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coming from a guy - how to tell?


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Hi -

I’ve recently met someone that I think will soon become my first "telling" experience since finding out I have hsv in Feb '07.

I’ve read through just about every single post and online letter regarding "how to tell", and now have worked up the courage necessary for jumping in head-first.

The one thing I’d like to gain some perspective on is how ladies generally take being told vs guys. I’m a guy, and typically nothing phases me. Personally, I would like to believe that if I was truly into the person, hearing that they have hsv wouldn't change how I feel. Of course, there's quite a bit of hindsight in my logic, but that's that.

So, ladies, how best can I share this with the special woman I have come to now care about?

Some background:

We’re quite new to each other, but it's safe to say I care about her and I think she feels the same. She's 32. I'm 31.

She’s been hurt and "disappointed" in the past, but it feels like she's comfortable now and healed. She's a deep person, and seems to only connect with people emotionally when she's been touched in a certain way... Just being with her is fun, and when I’m with her, I’m afraid of nothing... well nothing but the fact that I know I'll need to tell her more about myself sometime soon.

I prefer the calm and clinical approach, not just because that's what others seem to have the most success with, but that it seems to fit me best at this moment.

However --

  1. Are there things that I shouldn't bring up? (How my ex lied and cheated, how much I feared telling her, etc)
  2. Is there anything I should emphasize?
  3. Is it ok to ask her to take a visit to get tested together? (If I did this with my ex I wouldn't be here writing this now!)
  4. Any advice on keeping the emotions in check (both hers and mine)?
  5. Any other tips I may not be aware of? Perhaps not hsv specific, but just how to share something this difficult with a woman in general.


I want to do this, and I want to do it right. This is as much about having respect for myself as it is respecting her. Regardless of the outcome, I know that I'll eventually be a better man for it.

Much appreciated...

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I have never done this so I don't know if my advice sounds credible but I would definitely NOT tell her how scared you were to tell her. Rather, I'd phrase it more like, "I wanted to wait until I was sure we had something special before I told you because if I didn't think this relationship had the potential to be something lasting and special I wouldn't want to have sex with you."

I wouldn't volunteer the cheating ex info unless she asks how you contracted it. Try not to sound too bitter.

I think before I got this if someone told me they had it and immediately talked of how scared they were or seemed really angry that they got it I would have been scared away from them.

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i told her everything yesterday. the initial reaction was of course a massive dose of surprise, mixed in with a little bit of relief (she felt like i was going to try end things). in the end, she said that she respected me that much more for telling her, and that as long we're both aware of the outbreaks and use protection, she's ok with it. !!!! she then said that she could only imagine how hard it was for me to go through that alone. and then it was done. :)

felt good to let it all out and i'm definitely glad i took the time to think things through and really determine if this is someone i want a relationship with.

thank you all for reading. i'm off to catch up on several dozen hours of missed sleep over this. :)

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