A wreck

[Gecko]

I can't believe I finally found a forum about herpes after being in Hell for nearly a week.

It all started out last sunday, when my girlfriend told me she had something that looked like ulcers on her labia. Since it was painful, she went the following day to get checked out at a clinic and learned she had herpes. We've been together for nine months, had sex since january (I am her first sexual partner) and we used the condom on and off. I always used protection before her, although I had a broken condom with my first girlfriend, whom I've been with for more than 2 years, I thought nothing of it.

I got an appointment for a blood test, but since I'm stuck in a public medical system, I can't get a test before july 24th unless I show symptoms of herpes, it's stupid. I never had any rash or herpes-like symptoms. Being quite a bit hypocondriac, I would have noticed and freaked out about it. I read a lot about the disease and met a doctor, so the physical aspect of HSV is sinking in.

Emotionaly, I'm a wreck

Probably like a lot of those stuck in a position similar to mine, I feel like a walking disease. To quote Nirvana: "I feel stupid and contagious". I can't get to worry about myself for now, I'm just collapsing under the thought I probably gave this to my girlfriend, someone I truly love with all my heart. I can't believe they don't take herpes tests when routinely checking for STD's. Worst is, I work in sex counselling at my college.

Ironic, isn't it?

I haven't been able to talk to her since she broke the news to me. We did have a brief phone conversation, and it was as cold as it could be. I know we both need time for the news to sink in, but right now, without her, I feel lost. She asked me to keep it between us so I don't dare break my promise and find a shoulder to cry on. I feel like I'm half asleep since the news. I just literally abandonned the direction of my new film in the middle of production, so not only do I have to deal with my girlfriend, but worried calls from my crew all days.

And with all that stress, no signs of herpes on my body!

I'm supposed to see her sunday night and I don't know what to expect. I feel like a murderer for giving her something "to remember me by" for the rest of her life. I know I'm over-dramatizing everything. I just re-read everything I wrote, and it feels like I gave her HIV. It's sinking in slowly, but something in me doesn't want to accept the fact that it's sinking in. I feel I'm "getting off easy" with no symptoms and acceptance. Part of me only wants to suffer for what I've done, as if herpes was a punishment from God, like syphilis was thought to be.

I want to know for sure if I have this disease, if I'm an asymptomatic carrier for years, if I gave this to my girlfriend, of if she contracted it through someone else. Even with all this rambling, I do have a real question.

Let's assume I'm asymptomatic and that I gave it to her. She said she noticed those ulcers-like lesions thursday night. That night we only masturbated each others. Earlier that week, we had sex, protected, although the condom broke, we also had oral sex. My question is, even if I'm asymptomatic, do I have any chance of reinfecting another part of my body when I'm shedding and show symptoms? Because if so, I would logically have had it somewhere!

One of the worst thing about HSV is this kind of confused behavior. The doc couldn't give me a straight answer, and from browsing this forum, I know I'm not the only one losing sleep over this question.

Thank you for reading this, I know it might be chaotic, but after a week of keeping it all inside, I had to throw it out to be able to make sense out of everything.

Thank you.

[Caliope]

Herpes is really misunderstood and this unfortunately has led to a societal misconception of what this virus is, how it is spread and the implications of having it.

I really hate it when people say they are virgins when they've been participating in oral sex practices. This is not to say this is the case with you but oral sex is how many people are contracting herpes simplex virus 1 & 2 (hsv1, hsv2). Oral sex is not "safe sex" and it is sex. Just because someone did not have penis to vagina contact does not mean they have not had sex it only means they have not had penitration and this applies to gay or lesbian sex - anyone can get herpes from oral sex if one partner has been exposed to the virus and coldsores and fever blisters are herpes and they can infect any part of the body.

Condoms will not protect you 100% from contracting hsv 1 or 2 even if it stays intact. Condoms can only protect the skin that is covered - this isn't like containing sperm it is a virus that only needs to touch skin to be transmitted and it is not isolated to the penis and vagina it can infect any skin on your entire body.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you've tried to be responsible and you will find this is true for most of us in this forum. The worst part is the emotional response and then the shock of what the future hold. Your gf is undoubtedly in a lot of pain and I'm sure she's upset about this. If she has it you've probably given it to her or been exposed yourself. Blaming each other won't help. You need to get tested to find out if you have it. She needs someone to support her even if you don't know what to say. It is important to be there and to offer your assistance even if it is only running to the store or researching things to help her be more comfortable.

If you work in sex counseling you are certainly in a position to properly educate people about this virus and to take away the misconceptions and replace them with facts.

Here are some links with information that is helpful.

http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/herpes_simplex_1_and_2.htm

http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/immune-system.htm

By far the best information I've found actually comes from people on this forum and their personal experiences. Documentation from sources is often incomplete and leads to more questions.

Feel free to ask questions we're here for you both.

[Gecko]

Thank you! Just to write here made me feel a whole lot better and relaxed. I actually even sleep last night. However the day was hard physically, I feel nauseous and shaky but I think it's just the stress and the insomnia coming down... which means I'll keep this post short!

I do have a question on my mind. I know it's a fool's hope but I do hang on to it even if it's unhealthy. I read quite a few articles about how herpes is still a bit of a puzzle, and that sometimes led to a false diagnosis of the symptoms right away. My girlfriend just had a blood test to confirm the presence of the virus, and we'll have the results probably in a week or two. I know she was having some flu-like symptoms, and something that looked like ulcers or pimples, from what she said. It DOES sound like herpes but until the results confirm it, should we consider the possibility of another STD? I confess still being a bit in the "denial" phase though...

We talked on the phone today, she sounded a lot better, there was a bit of a cold, but a lot less than last time. We're seeing each others for the first time since the news tomorrow. Tuesday is our nine months anniversary, what a gift eh?

[Caliope]

It is far more common to have false negative blood test results than to have the opposite. Personally I believe a swab culture is the best indicator when there is the presence of an ob that is catagorized by an ulcer, lesion, blister or something like a pimple. The next best is to have the Western Blot blood testing.

I'm glad that you are going to see each other. Support of a loved one is so important. A hug can make such a difference. Knowing your partner is not going to abandon or reject you is very important also.

I don't know of another std that presents the same as hsv - but hsv has many different symptoms and they aren't the same for everyone. The most common is pain and itching and usually a first ob will be accompanied by a full body response that is similar to the flu (which is also caused by a virus).

I wish you the best and it would be wonderful if it isn't hsv.

[Gecko]

Thanks for your replies Caliope, it feels good to know I'm not alone in this. Today went rather well. I decided to forget about it and spend the day writing. It helped me focus a lot. I did see my girlfriend, she left not long ago. It was hard but it went well. At least she was honest with me, saying she blamed me and didn't think she could trust me anymore. We talked a lot. Turns out her doctor didn't give her much infos about herpes aside from scaring her to death with the "incurable" fact. We sat down, I made coffee and explained all I've read. It made her smile. I joked around and we spent the rest of the evening lying in each others arms. She cried a bit, started laughing and told me "Well, I don't even know why I'm crying anymore". Most importantly, I kissed her. I know she feared that I wouldn't dare touch her anymore. That kiss made all the difference in the world. Her eyes lighted up, and we spent a very nice evening.

I'm still new to all this, and I yet have to get a severe outbreak, but I'll say this to all of you reading this thread (And also to me, in case I forget later on) There IS life after herpes!

[Caliope]

Can we clone you - you sound like a very understanding and compassionate guy.

I think you should attempt to get tested. It is possible you are asymptomatic and won't have an ob. Maybe she won't have many beyond this as well.

The big question is when will she know the results of her test and which virus is it?

If it is hsv1 it quite possibly was spread through oral sex but not always. You might know if this is a possible source of exposure for you. It is believed that hsv 1 infections of the genitals don't have as frequent or severe ob's.

Each day for me is better than the last.

[Gecko]

I'm still in line to get a blood test. I'll know soon. Does seem kind of pointless though.

It was our nine months anniversary today.

She broke up with me.

[Caliope]

that is really sad news.

maybe with time she will be able to change her mind. I'm sure this is very hard on her physically and mentally and she needs to think on it.

I know it's hard on you too - I'm sorry about that. You should still get tested - if your results are negative she should know.

[gutted.]

sorry to hear about you two breaking up gecko - from what i read i thought you two would get thru it....

oh well - it may not be over yet, she probs needs some time on her own to get her head around things..

she may still need a friend, you can still be there for her.

[Strong]

I'm still in line to get a blood test. I'll know soon. Does seem kind of pointless though.

It was our nine months anniversary today.

She broke up with me.

Oh no Gecko.. I am so sorry.

[Gecko]

Well, time heals almost everything. She needs time to sort things out, and although I frankly believe we should be going through this together, she'd rather be alone for some time. She didn't say how long, but I know I'll be waiting for her. We're both dealing with something different. I'm dealing with the thought of giving it to a loved one, even if I didn't know I had it, and she deals with the fact she got it off her first partner. She does blame me, but she knows she shouldn't. As much as she's angry, she says she simply has to look in my eyes to know I didn't mean that to happen, and even if I've been responsible, it happened anyway. Being torn between those two feelings is driving her crazy, so I know being apart for a few days, weeks, I don't know how long, can help a bit. Those moments we spent together afterwards were quite awkward as well. I haven't seen her since tuesday, and so far I'm OB-free. I'm getting a blood test in a few days. Even if we're on a break, I'm trying to cheer her up. I know she loves my drawings so I made a few for her, I'll mail them monday.

Aside from that, the shock and denial phase is over. I accept the fact that I have herpes and I know it I'll be fine with it. It'll be a good reason to make healthier changes in my life and let go of old habits. I still don't know who I got it from, and honestly, I don't mind. I don't feel any anger because I know how easy it is to give the disease without knowing you have it in the first place.

I also have a friend who might have the disease. Turns out her girlfriend had similar symptoms, which disappeared and reappeared again a few months later. I told him what was happening with me, and both of them are going for a blood test. If he's positive for HSV, I'll be there to help him out.

[ANNIE SINGH]

I am sorry to hear she broke up with u. I found out recently i had 1 and 2. My boyfriend broke up with me too, after two years of dating, he told me he went to his doctor after seeing some bumps on his private told me i should do a herpes test, mine came up positive and his negative, then broke up. I am scared of everything thats happening.

[Christy C]

You're strong Gecko. And you're also patient. Time has a way of throwing in new twists yet sorting things out nicely. You probably have one hell of an immune system. Check out my article Outbreak Free and Proud to Be. That may help your girl friend.

How is the film coming along? Very curious what's it's all about.

Christy

[Gecko]

Thanks for all the replies I talked to her briefly today, she's doing a lot better, what cheered me up the most was when she said she loved me, and most of all, she missed me. We'll get back together, it's only a matter of time! I took the week for myself, did a roadtrip up north to do some rock climbing. The fresh air did wonders!

Plus, there's only a few days to go before my blood test, which is on tuesday morning. I can't wait, finally it'll be over, no more waiting and wondering. I'll know what type I have, and if I've been infected for a while!

[Gecko]

Quick message before I head to bed.

Yesterday, I've had the first symptoms. I feel ill, fever, nausea, not much energy. I thought I had caught the flu, until I noticed tiny pimples at the base of my genitals. Not very painful, but it itches like hell! To further the "how did we get that?" mystery, I don't see how I could have infected her labia. I can't think of a position. I saw the rash it gave her, and no, something's not right.

On the other hand, we did have some sex after she showed symptoms. She wanted it, and for my part, I wanted her to feel wanted again, to show it didn't matter to me, I wasn't disgusted. She kept her underwear, and we only did some "dry humping" as they call it. We might have had some skin contact. Those pimples might come from that relation. According to the health line I called, it probably is my first outbreak, judging from the fact I had no pimples prior, and never had flu-like illness on top of it lately. the fact that I have my first outbreaks 2 weeks after our relation just doesn't seem right. I'm thinking she might have gotten it from another person and now passed it onto me.

We talked a bit last night, we saw each others, we're doing rather well, but its stressful, its awkward, but we're taking our time.

Sorry if it's a strange post. It's 4 in the morning, and my mind is torn between the nausea, the sleepiness and the sheer panic of my first outbreak!