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The road to happiness

serendip

By serendip
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serendip Honeycomb Member

serendip

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I've been dealing with this for 4 months now and it's felt more like 4 years. The first couple of months were really difficult emotionally and in the last it was slowly getting better because I changed the way I was viewing it. I tried to tell myself that I would be able to find a partner some day who would accept me. I worked through years of pain in dealing with another STD, And most of all, I dealt with the bad luck of contracting herpes even while engaging in safe sex. It's a lot in just a few months, and sometimes it's a positive experience, sometimes not.

I've been taking the right steps to healing, but feel so incredibly lonely! I am really struggling with how to move forward in dating and relationships. Lately there have been a few interested parties and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to run away, I don't want anyone getting close to me. I now understand all those posts where people are completely horrified at the thought of the "talk". I don't even want to get to that point! I totally understand the people who have not dating for 10+ years. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying I know how that could happen. I'm mortified of men - I got pretty burned this time.

Any thoughts on how to work through this? At present I'm not dating but the guys are coming out of the walls. They sense that I'm not into it and that presents a challenge to them. It upsets me that I have this. I don't plan on dating at all in the near future. I just want to work on my happiness but I'm not sure how to find it. I've been journalling, running, keeping up with friends, biking - doing the things i like to do. But it's still so painful. Insight anyone?

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Caliope Platinum Support Member

Caliope

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you remind me of when I decided I never wanted to live with anyone again. It's not the same but it is learning to live a different way. At first I was dreadfully lonely. I'd come home and look at the stove and go sit on the couch and just go without dinner. I'd mindlessly call friends and realize that I didn't really want to hang out at their houses or tag along while they shopped for their families.

Slowly I became more comfortable with myself and what made me unique. It was a time of self discovery and that is what autonomy is really about. If we have the chance to just be ourselves we can learn to accept our own thoughts and truly own them. After you progress into knowing who you really are and what you really want and what you will allow to happen in your life you suddenly have all this control and you realize that compromise is loss and it isn't okay. Then when you date you quickly can cut through the false bravado people show to each other and see who others really are.

You have been really hurt on several levels. I'm proud of you for getting up, dusting yourself off and trying to live your life. You are a strong woman. The reason the men are suddenly hot to you is because you are giving off the vibe that you are unavailable and it makes them want to know why. The benefit is that you can then sit back and wait for one who is worth your time and effort. Maybe even one who is willing to be emotionally available and interested in making sure that you are getting all the attention and support you need.

It may take some time for you to start to feel happy but why do you need to be in a hurry? It's a good time to let others woo you and treat you like a princess on your terms without you having to jump through anyone else's hoops.

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bluefrog Acknowledged Support Member

bluefrog

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"I've been taking the right steps to healing, but feel so incredibly lonely! I am really struggling with how to move forward in dating and relationships. Lately there have been a few interested parties and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to run away, I don't want anyone getting close to me. I now understand all those posts where people are completely horrified at the thought of the "talk". I don't even want to get to that point! I totally understand the people who have not dating for 10+ years. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying I know how that could happen. I'm mortified of men - I got pretty burned this time." OMG, feels like you were in brain when writing this. I went on a date friday night and when the gentleman, which he def. is, touched me I cringed. I know this will pass, and I know that someday we will both be with somebody who loves us and will accept for who we are, package deal........

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serendip Honeycomb Member

serendip

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YES, that's exactly the feeling....dreadfully lonely. I also feel the same way when talking to my friends - it's mindless chatter and I am not really in the idea of hanging with couples especially at the moment. You are right Caliope - it IS about getting to a comfort level with myself again. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin that it has totally thrown me off. And then I'm in a hurry to fix this now and get it under wraps but I did not realize that this, much like life, will be a process of getting to know myself and building my self-esteem again. I think it really freaked me out to have someone interested in me and the reality hit when I thought about the possibility of getting intimate and then having to have the dreaded discussion. However I found that wasn't the truthful way of thinking. I had already jumped to that conclusion before realizing these guys weren't even worth getting to know that personal information about me! My insecurity almost betrayed me.

Either way, I'm not ready to date and I'm just going to do my own thing and figure some things out first. I am finally starting to understand how this can be a sort of super-filter for jerks! I know it will be frustrating as well, but I have a glimmer of hope now. It will certainly take time, time is all anyone has. I will try not to rush the healing process. Sometimes I get impatient. And I do understand that I will have these relapses - they are just so painful I feel like I am out of my body, like, is this really me? Is this really my life?

Bluefrog - yes I hope that someday we will find someone who can really see us.

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annyi Established Member

annyi

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I have exactly the same feelings... building up courage to give a try, then just want to run away, and some twisted rejections throw to the bottom, or even just the turbulence from inside, then have to calm down and regather again... I feel things are like this even without the herpes. I guess like Caliope said, it is good to truely enjoy being self and stablise that feeling. That can anchor us to the ground whatever happens.

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Shayna Platinum Support Member

Shayna

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Oh how I get all of what you guys are saying!

I do think there is something about a person who has taken themselves off the dating market that makes them more intriguing to the opposite sex...Like a magnet. For myself I think it's because I let go of worries about attracting someone, So I'm completely myself, playful, and free spirited...which is more attractive to men.

I just recently came to some personal conclusions of how I will have the "talk" with the man I am interested in. It came to me one night in a moment of clarity...So I feel like I've wrapped my head around that issue more than I ever have before. Thankfully. I think part of the secret for me was letting go of the outcome.

Just have fun....the rest will work itself out.

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