Gaaaahh

[Sillybrain]

So here I am for another rant and rave!

its only been two days since I found out about my infection and the thought that have gone through my head plus the bazillion emotions I have felt is crazy!

i get angry, sad, disappointed as I have only been intimate with my current bf. I was always so particular about oral sex and making sure he had no coldsores or anything untoward going on. Well that didn't help hey!

my partner is amazing but I can already tell he is getting annoyed at me because right now this is all that is consuming me. I am not myself right now but I know the old me will return when I'm ready. I'm scared I will push him away with my current moochiness and constant reading/talking about this topic. He said our sex life will only be ruined by me being moochy, not through him contracting it or me having outbreaks or whatever.

i haven't had a decent sleep since I have found out and will wake up with anxious tummy pangs, with herpes being the first thing that pops into my head. Everything in the outside world relates back to herpes for me and every person I look at, I wonder if they have herpes too (the genital kind that is).

i don't feel confident in my skin anymore, I was happy with how I was looking and feeling prior to this. Now every twang, twinge, flick, tickle, itch my brain straight away thinks 'outbreak.' I'm hyper alert to all of those sensations and I am scared these behaviours are here to stay.

any advice would be great!

[Mellisuga]

Hey Sillybrain,

 

I caught this off of my very first boyfriend too. It consumed me, because I had been a virgin for a LONG time, never enjoyed sex, was always super careful, and this was the final nail in the coffin. Catching herpes hit me really hard (I was in shock for a good two months).

I wasn't impressed with how he responded. He didn't want to talk about it, wanted to act like a "normal couple", and in fact, he even had sex with me two weeks after my diagnosis and I was in too much of a shock to say "no, I don't want to - I feel disgusting.". Needless to say, it was a relief when he DID dump me two weeks later.

 

The problem that you and I both had in these cases are boyfriends who want to be there with you - but maybe they feel ashamed themselves, or simply don't see it as a big deal. The reality of it is that something BIG has happened, and you need time to cope. You JUST caught this two days ago? If it doesn't bug you, awesome! However, that's not the case. HE has NO RIGHT to expect you to be normal. It takes time to get used to things.

 

Herpes is not a big deal. However, it affects people in different ways - if your boyfriend doesn't care to stick by you when emotionally things hit the fan, then he's not being a good boyfriend. Reach out and speak to a friend - ask them what they think of this situation. I guarantee, they will blame you less for what's going on, then they will your boyfriend. Right now, you need someone who understands you and will support you. If your bf is "annoyed" then he isn't making the effort to do right by you, in my opinion.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Mellisuga

[Mellisuga]

It's obvious that this diagnosis is bothering you. You need time to come to terms with it - you said it yourself.

The best advice I could give is to communicate this (what you've written here) with your boyfriend. Say that this is really difficult to cope with right now, and you need a break from sex (if that's what you need). You are welcome to discuss herpes as much as you want on our forums - in fact, come on over to chat! You can have a conversation with folks, and we don't mind talking about this at length either

Feelings and moods tell us that something is happening - if they are negative, then it may be that you aren't taking care of yourself in some way. I find that if I need to say or express something, and I don't, then I become angry - and that filters into all my other relationships. Think about what is causing your feelings and address them directly.

 

It WILL get a lot better.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Mellisuga

[Mellisuga]

Most people are hyper aware of every twitch and tingle when they are first infected. These behaviours go away, don't worry

[Sillybrain]

Mellisuga, thank you so much for your lovely words and story. I'm sorry you were thrown on this crazy ride because of a careless guy.

i have told him that it will take time and he said he understands that but constantly thinking or reading about it doesn't help. I know tha as well but for now, I don't know how else to deal.

i asked him what he would do if it were him in my situation, he said he wouldn't care as it is no big deal and that nothing has or will change between us. Heck, he even said he wouldn't care if he catches it off me and that he's probably already got it!

i appreciate his approach and I wish I could adopt it, maybe in time, but for now I'm stuck with my way.

i apologised to him for being like this but then thought that was silly, not that I'm blaming him in any way for what has gone on, but he is the reason we are in this pickle.

im painting him to sound like a jerk but he really isn't, he just thinks and reacts so differently to things compared to me. We have been together for so long, I'm scared of pushing him away is all.

i truly hope I get there! I need a decent sleep and some free brain time lol.

 

[Mellisuga]

You both just deal with things differently. Some people get over it, and some people need time to obsess over it. I'm the obsessing type too.

It's been almost two years since I caught it, and I can honestly say that I do very little research on the virus anymore. It's just the way you cope - your boyfriend can't possibly expect you to react to everything the exact same way that he does. He's not you.

I'm glad you had that talk with him. I hope he just acknowledges that this is a bump in the road that you both need to cross together. Here's hoping he really is patient and understanding - if you guys drift over this issue, again, I'd blame him more than you. You've shown that you're understanding, and you're communicating, so now its his turn to step up to the plate. Relationships aren't roses and sunshine everyday, it takes work.

Edited September 12, 2015 by Mellisuga