No response

[Catt36]

I didn't get any responses to my original post, not that I had any questions really...well, I guess maybe I have one...Should I really go forward with a relationship with this guy, knowing that he has herpes?

[Shayna]

catt36,

I just read your original post. To be honest I think herpes is the least of your worries!!!

I can't imagine having someone move in with me (and I'm assuming with your kid/s too) without ever meeting them first!!!!!

I'm not trying to judge you...I just want to say...What are you THINKING??????

People can be anything you/they want them to be via computer or telephone conversations.

I hope you re-think your decission to move this guy in straight away and first have a few visits at the very least.

It would be a really good idea to spend time together Before you sexualize your relationship.

So, I can't speak as to whether you should have a realtionship with this guy knowing he has herpes.

I think you should KNOW this guy before you have a relationship with him!!!!

[uk girl]

I totally agree with Shayna,you have to think of your children, you dont know this man, we can all be nice on the phone!!!!!

You are only seeing a nice side to him, he could be anyone, as Shayna said Herpes is the least of your worries,you are putting your children and yourself in a very risky situation.

Get to know him first, PLEASE dont go ahead with him moving in with you,

above anything else you are a mom,and you have to protect your children, you are putting them at risk!!!!

[Caliope]

Catt36 - I didn't respond to your message frankly because I didn't think you'd appreciate my view point but now that I see that I am not the only one I'll throw something in.

It is hard enough to trust people that we know and see everyday for years. The internet can be a good way to meet people but more often than not we turn on the evening news and we see evidence of how destructive meeting people on line can be. Teens are lured to their deaths by online predators all of the time. Just because you are an adult does not make you any more safe. This guy could tell you anything and unless you are a darned good detective you have no way of knowing if what he says has even a morsel of truth.

Women with children are vulnerable. You have no business putting your interest in a relationship over the well being of your children. You should not be providing a home and support for a man at the expense of your children. Your children deserve their mom to make good decisions and to put them first. You are a sitting duck for a predator, a child molester, a sociopath who wants a free ride, or a man who can't find a normal way to meet women who already has an std that has no cure. You need to think this out better. Once you make this move there is no delete key.

My advice is to throw on the brakes. This does not sound good to me.

[Catt36]

?

I really don't know what to say now. I've talked to a lot of guys online, never having met in person any of them because there was always some little spark of something that either didn't sit right with me or made me doubt them somehow. This guy is totally different though. I haven't gotten a single bad vibe from this guy in the least little bit, and believe me, I get them if theyre there. I dont know, I really don't think there's anything I can say that will banish the doubts you all seem to have, so I guess I won't even try. Thanks for responding though and I will be careful.

[always searching]

I urge you to step back and really think about this. Not because he has herpes but because you really dont know him. Take it from me - been there, done that.

I talked to a guy online for close to 2 years. We exchanged pictuers. We talked on the phone several times each day and he texted me an average of 70 times a day. I felt so special. So lucky to have someone who was thatinto me.

He liked everything I liked - music, working out, living a healthy lifestyle, etc.

Just like your story this all started out so innocent. We started out as friends, talking about our kids, etc. He was going through a separation and I tried to be supportive and upbeat toward him. We had a lot of online friends in common and they all thought it was great that we had found eachother. He had charmed them all with stories of how much he loved me and what soul mates we were.

Long story short, when I finally did meet him I was really into him and we had sex pretty much right away. We were planning to be together forever. I just had to finish school first. He kept asking me to marry him but it made me kind of nervous. After a couple of days I realized he was lying about a lot of stuff. The biggest ones at that time were he was addicted to valium & vicodin and was abusing a prozac prescription. He also smoked and had a drinking problem. All of these things were impossible to know from the phone and computer.

I went home feeling disheartened but determined to stick by him at least until he got over his drug addiction. He had told me he was trying to beat it and I felt I owed him that much.

A week later, I found out that he was not separated from his wife, as he had told me. She called me. She had found his "secret" cell phone and called all the numbers in it. She gave me the numbers of other girls that she spoke to who were also his girlfriends.

After I broke up with him he began calling me, texting me, emailing me, my ex-husband, my friends. He put embarassing pictures of me on the internet. He was threatening to kill me, etc. I finally had to go to the police to get him to stop but I still don't know if I am safe. I never leave the house without pepper spray and I am always looking over my shoulder.

This is how I contracted herpes (I think - not accurately diagnosed yet). He never told me he had it. I don't even know if he knew. I remember feeling kind of sore down there after we were together but I attributed it to friction. Prior to him I had been married for almost 20 years and never had any kind of symptoms though I had gone through some really stressful times in the past.

Learn from my mistake. I'm not saying you shouldn't meet the guy but take it slow. Get to know him in person before jumping in the sack. There is always the possibility that you could contract herpes from him and I'd hate to see what happened to me happen to you.

[SmilingThroughTheRain]

Be careful

I think the one thing you need to consider are your kids. You have no idea who this guy really is and your inviting him into your home and could possible be putting your children at risk. He could be a sex offender or a child molester and you would never know. Get to know this guy personally before you bring your kids into it. bringing strange people like that into their lives can be a positive or negative effect on them. My dad remarried when i was just a child, and i suffered emotional and pysichal abuse for yours and it really messed me up for a while. Just make sure you have considered all the risks before making such a drastic move.

[SmilingThroughTheRain]

ouch. sorry about those typos guys. wish i could change it but its too late :S

[Catt36]

investigating

I've done some investigating of this guy. I have managed to corroborate alot that he has told me by doing so. And he didn't know I was doing it and wasn't mad once I told him. I also have a sort of confession to make. I don't have herpes, so I didn't say anything before but I do have HPV. I got it from my husband as he cheated on me three times during our marriage of 8 years. Although I will never have any "symptoms" from HPV, it will never go away and is contagious. And I could always get cervical cancer from it, as my cousin did. I guess a lot of my problem is I have had several abusive and lousy relationships during my dating lifetime and at this point in my life I am extremely lonely. I thought it would be easier to meet someone online so I could tell them about my HPV easier and because there are a lot of jerks where I live and I have been so burntout of the traditional dating scene here. I trust my intuitions...they've never steered me wrong before, although when I did choose to ignore them several times when they were bad. I guess I just wanted everyone to know that I'm not naive or stupid and have taken precautions. Three of my children are older and no longer living with me and my youngest daughter is visiting her dad for the summer. I just dont know what to think or do i guess.

[always searching]

Just PLEASE be careful and take things slow. I, too, am not a naive person. I'm middle-aged. I was always very cautious about the internet and didn't give any personal information out. All of my friends would tell you that I'm about as cynical as can be and I take no sh*t from anyone. This guy really tricked me, tho. I can't explain why. Part of it, I believe, is that I couldn't look him in the face when I was talking to him. I can usually detect a BSer right off the bat if they are standing there in person.

I am not downing you for getting involved with someone from the internet. How could I? And I know that most people on the internet aren't predators. But from your original post it says that you've only been talking a few months. Why not just visit eachother a few times before you invite him to move in with you? Why the rush to move in together? Is he insisting on it? That alone would make me a little nervous. He could come and visit for a week or two without having sex with you (or you could visit him, or both). If he doesn't agree to that then you know what kind of person he is and what he's after.

The guy I got involved with would have passed any kind of background check. There was no criminal record. He looked like a fine, upstanding citizen on paper. But look what he turned out to be.

I also want to tell you - Don't ever feel like you have to be with someone just because they accept the fact that you are HPV positive. You are a worthwhile person who just happens to have a virus just like the rest of us on here have a virus.

I am worried and hope everything turns out okay for you.

[Caliope]

If I was to give you counsel equal to what I would want for myself if I was in your position I would want someone to firmly explain the best way for me to both protect myself and to move forward towards a healthy and happy future.

In that capacity I would recommend that you stay open to a relationship if you have done the research and have found this young man to be honest with you but. . .

In order to be respected by yourself and him you need to establish some standards and they should include at the very least 1) him having a job and supporting himself. 2) you should expect him to keep up his end of any bargains you agree to with well established limits of when you will not bend. 3) in advance you need to outline for yourself what boundaries cannot be crossed and how you will deal with them if they are and be willing to follow through even if it means being alone. Bad behavior rarely becomes good behavior and more often becomes dangerous or worse behavior.

I think it is very important that if he moves to your town that you not allow him to move in with you for at least 6 months so that you can have an opportunity to observe him in his own world and to be sure that he is the responsible, up-front, respectful man you can allow to keep in your life. If you allow him to move right in there is no incentive for him to get a job - he can simply procrastinate. Usually moving to a new town involves a career change most of us are not willing to take cuts in pay to move - this is a red flag.

If you offer him the castle right from the start what incentive is there to improve or to treat you better or to respect and adore you. At the point you do allow him to move in make sure that you know what the law is on sharing a residence and be certain that he cannot cause you to be evicted or to lose your property if it does not work out.

There should be no room for compromise. Good guys do finish last and being a doormat is being a doormat. If he's living in your house and you are supporting him it shows a lack of self esteem that you should investigate before you move forward. Of course, your choice will only hurt you if it doesn't work the way you would like and in the end how will you feel about looking for a relationship when you are contending with hpv, hsv and possibly hiv or worse?

Hpv is a virus it is not a reason that a person should lower their standards or compromise their values.

[uk girl]

Hpv is a virus it is not a reason that a person should lower their standards or compromise their values.

[Catt36]

wow

Thanks everyone for the concern and advice.

I really appreciate both. I will be careful and will keep everyone updated. I did also insist that we go together to a doctor and both have all STD testing done, so neither of us can lie about the results.