do i believe him?

[thiscantbe]

I recently started a relationship with someone, and everything seemed like magic between us, and then lo and behold I come down with a fever, lower back pain, swollen glands, and then, the sores. I know I absolutely picked this up from my new partner as obviously I had the symptoms of the initial infection so it's my first exposure, and before him, I haven't been with anyone for a long time.

When I got the diagnosis, I was in complete shock. I got the test result back and it's HSV2. We were both supposedly clean of STDs (but yeah, no HSV test since we didn't ask specifically) and both had been in long term relationships beforehand...

I talked to him about it, and at first he was in total disbelief. He said that he has never had any symptoms, ever, and he recently came from a relationship with someone for 7 years, and she never showed any signs of herpes. He is going to get tested, although at this point I know he has it cause there is no other way for me to have gotten it. He does believe me when I say that I was only with him, so now he knows he must have it and he must be the one who gave me this... and he told me he feels absolutely terrible, blah blah...

Is it really possible that he didn't know? Is he one of those randomly asymptomatic shedders (I really don't remember seeing any bumps or anything untoward on him), and the girl in his previous relationship was just lucky and didnt catch it over 7 yrs time (or if she did catch it she was also asymptomatic, or she gave it to him and they were both asymptomatic). Or is he lying?

My initial outbreak is something that one could not ignore. Do people really not have this initial outbreak, and then never have any subsequent outbreaks ever? It's hard to believe people get this and just don't get *any* symptoms ever...

I just don't know whether to trust him now... cause if he did know or ever have any suspicions or rash or anything not just right... and then if he withheld that info... it's just evil (cause this virus is just terrible). But if he genuinely has never had symptoms ever, can I hold him accountable for what he didn't know?

[sweetandsour]

Hi I'm a newbie

I think you can believe him,having been diagnosed only last week and still in shock and despair because I cannot honestly say I have ever been aware of anything amiss with me other than one time I got a very small itchy rash on my back but thought it was nothing more than a heat rash and dismissed it, a few months later I got the same small irritation and this time went to the doctor who showed no concern for it at all and gave me Aciclovar which cleared it up in no time,I didn't know what Aciclovar was or that it was used as a Herpes treatment,why would I when he made no effort to tell me I just accepted the Prescribed medication for a little rash to make it better never ever thinking I had anything nasty because I was in a 9yr relationship which ended due to my partner having an affair,as soon as I found out I took myself to an STD Clinic to be checked and was given the all clear so was totally unconcerned after that the relationship ended 7yrs ago and I have been with only 1 man since who over a period of 4 months did not contract anything from me otherwise I'm sure he would have told me,so I must be asymptomatic too, I would not have know to this day had I not asked for a swab to be taken from the rash mainly out of curiosity to see what had caused it to appear twice over a very long period of time,so I was devastated to find I had HSV 2 to be honest I'd not really heard of it I knew about cold sores being a herpes but thought genital herpes was only for the very sexually active people with multiple partners therefore that somewhat excluded me completely and I had no worries having an STD whatsoever since my life had been far from active in that respecti,I feel like the worlds biggest idiot because I also did not know there were any STD's nowadays that could not be cured in a few days with treatment I feel angry because I was not made more aware by my doctor that the blistery rash could in fact be HSV2 are they just dismissing things too I was not at any time told not to have sex until the result of the swab I wasn't even told to cover it up I did that myself because I thought it best,I feel I have been allowed to carry this without my knowledge despite a visit to my doctor in the past with the same thing some years ago it is made worse by the fact that it's for life,I am also upset because the guy I was seeing has all of a sudden not contacted me for over a month and since finding this out about myself I am distraught that I may have given it to him unwittingly I don't even know if maybe he gave it to me,under normal circumsatnces I would have contacted him to ask why he hadn't called but I can't bring myself to do that incase he is certain he didn't have it and now has I couldn't stand a verbal lashing right now I am as fragile as I've ever been in my life and cry day and night,I'm not understanding why we were active sexually for 4 months with no sign of anything with either of us then out of the blue I get diagnosed with this and at the same time he seems to have disappeared,could he not be making contact because he's not 100% sure it wasn't him who gave it to me? .... at the moment I am unable to do anything except think how disgusting this is and how it will have a huge impact on my life from here on and feel extremely upset that I may have infected him too now hence his silence,is it possible my ex partners infidelity with a much younger woman could have been passed to me as far back as 7 yrs ago and I have lived unknowing all that time?.... but back to your question .... I can only go by the way it has affected me in that I was not aware at all and no one can accuse anyone for dismissing a small rash in the height of Summer,had it been on or near my genital area I most certainly would have been concerned but i have never ever had anything there only twice a little insignificant rash on my back not even something that I myself was concerned about .... so I guess this virus is getting around fast because you know I have not once seen a poster or leaflets anywhere about it not even in a doctors surgery so how ARE we meant to be viglilant of this nasty Scarlet Pimpernel that will one day jump up and bite us big time.....I don't know how I can live with this I truly don't !

[thiscantbe]

thanks for your post, sweetandsour.

i doubt i would have thought a rash on my back was anything to worry about either... and it sounds like you've probably had this a long time and had no idea...

i *want* to believe him... after coming from a failed marriage it was wonderful to finally feel loved & cared for ... and then, this whammy.

[benurising]

Many people don't get outbreaks, or at least ones severe enough that they notice. It is entirely possible that he didn't know.

[anyone]

This sounds pretty similar to what just happened to me. I was diagnosed last month, and I got it from my husband who didn't know he had it. Actually, he had an outbreak before we got together, but he says he didn't think it could be herpes because it was mild and he hadn't slept with anyone for a long time before that. I really believe that he didn't know. Like you, I was in a bad marriage before, and my husband now is a really great and caring guy. We consider ourselves lucky to have eachother in dealing with this. I'll take herpes over a crappy marriage any day. It is very possible that your bf didn't know or didn't recognize an outbreak. My opinion is, if you care about eachother, believe him and support eachother.

[rocky]

Hello

Hi this can't be,

While in university, I was in a relationship in which the person I was with was having an affair. It was actually out fear that I might have contracted something that got me to test for STD's in general. I had no symptoms of any kind to indicate herpes.

Prior to this relationship, I had no sexual relations with anyone. Five months after the relationship brokedown and after being tested, I'd realized that I had this virus. It has been about a year since I have realized that I have it.

At first, I denied that I'd contracted something, then fear kicked in as to whether it was serious enough that I needed medical attention; I had no idea of what this virus was, but since it carried a testing name as HSV, I associated it with HIV and I can't even tell you the way I felt. I was on vacation visiting my family oversees and I could not even enjoy my visit. Since then, I've grouped myself together to realize that It wasn't as serious as I thought it should be, like HIV and learned about what this virus can do. My worst fear was testing for HIV, Hep b, Hep c, and Syphlis, all negative.

The point was that I didn't even know I had Herpes until I got tested. I still don't feel like I have anything that resembles Herpes, but there exists a little emotional upheaveal at times of knowing that I have something such as Herpes.

I had contacted the girl to let her know about my status; she seemed to ignore and deny anything I had to say, which made me think that she probably never got tested for anything.

I hope everything works well for you. I can't vouch for your boyfriend as to whether he knew it or not, but I can tell you that his probabilities of not knowing can be fairly high, since there are many people out there who don't get break outs and might never get one.

Take care and best of luck

[sweetandsour]

Update on previous reply

Hi Again

Since last replying to your Post I have seen both my Doctor and a Health Advisor,both were bemused at my believing I had Genital Herpes because the swab taken from the small rash on my back came back HSV2 Positive,I spent an hour with both talking over the facts with them,my GP is fairly young and therefore I would think was most up to date on everything rather than a GP who is older and perhaps not keeping up to speed with whats new as far as updated research on certain things are concerned when I said HSV 2 is responsible for genital herpes and is a STD her reply was ." Thats NOT what I learned in University" she also said it is NOT an STD it is the same as HSV1 and this numbers thing needs to be stamped out as thats whats caused the stigma for years and made people feel dirty and like Lepers,Genital Herpes is so called because of WHERE the rash breaks out and is regarded by ignorance and misinformed people that this is in fact an STD.... Genital Herpes can be passed even if you've been with NO ONE sexually in your entire life,we are all too hasty in blaming someone in particular although someone is always to blame in the first place it could just as easily be someone we haven't even MET the way in which it is passed are numerous,ok let me tell you what I learned from the rash that appeared on my back,after a lengthy chat with 2 qualified individuals .......it would seem that I could have without a doubt picked this up from Sunbeds I used to use regularly, if I got on one after someone who was having an active outbreak anywhere on their body,apparently the virus can live for up to 8hrs on hard surfaces,stupid thing about this is I always tended to prefer to go on a bed straight after someone simply because it was nice and warm giving no thought whatsoever to the dangers of possible herpes lying on the bed waiting for me from the previous user,even cleaning the bed prior to use would not kill the virus as it is only Anti-Bacterial cleansing liquid that is used NOT Anti-Viral .... long and short of it is this IF I had lay naked on my front and slid around getting into position ( as we do) I could just have easily got the virus on my outer vagina in the same manner I got it on my back,If it had become itchy I could have spread it further and further around my genital area and even into my vagina itself it's that simple!!! ..... I now see myself as one very lucky lady that even though I have been unfortunate enough to catch this virus I got it on my back and heaven forbid I had touched it and then touched my genitals before knowing what it was if so I would have transferred it to myself,therefore I'm sure the same scenario could apply to a man in how it's caught....these are the Facts I was given only 3 days ago from a Doctor AND a GU Health Advisor.....what disturbs and disgusts me most is the way it is made out that HSV1 and HSV2 are two different types of virus when they are not,HERPES IS HERPES but it seems it's ok to walk around with weeping blisters or scabs on your mouth and it's accepted by everyone as JUST a "cold sore" and people don't blink an eye about it,try saying " Awww! you poor thing I'm sorry to see your having a Herpes outbreak on your lip I get those too but mine break out on my genitals" I could well imagine the readtion to that but WHY WHY WHY when in fact you have exactly the same as THEY do only yours breaks out in a different place.....bottom line is it's acceptable to have it on the lips of your face but not the lips of your vagina.......Someone somewhere along the line decide to called it GENITAL Herpes and say it could only be caught sexually just to make those unfortunate enough to get it there feel even MORE miserable and thats why the Stigma is there today ..... Herpes is Herpes it makes no damn difference WHERE it breaks out it's HERPES

Since finding out I have Herpes and gathering every the information from people qualified in that field I refuse to see people who suffer from the so called and stigmatised Genital herpes as any different to myself I now have huge respect and sympathy for what they go through pretty much in silence,the physical pain the mental anxiety as well as fear and shame brought about by the ignorance of Society to educate themselves on such things...the sooner Society stamps out these unwarranted stigmas that have caused people to feel isolated and ashamed the better quality of life we would all have .....

My BIG question is this WHY if this is an STD and such a HUGE problem WHY does it seem to disappear off the face of the earth when people ask to be tested for STD's why because it's NOT first and foremost an STD thats why!!!!! if it were it would not be bypassed it would go hand in hand with all the others that are tested for,sad thing about herpes is they wait till you GET it before telling you about this nasty silent horrible virus thats been lurking almost everywhere in your daily life waiting it's chance to change your life forever....

classic case of closing the stable door after the horse has bolted I'd say !!!!

[Shayna]

Herpes=std

[gutted.]

because it's NOT first and foremost an STD thats why!!!!!

Herpes = STD - end off..

dont go saying stuff like that. give people false beliefs.

[sweetandsour]

Herpes = STD - end off..

dont go saying stuff like that. give people false beliefs.

Excuse me !!! I am NOT giving ANYONE false hope,I am simply SHARING what I was told,how on earth can we know WHO to believe in all of this when GU Health Care Advisors and Doctors are handing out what YOU say is untrue .... are YOU a Doctor OR a Heath Care Advisor ??? if not please do NOT tell me what I can and cannot share here,I have posted exactly what I was told after lengthy discussions with fully qualified and Professional bodies,please do not assume you know better than they do,when I said it is not first and foremost an STD THAT is what I was TOLD!!! ..... Over 2 hrs of talking about it with people who have studied this for years can hardly be classed as " Lack of Communication"....the trouble with these Forums is those who have been around them for a long time tend to think they are know all there is to know and in some ways actually think they are Doctors they do not take kindly to people like me who has put forward MY story what I told in my Post is exactly as I was told!! and it is very annoying when short flippant replies come back like

Herpes = STD end off .....

You are allowed your opinion please be gracious enough to allow others theirs.At the end of the day people will read and take heed of whatever they want to ..... the purpose of Forums is so that we can ALL share our own personal experiences on whats happened to us and what we have been told regarding it.

[ginnyp]

Hi Thiscan'tbe,

I want to share my story with you because of the similarities. I met my bf in October. In late November I was diagnosed with HSV2. I had never had any symptoms before this and pretty much thought I got it from him. He had been in a long-term marriage that ended and he hadn't been with anyone else since then. He had never had any symptoms, and neither did his ex-wife. I was pretty sure I got it from him though, as I hadn't had sex in 2 years and this was my first outbreak.

Well, this virus is kinda crazy, because it turns out my bf does NOT have it. He recently tested negative. My first ob was in November. But apparently I had herpes for quite some time before that. At least 2 years! And never any symptoms. I wanted to share this with you because until your bf is tested you really can't say if he gave it to you or if you already had it. It is completely possible that you already had it, and completely possible that he had it and didn't know. I would say you can't tell if you got it from him until his test results come back.

[lola1]

This virus sure is tricky..

Similiar situation here..never any symptoms, until Dec. 07..when I was 6 months into a monogamous relationship...very bad "first o.b." or so dr. says..tests come back positive for HSV 1 and 2 (though never ever any symptoms of either..) antibody levels show a "slight positive" so I probably had the virus for several months before the actual o.b., dr. says.

I immediately assume my b.f. gave it to me..bc never had any problems before him..right..? So, when he gets tested, I'm expecting him to come back as HSV2 positive..Surprise...he's negative!!! After about 7 mos of unprotected sex, he's negative, but I'm positive..Go figure...!! Even my b.f.'s doctor was kind of surprised and said that he's seen some strange scenarios regarding HSV transmission and that he's even seen people who "carry it" and can infect others even though the antibodies don't show in their blood..it can happen..not probable, but it is possible, he says...there are no absoluts with regard to this virus..it is very oportunistic and it is best to just use caution and hope for the best..

At this point, I would say that this virus is a tricky little bugger and I'm totally baffled..and I've just resigned to the fact that I have it and probably will never know who I got it from and am just accepting that and learning to deal with it..it's a pain for sure..but it is not as bad (for me, at least) as the general (non-infected) public think, in my opinion..

I am doing treatment with Lysine, Oregano oil, etc.. and hope to get it under control...I don't think most people realize how prevelant this virus is..and how easy it can be to catch..esp. for women, who seem to have the worst symptoms and are more easily afflicted..I just think of it as " I have cold sore down there.." and that makes me feel better and keeps it in perspective..but trust me, I have my bad days, too, just trying to keep positive with a crappy situation!!