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Never kissed a girl.....Should we really be expected to tell people?

I just found out I have cold sores(herpes simplex 1) I am 21 years old, virgin, never kissed a girl. no sexual activity whatsoever

I'm pretty sure I've had it a long time, maybe all my life. I always just thought they were pimples. I rarely ever got break outs. The reason why is probably cause I was less stressed. Now that I found it's herpes, I have not got a day without a breakout in the last 4 months or so.

If someone told me they have herpes(before I knew I had it) I would be repulsed, never talk to them again and get away quickly. The point is that 80% of people have cold sores. It's a virtually harmless virus. The thing is most people like I used to be are generally stress free, healthy, and don't even know they have it already.

What the hell is the point of telling someone you have herpes before a simple kiss? I mean you can't live life like that. Especially knowing that the odds are, the person already has it in some form. Also in the slim chance they don't have it. They are going most likely guaranteed to get it sometime in their life.

The thing is telling someone you have herpes is pointless... it makes it a bigger deal that it is.

Reading these whole forums about life being over and having to tell all your partners you have a DREADED STD before moving any further is scaring the shit out of me. You guys can't be serious. Please tell me your not serious.

Am I seriously expected to tell every girl before I give her an innocent kiss that "OH HOLD A SEC I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETING, I HAVE AN STD, called HERPES, YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS". There's no fucking point, I mean seriously, herpes is less harmless than the common cold. It's just the stigma attached to the word that makes it an STD.

I say screw it and just be like everyone else... pretend you don't know you have it, everyone's gonna end up with one type one way or another before they die, unless they never have human contact.

Being healthy, having a healthy immune system, which is mainly the result of being mentally healthy and stress free, along with diet, excercise is the best solution for herpes outbreaks. Stressing out about all this stigma is gonna just make you have constant outbreaks like me.

What do you guys think? who's sticking with me? I'm not gonna give up my life and never have a first kiss because of this common harmless virus..

I want to hear your opinions please

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quote from maxwell777: "I say screw it and just be like everyone else... pretend you don't know you have it, everyone's gonna end up with one type one way or another before they die, unless they never have human contact."

i think you will find that most, if not all, people on this forum will disagree 100% with your statement. i also feel that your statement is far from the truth.

people who are knowledgeable and safe and concerned and careful, etc. will not get herpes.

please reconsider your feelings regarding telling. i dont think you would like somebody to not tell you, would you?

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Thanks for your reply bluefrog.

I agree with you. However did you not know that 80% of the population already has been infected with the herpes virus in form of cold sores?

No one told me before I got it, neither did most of the 80% of the population with cold sores. Most of them caught it while a child, like me.

Did you know that most if not all people you hear about having C-sections giving birth, have them because of herpes? not guaranteed, but you can be pretty sure.

I would agree with you, if I didn't know these facts. The reason most people aren't affected by it(have outbreaks) is because they live a generally stress free healthy life and have a healthy immune system because of it.

giving someone a cold is 100 times worse than giving them herpes. It's a harmless virus physically. It's really only a STIGMA virus. Only if you are mentally stressed out or otherwise unhealthy will you have outbreaks to the point they cause a problem.

Why worry about giving somebody a virus they already have or will have? That's my question. They just might not know they have it.

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i know alot of the stats. that does not make it any easier to accept/deal with/live with. it is wrong to knowingly have herpes and not tell those you will have physical contact with. cold sores, hsv1 and hsv2 are highly contagious and life long. why would you want to knowingly pass this along? what makes you think that everybody before they die will have the virus? maybe if people who have it disregard it, but otherwise, i do not believe that.

giving somebody a cold is worse than giving them herpes? i disagree totally. the cold is annoying, as is herpes 1 and 2, the cold goes away, herpes is forever. i don't see any logic to your feelings about a cold being worse than herpes.

maybe if you had gotten herpes from a gf, maybe if you had hsv2, you would feel differently? i just got this lovely virus a few months ago, and ya know what, it is a big deal to me. and......if i had hsv1 orally, would it be okay for me to kiss my children and figure, "oh well, they too, will have this STIGMA virus someday, so who cares if i pass it along to them?

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Bluefrog, thank you again for your valid criticism of my argument.

I guess it's just scaring me how little is known by the public(and even herpes community) about how common the virus is.

It's my opinion that the stigma attached to the herpes virus, causes people who KNOW they have it, to stress out, thereby depressing the immune system, therby causing more outbreaks.

You're right that if I had gotten it from a a girlfriend, and HSV2, I would feel differently. The reason is I wouldn't have the perspective that I have now.

I was one of those people who just didn't know I had it(but did since childhood), never really got outbreaks. If I did, they were unoticable. I made fun of people with herpes and cold sores, etc... I was scared of ever catching it, If i knew someone who had it, I would have maintained distance and probably never talked to them again.

The point is, the whole time, I actually had it. I just one day examined a "pimple" a little to closely and found out what it really is. Ever since then, the stress caused by the STIGMA of the virus, has caused tons of outbreaks non stop. I am an example of the population at large who has these.

Why should I take someone out of their ignorant bliss and cause them to get more outbreaks. By telling someone you have herpes, and that they might get it, it could cause enough stress in them to depress their immune system and actually make them more likely to have an outbreak, or catch it.

Exposure doesn't mean that you are guaranteed infection. We have something called innate immunity. That's why healthy people never get colds or sick no matter how much they get exposed.

Is it possible that you(with the help of the rest of the world) are making your herpes a bigger deal than it really is?

What about chickenpox? Isn't it considered a good thing for everyone to just go ahead and get over catching chickenpox early in life? chicken pox is forever too(also a form of herpes).

Again, thank you for your dialogue. You make excellent point and really are getting me and hopefully everyone else thinking. Also, thank you listening to my arguments.

Anyone else have comments?

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here we go again....

Ok, we have all been down this path before, but here we go again....

First off, coldsore/herpes 1 is a very contagious virus. We all know this. While I do not feel anybody should be ostracized because they HAVE herpes, I also believe that we should take responsibility for our own actions and try our best not to pass it on. Coldsores/herpes 1 is a tough cookie because we DO have so much physical connection with people via kiss/hugging/nuzzling, thus, it is easier to spread.

Yes, the majority of the WORLD has hsv1 Maxwell, however, that doesn't give us the right to haphazardly pass it on to unsuspecting victims. Since it is "no big deal" having it, then it should be "no big deal" telling someone hey, I get coldsores. Chances are, the person you are telling does too, then there are no worries as far as kissing goes. And there are WAYS to tell someone with some finesse that makes it sound like "no big deal" but you are still telling.

Did you know that should you engage in oral sex with a young woman, there is a chance you can pass it onto her that way??? Think THAT would be "no big deal" to her? And visa versa, you get some oral from a gal and SHE is prone to coldsore, there is the slight chance you too will get it on YOUR genitals. Would THAT be no big deal?

It is unfair in the grand scheme of things we have this stuff, but once again, it is ultimately up to US to be responsible for our own actions.

I laughed at your quib about the csection thing. I too, have wondered, gee, that person had a csection?? Do they have.....???

I had a csection with my youngest child. Not because of herpes. Because my older child and I both almost died in childbirth. I wasn't willing to take THAT risk on my life and that of my unborn baby. When it was time to have child number two, my new doctor was appalled at what I was put through before and insisted on a csection. Herpes was merely the icing on the cake for me. And guess what?? Easy easy delivery. And I was stress free, and the baby was under NO fetal stress.

Many women in now have csections because 1) it is trendy...go figure and 2) they want to keep their little vaginas all pristine and perfect and feel THIS is the route to go. Ahhhhh...even our vaginas must look young and good, eh??

I also laughed when I read the line you posted abuot Chicken pox.

Yes, Chicken pox are highly contagious when you initially get them and are at the sore/rashy phase. They can even be deadly in rare RARE cases. They can even come BACK years later in the form of Shingles. HOWEVER, once you have had them, and they are GONE, you will NOT pass them onto someone later in life. I could fuck my old man everywhich way and sideways if I wanted to and he is NOT going to catch chicken pox from me. I can rub myself up against every human being I come into contact with, and they are NOT going to contract chicken pox from me.

We can't say the same about herpes, can we? I have had to change and alter my life because of it.

I too, have had coldsores since I was a little girl. I never knew it was herpes. I thought it was something totally different, its own entity. I imagine I kissed a ton of people in high school and early college without thinking of any ramifications of kissing them. Granted, I never kissed anybody when a coldsore was present, that is gross, but otherwise, it was on! Then when I worked at a health clinic and I learned about herpes and other STDS, well, things changed. Not only was I careful about NOT spreading it to others, I made SURE to protect MYSELF and have a certain talk with potential suitors.

I am "blessed" (insert sarcastic voice here) with both hsv1 and 2. I have had coldsores since childhood. Chances are a relative kissed me and gave it to me. I have learned to deal with it over the years. It really is no big deal other than when I have an actual outbreak. I have learned how to keep this to a minimal. I contracted herpes 2 from a lying scumbag son of a bitch who did NOT tell me he had it, who is a DOCTOR and should know better than anybody else, and who I thought I was in a long term relationship with. We had our talk about what was up with our health before indulging in any sexual activity and not ONCE did he mention it to me. Had he done so, things might be different for me right now. This virus has caused me great physical AND emotional duress....so think about that before NOT telling someone.

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Does this mean we should live in a bubble or in fact not live at all as far as Socialising is concerned and be wary of anyone who wants to kiss us whether it be a friendly kiss or a passionate kiss,do we say Whoaaaaaaaaaa!! before you kiss me I have to tell you " I have herpes" otherwise feel guilty for the rest of our lives that we kissed someone and didn't tell them,as for HSV2 I caught mine from a Sunbed yes a Sunbed!! the virus can live for up to 8hrs on a hard surface according to research I done on it and how it can be transmitted from one person to another it is not always through skin to skin contact,certainly someone gave it to me but someone I've never MET much less kissed or slept with also I am classed as having Genital Herpes because nomatter where I've looked HSV2 IS Genital Herpes even though my tiny rash only ever breaks out on my lower back,I have NEVER had anything in my genitals ever,does this mean because HSV2 is classed as an STD I have to tell anyone I may have a physical relationship that "hey I have to warn you I get a little rash on my back every once in a while and it's called Genital Herpes even though I don't actually HAVE genital anything!! it's all nuts to me .....I don't get it ...WHY isn't mine called Lower Back Herpes ???? and what the hell has a small rash on my back once in a while got to do with anyone but ME ..... how can I be putting anyone at risk sexually??? when I DON'T have it and never have had the rash anywhere NEAR my genitals !!!...when I DO have the rash I am particularly fastidious I keep it covered I have a different set of towels I use during that time I wash my hands a million times a day and also use Alcohol Gel on my hands,I really don't see how I my HSV2 can hold the same risks as actually having the rash within the genitals ..... I work in a hospital and have been told i am not putting anyone at risk so long as it's covered and not exposed to anyone and I make sure i don't touch the rash at any time...... My head is bursting with conflicting horror stories of this alleged STD which I did NOT get sexually.... well NOT according to my Doctor or Health Advisors...so who am I supposed to believe in all this and why would I need to tell ANYONE about it at all since my genitals are perfectly clear and always have been????????????

Seems to me once we contract this virus we should get the damn bell ringer out to our house to ring the bell and alert everyone "diseased,diseased" .....

I have yet to read anything but horror stories on this subject!! if it's THAT bad then how come I've reached middle age without any knowledge of it until now yet I've known about all other STD's all my adult life.....something just ain't addin up!!.....

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You have herpes simplex 2 (was it tested as such?? Did your doctor do a swab test or blood test to determine this?) and yes, is IS an STD. It is unfortunate that you contracted it in such a manner but it IS an STD.

There are many athletes now contracting what is called Herpes Gladitorum (sp?) basically, these guys rub up against each other and pass herpes onto each other. It can also show up anywhere on the body. A whole team in a San Diego California high school have contracted this stuff (it was on the news) and now they have a life long STD. Just because they didn't contract it from sex doesn't mean they SHOULDN'T tell potental partners. Just because you do not contract it sexually, doesn't mean that somebody else can not contract it sexually from you.

Yes, it sucks, but I will say again, it is up to US to be responsible and tell our partners of our status.

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If you have it, you have an obligation to be honest about it.


I am more than a little sensitive to this because i wasn't given a chance. I've been rebuffed numerous times since then but that hasn't changed one fact. I do not have the right to become intimate with someone without informing them.

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perhaps we should reword STD from "SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE" to "SOCIALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE." Because you CAN catch other ways rather than through sexual contact (albeit rare, it can and does happen.) Like Lice, scabies and even crabs.

BUT unlike lice scabies and crabs, this is a lifelong virus and it is up to us who have it to tell those who may not. I don't care how in the hell we contracted it, WE must be the adults in the situation and tell!

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I don't buy for a minute, that you who are here arguing "to tell" or "not tell", really believe your own argument. It sounds like you are trying to convince yourselves, and hope to be validated by others here.

maxwell...It's a huge drag that you don't have the luxury of spontinatiety with a first kiss. But that doesn't mean that you won't or can't have a magical first kiss. If you want to live with integrity and have meaningful relationships in your life you must find a way to disclose this to a potential partner/lover. I don't believe for a second that you would feel ok about yourself if you passed hsv to someone without their first being aware of it, and accepting the risk themselves. How would you expect someone to ever trust you when they found out you knowingly exposed them to a life long virus without letting them make the final decission?

And sweetandsour, as ouch stated you have an STD, regardless of how you contracted it. That's what it is. You know it's contagious, even if it's not on your genitals. The fact that it isn't on your genitals will lower your chances of passing it through sex..missionary style. But what about spooning or other positions? It's likely that at some point in a physical relationship your partner will have skin contact with your lower back which makes them vulnerable to contracting hsv from you. You clearly know how contagious it is by your own admission to towel changing and hand washing.

There's no way around the fact, You must disclose a life long contagious virus, before putting someone else at risk. The End!

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I think you have missed my point I am not suggesting it is NOT an STD I said it is not always passed sexually which I see you have picked up on BUT if the HSV2 is not and has NEVER been in the genitals Can you PLEASE then tell me HOW I can pass this on sexually when I DON'T have Genital Herpes I had a very small HSV2 rash on my lower BACK .... are you saying that even though it is on my back my Gentials are also infected because this is totally contradictory to what I have been told both by my Doctor AND Health Advisors at the GU Clinic ??????? ....... I was told the HSV2 has to be present in the genitals for it to be passed via sex,I agree I could pass it to someones genitals IF their genitals came in contact with my back during an outbreak,but where does MY ability to pass it sexually come into this equasion ????? .....

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GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ARRRRRRGH!!! God I want to pull my fuckin hair out along with that of all this misinformed fucking so-called health care providers!!! Because THEY are MISINFORMING ALL OF YOU!!!!

Just because hsv2 is on your back, doesn't mean you CAN NOT TRANSMIT IT TO ANOTHER SOUL WHEN IT IS NOT PRESENT!!! While chances are slim , you could potentially be SHEDDING the virus in that region thus....during this stage pass it on to another human being. Again, while this is rare and herpes would rather be PRESENT with lovely sores to rub up against another person and spread THAT WAY...read this website and at how many people show little to NO symptoms yet their partners contract it from them!!!!!!!!!

I think YOU are missing the point sweetandsour...Shayna was quite succinct in what she posted, she is not saying that you contracted herpes via genital to genital contact...she is saying that you have unfortunately contracted a SOCIAL DISEASE and MUST TELL intimate partners that you DO have this. What is on YOUR back might somehow end up on THEIR genitals, their stomach their hands, whatever. ALL IT TAKES IS SKIN to SKIN CONTACT. I totally understand your anger and frustration with contracting this virus in such a seemingly harmless fashion, but have it you do, so you have to be honest with yourself and your partners.

So please, stop arguing semantics here everybody, and read all the great information which is right here on your website. I tells of all different types of herpes here, oral/genital....ocular, herpes whitlow, herpes gladitorum (sp?). I strongly suggest people new here read up on all this. Being informed gives us power to deal with and fight this virus.

It never ceases to amaze me what BUFFOONS we have in the medical industry. It is not a national thing but a Global thing.

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This is going to be an very interesting one from the looks of it. has any one called to tothefuure in yet? Whaoah I am just screaming, i'm in stitches. Having herpes is a hoot.

Sorry didn't mean to make light of thois obviously serious discussion.

To tell or not to tell. Anymore participants? I'll come in with my two cents worth in a bit. Got to read some more.


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Ok now that I've read it all, here's my take.

The argument to tell or not to tell should be reserved for those mature individuals who have taken the responsibility to free themselves of outbreaks. And have succeeded.

The catch - any such individuals who has successfully accomplished that would have to (1)promise never to fall back into bad eating habits which can undermine their health and cause a reappearance of that virus which can then be transmtted. (2) must take the oath to never get stressed, or fussed, or irritated Never be sad. In short never do anything which could possibly bring on an outbreak through an emotional response.

We are all human and at one point we shall fail. I am outbreak free but I can't promise always to be. I can watch my diet but when my soon to be ex starts pissing me off and I fucking hell don't feel like taking a deep breath I put myself in the situation to be vulnerable to an outbreak. Then I need an understanding man at my side. One who knows of my status. One who'll understand that I may fail and I may infect him and therefore he has to know and be willing to accept that risk. Now that's love. (For those who don’t know, I’ve found him.)

Telling is hard. Save anal sex I can't think of anything more gut ripping. The later has a purpose. The former should be considered a criminal offence.

Any way telling is hard. I wish to God I had a clean slate. I wish ... I wish I was the person I am now at thirty one whom I was at twenty three. I wish I could find a way to justify it in myself. A one night stand. A weekend romance. An off and on poke in the dark over four months. I try to put myself back in my shoes then and I ask myself why?

Why? Because I was young and green and hadn't yet given to pondering the value of life. Mine and that of others. It may well be that I didn't transmit the virus and the chances were slim as we had protected sex when I was not having an outbreak. And indeed it is true that all parties have the responsibility for their own deeds. But what was missing there was the lack of value for another human being. A lack of value for self.

No meaningful relationship can progress in the absence of total honesty. And I'm sorry you're young and you're being forced to be mature but that's how it happens. That's the meaning behind the Adam and Eve story. No the apple wasn't the herpes virus. The fruit of knowledge - that's what you've been given and now you realise that you're naked. Starkers really and you'd rather just hand it back and remain like a child in blissful ignorance.

Well I can extend a warm welcome to you because you've just entered the door of AWARENESS. You can choose one of two options. One Pretend to yourself its nothing. Try to ignore the debate insode of you. But you can't really do this honestly. The mere fact you've come here and debating this proves you're not at ease. There is no contention in a state of joy. You need not bounce it off others for their take Because you just feel deep inside it's right. You're not there. TWO, you can move forward. The harder option but the better one. You see, if you choose option one you still have to come back later to face the music but perhaps then with some regrets. Perhaps infecting a nice young girl whom you care about, having her turn round and tell you piss off you selfish bastard. And watch this lovely lady with whom you could have shared some wonderful experience sli right out of your fingers because you didn’t have the balls.

You see, if I had not had those meaningless relationships where I didn't disclose my status and used that time instead to really ponder. Work on myself. Value myself despite this 'handicap' (which it how I saw it then) when my husband came calling soon afterwards and I told him I had herpes and he said "hey sweetie I am willing to take a chance on you" I would have been centred enough in myself enough to say to hey baby I don't think I want to take a chance on you , I wouldn't have wasted seven fucking years of my effing life. Instead during the period when I was meant to be working on myself, coming to terms with the virus I was ignoring the life lessons which it could have taught me. And when the test came I failed miserably and ended up in an unhappy marriage.

You've been warned. Take the bumpier path, it invariable proves easier in the long run.


Ps are you a law student by any chance. We need a new breed of lawyers with integrity.

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