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Telling someone I've already slept with

rowan12

By rowan12
in Disclosure (telling)

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rowan12 Newbie

rowan12

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Hi guys

So, I'm a bit of a dick. I got drunk and slept with a man, who is lovely. We briefly had unprotected sex. I vaguely remember us chatting about each not having anything- I genuinely didn't think about it properly as it had been so long since the last time I had an OB. He said something about being a chickenpox carrier (!), and I think I made a vague reference to it being similar but not anything clear enough to count. This was 2 weeks ago. Since then I've stayed over at his again but kept pants on as it was period time. We've also had a bit of a snog and a cuddle at a party. We'd not met before, but now he's got to know some of my friends. We live in a very small town.

I need to tell him before sober sex happens. I feel a bitch as I have never ever not disclosed before. I'm hoping he hasn't got it from the other night, as I guess he'd have symptoms by now. I wasn't having an OB

So, here is how I was thinking about doing it. I'm in a houseshare so the only way we can hang out is at his. I was going to sit him down at home pre sexy times, and say something like 'Hey, as it now seems like we may be going to have semi regular sex, I just need to mention something that I like to let my lovers know. If I'm sick or tired I sometimes get cold sores where no lady wants them. It's really unlikely that I'll pass it on if I'm not having an episode during sex, so you should be fine from the other night. But I think its courteous to let you know so you can ask me any questions, express any concerns etc. Also because it occasionally puts me out of action in the pants department. So please go ahead, I'm pretty open about this'

Then if he freaks I'll get a taxi home and cry! And never make this mistake again.

So cross at myself, it's been 10 years of living with this, I should have done better.

Do you think this is an ok way to do it? Better ideas? Can I wuss out and text him?!!

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JBnATL Platinum Support Member

JBnATL

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Posted

It does sound like a good way to do it because you treat it like it is no big deal, which it isn't.

HOW you give the talk is as important as what you say. Just approach it casually and if he has any questions direct him to this website. Also share this infographic with him about transmission rates. As you can see it really isn't that easy to spread:

http://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

Good luck!

JB

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Scared12345 Acknowledged Support Member

Scared12345

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Posted
It does sound like a good way to do it because you treat it like it is no big deal, which it isn't.

HOW you give the talk is as important as what you say. Just approach it casually and if he has any questions direct him to this website. Also share this infographic with him about transmission rates. As you can see it really isn't that easy to spread:

http://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

Good luck!

JB

Have you ever passed it? I am so terrified of passing it. I only had it for a year

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Scared12345 Acknowledged Support Member

Scared12345

Posted
Posted
Hi guys

So, I'm a bit of a dick. I got drunk and slept with a man, who is lovely. We briefly had unprotected sex. I vaguely remember us chatting about each not having anything- I genuinely didn't think about it properly as it had been so long since the last time I had an OB. He said something about being a chickenpox carrier (!), and I think I made a vague reference to it being similar but not anything clear enough to count. This was 2 weeks ago. Since then I've stayed over at his again but kept pants on as it was period time. We've also had a bit of a snog and a cuddle at a party. We'd not met before, but now he's got to know some of my friends. We live in a very small town.

I need to tell him before sober sex happens. I feel a bitch as I have never ever not disclosed before. I'm hoping he hasn't got it from the other night, as I guess he'd have symptoms by now. I wasn't having an OB

So, here is how I was thinking about doing it. I'm in a houseshare so the only way we can hang out is at his. I was going to sit him down at home pre sexy times, and say something like 'Hey, as it now seems like we may be going to have semi regular sex, I just need to mention something that I like to let my lovers know. If I'm sick or tired I sometimes get cold sores where no lady wants them. It's really unlikely that I'll pass it on if I'm not having an episode during sex, so you should be fine from the other night. But I think its courteous to let you know so you can ask me any questions, express any concerns etc. Also because it occasionally puts me out of action in the pants department. So please go ahead, I'm pretty open about this'

Then if he freaks I'll get a taxi home and cry! And never make this mistake again.

So cross at myself, it's been 10 years of living with this, I should have done better.

Do you think this is an ok way to do it? Better ideas? Can I wuss out and text him?!!

Have you ever passed it? I only had it for a year. Do you often have OB?

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WilsoInAus Platinum Support Member

WilsoInAus

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Scared12345, did you ever confirm what type of HSV you have? Or indeed if you have HSV at all? It could well be that you are no risk to your partner at all!!

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rowan12 Newbie

rowan12

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Scared12345, nope, I've never transferred it. Had *lots* of partners since, (all of whom I've told) and have just left a monogamous 5 year relationship in which we didn't use condoms and he didn't catch it. I know this feels scary- heck, I'm nervous about telling this chap now. My first year I was still with my giver, and I had lots of OB's, near constant. By the 2nd year it settled down. I wish i'd known about aciclovir- my Dr never offered it- it' a miracle drug! Get yourself off to the Dr if your struggling, the 1st year or so is the hardest. It gets easier, promise!

JB- thanks, it's a variation on my usual talk, mixed up a bit to allow for the fact that a sexual encounter has already happened. I'm just concerned because of the non disclose originally how he'll take it. Just going to wander round kicking myself until the talk has happened!

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Scared12345 Acknowledged Support Member

Scared12345

Posted
Posted
Scared12345, nope, I've never transferred it. Had *lots* of partners since, (all of whom I've told) and have just left a monogamous 5 year relationship in which we didn't use condoms and he didn't catch it. I know this feels scary- heck, I'm nervous about telling this chap now. My first year I was still with my giver, and I had lots of OB's, near constant. By the 2nd year it settled down. I wish i'd known about aciclovir- my Dr never offered it- it' a miracle drug! Get yourself off to the Dr if your struggling, the 1st year or so is the hardest. It gets easier, promise!

JB- thanks, it's a variation on my usual talk, mixed up a bit to allow for the fact that a sexual encounter has already happened. I'm just concerned because of the non disclose originally how he'll take it. Just going to wander round kicking myself until the talk has happened!

I stayed in a bad relationship because I was afraid of being with anyone else and passing it. I had sex with 2 ppl and never passed it. Rowan you never transferred it and never took anti virals ? My doctor never offered it either! I went to him and asked for valtrex because I remembered seeing it on tv

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Scared12345 Acknowledged Support Member

Scared12345

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Posted
Scared12345, did you ever confirm what type of HSV you have? Or indeed if you have HSV at all? It could well be that you are no risk to your partner at all!!

WilsoInAus no I don't know which one I have and if it's even herpes. Pretty sure it is. I have a doc appointment today though!!!!! I am nervous! Hate telling people. I have a red spot there it's no longer a bump so I don't know that it can be swabbed and I don't know if I am still contagious for sex !!!!!! I hate this so much the not knowing part

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JBnATL Platinum Support Member

JBnATL

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Have you ever passed it? I am so terrified of passing it. I only had it for a year

No, to my knowledge I have never passed it along. I have dated around a dozen women over the years and have kept in touch with pretty much all of them, and none of them have come back and told me that I passed this to them.

Please believe the statistics that this isn't that easy to pass and as long as your partner accepts the risks, enjoy the intimacy with them.

Good luck!

JB

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Scared12345 Acknowledged Support Member

Scared12345

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Well doc advises not to take daily acyclovir. I can deal with the one break a year since I don't even know if I was having one . She gave me a prediction snd left it up to me. We also don't do the blood tests here she said I would

Have to travel to the states. She also Told me to come right in for a swab next time no matter appointment

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hidingbehindafacade7 Honeycomb Member

hidingbehindafacade7

Posted
Posted
It does sound like a good way to do it because you treat it like it is no big deal, which it isn't.

HOW you give the talk is as important as what you say. Just approach it casually and if he has any questions direct him to this website. Also share this infographic with him about transmission rates. As you can see it really isn't that easy to spread:

http://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

Good luck!

JB

how did you come across this stats sheet?

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JBnATL Platinum Support Member

JBnATL

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Posted
how did you come across this stats sheet?

I have been on this website daily for over 6 years and I have chatted with thousands over the years, and someone posted that link a few years ago. I bookmarked it and use it frequently.

I hope it helps you.

JB

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  • 2 years later...
Newbie2017 Newbie

Newbie2017

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Posted

I need help! I went out with some guys from work and ended going back to one of the guys' house. I mentioned that night I had HSV-2 and he kind of blew it off. The next morning one thing led to another and we slept together. I don't think he remembers us talking and I absolutely feel like I need to tell him, but I have only told one guy that I have H and that's because I found out when we were dating. So I am so new to this world even though I have had it for 2 years. He also doesn't seem like he wants anything more than that one time. I need advice.

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