Undisclosed for almost 2 years with the man I love

[losingit]

I am the worst person to ever roam the earth! I have been in a one and a half year relationship with my boyfriend who I am so deeply in love with. He loves me so much and tells me every day. We're like any other couple, get into fights but then we make up. I have not disclosed my condition for a year and a half and every day I worry about transmitting in this awful disease. It's been seven years and into afraid to tell him I hate myself so much. When we got together I was in a very vulnerable state my mother was dying of cancer and I was her caretaker. He was the only one that would pray with me, spend the night with me at hospice, and held my hand when we buried her. Herpes was not on my mind and now it is. I was diagnosed seven years ago and now I'm haunted by the biggest mistake I made in my life. I battle with the thought that I may ruin his life or with the thought that he refused to wear a condom when I begged him to. I turn 30 next month being that I've lived with this for so long I just need help I know what I'm supposed to do but I have no courage. I'm a coward, a fraud, a liar . I love him so much but he refuses to wear a condom but it's still my fault for not telling him in the beginning . I just need help! What do I do? I'm tired of living this lie. How do I tell him now?

[bayern77]

What type do you have? Do you take antivirals?

[SheIsBlue]

losingit, relationships are built on trust and honesty. Just tell him what you told us and tell the truth. Be prepared for his response. He may be more upset for your not telling than the actual virus itself.

[VVK]

Do you even know his status?

[losingit]

I was diagnosed by a nurse practitioner who looked at me and told me it was herpes. I never found out what type and I've been taking antivirals since I been in the relationship. I take acyclovir to prevent an outbreak and transmission! We are going to A trip this Friday with his family. I hate this and don't know how much more I can take.

[justanotherhchick]

I don't blame you for not disclosing. It's difficult, embarrassing and stressful. I didn't tell my boyfriend until after we had unprotected sex, and he almost had a panic attack when I told him, but he was able to forgive me. Later down the road he confessed that my condition was in the back of his mind and it scared him so we broke up. A part of me wished that I never told him, but if he ended up getting it then he would've resented me forever. And what kind of love would that have been? I don't think we're over but I guess only time will tell.

I know you're scared to lose him, but if you tell him then there's a better chance of him forgiving you. He may not forgive you right away but if you don't tell him and he finds out you omitted the truth then you might lose him forever.

[november13]

Go get tested for everything (maybe as part of a general gyno checkup, along with a pap?), find out what type you have, and tell him what your results said. You can act like you just found out. This isn't the most honest method but at least he will know your status, will get tested himself, and you can discuss what to do from there. Say you will take daily antivirals to lessen the risk, etc. If you will still feel guilty because you haven't told him the total truth, then tell him everything. It's possible you were misdiagnosed if the nurse didn't swab you/give you a blood test.

[losingit]

I just want to thank you all for your responses. I am avoiding sex with him and have been extremely mean to him lately. I cry every night and I'm constantly either reading about this disease on this cite for help and information up thinking about how I hurt him. I've lost several hours of sleep and my drinking has increased. I pray that God heals me.

[smargeld17]

losing it I think you are being wayyyy to hard on yrself. Anyone would think you had murdered a bunch of kittens! It's a minor STD, not the Black Death!!! Plus he refuses to wear a condom! That's NOT loving at all and rather selfish to my mind! Why is you not disclosing any less so? He may have it already but not know it. It's all relative but before you start doing yourself down, just look at the bigger picture.

Sure, in a loving relationship it would've been better to tell him earlier on, but my goodness, it's not that big a deal. You are NOT a bad person!

Also: we all know that the very effective pharma industry campaigns in the 1970s have led to today's daft over-dramatisation of H, not because of the condition itself which, after the first few OBs (for the majority- I know there are exceptions) is fairly easy to manage or even symptomless. Please don't feed into this ridiculous drug industry-fuelled propaganda by demonising yourself! It's gone on too long

[november13]

love this response!

losing it I think you are being wayyyy to hard on yrself. Anyone would think you had murdered a bunch of kittens! It's a minor STD, not the Black Death!!! Plus he refuses to wear a condom! That's NOT loving at all and rather selfish to my mind! Why is you not disclosing any less so? He may have it already but not know it. It's all relative but before you start doing yourself down, just look at the bigger picture.

Sure, in a loving relationship it would've been better to tell him earlier on, but my goodness, it's not that big a deal. You are NOT a bad person!

Also: we all know that the very effective pharma industry campaigns in the 1970s have led to today's daft over-dramatisation of H, not because of the condition itself which, after the first few OBs (for the majority- I know there are exceptions) is fairly easy to manage or even symptomless. Please don't feed into this ridiculous drug industry-fuelled propaganda by demonising yourself! It's gone on too long