Disclosure Misunderstood? What to do?

[Blondie85]

I need some advice. I'm second guessing myself because of how I disclosed to my current boyfriend months ago and I'm now worried he is not really as aware as I thought he was.

My boyfriend used to be one of my dear friends that I have known for many years. Last summer he admitted that he had feelings for me. At that point, he was unaware that I have ghsv2. We remained friends while I sorted out my feelings to decide if I could see him as more than just my dear friend and months ago we decided to try dating but of course before we could make any official decision I needed to disclose to him. Unfortunately, the face-to-face talk I had carefully planned never happened due to a number of missed opportunities and long distance challenges between the two of us. We ended up having the talk through text.

How I remember our text conversation went was that I had initiated telling him by saying that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with him but that there was something I really needed him to be aware of and think about before deciding if we should take the next step to dating. He told me he felt we could work through anything and whatever it was he was certain we would work it out. Before I could even tell him myself, he said he thought he knew what it was. Curious as I am, I ended up letting him take the lead in the conversation because I wanted to find out if his guess was right. He then guessed hsv2. At least I think that is what he said. He explained he had dated two women in the past who had it (again, now I'm second guessing and not sure if they had facial cold sores or genital hsv). The conversation happened so many texts ago that I can no longer retrieve the conversation to double-check.

And that was our talk. He didn't seem to want to discuss it anymore, said it was a non issue to him. He was not ,as far as I could tell, worried about it at all. I think I was so thrown off by his reaction and his being so comfortable with it that I failed to react in a logical way. Everything I had imagined talking to him about went out the window. I was stumped. I let him take the lead with the conversation and he seemed to just want to close the case, move forward, and not talk about it anymore. I shouldn't have allowed him to close the case but for reasons I'm still trying to figure out, I did not push him into talking more about it.

I've had the talk before with a past partner and it went smoothly. I was able to communicate all the points we needed to talk about, he asked his questions, processed it all, and we continued dating until we mutually decided to become just friends. And we are still good friends to this day. I don't know what happened this time, it went completely sideways. I did not expect him to guess what it was about and take so much control of the conversation, and end up wanting to just accept it and not talk about it again.

It has been several months now since our talk (if you can call it that) and I don't know if it is just my memory failing me or the way he seems too cool with it, but I am now seriously doubting how aware he is about all of this. We have become intimate and I am feeling so guilty that he may not be as aware as I thought he was. We're both in this for the long haul, we love each other and have a history together. Where I stand now, is feeling like I just need to have the talk all over again, after already having had it because I'm second guessing everything now. I think it is because he is so comfortable with me. He doesn't act even mildly worried about it. Never talks about it. Nothing. And I don't think that's good. It has me putting the brakes on our relationship and I might possibly even end it because I'm so stressed about this. He is the type that will tuck away previous issues after he thinks they are dealt with and never talk about them again. Which is good normally, but I think something like this should be something that is regularly acknowledged.

I am so ashamed and feeling guilty that I let myself handle this in such a poor way. This is someone I love deeply and I know he loves me as much if not more. I can't go on like this. He might truly be fully aware like I initially thought he was, but if he is not, we need to decide what to do. Please help me plan how to approach him again and talk this through so I can be confident the man I love is truly and completely aware.

[Elle22]

In my opinion, one of the best things to do is to think about what's most important and how to communicate that concisely. So, if you're concerned the two of you aren't on the same page, just be as up front as possible like "Hey, I wanted to make sure we are on the same page with the hsv. I really like you and want you to be fully informed, and since we didn't talk too much about it, sometimes I get concerned that you might not be."

Of course, it can be really challenging to get out there and say something like that (a second time). It may be that no moment hits you over the head as being the perfect moment, so perhaps just mention it next time it comes to mind.

As another note, it may seem surprising to you that hsv doesn't get talked about a lot in your relationship, but that is not terribly uncommon. There is a limit to how much you can chat about a particular virus, and/or your partner may find it awkward or rude to bring up to you.

[SheIsBlue]

Blondie, I don't think you should end this relationship over herpes. You two obviously love each other very much and that is all that matters. He says he doesn't care about this virus and has clearly acted as such. It's not a big deal to him and you should just leave it at that. When you are having an outbreak, just say "can't tonight, honey" and go to a movie or something. Other than that, he is comfortable with the situation and telling you that you should be too. You have a good guy there. What we women have to realize is that men don't worry and analyze things to death like we do. They don't process things over and over; they process once and they are done. Let it go and enjoy your relationship. I say forget it and go have some fun.