So I dropped the ball...

[jsm51]

I contracted herpes 2 years ago a month after I lost my virginity. My boyfriend at the time and I broke up a couple weeks later because of other reasons. I haven't told anyone else, not even my best friend, and this is my first time ever posting on a forum like this so I've just been dealing with it alone and I wasn't sure how to open up about it. A few months ago I started dating someone and we have had sex a few times but I just recently told him last night. I know I should have told him a lot sooner but I don't know why I didn't. I guess I was scared to lose him which is super selfish of me and I know it's not a good excuse but now I'm wondering if he will be able to forgive me. I made sure to use a condom every time we had sex but I've been reading some articles lately that say they aren't all that effective. Can someone please tell me what the chances are of him contracting it even though we used that 'protection'? Also, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any insight as to what might be going through his head or advice as to what I should do now would be greatly appreciated.

[JBnATL]

Hi there, welcome to the website. This website has the most accurate information about this virus and the people here are great.

Don't beat yourself up, yes you should have disclosed prior to having sex, but you are a human and humans make mistakes. Learn from this and if the situation arises in the future make sure you tell prior to any physical contact. Hopefully he will realize you made a mistake and forgive you and move on. Chances are he already has it (90% of all adults have the herpes virus) but you disclose in the future.

Here is a link to a great infographic which talks about transmission rates:

http://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

And here is a link that puts those statistics in every day words:

http://www.dynamiclear.com/herpes-blog/facts/herpes-transmission/

Come to the Chat Room, there you will find many nice fellow Herpsters who can offer you their support!

JB

[HerpedUpOne]

I contracted herpes 2 years ago a month after I lost my virginity. My boyfriend at the time and I broke up a couple weeks later because of other reasons. I haven't told anyone else, not even my best friend, and this is my first time ever posting on a forum like this so I've just been dealing with it alone and I wasn't sure how to open up about it. A few months ago I started dating someone and we have had sex a few times but I just recently told him last night. I know I should have told him a lot sooner but I don't know why I didn't. I guess I was scared to lose him which is super selfish of me and I know it's not a good excuse but now I'm wondering if he will be able to forgive me. I made sure to use a condom every time we had sex but I've been reading some articles lately that say they aren't all that effective. Can someone please tell me what the chances are of him contracting it even though we used that 'protection'? Also, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any insight as to what might be going through his head or advice as to what I should do now would be greatly appreciated.

Fear of rejection is often the reason why people hide their status, but as my counselor has told me, people should always tell everything they have upfront. Though even for hook-ups, it seems pretty vile to not discuss things beforehand.

One can not have symptoms present and still spread it.

Frequncy of sex, prodome, etc, all increase chances of spreading even though there are no blisters.

Condoms are not effective because HSV is its own boat, being swept by the sweat as a makeshift waterfall to the proverbial land of the lost (the new host that HSV gets to party on). Let's say we've got heterosexuals-- a woman, "down there", has HSV. With the flat surface, being an input and not an output, and lots of sweat during the act, it's not going to be hard to spread it all over a man's groin area where it's going to find the most likely place to build a nest (the glans, under foreskin, to use technical terms atypically). It's also not inconceivable that a male, with HSV1g on his head for example, could possibly (but not nearly as likely) spread it if the condom is loosely fit on his head and allows the virus to slip through into open territory then to meet when bodies touch. Chances with that are slim, but probably not impossible. (Yup, HSV1 is typically cold sores on the mouth, but can indeed build a hotel on a man's penis and becomes HSV1g - for "genital", and viruses will always try to mutate between hosts, adapting, and prosper. HSV1 managed it.)

Either gender can pass it to the other, condoms are less effective in some situations as opposed to others. If it's a consolation, people might know the other has something, use a condom, and - ding ding ding - they win it anyway, regardless of who gave it to whom...

[bayern77]

Fear of rejection is often the reason why people hide their status, but as my counselor has told me, people should always tell everything they have upfront. Though even for hook-ups, it seems pretty vile to not discuss things beforehand.

One can not have symptoms present and still spread it.

Frequncy of sex, prodome, etc, all increase chances of spreading even though there are no blisters.

Condoms are not effective because HSV is its own boat, being swept by the sweat as a makeshift waterfall to the proverbial land of the lost (the new host that HSV gets to party on). Let's say we've got heterosexuals-- a woman, "down there", has HSV. With the flat surface, being an input and not an output, and lots of sweat during the act, it's not going to be hard to spread it all over a man's groin area where it's going to find the most likely place to build a nest (the glans, under foreskin, to use technical terms atypically). It's also not inconceivable that a male, with HSV1g on his head for example, could possibly (but not nearly as likely) spread it if the condom is loosely fit on his head and allows the virus to slip through into open territory then to meet when bodies touch. Chances with that are slim, but probably not impossible. (Yup, HSV1 is typically cold sores on the mouth, but can indeed build a hotel on a man's penis and becomes HSV1g - for "genital", and viruses will always try to mutate between hosts, adapting, and prosper. HSV1 managed it.)

Either gender can pass it to the other, condoms are less effective in some situations as opposed to others. If it's a consolation, people might know the other has something, use a condom, and - ding ding ding - they win it anyway, regardless of who gave it to whom...

What about suppresion Therapy on ghsv1? what are the chances then?

[HerpedUpOne]

Reduced, but not down to 0%. There is always going to be a chance, albeit a small one, even with suppression therapy.

If people care about one another, they tell potential partners everything upfront - even if it's just casual sex. Partners still might not know they have something if they got it from someone else that didn't know (or lied), or think they might not be able to transmit when there are no symptoms/outbreak... It's still vile these viruses exist and nobody deserves them, but it's a fact of life.