Trying to find my silver lining

[Sillybrain]

So it has been a week and 1 day since I was diagnosed with hsv1 genitally. The shock still hasn't worn off and I am slowly understanding that it will take time. It has only been a week but I have realised I need to find some positives to help me through and if I list them, it might be able to process it a bit better.

- I have an amazing partner, who can be impatient with me regarding this (he is the lucky type who processes things and moves on), is doing all he can to be there for me and try and make things as normal as possible. So I need to appreciate this because I know there are lots of people on here who are going at this alone.

- i feel different towards my partner in that I am envious of his carefree life, not having to go through this himself and how he doesn't have a care in the world. I was like him two weeks ago. My one fear is that I will push him away With how I am dealing with this. He has reassured me nothing will change and I know nothing has but I need time to realise this. Heck I should know it's going to be ok given how much sex we had during my outbreak

- I have type 1 down there and have a long standing hsv1 cold sore infection as well. I struggle with How this happened after being told I am immune or highly unlikely to contract hsv1 genitally because of my coldsores. My outbreak was so mild compared to even the mildest cases I have read about. If that is all it is going to be, then I can deal with that and from what else I have read, I more than likely won't have another outbreak. 

- will I be normal again in terms of the mental anguish/fog, the stomach churning anxiousness, constantly thinking about this, wondering if my bits are feeling normal or not, the 'firsts' ( I read in another post someone who was thinking about how certain things/events were her firsts with herpes, which I am doing), looking at everyone i come across and question if they too have genital herpes? According to everyone who has gone through this, including a friend of mine, yes I will be normal and I will be ok again.

- I currently do not feel attractive or sexy and I feel like my bits are manky. I have worked hard over the last year to change the way I eat and exercise and have noticed a lot of changes I am proud of. I feel like this has put a dint in all my hard work. These feelings will go away too and my partner has said to me that I am more desirable than he is regardless of what has gone on. I have had a week of very poor eating because I do feel hopeless and helpless but a change in thinking means I need to get back on  my old path because crummy eating isn't going to make this go away.

- I have so many questions about this but I am slowly starting to realise, no one can ever answer them for me. This virus does not discriminate nor does it make any sense which makes it hard when you need logic to process things.  I never cared about having oral coldsores so this shouldn't be any different.

- I feel alone but I know there are a lot of people who have either gone through or are going through this, so I am not alone and having a friend who has dealt with this makes it easier as they can relate.

- my dog. Wow, I never knew just how great dogs were until we got her. She knows how to make me laugh and smile in amongst my tears of sadness. She hates seeing me that way and does all she can to cheer me up. It's amazing.

- I just want to be past this. In fact I don't even want to be going through it, but unfortunately I am and I need to understand it will take time and I need to be kind to myself. As much as this forum has been amazing, I have been religiously checking it which I'm not sure is helping or hindering me. I need to spend less time on it and shift my focus.

i want to give everyone such a big hug and say it will be ok and actually believe it. There is a tiny bit of me that knows it will be ok and with each passing day, that feeling will grow. It just has to.

[Acesheart]

Wow ssweetypie you sound knowledgeable to me  ! It does get much better. Many will learn from your experience. GREAT post. Big HUGS Aces