Has anyone asked for the herp?

[lintrus]

Condoms/dental dams, boxers during sex, Valtrex, no sex during OBs etc...

Of course we all take these precautions to make sure that we don't pass it on to someone else, but to a certain extent, all of these create an obstacle between two people during the act of making love, or simply of loving one another (especially the boxers idea...a little too strange for me). Its almost as if, by doing such things, loving someone can never be performed in full. (I'm aware that I'm more or less equating the physical act with the emotion; nevertheless, I don't think its possible to completely separate the two)

Not that we should never take such precautions--that's not my point/question at all.

Say you're with someone with for a long period of time, and your relationship is about as serious as it can get. Has there been/do you think there should be a point at which you (if you're HSV-) or the other person (if you're HSV+) basically says, I'm tired of this, of taking all these precautions...I want you, all of you, even this disease...I love you too much to keep doing this because by doing it I don't feel like I'm getting all of you or giving all of myself to you...?

Similarly, does anyone else fantasize about such a situation?

...just something that's been on my mind.

[savanah]

I don't even know if I have this virus yet, but I think that if I truely loved someone I would eventually be willing to get this. Mind you, I would have to know for sure that this is the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with. He would have to remove any doubt from my mind that he wasn't the one. So far, my symptoms aren't that bad. I can function if it werent for the stigma of this. If I was with someone that had it too, there would be no stigma. Maybe you should try a herpes dating site. Then you wouldn't have to worry about any of the complications of telling or fear of the rejection because of "the herp". The rejection, if any, would be what all other rejections are based upon...attraction.

[bluefrog]

Condoms/dental dams, boxers during sex, Valtrex, no sex during OBs etc...

Of course we all take these precautions to make sure that we don't pass it on to someone else, but to a certain extent, all of these create an obstacle between two people during the act of making love, or simply of loving one another (especially the boxers idea...a little too strange for me). Its almost as if, by doing such things, loving someone can never be performed in full. (I'm aware that I'm more or less equating the physical act with the emotion; nevertheless, I don't think its possible to completely separate the two)

Not that we should never take such precautions--that's not my point/question at all.

Say you're with someone with for a long period of time, and your relationship is about as serious as it can get. Has there been/do you think there should be a point at which you (if you're HSV-) or the other person (if you're HSV+) basically says, I'm tired of this, of taking all these precautions...I want you, all of you, even this disease...I love you too much to keep doing this because by doing it I don't feel like I'm getting all of you or giving all of myself to you...?

Similarly, does anyone else fantasize about such a situation?

...just something that's been on my mind.

I am sure there are people who decide to use no protection at all. Actually, I recall reading some posts here where even uninfected partners do not use any protection. It is a personal decision between two people, plain and simple. Know the facts, make a decision, live with the consequences.

[tothefuture]

If and when I find a new partner, that's pretty much how it will be.

I won't take any medication. And condoms aren't going to protect anyone form getting this as my OBs are 'outside'.

Although I wouldn't have sex during an OB - that would just be stupid and in case it would be pretty grosse.

[lintrus]

I appreciate your comments, but this is more about the situation--should it ever present itself--in which the other person wants HSV just so they can be with you without having to worry about it anymore, the situation in which the virus only matters in as much as it doesn't matter anymore.

Granted I think this might be the reason some people don't tell others about their positive status, that is, in order to force such a thing into being. Yet, I'd be kidding myself if I swore that I didn't wish to meet someone who would eventually tell me "you know what, I'm tired of this--infect me."

Thoughts?

[Strong]

^^ my biggest fear of that is the willing eventually regreting it.

[gutted.]

me and my GF take no protection at all other then being vigilant for OBS - so far so good.

ive told her all the facts - she hasnt took this decision blindly.

infact it may aswell be that i dont have HSV - we are just as adventurous and full as any other couple.

[amplic]

Anyone asking for it is ignorant of repercussions.

So you're in a longterm relationship. Will it last forever? And what have you left that person with besides the great memories? An illness there is no cure for. Would you choose to get herpes for a romantic notion of closeness? I don't want to expose myself to shingles or warts. None of these illnesses are romantic. None improve your life. Yes, we all get tired of having to use protection. We want to be spontaneous and natural. But natural, in our cases, involves a contagious illness with no cure. It has no benefits. How can you want to pass that along.

[amplic]

Even if the person asks for it, lintrus.

Two people with herpes can give each other more outbreaks with unprotected sex. A weeping sore will cause an outbreak on someone with herpes who is not having one. Two people with herpes doesn't solve the problem.

[MsLucy]

I don't think the question is so much whether the uninfected one tries to get it, but they reach a point where they have the need to share the physical expression of their love with complete abandon, and with that, complete acceptance.

This is so weird, and I shouldn't even divulge this because you'll all think I'm crazy, but after I was diagnosed and the initial shock wore off, there was some part of me that was glad. Not because I had the virus, it's a pain, but because my partner and I are so close, and it was as if his herpes was the last barrier between us. Once I had it, that last wall that separated us was removed. Our physical relationship has always been intense and liberating, phyically, emotionally, and spiritually, but now even more so. When we make love, sometimes it feels as if I can't tell where he ends and I begin.

Neither life nor love come with guarantees. Everything is a risk, so the question becomes, how much are you willing risk in the name of love? How much are you willing to abandon, and how much are you willing to accept? It's a question we all have to answer to ourselves individually, and with commitment, because we may have to live with the consequences for a very long time, and regret can be a cold companion, indeed.

[lintrus]

writercll, I think you're the first person to completely understand what I could only ever try to say--you said it, and in a much better way than I could ever hope to do.

I'm so happy someone has been in this situation; it makes it much more than just a fantasy now.

I understand that it doesn't make sense to want such a thing, that it isn't logical for anyone, hsv + or -. But that's not the point (as if sex was logical anyway, as if the contradiction of the emotional attachment to and repulsion away from the person who infected you made any sense whatsoever).

I know you don't want this, but don't you want me? How much would you have to want me to want this too. When/can you want me that much?

[slinky83]

I am new to this forum and (somewhat) new to herpes--that is accepting that I have it: I may share my story in another thread, I haven't yet decided.

When I first told the person I recently ended things with that I had it, he needed some time to figure out whether or not he could handle that. I recall telling him that I felt really horrible because if the shoe were on the other foot, I don't know if I would have wanted to bother with the person. I think what I really meant is that if I were seeing someone new, I think finding out he had herpes would make me want to just walk away...unless I was in love with the person, but I, of course, cannot say any of this for sure because I do have it. *sigh*