Telling past partners

[katymom]

This seems like the best place to put this.

I've just been diagnosed. I'm pretty srue, though that I've had HSV for about 4 years, either from my ex-h or from a one-night stand shortly after leaving him (my rebellious, coping "slut-stage"). Who knows, but there are several people that I am fairly certain I have exposed to it. I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility to let them know. Most of them are very nice men, who are probably now dating other very nice women, and I hate to think of this thing just spreading on b/c no one can talk about it. I feel like people could be protecting themselves and others, and I know it, but can't tell them.

Isn't there any way to confidentially tell someone? I found inSPOT.org (or .com) and you can send a confidential email telling someone. But I only have email addresses for the ex-h and one other guy (both of whom I sent the email too... wish I could know if they've received it and how they're responding or if they are indeed positive, but I never will). So frustrating. There's no answer huh?

[WaxedWrong]

you might as well just tell them, if i got a email from some company i would just delet it, and think of it as spam, or a joke. but a personal email from someone i know, i would take to the heart and trust. you dont have to continue to talk to them or if they reply even reply back- just send out 1 email, tell them your concerns, and the end.

i infact told my ex's when i found out, because i was unsure of how long i might have had it - if that was the case.

[JRTJRT]

Call those people. Sending messages (in any form) anonymously can do a lot of damage and really mess with someone's head/life. They can suspect and blame someone else, or it can be "just" a little voice in the back of their minds for the rest of their lives...

Plus you don't know if another person has access to that email, which would be very inappropriate if he was outted or falsely accused of hiding something from someone.

Call those people you emailed and tell them that you had to be sure they got the message. You'll feel better once you get it off your chest.

[katymom]

Seriously? I can't even begin to imagine actually telling them that I have herpes. One of them I could, I guess, I don't see or talk to him anymore. But my ex-h... I see him all the time and he's not someone that I trust enough to share this with. He may have given it to me. But I think even if I told him he wouldn't get tested. He'd rather go on infecting people than have the responsibility of knowing.

If I tell someone and it turns out they're positive, then I would feel okay about that. At least they would understand and they wouldn't think I am disgusting. But if I tell and they don't have it... I still socialize with some of these people, they know all my friends. We live in a suburban town where if I told a couple of people, it would definitely get around, and although I don't care too much what people think - I know how people talk about someone with herpes and I don't want all that talk going on behind my back or my husbands.

Someone posted about telling their mom and their friends. I was shocked. I guess I need to think about this. At first I wasn't going to tell a soul, ever. I met my best friend through one of my exes when he started dating here. There's a good chance he could have gotten it from me, which means she could have it to. I want her to know, to get tested. But I can not takl to her about it. Ugh..

[JRTJRT]

I only have email addresses for the ex-h and one other guy (both of whom I sent the email too... wish I could know if they've received it and how they're responding or if they are indeed positive, but I never will).

my ex-h... I see him all the time and he's not someone that I trust enough to share this with. He may have given it to me. But I think even if I told him he wouldn't get tested.

I'm confused.

You did or didn't tell you ex?

You sent anonymous emails to 2 of your past partners and they don't know that you sent the emails. There are others who you might have infected/gotten it from but you don't know how or if you should contact them - is this accurate?

[katymom]

I haven't really told anyone. In the initial freak out, I found the site inSPOT which sends anonymous emails telling people they may have been infected and should get tested. There are several peopel I feel like I should notify. Out of those people, I only have email addresses for two of them, so I sent the email to those two - one being my ex-h. So technically I told him, but he doesn't know it's from me, and knowing him, he's probably blown it off. He told me, when we first got together that he had just been tested. I found out later that he had never been tested (he gave me Chlamydia 8 years ago - he was my first and only partner back then) and to this day continues to tell women he's been tested and never has. I tried to get him to get tested when we were together and he never would. The ass probalby knows he's got herpes or something and is too scared to find out and have to consider not having sex with strangers anymore. Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked...

So I anonymously told ex-h and one other guy. I can see that just calling up all the past partners and telling them I have it so they know all the info and can get tested might be the right thing to do. But I jsut don't think I could bring myself to do it. It is weighing on me though, b/c I feel like I should.

This is a really personal thing, with lots of harsh judgment surrounding it. I don't want my family to know, I live in a "small town" type atmosphere (although it's really not a very small town) and hundreds of people would be talking about it, and what bothers me the most is they'd be talking about my marriage. I think people would be speculating that there's infidelity in my marriage and I just hate the thought of people thinking that. I know it's silly and why do I care what other people think? But this is so personal. I guess I'm just curious how others have handled this. Have most people actually told their past partners, or have most people just kept their secret?

[JRTJRT]

Ok. I'm not sure if I really have a solution, but personally I wouldn't send an email because I wouldn't be sure if they got it, email is forever and could get into the wrong hands, etc... Most employers monitor employee online activity to some extent, possibly even emails so if he reads the email from work he could have problems... Some employers monitor phones too by the way...

WaxedWrong was right about an anonymous email possibly not being trusted or taken seriously, or thought of as a joke. The inSPOT.org site does bring up the joke issue in the FAQ so maybe they have had problems with pranksters.

The question about telling future partners is an absolute must in my book. Telling past partners is not as clear cut and I agree with your concerns. I have the benefit of knowing 100% exactly who I got it from so I haven't had to think about this too much. If I didn't know who I got it from and it meant committing social and professional suicide, I can't say that I would with 100% certainty track down my first girlfriend from the 1980's to tell her I have herpes and have no idea who gave it to me so she better get tested after nearly a quarter century has passed. I would definitely tell my most recent partner though. So there's a gray area which I guess would take some serious thought.

I am glad you brought this up. Maybe someone will say something to make me slap my head and say "yea that's what I'd do"...

[gutted.]

This thread raises some good points...

just how far do you go back and tell people?

i know who i got it from, thank you miss X.

however, i havent told her, mainly because i heard a rumour that she knew she had it years ago, and has gave it to sumone else i know.. i slept with her after this happended,. i was furoius that she knew she had it and didnt tell me....

but i havent told her i have got it, nor have i told and partners i had before her..

dont get me wrong, ive told my partners since my postive result.

hmmmm.

do you risk being outed into public to everyone you know,, possbily for nothing?

[ALONE-N-TULSA]

My thoughts.....

If you tell people who you have been with in the past and it blows up in your face and they run of and blab to others every one will know that they have a good chance of having it also....its a catch 22 when ya think about it.Just turn the tables and think about it,if one of your X lovers came to you and confided this to you would you tell all....? Proubly not because it would implicate yourself as well,but you hata remember tell only those you can trust

some people have no ability for rational thought (you know the type idouts,morons ect....) Hope everything comes out ok for ya.