My experience in telling

[Guest Anonymous]

Just wanted to share my experience since it was such a big deal for me. I met a man and we have been friendly for several months. We've talked a lot about sex but I never took it to the next level thinking it would never go there due to my having Herpes. Well, it got to that level and I knew I had to tell if I wanted to be with the man. I thought of walking away for fear of what he would think, I thought what it would be like not telling and realized that would be horrible and shameful... same way I got it! So long story short, I told him one afternoon while we were instant messaging since I was too scared to tell him to his face. I sat there crying as I typed it to him, worked my way into saying I had something to say, and finally just blurted it out right there on the screen. And his response.... "don't sweat the small stuff". I was shocked, to say the least. He said he cared enough about me that something like Herpes was workable. He thought by the way I was talking that I was a murderer or something... but it often feels that big. So my story was that as difficult as it is telling your partner... you have to do it and many times, you find a partner who is willing to overlook and work with the "small" stuff.

[Faith]

Good story. <smile>

I've got tears in my eyes somehow.. just reminded me of the time I told someone..

See? People are good, right?... they show their goodness and compassion when they need to....

And by doing the right thing, you'll never betray yourself.

Faith

[Sweety]

The few people that I have told have just been random people that i have dated and been intimate with.

I always took the weak role, said while I was crying etcc...

They always thought I was going to tell them I had aids, or something scarrier.

It does seem worse to me than those I HAVE told. But, I don't want to get too confident, because the ones I have told, I never loved so there was nothing at risk...

[MC37 Pilot]

They always thought I was going to tell them I had aids, or something scarrier.

My best telling experiences were like that...

Once a girl gave me a hug and said "oh my god I'd NEVER stop seeing you because of that"

Another said "I thought it was going to be something bad like you were dying or something"

The worst... I was on a weekend trip with a girl... Told her Sunday morning laying on the bed at the hotel.. We'd known each other for 3 weeks maybe... The sex issue had NOT come up, BUT she was trying to find 'something' wrong with me. (she kept saying I was too good to be true, which just made my heart turn over cause I knew I was hiding the secret) Finally she just joked "you don't have a disease or anything do you" I was TOTALLY UNPREPARED for that, and at first I said no... then 2 minutes later I asked her to sit down and said "yes I do" She didn't say a word.. jumped off the bed and didn't talk to me the rest of the day....

Drove home in COMPLETE silence most of the way... She kept saying she didn't want to talk about it... About 10 minutes from home she finally started asking a few questions, but when I dropped her off she said "I have to think about this"

Maybe 2 days later she called and said she still wanted to see me. Longest 2 days of my life... Only time in my life I SERIOUSLY considered suicide. The worst part was she was the 1st girl I had to tell.

I got HSV while I was dating someone, and when I ended that relationship I had this NAIVE view that it wouldn't matter, someone would love me for me etc... Then the first girl I told had the above reaction and I was like MAN... maybe I WON'T find someone who will look past 'it'.

That's when I felt most helpless.. But luckily after those 2 LONG days she called, and I had hope that I could still have someone love me in spite of 'it'.

Thankfully that 1st one was the WORST one. After that, most reactions were VERY pleasant.

[Sweety]

"you don't have a disease or anything do you"

::cringe::

I am so afraid to hear that...

On another note, how do you deal with friends you haven't told talking crap about people with Herpes....

I just sit and listen while my ego shrinks...

[MC37 Pilot]

On another note, how do you deal with friends you haven't told talking crap about people with Herpes....

I just sit and listen while my ego shrinks...

99.9% of people I know... know...

So that usually doesn't happen...

But when it does... I laugh, and make a sarcastic joke like "yeah, people with herpes are NASTY... look at me"

And they are like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I tell them too...

People REALLY respect you for being honest about something SO personal.

[Lasmom]

MC37 Pilot wrote:

Maybe 2 days later she called and said she still wanted to see me. Longest 2 days of my life... Only time in my life I SERIOUSLY considered suicide. The worst part was she was the 1st girl I had to tell.

The FIRST guy I told I was sleeping with before I found out that I may have it. It was horrible, but we went through testing together. I have it, he didn't. But we were together another 9 months after.

When that ended, the next guy wasn't so good about it. Thanked me for being so strong and honest, made plans with me after saying "we'll go out again, and see", then stood me up cold, and I haven't heard from him since. That was September. Iwish it had only been 2 days and he was man enough to tell me he couldn't deal. Now I'm petrified of dating. It's bad enough telling people I'm a divorced single mom, then I have to drop a second bomb.

As for suicide, been there too. Horrible what fear and loneliness can do to a person. I've decided to focus on being a great Mom, and opefully the rest will come. But I will not be affraid to talk about it again.

[MC37 Pilot]

I have to run to a client meeting, but I want to respond to this so don't let it drop off.

[Faith]

I've decided to focus on being a great Mom' date=' and opefully the rest will come. But I will not be affraid to talk about it again.[/quote']

I truly believe that's the way, too.

I kind of feel sorry for people like the september guy (ok, that's his nickname from now ) who couldn't tell you how he honestly felt face to face, and just disappear.. They are the ones who have to live with the guilt feeling for the rest of their lives .. I think that's horrible, cuz no matter how far they try to move on, their guilt feeling will drag them down.

Meanwhile, if you keep being honest and strong like you are, when the happiness comes, the happiness is 100% yours. And chances WILL come. Don't you think that people are attracted to someone who make them feel happy just by being with him/her. At least I can tell that you have the comforting (and delightful) energy, girl!!

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

When that ended, the next guy wasn't so good about it. Thanked me for being so strong and honest, made plans with me after saying "we'll go out again, and see", then stood me up cold, and I haven't heard from him since. That was September. Iwish it had only been 2 days and he was man enough to tell me he couldn't deal. Now I'm petrified of dating. It's bad enough telling people I'm a divorced single mom, then I have to drop a second bomb.

That sucks... I sometimes think back and wonder how much more difficult it would have been to deal with having HSV if that first 'telling' experience had turned into rejection... I'm sure eventually I would have gotten the courage to try again maybe....

But all I can say is don't lose hope. There are tons of people who will accept it... people that won't are TRULY the exeption.

Focus on being the person you want to be.

Don't let a sexual inconvenience define your value as a potential partner for someone.

Anyone who walks away from you because of a sexual inconvenience is doing you a favor in demonstrating to you what matters to them.

For me, I had to take a hard look in the mirror and ask who I REALLY was.

I'm a bodybuilder, and I had always used physical appearance as my tool to meet girls... even after I got HSV for the first couple years..

But then... Having hsv made me focus on other things... Mostly being an honest and caring UNSELFISH person.

I think honest unselfish people are pretty rare. When you meet someone honest and unselfish they stick out like a GEM.

I can agree that having HSV and being a divorced single mom might put you behind the 8 ball a bit when it comes to dating..

But recognize the things you can control, and the things you cant. You are a single mom, you do have HSV... Can't do anything about either...

But having HSV does NOT affect your ability to love. Not a bit.

Maybe it gives you the opportunity to FOCUS on it. Not just with your kids, but with everyone you know. Your friends... People you meet.

And while we all have little things that put us behind the 8 ball in terms of our 'marketability' as a potential mate for someone... Nothing would put you head and shoulders above the rest of the world like becoming a more loving person.

Loving people are like warm blankets... People are just DRAWN to them. People WANT to be with loving people... Friends, significant others.. everyone does...

[Faith]

For me' date=' I had to take a hard look in the mirror and ask who I REALLY was.[/quote']

Yup...

Having herpes gives us the great opportunity to do that.

And ..if we take it as a big chance to grow as a person or take it as a curse... It's really up to us....

Faith

[Lasmom]

Thanks guys... I'm glad to have "friends" like you. AND for you MC37 my initials are MC and 37 is my lucky number - very scary you are! - but I know what you mean about personal appearance. As some of you know I ventured on to a dating site for we "gifted" people - I have been very apprehensive about putting my picture online. As if they'll only be interested in my appearance - even though they already know I have HSV. So, I think you helped me realize why. I want someone to be interested in ME first. My appearance or sexuality later. It's worked so far...

Thanks again. You guys are true friends.

[Lasmom]

PS - the funny thing is - the first guy - the one who "doesn't have it" can't allow me to not be in his life - "needs a person like me" in his life. Now having second thoughts about our relationship. Funny - you really don't know until it's gone.... I know I'm a good person. Just hurts when you aren't allowed the opportunity to shine.

[Faith]

Thanks again. You guys are true friends.

I thank you, too!!!!!

Faith

[MC37 Pilot]

AND for you MC37 my initials are MC and 37 is my lucky number - very scary you are!

lol...

Funny how those strange coincidences pop up...

Just hurts when you aren't allowed the opportunity to shine.

Some people won't let you... That's their problem. A good warning sign too.