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Wishing Well

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Wishing Well

Just realised how long this; sorry.

- If we don't push through the wall of fear, no good will come -

I was an active member on this site for a long time but turned my back on it when I was in a relationship. That relationship ended two years ago and I spent that time on the outside being happy and normal but dying on the inside in silecne, alone, as I came to terms with most importantly the loss of someone I loved and secondly the fear of starting again.

Six months ago I got a rude awakening of a family member becoming ill with cancer. It snapped me hard in the face with a dose of life. Its right in front of me and here I was denying myself at any real chance of happiness. I quickly realised I had developed walls so high around my personality it was impossible for anyone to get close to me. It was a watershed moment and I decided that it was time to snap out of this rut and start living again.

Firstly I got in the gym and lost 5kg. Secondly I got my friend in fashion to help me dress smart. I start using normal dating sites and meeting people in the work place, friends of friends like normal people. I had no fear and decided if it came to it I would need to bite the bullet and tell the person of my status, whats the harm in dating..you can work out the awkward stuff later.

I had more purpose now and I dismissed girls like anyone would who didn't click, or whatever. Before I knew it I met a beautiful girl from a friends work. I told myself all the lies in the book not to go for her, how I could never tell her, what if I told her and she hated me and told my friend. How could I turn up if she rejected me. The short of it is we ended up in a place where we started going on dates. I told myself I can swing a few dates and deal with the situation later, after all with all the excuses I had in my head this was never going to work anyway. She was beautiful; why would she want me when she could have anyone in the world, afterall!

The dates were perfect, we would met up again and again and spend hours and hours together. I could feel feelings for her developing but I wasn't sure how much of this was a one way street. My fear and insecurity was telling me to ignore all the signs that she was in to me and convince me that she wasn't. Even when we'd kiss and hug and hold hands I could still convince myself she wasn't ready. I needed to KNOW she really liked me before I could tell her anything. As our dates got better and better I felt the fear tightening around my neck like a noose. I knew I was running out of time as I had put it off for so long and we were getting more intense, it was coming. Then one night we were drunk and she goes 'why don't you try and put your penis in me?' - We were standing at a bar. I was taken a-back. I knew exactly why. But it dawned on me instantly. By keeping myself at distance I was not sending the right signals, she was getting confused and felt that I was either not sexually into her and doubted I found her attractive, or worse she thought I had no sexual confidence and wasn't worth sleeping with. I talked my way out of it and we ended up going home together, she wants to come over, I know its a bad idea but figure we won't have sex so I can enjoy her staying over with me and we can talk next time we met or in the morning. We walk in the door, hings heat up and before I know it I'm in a situation that any man only dreams of...shes basically naked and she tries to reach for my pants and I stop her. Following the conversation earlier that night she collapses in a hump. Why would someone she thought cares about her not have any fun with her. There must be something wrong. We're drunk and I can't hide. I new it could go bad but this was THE WORST outcome. So I tell her we need to have a grown up chat when we're sober. Shes nagging me, tell me, tell me now, 'no,no'. 'Ill tell you tomorrow'. I convince her its not her and to go to sleep, she does in my arms and I swear I laid awake the whole night. Morning comes and the first thing she says is 'you going to tell me your secret now'. Hungover in the morning is just as bad I tell myself. She nagged more and more and more. I decide, not now but if you come back later, I might. I walk her home and shes asking me 'are you gay, do you a low sex drive, are you married, do you have kids' - no no no no. I had got myself into the worst situation..I had made it a secret...it was now a 'thing' to talk about.

Anyway I tell her come back this afternoon. She says 'maybe'. I go home, sleep. I wake up and tell her to come over later. I can't hide from this. She does and we sit quietly, talking normally, I make her dinner, we eat chocolate and I take her to my room. We talk a bit and I'm holding her in my arms, both our eyes are closed and its pure heaven. Nothing gets said for about 45 minutes then she says 'why are you anxious' and she was spot on, I was. As I was mulling it all over in my head my feet started to slowly tap and move and she could just feel it. Silence. 'Hey, talk to me.' More silence. I turn to her and put my forehead on hers and I just want to cry my fucking eyes out. Thoughts - This could be the last time I see her if this goes bad runs through my head. All this affection I have from her could be gone in an instant. I look her in the eyes. Silence. She waits a few minutes and says 'Talk to me. I ask her 'Did you think of me today?' and she says 'Yes. Well I worried about you. I worried about this'. In my mind I had told myself earlier if shes comes over today, she wants to know, I must tell her. I look her in the eyes, shes still in my arms and I go to do a lap of the house to make sure no one is home. I come back and in and my socks are wet, the downstairs bathroom is flooding! She sighs. The look in her eyes tell me she thinks I'm making excuses. I go to fix it and then my flatmate comes home. Another good excuse not to talk - I don't want him to overhear it. Then I tell myself - fuck it. I can't have her if I can't tell her. I leave my flatmate to clean up, I hold her in my arms and I give her the talk;

'Did you see x the other day?'

'Yeah'

'Did you see that sore on his lip, that cold sore?'

'Yeah'

'Do you know what they are'

'I know enough'

'Do you get them?'

'Yeah'

'Really, you get them?'

'Yeah, why?'

I smile and give her the rest of the talk. Shes actually quite well informed. Wanted to understand 2 vs 1, I give her some numbers and tell her she'll be immune to me, and that basically I've been a big wuss. She loves my honesty, she loves that I could trust her with it and she respects me for being the type of person who wouldn't just pretend they didn't have it and sleep with someone. She doesn't jump away, she changes her mannerisms for a little bit but shes soon back to laying all over me and caressing me. We end up joking about it.

'God that must have sucked, I'd have been gutted'

'Yeah, excuse the pun but it was a kick in the nuts'

She laughs.

I reassure her she can talk to me anytime about. She spends the next two hours talking to me. We don't get freaky, it'd been a long 24 hours and we were both emotionally spent. I walk her home and she grabs my hand tightly, she smiles and says lets make plans.

The girl who I had all the reasons in the world not to risk a thing on, who I didn't think would even like me let alone take me with this illness ended up being someone who might just be perfect for me.

While you're building walls to protect yourself from fear, life is walking by your door...and you're missing it. I hope this helps inspire some of you and just goes to show you get out what you put in and you won't know until you ask.

Peace and Love

Wish

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Acesheart
Just realised how long this; sorry.

- If we don't push through the wall of fear, no good will come -

I was an active member on this site for a long time but turned my back on it when I was in a relationship. That relationship ended two years ago and I spent that time on the outside being happy and normal but dying on the inside in silecne, alone, as I came to terms with most importantly the loss of someone I loved and secondly the fear of starting again.

Six months ago I got a rude awakening of a family member becoming ill with cancer. It snapped me hard in the face with a dose of life. Its right in front of me and here I was denying myself at any real chance of happiness. I quickly realised I had developed walls so high around my personality it was impossible for anyone to get close to me. It was a watershed moment and I decided that it was time to snap out of this rut and start living again.

Firstly I got in the gym and lost 5kg. Secondly I got my friend in fashion to help me dress smart. I start using normal dating sites and meeting people in the work place, friends of friends like normal people. I had no fear and decided if it came to it I would need to bite the bullet and tell the person of my status, whats the harm in dating..you can work out the awkward stuff later.

I had more purpose now and I dismissed girls like anyone would who didn't click, or whatever. Before I knew it I met a beautiful girl from a friends work. I told myself all the lies in the book not to go for her, how I could never tell her, what if I told her and she hated me and told my friend. How could I turn up if she rejected me. The short of it is we ended up in a place where we started going on dates. I told myself I can swing a few dates and deal with the situation later, after all with all the excuses I had in my head this was never going to work anyway. She was beautiful; why would she want me when she could have anyone in the world, afterall!

The dates were perfect, we would met up again and again and spend hours and hours together. I could feel feelings for her developing but I wasn't sure how much of this was a one way street. My fear and insecurity was telling me to ignore all the signs that she was in to me and convince me that she wasn't. Even when we'd kiss and hug and hold hands I could still convince myself she wasn't ready. I needed to KNOW she really liked me before I could tell her anything. As our dates got better and better I felt the fear tightening around my neck like a noose. I knew I was running out of time as I had put it off for so long and we were getting more intense, it was coming. Then one night we were drunk and she goes 'why don't you try and put your penis in me?' - We were standing at a bar. I was taken a-back. I knew exactly why. But it dawned on me instantly. By keeping myself at distance I was not sending the right signals, she was getting confused and felt that I was either not sexually into her and doubted I found her attractive, or worse she thought I had no sexual confidence and wasn't worth sleeping with. I talked my way out of it and we ended up going home together, she wants to come over, I know its a bad idea but figure we won't have sex so I can enjoy her staying over with me and we can talk next time we met or in the morning. We walk in the door, hings heat up and before I know it I'm in a situation that any man only dreams of...shes basically naked and she tries to reach for my pants and I stop her. Following the conversation earlier that night she collapses in a hump. Why would someone she thought cares about her not have any fun with her. There must be something wrong. We're drunk and I can't hide. I new it could go bad but this was THE WORST outcome. So I tell her we need to have a grown up chat when we're sober. Shes nagging me, tell me, tell me now, 'no,no'. 'Ill tell you tomorrow'. I convince her its not her and to go to sleep, she does in my arms and I swear I laid awake the whole night. Morning comes and the first thing she says is 'you going to tell me your secret now'. Hungover in the morning is just as bad I tell myself. She nagged more and more and more. I decide, not now but if you come back later, I might. I walk her home and shes asking me 'are you gay, do you a low sex drive, are you married, do you have kids' - no no no no. I had got myself into the worst situation..I had made it a secret...it was now a 'thing' to talk about.

Anyway I tell her come back this afternoon. She says 'maybe'. I go home, sleep. I wake up and tell her to come over later. I can't hide from this. She does and we sit quietly, talking normally, I make her dinner, we eat chocolate and I take her to my room. We talk a bit and I'm holding her in my arms, both our eyes are closed and its pure heaven. Nothing gets said for about 45 minutes then she says 'why are you anxious' and she was spot on, I was. As I was mulling it all over in my head my feet started to slowly tap and move and she could just feel it. Silence. 'Hey, talk to me.' More silence. I turn to her and put my forehead on hers and I just want to cry my fucking eyes out. Thoughts - This could be the last time I see her if this goes bad runs through my head. All this affection I have from her could be gone in an instant. I look her in the eyes. Silence. She waits a few minutes and says 'Talk to me. I ask her 'Did you think of me today?' and she says 'Yes. Well I worried about you. I worried about this'. In my mind I had told myself earlier if shes comes over today, she wants to know, I must tell her. I look her in the eyes, shes still in my arms and I go to do a lap of the house to make sure no one is home. I come back and in and my socks are wet, the downstairs bathroom is flooding! She sighs. The look in her eyes tell me she thinks I'm making excuses. I go to fix it and then my flatmate comes home. Another good excuse not to talk - I don't want him to overhear it. Then I tell myself - fuck it. I can't have her if I can't tell her. I leave my flatmate to clean up, I hold her in my arms and I give her the talk;

'Did you see x the other day?'

'Yeah'

'Did you see that sore on his lip, that cold sore?'

'Yeah'

'Do you know what they are'

'I know enough'

'Do you get them?'

'Yeah'

'Really, you get them?'

'Yeah, why?'

I smile and give her the rest of the talk. Shes actually quite well informed. Wanted to understand 2 vs 1, I give her some numbers and tell her she'll be immune to me, and that basically I've been a big wuss. She loves my honesty, she loves that I could trust her with it and she respects me for being the type of person who wouldn't just pretend they didn't have it and sleep with someone. She doesn't jump away, she changes her mannerisms for a little bit but shes soon back to laying all over me and caressing me. We end up joking about it.

'God that must have sucked, I'd have been gutted'

'Yeah, excuse the pun but it was a kick in the nuts'

She laughs.

I reassure her she can talk to me anytime about. She spends the next two hours talking to me. We don't get freaky, it'd been a long 24 hours and we were both emotionally spent. I walk her home and she grabs my hand tightly, she smiles and says lets make plans.

The girl who I had all the reasons in the world not to risk a thing on, who I didn't think would even like me let alone take me with this illness ended up being someone who might just be perfect for me.

While you're building walls to protect yourself from fear, life is walking by your door...and you're missing it. I hope this helps inspire some of you and just goes to show you get out what you put in and you won't know until you ask.

Peace and Love

Wish

I am jumping up and down in my heart for you!!!This is an amazingly beautiful life story that everyone here needs to take the time to read. I am so very happy for BOTH of you. Big squishy cyber hugs :luv2u: Aces xo

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SheIsBlue

Great story, Wish. Thanks for sharing. I wish you two the best.(:

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StrongONE5

This is awesome and thanks so much for sharing! I am at the same point of having to tell someone for the first time and its emotionally exhausting thinking about it! This give me even more confidence and also the strength to know that it is better to take the chance than to regret not doing anything at all!! Thank you again!

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