ourselves objctively, we even find sad things funny. Some of them are sarcasm, but some of them are funny because... they are not peculiar to having herpes. We are just looking at common life problems through herpes....

Anyway.. thanks Lasmom! It's always good to start a day with a hearty laugh! :D

Faith

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Palomita..... where are you???

I hope all is well for you!

(Faith you'll love this...)

I bit the bullet and placed an ad on a HSV site. :oops: What a loser right?? I'm attractive, meet guys all the time, then blow them off so I don't have to "tell"... so I did it. 24 hours later I had 6 replies, all local, and I've been emailing back & forth and think I may go out with this cute, funny, charismatic... doctor. 8)

So Faith, Oprah's new show is "My STD landed me a doctor!"

And the best part, I don't have to "tell" him anything! HUGE weight lifted. (I hope he's not crazy... if you guys don't hear from me in a while....call the FBI or something!) Anyway - I'm taking these lemons and making myself some lemonade!

Love to all -

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Faith Established Member

Faith

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... so I did it. 24 hours later I had 6 replies, all local, and I've been emailing back & forth and think I may go out with this cute, funny, charismatic... doctor. 8)

So Faith, Oprah's new show is "My STD landed me a doctor!"

Lasmom!

LOLOLOLOL... Oh!! My!!!

Yeahhh !!! Happy New Year~~!!! LOL

:D I almost fell off my chair..........

Just be careful ok?... And have fun!!!!

Faith

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MC37 Pilot Established Member

MC37 Pilot

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Yeah.. lately I feel funny about lots of things, too.. I guess when we start to look at ourselves objctively, we even find sad things funny. Some of them are sarcasm, but some of them are funny because... they are not peculiar to having herpes. We are just looking at common life problems through herpes....

lol... this made me smile...

I sometimes joke with my friends (who all know I have HSV)

With regard to not sleeping with a girl unless I'm in a committed relationship etc etc.. I sometimes joke... "No thanks... 1 STD is enough"

Once in a while someone who doesn't know I have HSV will make a comment in front of me (and other friends who DO know) joking about STD's with respect to only 'dirty' people getting them... It makes me laugh and I usually pipe in with a sarcastic comment like "Oh GOD yeah... Only the scumbags get STD's"

When my friends all start to laugh, it usually comes out that I have HSV which of course makes the person who made the comment feel about 2" tall.

You just have to laugh....

With respect to the topic at hand. (telling someone)

The GREATEST thing about telling someone you have HSV is its a sure fire way to know EXACTLY how much the person you are telling cares about you, and how much they are just after a fling.

Good luck!

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Faith Established Member

Faith

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Yes. And doing the right thing always give you confidence. You're gonna become sure about yourself more and more.... So really...by telling someone, you won't lose anything. Only gain a lot.... <smile>

Faith

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Re: hsv dating website

posted something on a dating website, eh?

what's the link...care to share?

woof!

www.mpwh.net (Meeting People With Herpes)

It's amazing how MANY people are out there....got three more replies...

Good luck!

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  • 1 month later...
kj Newbie

kj

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tell him if you really care for him

Hi,

I am new to this chat. I am not infected but my girl friend is. She told me two days ago and it scared her to death. She said she didn't know how I would react. But deep down I think she did because I think she knows what kind of person I really am.

For me, it was a shock, but from what little information I know on this subject it wasn't life threatening. I love my girlfriend and I told her that I was ok with it and that I wanted to find out more information on it. We have been dating for a litlle over five months and we have not had intercourse yet. She told me she was going to write me a letter about her having herpes and break up with me but she couldn't get past the first sentence. So the way I see it, it's just a bump in the road.

So what I am saying is: tell him if you really care for him, but he also needs to care for you. Tell him before you have sex which I am sure you would anyway.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Palomita Honeycomb Member

Palomita

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Second Thread

Hi

Gosh I just found this thread - apparently my "HELP" message got posted a couple of different places...I was following the one under "Everything Herpes". So to anyone who replied to me here, thanks.

kj, everything worked out fine for me so far. I did tell him and he accepted it ok. No backflips and pompoms, but lots of kind words of empathy, some questions, and a big snuggle session. Those things meant so much to me as I put myself out there, vulnerable. That was exactly a month ago, come to think of it.

Your girlfriend was really brave to tell you, and I think it's cool that you realize how much thought she probably put into your character before she put herself out there. She must really love you to risk so much! Good luck to you!

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Palomita Honeycomb Member

Palomita

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Yeah, lasmom, thanks for asking. Things are going great. I am sooo relieved he stuck with me, though still apprehensive about giving it to him, ultimately. His response: "In 100 years, who's gonna care?" : ) - Palomita

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Yeah' date=' lasmom, thanks for asking. Things are going great. I am sooo relieved he stuck with me, though still apprehensive about giving it to him, ultimately. His response: "In 100 years, who's gonna care?" : ) - Palomita[/quote']

Sweet!!! Love this Guy. Happy for you!

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Palomita Honeycomb Member

Palomita

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lasmom,

Yeah, I consider myself very lucky. He's got a great philosophy in general, which is why I suspected I could trust him. By the way, I read your original reply to me and I have to say I am really sorry what happened with your first guy out of your relationship you were in when you found out you had it. What a jerk. Oh well, in a way it's good you found out his character first. I mean, to not even be man enough to tell you bye and why...

I love your image of your Prince Charming. Too funny! To be honest I think I'd prefer that too, but I guess I'll overlook that my guy doesn't have it. We can't have it all, right? lol

I can't believe your therapist told you that, by the way. But you know, I think that might have been the popular opinion in one day and age. I know a few older people with it (50's, 60's) and they don't seem to share the belief going around today that it's unethical not to tell, protection or not.

Anyway, just wanted to respond. I look forward to hearing more about your journey...Palomita

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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I guess I'll overlook that my guy doesn't have it. We can't have it all' date=' right? [/quote']

Hey Pal,

Too funny, today is not a good day for my journey, so I'll pass right on by that.... but I'm psyched for you.

I'd have more wonderful things to say but I'm pissed about a post I just read. Just when you get hope in men.... they remind you of why our friends are women... (Pilot excluded... :wink: )

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