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I dont know how to tell him


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About two years ago I was taken advantage in my sleep. I got tested before I got in a relationship with a partner last year and found out I contracted herpes as well as HPV. I was devastated, to make matters worse when I told my boyfriend at the time, he was concerned in the beginning, attentive to me and my feelings. However it became apparent within a week or so that he would not touch me intimately. He told me he couldn't touch me, it was too weird, and he couldn't be sexually attracted to me. After a couple of months we split up after I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling like a disgusting mess because of what someone did to me without my consent. Our last conversation he told me he believed I knew all along, I did not contract it that way, and I slept with to try and transmit it to him. My best friend was the first person I told about contracting these conditions, her response was she had no idea how she can handle me having it. Earlier this year, I found out she told god knows how many people about my condition (excluding how it was contracted) and even told a family member of mine. Suddenly I was standing here in a glass house with rocks being chucked at me.

I have been seeing someone for four months now, and I couldn't be happier. I finally feel normal. I am taking supression therapy, I still havent had an outbreak, and for the most part we have engaged in safe sex. However, we have had unprotected (no condom) sex approximately five times. I have always taken my medication, and never engaged in sex during times of high stress, or my period.

I really like him, I just don't know how to tell him. I just know I can't hide this from him.

any help?

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Welcome to the site, hiding. Relationships are built on trust and honesty. Tell him the truth, just like you told us. State the facts in a calm manner and be prepared to answer any questions he may have. He may need time to process. In any event, you are NOT a disgusting mess. You are the same beautiful person and herpes can never change that. Keep us posted and let us know how it goes.

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What tests did you have to confirm herpes? What were the results of these tests?

I was tested twice by my physician for hsv 1 and 2 with tigered results

the first time I came back positive with a tigered number .18 (anything over .09 being positive)

the second time it came back 1.04

why do you ask?

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Welcome to the site, hiding. Relationships are built on trust and honesty. Tell him the truth, just like you told us. State the facts in a calm manner and be prepared to answer any questions he may have. He may need time to process. In any event, you are NOT a disgusting mess. You are the same beautiful person and herpes can never change that. Keep us posted and let us know how it goes.

thank you very much

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Reading your first paragraph alone made me think "Holy bleep." Up to the final paragraph -- just, wow...

I truly understand why you're reluctant to tell your current partner, and what had happened to you in the past was despicable. But even suppression therapy is not 100% effective and he is being put at risk, even if it's very minor the chance still exists.

In my relationship, which I'm about to end because the guy is a manipulator and abuser, he never bothered to tell me upfront about his "cold sores". But to his credit, he was sincere when he said he did not know that HSV1 can go from mouth to genitals or the other way around. But he still should have told me upfront, since HSV1 affects me for the rest of my life, if or when I need asthma or arthritis medication...

Back to the point: I hope people who respond can help find a way to help salvage this relationship, since nobody is ever going to feel happy over being put at risk.

Definitely tell him WHY you withheld information. My ex never did, so I had to take a mental step back and think of his point of view. Nobody should have to do that, especially if such thoughts are incorrect. In my case, most weren't. But you letting him know upfront why you withheld would help, especially if he has an outbreak. That's when my (to be ex) found out, I saw the white mystery bump and questioned. He stayed by me, though long-term it's clear he just wants me for a cheaper rent so he can party more (while telling me he hates partiers) and for me to do tons of work for him for free. If he'd ever give me a chance to let me talk then we could have moved on together, but he doesn't deserve this relationship anymore... and I know that he'll be found out on other lies soon enough from other friends, who've strangely disappeared from my life so are they really friends if they're going to take only one side of the story? Like your friend who was such a jerk to say you had something but never bothered to say the most important detail, these people are not friends. Heck, they don't even quality as human beings in a civilized world.

But you've got to let him know regardless of what happens, it could be worse if he gets something -- he could accuse you, wrongly, of infidelity. Unless you're in an open relationship?

So, in short, my two cents' worth is to tell him upfront with the complete truth - you were afraid he would reject you. Note that if he tests negative, there are precautions that can be taken. I do think your relationship is salvageable, if he's open to education and believing what you say when telling him. Tell him the whole story and, unlike your other "friend", leave nothing out of the explanation.

I hope for the best, and I hope someone else has or will chime in with better advice that is easier to discuss with him.

Worst case scenario, I've been looking up herpes dating sites, and when I re-open my old dating profile will explain upfront why I have what I have. That's the truth we must all share from the outset, if we truly care about other people and potential partners. If more people did that, and if more people knew about diseases and how to control and/or not spread them rather than stigmatize and stereotype, we'd all be better off.

I just read others' responses: SheIsBlue said it the best, I think... honesty and trust, tell upfront every detail and why you were scared to say anything before. And calmly, with humility and humbleness. But there are pragmatic solutions and ways that you both can remain a couple. He might be taken aback first, but should realize there are far worse situations. Your telling him everything (unlike my ex to me) should hopefully have a better outcome as a result.

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