Depressed and ready to end it

[nolagirl94]

Hello everyone..

I thought I would join this group for any glimmer of hope. Something I most desperately need in this dark time of my life.

I am 19 years old. I got into a relationship with a man 10 months ago.. We have had unprotected sex numerous times. I lost my virginity to him.. Didn't even think to have him tested first. I just never thought this would happen ever. I was more concerned of a pregnancy than an std. Two months ago I went to the doctor for some type of bump down there.. It's on my labia minora.. No puss.. Just one bump, maybe not even a bump it's more as if my labia minora is extremely swollen.. It hurts very bad to touch. I went to the school nurse and got the swab right away and it came back as negative. From the pictures I've seen online, mine looks nothing like that. This time I went to a gyno.. Got chlamydia and ghnorrea test and it came back as pos for chlamydia.. Got treated for that and it was over. So I made my boyfriend go get the blood test panel for all stds and of course it came back as pos for herpes.. both types and chlamydia. He has never had an outbreak and the doctor said there is no reason for him to be on valtrex or any suppressive medication. The swollen thing went away and now it's back. Looks around same spot. No other weird stuff happening down there just a swollen painful labia minora..

I suffer extremely bad depression and anxiety.. I had cancer during my younger teen years and I honestly feel that this is 10x worse.. There is such a terrible stigma with std's. I don't even want to go back to the doctor because I am terrified of the blood work and any other intrusive tests.

I have really been feeling like giving up. I am mad at the world for as why this could happen to me.. I possibly caught a disease for life after waiting to have sex with someone I really care about. I'm feeling hopeless and disgusted with myself. Anyone's thoughts would be nice Sorry my words are everywhere I am just so scatter brained with this..

[Elle22]

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with this. Herpes can be very upsetting at first and the stigma can be a challenge to deal with at times. However, in time, you will learn how to cope and can have a perfectly normal happy life. I got herpes when I was 19 as well, and things have turned out just fine.

[HolisticGirl]

Sweetheart...I know your pain. I had just gotten out of a 16 year relationship and met a man I really liked. Made him get STD tested....all came back negative so I thought I was OK. Well....they never tested him for herpes. So I now have it. On top of it...I have reason to believe he wasn't 100% honest with me about his past. I am emotionally struggling. Like you, I was extremely careful who I let in my life. I even made him get STD tested....and I still got it.

Like you said the stigma attached to the virus is what is so hard. I feel dirty, damaged and broken. My self esteem has went in the pooper and I am a very attractive female that does not look my age. It has been a struggle.

Just know you are not alone. There are thousands of us herpsters that face the same struggles and heartbreak you do everyday. Things will get better. This virus is not a death sentence (though at times it feels like it). After your first year, your chances of a female giving it to a male partner (if you ever end up in a new relationship and he doesn't have it) is only 4% per year. That is no condoms or antivirals (and no sex during symptoms or OBs). If you go on an antiviral it drops it down to about 2%. Condoms drop it further to like 1% per year. Hang in there.

You are still the same beautiful person you were....you just have a skin virus.

[VVK]

I have really been feeling like giving up. I am mad at the world for as why this could happen to me.. I possibly caught a disease for life...

Being intimate with someone who has herpes doesn't mean that you automatically get herpes. As you said, you only "possibly" caught it.. what's the sense in giving up over a possibility? There's way more to life than something so small. Take your sexual health seriously. It's the key to one of the richest aspects of life that you can experience. What you have may be treatable (maybe chlamydia that's not cleared up?) and all that may be needed is to go back and get medical help until you know what it is and until it's gone. STDs are a reality of being intimate with anyone.. most can be successfully treated and resolved. There is medication and vaccines coming or already here for those STDs that stick around. But before thinking about any of that, get the medical care that you need to get your lady parts back to normal and then figure out if you even have herpes or not.

[Createss Galore]

I agree with VVK. First you have to learn whether or not you have it. If you do, you'll make it through to a good life as you learn to manage it. You are stronger than you think. There have been many times in my life when I thought I would end it, but I made it through. Life with this seems impossible and unbearable, but it is not. You will find a way. AND, you may not even have it. Also, you did your best. It is not your fault. No matter how hard we try sometimes, no matter how many plans we make or how careful we are, things just happen. It shouldn't be that way, it's not fair, but life must go on. There is still happiness and joy to be had.

[nolagirl94]

Thanks everyone, so much !

[nolagirl94]

Can anyone please private message me and I can give some more details and get some advice.. I have more questions.. Like one for example, would my boyfriend had known if he had herpes?! Can some peope never get outbreaks??