I guess all I can do is wait...

[smilenl]

Ok - I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster again and just have to share...

So I finally met a nice guy - a really really nice guy in fact. So i decided to bite the bullet last night and tell him. I was so scared as this is the first time I've told someone where I really do care about their response. I think overall I did ok in getting the message across by keeping it more matter of fact rather than sharing things like how shit I felt when I found out etc. and I managed to keep my emotions just about in check (although it was tough!).

So first reaction was surprise (he was coming over to relax after a long day at work and stuff and had no idea this was about to be "dropped" on him), then a bit of anger as he believed I should have told him a few nights ago (things got more intimate than I intended - but not to the extent of being "unsafe") and then I suppose he just didn't know how to react really and just hugged me and thanked me for being honest. I was glad he didn't leave then and there - and we did try and have "normal" conversations but I knew this was all ticking over in his head.

He stayed the night - but I felt there was definitely a conflict between him wanting his own space to think about it and wanting to stay with me (because we are both definitely highly attracted to each other). So this morning he said he was still coming round for diner on Thursday (had already been arranged) but that things may change after. He also said he knew there was more to me than herpes but he just wasn't too sure if he could deal with it...

I completely understand where he's coming from as if I was in his position I wouldn't know how to react either.

But now I feel rather exposed (after all most of my family and friends have no idea about my "status") and emotionally a bit out of control as the next step is completely his decision and added on top of that is the fact it's the first time I've really fancied someone in years. I know I have to be strong and just leave him alone to figure out what he wants but it's tough...I'd always get some text/sms from him after he's left and there's been none since he left this morning.

And now I guess all I can do is wait...I wish I could fast forward to tomorrow evening...

[bluefrog]

i hope it all works out the way you want it to.

[annyi]

Hang in there. I had been through the similar situation.... If he is sure about having a long term relationship, then things would not change. If he steps back, then there is something else more than herps on his mind. Believe me on this, and read more in other people's threads... In that case you would not want that. I know it is difficult to run into someone we are fond of, and it is pain to be waiting like this. But Herps is not the real reason. My date told me he was not ready for a serious relationship two weeks after I told him, although he took it well that night. And he told me H was not the reason, he had a lot of things going on in his life. I believed him and one week after that I saw him in a social event, the whole night with a girl with a bumped tummy(I don't want to assume anything...).

[smilenl]

Thanks!!!

And you're right about it not being about the herpes. I guess on the bright side of things it stops me "wasting time" with guys who aren't interested in the long haul. It kinda forces both people to figure out what they want - and I suppose that's what's go me on a bit of a roller coaster - it was the realisation I do really like this guy.

Ah well - what ever will be will be - I guess I'm just hoping for the best and preparing for the "worst".

[gutted.]

well how was it actaully sayiong those words..

before i told my last GF, well amnd the current one, i spent an hour looking in the mirror saying it to myself, funnily enuff it did help.

[NotMyFault07]

So Tough

I know exactly how you feel. A little about how I ended up here. I was in a relationship for 8 months. When we reached the point that we no longer wanted to use condoms, we both were tested for HIV/Aids. For some reason in my naive mind, it never occurred to be tested for anything else. I never worried about any stds because I had been married for 11 years and due to the fact that birth control made me ill, I have ALWAYS used condoms. I finally found a method of bc that didn't made me sick, so this was my first time having sex w/o a condom. It was 8 months into the relationship, after talking about getting married and starting a family, he decided to tell me that he was bisexual and had engaged in threesomes with other men in the past. I had NO clue. I was mortified and immediately saw my doctor and asked to be tested for everything. My results came back as positive for herpes. After the shock it took me a while to start dating again. I would date, but as soon as things started to get to be more than just casual dating, I would end the relationship. Now I'm dating someone exclusively and I'm crazy about him. I would even go as far as to say that I'm falling in love with him. I have no idea how to tell him. I'm am scared to death that he will end the relationship. I don't know what to do. If I tell him now and we stay together but the relationship ends for other reasons, that's one more person that knows. Imagine if I told everyone I dated right from the beginning that I have it, that would be more and more people that would know. If I wait until we are further into the relationship to tell him, I'm afraid that he will hate for waiting to tell him. I'm devastated and I don't know what to do. He's a great guy and I'd hate to lose him but I certainly don't want to do anything to hurt him. God, how do I make this decision and how do I handle it if he rejects me? It's easy to say that if he breaks up w/ me because of this then he really wasn't the right one for me, but you have to admit, it's a lot for a person to deal with and to accept and to especially put themselves in a situation where they will be at risk of catching something that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Has anyone had a positive reaction when telling their partner? If so I would love to hear about it for encouragement. Thanks

[annyi]

Maybe I have been dealt with this damn virus for over a year, I become a little acceptance about the situation now. Just recently, I started back into dating after my obs stopped flaring up. So far, I got two "I heard about it, it's ok, just have to be safe" answer, the first one ended by other reason. Second one is still ongoing, don't know what's next... I tell upfront when the sign of intimacy comes up, to save both parties time.

[serendip]

Yes you will have to wait. I can imagine how agonizing it must be, as I torture myself on just going out on a date! He is probably processing a lot of things right now. Everyone processes these things differently, it's not a black/white situation. Let him have time to think. Just remember that whatever happens, you need to remember that you are a wonderful person who deserves love like anyone else. I've been working through the emotional fallout of this and have finally realized that this will definitely serve as a super filter for true love.

Best of luck to you - and keep yourself busy to pass the time!

[smilenl]

Ok now I really need advice as I have no idea what to do next...

So basically he's not fully over his last girlfriend yet and so is not quite ready for a full blown relationship that needs commitment, added to that he had a major scare to do with stds in general last year and so he says he just can't deal with me having H and so "that's the end of that".

On the other hand he said he really really likes and he was pretty miserable having to tell me all of this...

But even though I though I'd "educated him" he thought I was contagious all the time, he hadn't done any seperate research on it (which hadn't even crossed his mind) and he was "physically scared" of me. Just to torture both of our selves more, he stayed the night to cuddle in bed (his call) as we were both pretty upset, but he was soooo concious about where our bodies were relative to each other (we had underware on) that I siad to him "there's no need to be scared of me" to which he said "it's not you I'm scared of, it's it" at which point I was hurting lots and said "well it's part of me now". Queue feeling more miserable.

So the next day it took us 2 hours to say goodbye to each other (as in proper goodbye - not meet again)...and I'm not just being female in maybe reading too much into it but he didn't want to say goodbye either. Survived work, then that evening started trying to move on and so deleted all sms/text messages. Then I got a text from him, saying it was probably "weird/wrong" for him to text me but he felt it was wrong if he didn't and he wished me a good weekend and stuff.

So now I'm so confused...I really like this guy and I think he really likes me but just is scared. One part of me just doesn't want to walk away from this and nearly feels like I should fight for this as I think he really likes me too. But the other part of me worries that if I contact him I'll juss be seen as presurising him after he already told me how he feels about the whole thing.

If it had been more black and white and he'd just walked away it would have been easier...

Do I contact him and "leave the door open" or do I just walk away?

Thanks for reading all of this, I'm so glad I've somewhere to share all this...any advice or view points or anything would be really welcome as it's rattling around my head and I have no idea what to do next.

NotMyFault07 - Completly understand where your coming from, but personally I'd tell him ASAP. If you want a relationship it should be built on trust, and you certianly don't want to be feeling worried/guilty about H while you're with him. Lots and lots of people have positive reactions - I did also but it ended for other reasons. As for "yet another person knowing" I guess that's just part of accepting having relationships and having herpes. I know I regret telling 2 people - one because I really didn't know him that well and the other because I knew him well but we hadn't been close friends in a while - but I've just accepted it as part of learning curve. Good luck!

[smilenl]

Ok - so after chilling with some good friends (but they don't know about my status - just that myself and the guy had stopped seeing each other) I feel like I'm on less of a roller coaster.

Most of me is now tending towards the "walk away" option...but how can I just walk away from the first guy I've really felt for in years? And if I don't walk away, what if he really can't get his head around it and it all ends up hurting me more?

(Sorry for these updates but I'm really finding it helpful putting things on "paper").

[Christy C]

Hi Smilin

You're helping by sharing so don't ever think its a burden to unburden.

You don't have to walk away from him, how about opting for friendship. Offer him that. That will give you a good opportunity to show him 'love' in a platonic way, get to know him and move forwards. One just never knows how those things turn out in the end. And nothing is ever cut and dry as in goodbyes. We let go in degrees.

Let us know how it goes

Christy

[annyi]

For my opinion, dating a person who is not ready for relationship is like dating a sleeping-walking person. His mind is wondering somewhere else, even when he is looking at you, snuggling with you. We hope that one day he wakes up and find we are there for him and had been, and appreciates it and wants to be with us. But do ourselves do that? One morning wake up and marry the guy that hang around us? We don't know what the outcome will be. And he expressed his worries, he is not considering you are a great girl to be with, but just thinking not to be near std. If he wants to come back, he will knock at the door till you open it, you don't need to particularly "leave the door open for him"... Move on with your own life. Being with him only give you a lot of hesitation, doubt, not being loved and you don't know how long it will be like this.

[bluefrog]

personally, if it was me, since i am the jealous type, i would walk away just for the fact that he is still hung up on his ex.

[BoxofRain]

move on, its not worth the torture of always wanting something he is not going to give you

[smilenl]

Thanks for the support!!!

So I decided to leave it as is...and then of course just as a came to terms with that he decided to call me "as it would feel wrong not to".

Anyway he still didn't know what he wanted, he still saw herpes as not only a box to tick but "a very big box". I really like him lots but I don't need my head messed with anymore.

So we agreed no more contact...and in fact, although slightly sad about it, I know it's the best for me.

So big hug to all - and keep on keepin on...

[4everHopeful]

same shoes

hey smilenl, I too just recently told someone that I really care about. It has been about 5 years since I felt this kind of connection, the kind that feels so right, as if this guy could potentially be the one...I've had hsvI for 7 year now and its a nonissue for me except when I have to tell someone. I've have not been rejected before until yesterday...it was about 2 weeks since I told him and we had talked 2 days after I told him and basically he said that he did not know how he felt about it, that he needed to do some more research on it, anyway, he called me yesterday, (the waiting was agony) and I was trying to remain hopeful that he would say that it was okay but he didn't and I am really bummed. He had even spoken to a close friend but since she had no experience either with gh, she just told him that he needed to figure it out.... he said that he is really sad over this as he too felt that he had finally find a great girl but.....he said that he just can't seem to get passed it and knows that its his own stupid fears, fears of getting it and fears of me passing it on in childbirth and the effects of that....What could I say to him, I wished him well and told him I still thought he was great guy ...he said that this didn't mean I needed to be a stranger, that if I wanted to talk ....but what good is that....he too seemed on the fence and I feel the same as you, do I pursue him and just let him go???? I'm very sad over this and only one of my friends knows of my gh, although I feel compelled to tell others who kept wondering why he hadn't called me for so long....I know in time that I will feel okay but I've been single again(divorced) for 7 years now and its so hard to find that connection..... Has anyone ever been initially rejected but then worked it out????

[smilenl]

Hi 4everhopeful!

Wow - we are having the exact same experience! For me it's also been 5 years since it felt so "connected" when I was with someone...plus only one good friend knows.

I'm also really sad about the whole situation (and I do belive sad is the right word). In fact a friend who doesn't know about my status commented that he'd never seen me so sad before. And yes it's soooo frutrating not to be able to explain to everyone what the issue actually is - in fact we both agreed to "lie" to our friends about the real reason for us not continuing on.

I'm not sure we can really presue them and "change their minds" about this. I guess somewhere deep down I'm hoping he will change his mind and come running back to me...but another part of me remembers how physically scared he was of me the last night we cuddled in bed together and I just don't know if he' ever get his head around it. (So female in thinking about everyting way too much)

My head is still spinning with it - but less so than a week ago so all I can really say to you is that it does seem to get better.

Good luck!

[4everHopeful]

Hey Smilenl,

Thanks for the reply. I feel a bit stronger today and know that its his loss, but like you deep down I hope he comes back and tells me he made a mistake...we never got to the point of cuddling in bed...just some nice intense kissing, you know the kind they forget about once sex comes into the picture I'm wavering on whether to tell some of my other friends, we'll see... In the scheme of things out there, gh really is the least of his worries, right? and he has no clue what he brings to the table, one's health is never guaranteed and wouldn't you want a partner who will be there for you? He has his Mom die from cancer, he should know better....

Only time will tell......till then I will regroup and be grateful that I am who I am, herpes and all

[annyi]

Ladies, I am trying to deal with the same thing... I keep questioning myself that should I tell upfront or should I wait? See, when we wait, we get ourselves fall for this guy deeply, and the rejection is harder to handle, but if we tell the guy upfront, which I am doing now, it is less pain in case of rejection--you know, rejection comes in different forms, he may say, I am not ready for a serious relationship, who knows... But in my case, the guy don't know me very well yet, I have not given him the time and opportunity to see the whole package, and "drop that H bumb"(that's his exact words), and I understand he would run away. But in another guy friend's words, "a guy sees you, sees your eyes, knows you are a nice girl, if the guy is looking for something serious, he would go for it." So I believe that a guy would not need very long to see if we are relationship material... The guy I dated and told about it disappeared for three weeks, recently he called me again want to talk and meet again... I have no clue where it is going, but guess just take one day at a time....

[4everHopeful]

annyi, would love to know the outcome, keep us posted. and good luck, I hope he turns out to be a keeper! it would be so nice to settle down with someone and not have to concern yourself with telling a new partner....

[annyi]

annyi, would love to know the outcome, keep us posted. and good luck, I hope he turns out to be a keeper! it would be so nice to settle down with someone and not have to concern yourself with telling a new partner....

Thank you for the nice thoughts... We did meet again, spent most of the day together, chatting, cooking, went to swim, under the sun... I just enjoyed all the little things we did together. We did try intimate a little, but no sex, because none of us prepared condom--I did not know what was on his mind when he said to meet... And then he disappeared again for three days now. I mean no phone calls, no emails. Don't know if he had gone for a trip or what--both of us on vacation now.... So I guess it is done again. I try not to think too much into it... I did leave him a message on the cell. There isn't too much I can do now....