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Need a large dosage of hope and forgiveness


learningtobreath

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Hi there, this is my story:

I met a cute/attractive girl several months ago, and we hit it off right away. After several weeks of talking and hanging out, we got intimate. We didn't have an intercourse; I just gave her an oral. After two or three weeks after that encounter, she called and asked if I had any "problems". I first got offended and mad that she even asked that question. I told her that I don't have anything and if I did, I would be the first one to want to know. After another week or so, she said her condition was getting worse and asked if I was sure that I didn't have anything. I told her that I was very sure and told her that I was going to get tested to prove it. She said she trusted me.

Fast forward few more days. She said she got her results back and said she was tested positive for genital herpes. She said I lied to her and ruined her life. She said she did not have sex for a long time and the only plausible explanation was that I had it. I fell into a deep depression when I received her text. Did I really have it? Who gave it to me? What the hell is going on? I seriously liked this girl and I couldn't believe I did something to hurt her so much. I don't know how many times I put a knife onto my chest wanting to end everything...

I began to go through my past partners trying to figure out who may have given it to me. During the next several days/weeks, I emailed my past partners asking them if they were OK. All of them said they did not have any symptoms and were OK. What the hell? What is going on?

After doing more research, I found out that cold sores was an HSV-1 type that can be spread to the genital area even when you are not showing any symptoms. I remembered that I had an outbreak of cold sores many, many years ago and did not have any symptoms at the time of the interaction. Does this mean that I am the one responsible for causing her this much pain? But how come none of my past partners have any symptoms? She said her previous boyfriend cheated on her multiple times with numerous partners and may have been the carrier. But the timing of it all seems to point the responsibility on me.

What is worse, I ran away from the whole thing. Instead of supporting her throughout the ordeal, I became scared and just didn't do anything about it. I mean, I didn't know what else to say except "Sorry". The more I texted her with "I am truly sorry, I had no idea" (she didn't want to talk on the phone), she got even more mad. She accused me of intentionally infecting her and accused me of going around infecting and ruining other people's lives. I mean, what else can I say except "I am sorry"? I eventually stopped texting her because I felt like every word I said/typed got her even more mad.

But after few weeks, she texted me and said she forgave me. I felt like a 20-ton rock just fell off my back. I thanked her for giving me another chance at life. We even got together (not sexually) and hung out several times before things fell apart again because of another issue.

Again, I ran away from the problem and from her. After not communicating for about a month or so, she texted me saying she had gone through hell the past two months and said I didn't even care and couldn't believe I would not tell her that I had a problem. I really didn't know what to say. I didn't know such thing about cold sores and my past partners didn't have any symptoms. I had been in a deep depression since the first text and couldn't stop thinking about her and the pain she is going through. (However, I knew she is going through much more since she is actually experiencing it.) I just replied with "I'm sorry" because I just didn't know what else to say. She texted back with more anger and kept on saying it won't fix her problem. For the next two weeks or so, she texted me with long messages saying I intentionally infected her, ruined her life, that I am a horrible person, and even that I belong in hell for causing all this. I tried my best to formulate my feelings into text messages since she would not pick up my phone calls. But what words can I type into my phone screen that will delineate my deep sorrow, sadness, regret, pain, depression, and all the "sorry's" to her? What words can I type that will at least soothe her a little bit? When I sent her my texts, she texted back saying that I was horrible for my short replies. She said she wanted to make sure I felt bad about what I did on purpose. But I didn't do that on purpose. What kind of psychopath would infect other people with such a thing?

So I am currently in a place of confusion, self-hatred, deep depression, and in a state of shock for causing so much pain on a girl whom I really liked. I don't even give kisses to my family members in fear that I may transmit something to them, and I don't ever want to date again. At this point, I really don't know what I am supposed to do and/or say to her. Every time I text her, it seems like I make her more mad. But when I don't text her, she texts me saying that I don't care and that I am a horrible, horrible person who deserves hell. What am I supposed to do?

Pheww.... if you read this far, I want to thank you for hearing my story.

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You've apologized to her enough. You didn't mean to pass it to her. It's NOT the end of the world for her. I got genital HSV1 from oral sex too. My partner didn't knowingly pass it to me either. Of course I was upset it happened, but I forgave him because I understood that many people with cold sores don't realize it's herpes and/or can be passed even without an active cold sore present. Also, as a sexually active person, it is equally my responsibility to find out if my partner has anything that can be passed to me, and I didn't do my research either. You've said sorry. It's her turn to take responsibility for her actions as well. I wouldn't say that to her though. Just continue being kind and compassionate towards her, and understand that she's dealing with reevaluating her self worth right now. Anything mean she says to you comes from her own fear. Forgive yourself. You did NOT intentionally do anything to her, and her life is NOT over. Once I got over my bad feelings about having herpes, I found that I could still have plenty of sex (even casual!) and love as I'd ever had. Tell her about this site if she will listen. The people here can give her support and show her that life goes on.

It takes a really caring person to seek out advice like you have. Don't stop dating because of this. In the future, just talk to your partners about the risk of passing it and let them decide how they want to proceed. Most people already get cold sores or won't care, especially if they see that you are honest with them and want to protect them. I wish you the best!

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You've apologized to her enough. You didn't mean to pass it to her. It's NOT the end of the world for her. I got genital HSV1 from oral sex too. My partner didn't knowingly pass it to me either. Of course I was upset it happened, but I forgave him because I understood that many people with cold sores don't realize it's herpes and/or can be passed even without an active cold sore present. Also, as a sexually active person, it is equally my responsibility to find out if my partner has anything that can be passed to me, and I didn't do my research either. You've said sorry. It's her turn to take responsibility for her actions as well. I wouldn't say that to her though. Just continue being kind and compassionate towards her, and understand that she's dealing with reevaluating her self worth right now. Anything mean she says to you comes from her own fear. Forgive yourself. You did NOT intentionally do anything to her, and her life is NOT over. Once I got over my bad feelings about having herpes, I found that I could still have plenty of sex (even casual!) and love as I'd ever had. Tell her about this site if she will listen. The people here can give her support and show her that life goes on.

It takes a really caring person to seek out advice like you have. Don't stop dating because of this. In the future, just talk to your partners about the risk of passing it and let them decide how they want to proceed. Most people already get cold sores or won't care, especially if they see that you are honest with them and want to protect them. I wish you the best!

Thank you so much November13. Your words are like medicine to my soul at this moment. I will take your advice to heart and, hopefully, one day I will be able to forgive myself and be able to find some happiness again.

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  • 1 month later...

Well, this is a horrible situation, as so many HSV transmittal situations are. I'm Sorry is about all that I can think of to say, except We can work this out together and I am with you to help you and we can help each other, but if the person is furious and hates you then those extra words have no effect. I agree with November 13. You've apologized enough. When she calls you to say that you don't care because you draw back when she berates you, then she's just continuously dragging you through the wringer. I know that she is in shock, but so are you though she doesn't believe that and doesn't care.

The sad thing about HSV transmittal is that most people can't be sure from whom it was contracted. This is because the time frame for the appearance of the initial OB is so wide. If she had the severe flu-like symptoms along with an OB after her encounter with you, then as you said that may point to you. But how do you know that she has been monogamous? How do you know that she didn't already have it, that maybe she contracted it years ago? This is just for you to consider, because if she believes and wants you to believe that you gave it to her, then nothing you say to her will matter. If you truly believe, aside from her berating words, that you transmitted it to her, then you'll just have to come to terms with it. It takes time. That's all. You told the truth, you had no idea, you didn't understand, you forgot about the cold sore OB, even if you had remembered before you got with her you probably would not have understood what could happen. You can't do anymore than realize the truth and share that, which you did.

But, you do need to decide if you deserve to be continually taken through the wringer of hate by her, and if not, how are you going to put a stop to it. It doesn't seem that you can help her right now. You've got to get your sanity stabilized so you can develop a good plan to manage your new life with the information you now have.

Take care!

Edited by Createss Galore
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