I need advice.

[Sheanicole]

Hi... I'm new to this forum, but I was diagnosed with herpes in September '03. So I'm not new to this virus, But I've been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for two years and 3 months. We've had a great relationship... we never fight, we love eachother, we've lived together for two years as well. I told him on our third date, which was the 4th of July what I had. I told him my story, and his answer was he kissed me... which made me feel he could see past this and see the real me. He had questions of course and I'm sure that he did his own research, but bottom line I felt good about this and I thought that he might be scared but he's willing to take a chance with me and know the real me. He has also been in our relationship the initiator of us... he was the one that fell across my lap, the one who asked for my number, called me, also the first to say I love you... and so on. We are the same age and for his past 8 or 9 years he has been working towards getting into Medical school... which I found from just being with him and living with him has been a very stressful process, from which I have been more than supportive. And he always told me in our first year that he wanted to make a better life for us, he asked me one day crying that if he had to go to a tropical island for school if I would go with him... I said of course... yes. This past year I noticed him growing distant... not in sense of showing how he feels about me I know he loves me... but he stopped saying things like "making a better life for us", and we kinda stopped having sex... I took it as stress related, from dealing with trying to get into school (he was on a waiting list for a school in Maine)... and I was really unhappy where I was in my career... So I could understand that just in case I had an outbreak or anything... and I know he never performed well under stress at least from what he told me. Come the last week in June... He found out that he got accepted to that school.. and has had only a month to get everything together for it. I've been trying to talk to him about whether he wants me to go with him.. if we want to do this long distant... and ever since he got into school he has put us on the backburner... which he says he already feels guilty about... and i've been given excuses as to why he doesn't think it's a good idea for me to go up to school with him... So I;ve been trying to figure out basically bottom line does he want to be with me or not. He doesn't feel he wants me up in Maine... He's not too fond about a long distance relationship... Loves me but doesn't know what to do about us. So last night... I sat him down (after having conversation after conversation about what to do with us over the past month) and basically asked him minus school minus every other thing going on in our lives, bottom line... how do you feel about me... and how do you feel about us. He asks me why... I told him answer my question and I'll tell you why. He says hard to answer because he has to consider all those other factors. I told him no it isn't... either you love me or you don't.... either you want to be with me or you don't. I told him if you asked me that question I would say I wanna be with you... I love you... that's the bottom line... and I could tell that he's been scared of something... i just can't pinpoint it... so i asked him what are you so scared of. And out of all the things that he could've said I was blown away by his answer which was "I love you, but I'm scared of catching it." I never cried so hard in my life. he continued "I love you and I found in you such an amazing and beautiful person. Someone who supports me and is willing to follow me, but i'm scared of catching this and I don't want to catch it. All those times that we would try to have sex and i couldn't perform, or the way you would tease me and I wouldn't react was because of it was all in the back of my mind" I asked him "Why now?" and he says he was always scared. And I asked him why he never told me... and he said "I didn't want to hurt you... I never want to hurt you". In our relationship he said he took a chance on me because he had a friend who had herpes... but that he knew it didn't define who he was... and here was a girl he was interested in who through out a big thing on the table...and he wanted to take a chance... and she turned out to be an amazing person not defined by what she has, but who she is.. and that he fell in love with her. Now all of a sudden he's really scared of catching it from me and he's struggling with the fact that he loves me so much... and I just don't understand. I thought this was something that we got past... I've never felt so let down. And I don't know what to do or say... Because I know that I don't deserve this... I could understand if our relationship was still new... but we've been together for 2 years. That's a long time. And I've been thinking about going back to school for a while which this past year he's been supportive of as well. Now he says he wishes I was going back to school because he'd have more time to figure this out. Time which right now he doesnt have. I know this isn't fair to me... But I've never loved someone so much in my life. And i know there are precautions we can take to try and prevent the spread of it... but there are never any guarantees and I can't heal his fear for him. I don't know what to do I don't know what to say to him. I really need some advice. If anyone has any.

[BoxofRain]

It sounds like he was crazy about you in the beginning but the stress and changes in life direction over the past 2 years has changed who he is a lot. It also sounds like he is at a point in his life where he is ready to move/change directions and I think he sounds like he is ready for something new and the idea of his life in the future is different in his mind than it was 2 years ago. It sounds like he loves you but might not be in love with you anymore, and that his life is finally falling into the places where he wants to be and now that it is taken form of what he invisioned, he may be thinking of other potential changes in life in the form of future jobs, friends, places to live and other lovers/partners and unfortunately that could be weighing heavily on his stress of contracting this from you because quite frankly, he knows if he gets it his future is screwed in terms of being sexually free and having the ability to date and begin new relationships without having to have the talk and he also may not want to risk his sexual health any longer. People change and if this is something that has always bothered him and he's been scared of but has tried his hardest because at the time his heart was truly in it, then it makes sense why now the impending fear he's always had has reached peak level, as now he wants different things for his future and doesnt want to catch it and ruin a lot of opportunities for his future in terms of freedom. It is so hard but its exactly what it sounds like to me. Especially the part when you asked all things aside if he loved you, and his answer was "why?" that right there tells me something right there....he is trying to avoid the bottom line and being wishy washy because it sounds like he would never want to hurt your feelings in any way so the 100% honest response will not come easy from him. If he is coming up with reasons for you not to go to Maine then he doesnt want you there plain and simple but is trying to tip toe around the truth to spare your feelings and to ease his own conscience about it all. I hope this doesnt seem to harsh but it is my honest opinion and I am just going off what you wrote so just consider it and go with your gut instinct, dont let your emotions for him cloud your perception of what may be the underlying truth. If I am wrong then so be it, but it just seems like what is going on, or something very similar to those lines. just my opinion

[Christy C]

somewhat similar experience

My dear dear girl

You are me ten years ago. You are in or wer in the eye of your hurricane. If you know any thing of hurricanes you know they rage and then in the middle there is this calm and then bam it's back on again. Incidentally I did write a true life novel called The Eye of The Hurricane. About a girl with herpes on a mission to find the one man who won't run when he hears her secret. You like me have gone past that. Into the second winds.

He needs to be educated. Informed. Only correct information can allay his fears. The small risk and even after that risk, even if he does get it he doesn't have to suffer with it. Read my article on Outbreak Free and Proud to be. If you do manage to control your outbreaks, the risk to him is even smaller. So so much smaller.

The first man who accepted me as I was too loving and caring to hurt me, to tell me to my face I can't deal with this.

Edited out of the book The Eye of The Hurricane. (One of the scenes which didn’t make it – like the bonuses of a movie)

[ Bloody liar, its not the first time he has lied right to my face. I am still not over the incident on my birthday last year when a girls' night out leads me to him slow dancing at Indies in another woman’s arms. He didn't even stop when I tapped on his shoulder and asked him to cut in. She pulled him back into her arms and they continued dancing, totally oblivious to me.

“He’s dancing with me.” She says. And later, she has it out with me outside. “He’s here with me tonight. He invited me here. He sleeps around, he fucks around and he is screwing my friend.” The bouncer has to hold her back. She's all ready to fight me. A girl whom I have never seen before. Ready to tear my eyes out because I ask my own man to dance. And Rhys says nothing, does nothing.

"You should have been at the hotel with your girl friends," he says they next morning.

"Who is she, Rhys?"

"It doesn't matter Tara." We don't speak for one week. I forgive him because he is embarrassed trying to tell me he doesn't know what to do about us. He can't bring himself to say 'herpes'. He doesn't know what to do about 'you know what I mean Tara'. I don't know what to do either so I let the dancing girl incident drop. He needs to let off steam. But then one day the security puts a call through to him in his room and I'm there. He pretends the connection is bad, but I could hear her still speaking as he hangs up on her.

"I'm sorry, no we have no openings at the moment. Terrible sorry, try another hotel." As if. Who is going to call the manager of a hotel at seven in the evening looking for a job? ]

Rhys was scared. And throughout the two years we were together he put on a brave face for me. Though he was my best friend we were just that. Good friends who share a bed only to sleep. And here I was wanting it, needing it and just not getting any. I consoled myself with the fact that he is an older man hitting his fifties and just doesn’t have the stamina. Until I catch him on my birthday night when I should habve been otherwise engaged with my girlfriends, slow dancing with a hot young bitch. Who looks as tempting as I did but obviously didn’t have herpes. (Or most likely had but didn't tell him)

He accepted me but only so far. And that wasn’t enough. I muster the strength to move on. To find the man who’ll accept me just as I am. Not half way, but fully. Totally.

Now this was my story. I hope for both your sakes with information you two can make it. But if you don't you're onto your second winds and even that can have a lovely outcome.