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DanaS

Newly Diagnosed and Dealing!

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DanaS

Well, I am a 24 year old woman who has been recently diagnosed with Herpes (1). A few years ago, I decided to practice abstinence. And I managed to successfully follow this path for the last 3 ½ years with no problem at all in perfect health. I recently moved in with a guy that I just started seeing. In May, we started having sex, unprotected. We talked about STD’s and he insisted that he had nothing. To my own knowledge, I have been perfectly healthy until now.

On June 14th my vagina felt a bit irritated, I though it was just soreness from being oversexed. My partner and I had sex like 5 times a day. Then I saw sores, lesions, and the irritation grew worse and I began to panic. I could not get an immediate appointment with my Gyn so I went to a STD Clinic, which are free in NYC and you get immediate care. When the Doctor looked at my vagina she immediately said, “You Have Herpes.” She took swabs, cultures, etc. I was in a bit of denial, I think to an extent I still am. She also gave me a 10-day supply of Acyclovir. I immediately thought, “Oh My Fucking God, I hope I didn’t give whatever I had to “My Partner”” I had to go to work that day, I didn’t show up, I did not even call. I went home and I told him and he started acting weird (I thought, fuck he thinks I am whore) He was concerned and insisted that we both should get checked out, since I had no official lab confirmed results I agreed and thought maybe that doctor was WRONG. My lymph nodes in the groin area were swollen. I had painful sores, lesions and bumps on my vulva. I had a fever and I felt fatigued and I was convinced that the doctor was wrong. I still took the acyclovir, just in case. I also had a full STD screening/HIV test while I was there. These all came back negative, except for 1. This was on a Wednesday. The next few days, I still did not go to work. My partner was very supportive. He rubbed my back, helped my take a shower. I could not urinate without taking a shower because it hurt so much. I could not eat and to be completely honest, I used a bit of marijuana to help with the pain. I needed that badly.

Even though the virus affects this one area on my body, I felt absolutely crippled. I think perhaps a lot of it was mental as well. Well, the worst came on the Friday when my partner told me, at 1 pm, that his last girlfriend, who he also had unprotected sex with, had Herpes. He knew she had Herpes (she told him) and he still had unprotected sex with her (and had not been checked out after her in May) and He never though this was important information to share with me until now (then). He said, “I never had sex with her when she had an outbreak.” Hadn’t he seen a Valtrex commercial? I freaked out, no that is an understatement, I went crazy. I attacked him, literally, jumped on him and started punching him and kicking him and ran to the kitchen pulled a knife and I tried to stab him. I really did. Then I tried to kill myself, I wanted to die. For the first time in my life, I actually put a blade to my wrists and pressed down hard till I saw blood and the my partner ran over and took it away from me. I screamed, and hollered for hours. A neighbor came up and my partner called my sister over. I was screaming because I was dying inside. By far, that was probably one of the worse moments in my life. I was convinced that I did not have Herpes because I knew I did not have it and my partner did not, until now. I knew at that I had Herpes and he gave it to me (even though I still have no proof). I cried constantly for the next days. I cried for minutes on end. Every hour I was crying. My partner laid down with me and held me when I cried. He cried too at times. On Sunday, he told me he was sorry and that he would spend his entire life trying to make this up to me. I felt disgusted. We are still together. This entire thing lasted about 3 weeks and then I felt somewhat better. Not really. Just in a bit of denial again.

He went to the clinic and he has not had any signs or symptoms of the virus. His samples were negative for Herpes. He has not had a blood test yet…so the saga continues. We are still unsure of how to proceed as far as his status is concerned.

I could have had Herpes for the last 4 years and not know it. I don’t believe that, but how else could I have gotten it. Why has my partner not have any signs, symptoms or an outbreak? Why? He had to be the one who gave it to me.

This past week, I went to the clinic for the results from my samples/cultures. They were ready in June, but I was not ready to face it until now. I think I am at the “Acceptance” stage. The doctor told me that my test came back positive for Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1, that’s me! I was like; “Okay” and I wrote it down.

I knew about Herpes, I used to be a sex-ed councilor in High School for Pete’s sake. I knew better, these sort of things aren’t supposed to happen to people like me. I am smart, attractive, educated and have so much going for me. Who is going to want me now? I am damaged goods. I have no children, but one day I may want some. What the fuck am I going to do? What will I do when I am 85 and I get an outbreak? This is not the kind of life that I want. I am absolutely devastated. I wish I could trade in my body for a healthy model. I whish I could go back in time and change things. I think people with Herpes are disgusting whores. My doctor says, put this in perspective, “this is not the end of the world, think of it like this, you just have a cold sore on your bottom.” I am constantly paranoid and my vagina has not felt the same way since. When will my next outbreak strike? Right now, I am not on any sort of therapy.

I still have unprotected sex with my partner and a part of me resents him, but I honeslty feel, who else will want me now? I hate myself for this.

I cannot tell my parents, I would be so ashamed if they found out.:sad:

**Sorry it is long; I have a lot to say.

I am dealing with it.

I have Herpes.

--D

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BoxofRain

break up with him........he was careless, irresponsible with his own health and now yours. He is an ass and it sounds like he may have known there was a chance he could have got it, but denied that to himself saying "well, I havent ever had any symptoms so Im not going to tested, im sure im fine" all the while knowing he might have it. Over 50% of all people who have it genitally have no visible symptoms ever.........they are assymptomaitc carriers and shed the virus at times they are not aware of. Honestly, a ton of people who have it without symptoms have no clue truly and have no idea how they might have been exposed, however, your guy KNEW he had unprotected sex with his ex WHO HAD HERPES and so he knew he put himself at risk and now you as a result of not taking responsiblity for himself and getting checked out. Most cases of herpes are spread when NO active symptoms are present on the person who has it so theres a huge wake up call for him. I am so sorry this happened to you but I think you'll be surprised to find that 80% of people who have herpes are not in fact "dirty whores" as you wrote above............they are people JUST LIKE YOU who got unlucky. The people on this message board for example are all in situations very similar to yours and feel they were the innocent victims as well, the people who this shouldn't have happened to..........but guess what? It did and none of us deserved it. I am 24 now and got this when I was 22 while in a monogamous relationship for almost 3 years when I randomly got symptoms of a rash down below and had no clue what it was.......I was deathly ill for a full week, full fever, swollen lymphs, horrible experience, felt like I was dying. No blisters, lesions.....just a painful light red rash all over my vagina and butt crack. My partner had NEVER had a symptom and we had had sex for 3 years daily up to that point and he never had a thing. He'd only had 2 other girlfriends........both long term before me and neither of them had ever had any symptoms or reason to think they had it and to this day have no got symptoms. Turns out he did have it and had no clue he had it and gave it to me when he had NO symptoms. I felt like you did, and sometimes still feel that way. Like it was so fucking unfair, why me, I was a good person, kind, caring, smart, attractive, 22 for godsake!! my whole life just beginning, had 2 boyfriends....both long term (one for 3 1/2 years and then my current one who I got this from) life seemed so unfair but as the time has went on I have seeked alternative medicine and homeopathy to help me with this and only in the past 2 months have I had luck with anything. I take a homeopathic remedy for my depression and anxiety about having this and it is the only thing that has made me not want to die. I have had this light red rash on my pubic hair region for almost 2 full years, my doctors are baffled, but it is definitely herpes......just manifesting itself in a slightly different way and my immune system is so compromised after getting the virus so now I have been taking immune builders fr 3 months almost, taking my remedy to help with the mental, and just trying to go on. I finally can say I have accepted having this but it took the past 2 miserable, depressing years of existence to finally be at my whits end where I wanted to die a few months ago in all truth and I am so thankful that I found naturopathy and a good practitioner who is the only doctor who has ever given me any help, compassion, and hope in regards to my neve ending condition. So dont give up hope, easier said than done. But i was just like you and every feeling you are feeling EVERYONE on this board, and anyone who has ever been diagnosed has felt exactly the same so you are not alone. The thing to remember also, is that while it is unfair this happened to you, its unfair to all of us in similar situations. The stigma about herpes is what has perpetuated the shame, guilt, and horrow people who have this go through because the picture of herpes is "only whores get it, dirty people who sleep around" and that simply IS NOT TRUE!!! More non promiscuous people end up with it and people need to get educated about it. Its a sad reality but its true. Theres people on here who are much younger than you and I and got this the FIRST time they had sex of any kind.....or have never had vaginal sex yet and have gotten it the first time they had oral sex. Theres so many people on here alone, nevermind out in the world who got it the same way as me and you, in monogamous relationships with people who truly had no symptoms, or did not know so dont feel alone.

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DanaS

My Story

I didn't mean to offend anyone with the dirty whore comment. I feel like a dirty whore, mostly dirty. I had unprotected sex, it could have been avoided. I should know better and I primarily blame myself for this. Please do not take offense to my rants.

I am coping and I do thank you for your response.

My partner went to the STD clinic and was screened( combination of exams, samples, blood test), they told him he was negative for Herpes, (no blood test for Herpes at clinic). I believe that a blood test would be the best way to determine if he has the virus, which I believe he does.

To be completely honest, I know I should break up with him, but I am afraid. I know it sounds pathetic, but this is still all very new to me.:(

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bluefrog

i am sure every single one of here things :coulda, woulda, shoulda.......so be it; we can think that all we want, it is not going to change anything. I have beat myself up over this, as it sounds like you are doing. All we can do is accept and move on and most importanly, take are of our bodies and minds.

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Support1

To DanaS,

You did not offend me because I can understand how you are feeling. I felt dirt as well. Don't feel pathetic about trying to break up with your boyfriend, but I do feel that it is something that you need to do. My situation is sort of similar to yours. It took me a while to break up with my boyfriend. He was and still is in total denial. I truly believe that he was aware that he had been exposed to this virus, but because of his denial, he acted as if it was not big deal. I do not have proof of this because some people say maybe he did not know, but for some strange reason, I really believe that he was aware of something and I will stand by what I believe. When I told him about it, he initially said that he did not have anything because he did not have symptoms. Once I told him that you could have it and not have symptoms, he still said he did not have it. I told him to get a blood test and he said that he had gotten one, but when I asked him about the type of test he had taken, he couldn't even tell me. At first he said a culture, then he said a blood test, but he told me that he did not have symptoms, so I immediately knew that he couldn't have gotten a culture because there were no bumps, sores, or lesions to culture. Later he told me that he had gotten bloodworm done, but when I told him about getting tested, he did not say to me that he had gotten it done already, he said that he would get tested when he makes an appointment. He kept telling me that he had to go to his doctor, but I told him that it would be better if he went to a STD facility, but he told me that he was going to one of those. He was being such an ass about it and that is when I decided that I could no longer be someone who was a liar and a deceitful individual. It has been so hard for me because of how I contracted it. I have always been proactive regarding being tested for STD's and my health and to contract it this way when someone could not even be honest with me is very heartbreaking. To this day, he has not gotten tested and I honestly believe that he is not going to get tested. He is probably going to move on to the next female and have sex with her and she is going to develop the same symptoms and he is going to tell her the same thing that he has told me. I am sorry that it was so long, but I felt that you needed to hear my situation. Please try and stay as positive as possible!:)

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MsLucy

Anyone mind if I play devil's advocate here? Dana, I've read your post 3 times, and it sounds to me that, although your boyfriend knew he had been with someone who had herpes, he believed that since he had no symptoms, he couldn't have it. That's ignorance, not negligence. There's a difference.

It's unfortunate that so many people believe that fallacy, but it's rampant among people uneducated in the facts of STD's, which in part, explains the rapid spread of herpes.

It sounds to me as if he cares about you and he's trying to make things right to the extent that he can. The damage is done and he can't take it back, and maybe you can't forgive him, but if you're going to kick him to the curb, do it for the right reasons. You don't punish someone for being ignorant, you educate them.

Before you go off the deep end, give yourself a chance to calm down and think things through rationally. Trust me, this manic state will pass, and you'll be better equipped emotionally to deal with making important decisions. For now, concentrate on taking care of yourself and trying to re-establish your emotional equilibrium. It gets easier. I promise.

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Support1

Good point Writercll. When I think about my ex-boyfriend, it wasn't the mis-education that helped me to realize that he wasn't worth it; it was the continuous mis-education and the lack of wanting to accept this virus. He had no intentions on getting tested and he will move on to someone else and give it to them. I just do not see how someone can be in that much denial after all the facts have been laid out before them. So, in Dana's case, she should take time to think about this and not make any irrational decisions, but if her boyfriend is anything like mind was, then she should let it go.

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ouch

It sounds to me that this outbreak you had is your first and primary outbreak. You can even have a bloodtest to show whether or not your have antibodies in your system. If you do not, then you have 100% proof right there he gave it to you. And if he DOES have it in his system...(antibodies) well, then you have your answer. B

Many will tell you on here...oh, you could have had this for years and just NOW had symptoms, blah blah blah. You know what, I call bullshit on this train of thought. Sometimes, one plus one really does equal two. I think asymptomatic people are the rarity and NOT the norm. I am not saying this doesn't exist (being asymptomatic) but I DO believe there are alot of folks out there living in denial about what is going on with their genitals and it takes something like a severe outbreak or an outbreak in their sexual partners to wake them up out of their stupor.

But I digress....

I would be 99.9% certain this guy gave your herpes. When you two had your little "sex talk" he should have mentioned that he had unprotected sex with a person who was hsv positive. The fact he didn't makes me think that MAYBE he had some concerns about his own status.

in his defense, maybe he felt, well, hey , I don't have symptoms, so I am STD FREE!! WHOO WHOO!!! That would then be supreme IGNORANCE on his part and he better get his ass some books to read.

Also, not to add fuel to the fire, but I would say have some HIV testing done as well. I am sure you are fine, but it can't hurt.

Please do not hurt yourself anymore. ALthough I know initially you were infuriated with him (can't fault ya for beating his ass...hell, I would have...hell, I DID when I find out....I can't even lie!) But HE nor HERPES are worth your own beautiful life. I know it is SO hard right now, and I know the bevy of emotions coursing through you right now, but please, you will be ok. You are not bad nor dirty nor a whore. I know you were just venting about that and take no offense to it. Time will help you heal and work through this. Please take care of yourself by eating well, taking some lovely vitamins, and staying strong mentally and physically.

I don't know what to tell you about him....go with yoru gut instinct...if you feel he truly made a dumb ass mistake, and didn't know he had this, perhaps you can work things out with him. If he seems truly sad and contrite, then maybe he really didn't know.

If you feel that he was being sneaky and maliciously gave you herpes via not disclosing, then kick his ass to the curb and don't look back. But definitely go with your gut instinct and use your best judgement.

I wish you the very best, and know we are all hear to lend an "ear" (or eyes!) should you need us!!!!!

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DanaS

Thank You

Thanks guys for your thoughts and consideration.

I am not going to kill myself, it was just in that manic state I felt the urge to do so.

I have a strong feeling that I got it from him. I have no proof and I don't know if its too late to test for anti-bodies. I believe he did not know that you could contract the virus when an outbreak is not occuring, but that is what pisses me off the most. How could you not know that? I thought everyone knew that. I trusted this person with my life. I am paying for his ignorance.

I have been very careful until now about these sort of things. I am not as educated on the virus as I would like to be and I know I have to change my life. My bf waited until 4 days into my outbreak to inform me of his ex. I sort of resent him a great deal for this. It complicated but I still care about him too.

bluefrog,

I am beating myself up a great deal and I am trying to fully accept it, this is how my life will be from now on.

ouch,

It did feel really good to hit him. I did have an HIV test at the same time, It was negative.

You all made really good points that allowed me to view my entire ordeal differently and made me think about other factors as well. I am truly glad that I came across the web site. Thank you for your fedback.

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ouch

I am glad you are doing better. I hope only the best for you. Take care of yourself!

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awake67

Your New Life!

Hi DanaS,

Have you considered that you will live a normal happy LoViNg life? Have you thought about how your life may change now that you are conscious about having herpes and possibly spreading this virus to someone else and changing their life?

Yes, there is something positive that happened here that I can see. My point of view is that herpes allows one to reconsider being a sex maniac; allowing one to experience a relationship with someone who is respectful to oneself and their partner.

Before you knew you had herpes, did you look forward to having sex five times a day even when you were hurting inside? Where you having sex for your partner, or yourself? Did your partner pour any other affection on to you other than sexual - touching you?

Having herpes now, you may want to consider being more picky with the prospective lover you want to be with. You will be looking for one who is a lot more mature and respectful than the one you are currently with. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that after you would have weeded out the "creeps who only want sex," you will find a decent prospect who will Love You for who you Are. It is this decent person who will teach you how you should have been loved all along.

It doesn't have to be the man who opens the door for you, or the kind person who sends flowers and chocolates. Someone who is "down-to-earth" with nothing to hide, pleasant to be with, friendly, trusting, respectful and honest...a fairy tale relationship is not just for fairy tales. You too deserve to be with the best of the best. You are a loving person, in spite of this upset, you need to believe that there is a reason for everything. Be strong and have Faith. Pray for strength, patience and most of all self-love and forgiveness. It is very important to forgive and let go. You may be able to point out the selfishness in a person, but that doesn't exactly change them. A person needs to have the will to better themself.

Love yourself, Love yourself, Love yourself. This is not in any textbook and people need the lesson on Love for Oneself..."I am special" "I am beautiful" "I am strong and will overcome this herpe thing."

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quietpendulum
I knew better, these sort of things aren’t supposed to happen to people like me. I am smart, attractive, educated and have so much going for me. Who is going to want me now? I am damaged goods. I have no children, but one day I may want some. What the fuck am I going to do? What will I do when I am 85 and I get an outbreak? This is not the kind of life that I want. I am absolutely devastated. I wish I could trade in my body for a healthy model. I whish I could go back in time and change things. I think people with Herpes are disgusting whores. My doctor says, put this in perspective, “this is not the end of the world, think of it like this, you just have a cold sore on your bottom.” I am constantly paranoid and my vagina has not felt the same way since. When will my next outbreak strike? Right now, I am not on any sort of therapy.

I am dealing with it.

I have Herpes.

--D

You've pretty much taken the words out of my mouth. No matter how many times people say that "you're not alone in this", for me, I still swear that I'm just here...some sort of inhumane entity. At least you have your infected boyfriend. Shit. I have no one. I've taken my vow of celibacy because the thought of passing this awful perminent disease to someone else is too devastating. I'm trying to learn how to deal...

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SmilingThroughTheRain

This is going to sound negative, which i cant stand, but this is my point of view. When i first was diagnosed, I was obviously very upset. My goal in life was the same as everyone elses, get a career, find someone to settle down with, and have kids. This diagnosis forced me to re-evaluate all the goals i had set for myself in life. What helped me is i made a worse case scenario in my head. If i never find anyone to accept me, which i doubt, thats fine because I am an independent person who dosent need a man to get in the way ;). If i want to travel i can or if i want to stay out late i dont have to call home and let them know. i plan on surrounding myself with family and friends and going out and enjoying what life has to offer. i dont need a man for that. As for children, if i havent found anyone, thats what adoption and sperm banks are for :D

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quietpendulum
If i want to travel i can or if i want to stay out late i dont have to call home and let them know. i plan on surrounding myself with family and friends and going out and enjoying what life has to offer. i dont need a man for that. As for children, if i havent found anyone, thats what adoption and sperm banks are for :D

I love it. HERE HERE! Let me know where you're going and I'll meet you there. :D

We can adobt and work together as partners. Not that I'm lesbian or anything but like you said, you don't need a man for any of that...(not saying that it wouldn't be nice to have one, lol.)

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SmilingThroughTheRain
;) well I mean honestly I think the only thing that scares me is not having that companionship: which is why I have decided to by a dog soon :D hey you dont just need a man for cuddles and affection. Thats what friends and family are for too. Sorry guys. No disrespect. But its great to have the freedom to do what I want when I want. Hawii here I come ;)

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DanaS

Thanks

Thanks again for your comments and messages of support.

I am now on my second genital outbreak (September 30, 2007) and I had a cold sore a few weeks ago. I went to an Infectious Disease Specialist, who is now my PCP, had some major bloodwork done and I do have HSV 1 and I was recently infected, yes it is possible to find out, not the exact date by general, only if you have been recently infected. I have have proof.:(

I guess it has spread to the oral region, hence the cold sore, I have never had a cold sore in my life, until now.

I am still not on any treatment, like Valtrex, my doctors( I am seeing 3) says that I should wait to see how frequents outbreaks occur and the severity of it. I still feel horrible and it is still slightly surreal. I am still with the guy who I believed infected me and he still has not had any signs or symptoms:|

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Eresh

Having been recently diagnosed myself and in the middle of a very painful primary OB, I fully understand your shock and the effect it has had on your emotional wellbeing. As your comments reveal that you were under the same prejudiced impressions regarding herpes as most other people, I'm sure as you educate yourself properly and lose these misconceptions, you will be in a far better place to be able to deal with having herpes and everything will get better.

As someone educated in sexual health matters, you should have known better than to class all herpes sufferers as 'dirty whores'. Many, many people with HSV1 first develop cold sores when they are children due to contact with parents, siblings or friends. You should also have known that herpes is elusive, presenting with varied symptoms in varied people and that even doctors can and have misdiagnosed it. It doesn't even physically manifest in a large number of people and it can spread without people who know they have herpes having an OB. You should also have known that condoms are not always effective at stopping transmission as the virus is not confined to one area on the genitals.

So try and be a bit easier on yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. The less you turn on the yourself and the people around you, the easier a time you'll have of it.

There is a hell of a lot of ignorance about herpes because it's just such an elusive, difficult little bugger to stop. Given the numbers of people who have it, unless you abstain completely from sex or conduct all romantic or sexual touching through several layers of latex, it's probably quite difficult to avoid... Until regular STD testing becomes compulsory, exact numbers will never be known. Even then, for everyone to be honest to others we'd require sexual health data on every person to be easily accessible. That or have tattoos done. As it is, you take what precautions you can and hope for the best.

You got caught out. So did I. But the news isn't all bad. Herpes hurts but unlike many many other diseases, it won't kill you, it won't interfere with your fertility and won't harm your child unless you have a primary OB in the 3rd trimester. It won't impair your mental functioning. It's just embarrassing and painful. And it gets less severe as time goes on. By the time you're 85, you'll probably have far more serious things to worry about than a herpes OB. And if you get one... well by that time you'll be a dab hand at managing them, won't you?

As for punching, kicking or trying to stab your boyfriend, well that is unforgivable and with the knowledge that you should have had about herpes, an overreaction. Maybe you should cut out the marijuana use. He did not infect you deliberately, and it does appear that he has tried to help. Maybe you'll find he can ease the buden a bit if you let him in and stop the blame game.

Read up on it - read everything you can and destroy any remaining prejudices that you have regarding herpes. I guarantee that suddenly, you'll realise just how manageable, and relatively minor a condition this is. And from there on, life'll take a turn for the better. I'd much rather have had herpes happen to me than a hundred million other things.

Best wishes, and I hope this second OB isless severe than your first.

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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  • Posts

    • Roja
      Why is it your worst fear to have GHSV-1? 
    • Miss Horne
      Not sure if this has already been mentioned before, could we donate to his lab? Hsv specifically? 
    • Gems
      It can be very difficult to diagnose I do not know the lab discussed here but I have read about sexual health clinics that no longer use the blood tests for this reason of false negatives. Even swabs can be hard they were in my case.  I know I have it and never resorted to the biopsy.

      Do your own research and consult with GP's. I would assume you have this until its totally ruled out.  

      I read about a person on this site who tested neg on the IgG and pos on the weston blot.

      Please do your own research. 
    • Gems
      If it is an issue why not speak to admin about creating two separate threads...one for those looking at natural management and "supposed" natural cures and one looking at medical breakthroughs. That way both interests are served, no one is offended and people who wish to look at both can. No one is excluded and everyone included. Those who want to stay with the medical threads can. Maybe there will be less issues that way. 

      Personally I would prefer not to engage with those who are seeking vaccines and gene tech ect esp if they are nasty or condescending and prefer to support and encourage like minded without the excessive debates in a supported enviro.

      Just putting it out there.

      @Heatbroken Sydney

       
    • Gems
      do not panic. be more careful in future and work through the tests. you are better to assume you do and isolate a bit and watch the symptoms. it is hard to test for via blood, and swabs. weston blot is supposed to be most reliable and biopsy too although extreme. red lump that sort of crusted - well herpes symptoms vary widely. 

      it can be hard to deal with doctors as they can assume you do not have it if some test come back neg...they do not always take the attitude to look for it.

      do not panic and follow the steps and research.
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