This stinks!

[SNGLMOM]

I am new to this site but not new to herpes. My story begins......I was in a great relationship when I was diagnosed. I told my boyfriend as soon as I suspected something was wrong and communicated everything with him. Once I got those dreaded results back I immediately called him. He went and was tested and he was not diagnosed with herpes. He said he loved me and something like that would not change his feelings. A few months later I found out I was pregnant. I was flipping out on the inside. I tried to remain calm so no one knew how I really feeling. I talked with my Dr and he put me on meds and closely monitered me during my pregnancy. I was able to have my son naturally(if you want to count an epidural natural). He was later diagnosed with herpes, as well. Then things went south in our relationship. I finally got the courage to kick him out, he was being abusive and on drugs. He called several times to ask me if he could come back home. When I would tell him no that he had to be clean before he could come home he would throw in my face that I had ruined his life by giving him an STD. It would get nasty and I never let him know how bad that got to me but after he would leave or we would get off the phone I would break down and cry. I went through an awful state of depression. I am now doing much better in that aspect. Although I am scared to get into another relationship. I will talk to guys, flirt and have been on a couple of dates but when it comes down to getting intimate with someone I freeze and find an excuse to not see them anymore. My excuse has always been that I don't have time for a relationship because of my children. I want to get past this. I want to be able to have as much of a normal relationship with a man as I can. Right now I feel very lost. Thanks for listening!!!!

[awake67]

Lost, but not 4ever

Hi SingleMom,

Your note touched my heart.

I am also single, but not a Mother (yet). Don't be hurt by my suggestion, but I think perhaps you may not want to be in a relationship right now. You may want to wait until you are ready, meaning that you are mentally and emotionally stable to start a relationship.

I wouldn't even flirt with another man until I was content with myself. That is: Happy with who I am.

Think of it this way. If I was unhappy with myself and in my situation, being a single Mom AND having herpes, I have two choices: 1) I can go out and search for affection from someone else, but being insecure, I would secretly be scared and spend my time alone in my fear after dumping all future prospects of a secure relationship.

OR

2) I can go for therapy or join a support group (and restore my Faith in the Almighty for strength-yoga, meditation and pray) and talk to someone who has no judgement and discuss past experiences, release my pain, anger and all negative emotions that I have stored up inside me (that might cause me dis-ease if I don't let them out) and restore balance and harmony of my own being. In this way, I am able to be a healthy role model for my children and being content with myself, meet the man of my dreams and I feel worthy of meeting.

I'm sorry if I offended you (or anyone else) with this post. I realize the anguish you are experiencing. Please know that I Love you and support you and your family in all your good resolutions to remedy for your future happiness.

It will take some work for you to be healed of your past relationship. It is your Strong Will to obtain wisdom, healing and restored harmony.

Best Wishes. My prayers are with You.

[MsLucy]

It seems, snglmom, that you've been through quite a lot, and I sympathize. I have to agree with Awake67's advice. Sometimes we need to take time to tend our own garden, if you know what I mean... let our wounds heal and spend time getting comfortable with ourselves. Being alone doesn't neccessarily mean being lonely. Sometimes it just means we're letting ourselves come first for awhile, and that's a good thing when we need to restore our equilibrium.

When the time is right, and the circumstances are right, and the other person is right, you'll know, and the fears that keep you isolated now will dissolve away. In the meantime, do what makes you feel good about life, and about yourself.

I know that you must be strong, because you had the courage to end an abusive and destructive relationship. It's time now to channel some of that strength into rebuilding your faith in yourself, and your confidence in your ability to thrive on your own. Once you no longer feel the need for another person in your life, you'll be better equpped to handle a new relationship, knowing that, no matter what, you'll be okay. In any healthy relationship, we must love ourselves, as well as our partner, in order to keep a balance.

I think you're going to be just fine. Awake's suggestion of a support group was a good one, or a therapist to talk things out with. Try to let go of the hurt and anger that make you afraid now. There are so many good people in the world worthy of loving, and willing to give love in return. It's too bad that it only takes one encounter with one of the losers to make us lose sight of that. But they're out there. And when you're ready, you'll find him, or he'll find you, usually when you least expect it. Keep your eyes on the horizon, and keep moving forward.

[starphyse]

Your truely a strong woman SNGLMOM and a loving mother. Keep your head strong and keep your faith you seem like your doing a wonderful job of carrying on considering the other problems besides the herpes. Your son is lucky to have a loving strong caring mother like you.

Just remember only you can find happiness for yourself no one else. You seem very strong minded which is good but if you ever need to talk everyone is here to listen including myself.

You get a big hug for being a very very strong woman.

[memyselfI]

hmmm

There is nothing wrong with dating. Dating can be awkward, scary, intimidating and even unkind ....so what? this is part of single life herpes or not. I just recently have began dating and I am attracted very much so to these men but getting to know someone doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself by joining a support group or whatever you have to do. I don't know what the cut off is when you need to say; do i think this might go somewhere? Can i comfortably have the herpes talk with this individual. I don't know about the rest of you all but most dates don't lead to relationship, usally just a good time, going out, getting out of your normal routine for an evening. What's wrong with that. Of course love yourself first and take care of yourself first so you can be the best mom as well as good company to those you love and those who love you ...and dates too.

God bless you dear; no need to fear God is always with you taking care of you.

[starphyse]

Yeah in way herpes keeps the ass'es away. People that want in your pants in the first 3 days are in for a big shock but people who really want a meaningful relationship herpes really isn't a issue.