i can't stop feeling sorry for myself

[flower petals 1]

I'm mad. I feel disgusted . Words aren't enough to explain what I feel . I've stayed in my room for three days taking xanx and sleeping because I can't face the way I feel. I've missed four days of work . And I feel like crap. I think of how things could've been if I would've done the right thing but I didn't . So here I am . And if I meet someone else I have to say I really like you .. you like me but I have herpes . I'm mad. But I'm hurt tto because the person who I got it from does not like me or care about me he used me for sex... And even tho he knew he didn't like me like that he had sex with me unprotected several times for close to 2 years.. But in the end it is my fault . I feel tainted . And I want the chance to be a good girl to be someone who someone loves and worthy. But I feel used. I was used. And ugh

[girlygirl702]

I feel the same way especially when you know your a good person it's like I'm a awesome ass person but whose going to want to take a risk on me smh I totally understand 

[flower petals 1]

Your so right . And it feels like so bad . Like why . 

[VVK]

flower petals, as you got diagnosed via IgM blood test, you shouldn't assume that you have HSV just yet. IgM can often provide false positive results, so hold on and get a proper IgG blood test in a few months to confirm whether you have HSV or not.

[HerpedUpOne]

I felt pretty much the same way as you, and despite 2 years of having it, I still feel icky in filling out medical and dental forms saying I have it.  Those that treat me like a leper I almost wish would get it so they know how it feels like, or at least read up on the thing so the stigma behind the disease can be dealt with -- even then, I've done a ton of reading and still feel emotions that are uncalled for because they're not true.

But do consider:

1.  Condoms don't always protect against herpes.  That's been proven.  

2.  You're not at fault.  It is an individual's responsibility to be tested AND it is an individual's responsibility to inform others where appropriate.  You have done nothing wrong.  You have done nothing wrong because you were clean and it was the other person's responsibility to tell you about having it.

3.  Herpes, type 1 in particular, is very common nowadays.  Sources claim 50 to 90% of the population has it (either on lips, genitals, or even eyes or interior of nose).  Heck, I never got it until age 40, and the person who gave it to me should have said he had it instead of saying he was clean.  After my first OB, he said he thought he was an asymptomatic carrier and didn't realize he could spread it.  2 years later he said that when he gets outbreaks he uses whatever to treat the symptoms - um, which is the truth?  Or did he have a few dozen outbreaks he never told me about over those 2 years?  Of course, the ex is also an alcoholic and I doubt his high tolerance levels are going to last much longer, but I digress...

 

And, to be frank, we who have it must tell it upfront - to not do so invites lawsuits over lack of disclosure, intent to harm (by not speaking up), et cetera.  Some people don't know they have it, but others - like my ex - are sociopaths and will hide their status because their irresponsibility hurt others as a result.  Others who are not sociopaths might genuinely feel guilty, but it has got to be told - 100% truthfully - before anything happens.  If we value the life of others, we must.  (I did a google search once; people have sued their partner for acquiring herpes, HIV, whatever, and won - even though the jury said the person receiving it had a responsibility that, certainly for the case of herpes, shows their ignorance.  Condoms are not effective when the virus swims over via sweat to find a new home on the new host's body.

Most importantly:  Also consider that many who have it don't even know it and how it is still all too common that herpes STD tests are not done during STD screenings (odd, but true).  So some of my generalized harshness is excessive, at least until the medical industry makes complete testing truly complete.

[HerpedUpOne]

Your so right . And it feels like so bad . Like why . 

The reason has a lot to do with the stigma behind STDs and sexuality in general, while forgetting that it is not the gender or orientation or monogamy-vs-polyamory, it is really about the knowledge (or lack thereof) and being responsible in telling others upfront that has more to do with STDs being spread. And when we are otherwise careful and get tripped up by some self-centered using abusive jerk, that's when we really feel icky - because we trusted and they lied.  If it's a crime to trust, then how far would we progress as a society even species?  Not very far, to say the least.  No, the crime is the person knowing and not telling (even if believing there is no active contagion, one still has to tell beforehand.)