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Love doesn't conquer all unfortunately


Coppertone3k

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I have been seeing a beautiful girl for the past 6 month. She is clean and I am hsv2 +. 

I disclosed to to her before we had sex and she said it wasn't a big deal. We have had a normal loving relationship. I have thought many times about marriage and kids with her. 

But it recently reality set it. I came to realize that I can't have kids by ejaculating into a condom and then her putting it inside of her. And the thought of using condoms for the rest of my life is unbearable. And I know I could never live with myself if I ruined her life by giving her the disease. 

Last night we were having sex and she stopped because she thought the condom broke  it didn't but it killed the mood. No matter what happens between us we will have this huge problem looming over us  

i have decided that I am going to have a talk with her this evening. I am going to explain to her that I think it is too difficult and risky for us to continue having so much sex because I am putting her at risk every day.

i am going to tell her that I want to keep seeing her but I want her to start to see other people. She is 28 years old, super smart, beautiful and successful. It is selfish of me to take keep her from potentially meeting a mate who is clean like her that she can have children and a happy life with.

i don't want to see anyone else I have way too much emotional baggage. But I love her and I want the best for her. And I am mature enough to recognize that I am not the best match for her,

 

i am am sure she will be upset but I have thought about this for a while and this is the best option for us both.

it sucks because I know we could be happy and if I was clean we would very likely get married and have kids. But the reality is I have an incurable disease that I never ever want to pass to her. 

I am sure I can find a partner who has the disease I have. I am certain I won't love the way I love now but at least I won't have to stress about giving her something.

i know other people on this forum have found love and chosen to stay but I cannot live with that decision.

life is good and I am sure we will both be happy one day but separately. I know it is nieve of me but I hope to maintain a friendship with her.

this is Very difficult but I know I am making the best decision for us both and I thought I would share 

please wish me luck

 

 

 

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Both of you have a false sense of security thinking that a condom is going to protect her from getting HSV. A condom doesn't cover the entire area that could be shedding the virus. The process of transmitting HSV to another person depends on many factors that have to be just right in order for it to happen. Realistically, the odds of it happening are very low unless you have an outbreak while being intimate. Yes, it can happen but it's like playing a lottery that you don't want to win: you're still highly unlikely to win that lottery. However, that doesn't stop people from day-dreaming about what might happen and what they would do if they won that lottery.. except here the daydreaming is in reverse, where the thinking is somehow that the whole value of your human relationship is not worth the risk of getting HSV.

Having said that, you have internalized a particular view of your condition. You think that someone who doesn't have an STD or who specifically doesn't have HSV is "clean". I don't have all the details of your experience with HSV, but for the vast majority of people affected, HSV is nothing more than a skin condition which rarely shows up if it even does at all. It's a pretty crappy payout for the "reverse lottery".. a prize that is unreliable and mostly doesn't even show up. I also don't know how she and you have determined that she is "clean". Did she take an IgG blood test that confirmed that she is negative for both HSV1 and HSV2? Finally, regardless of the answer to the previous question, I am all for your choice to leave this girl, but for different reasons.

Edited by VVK
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Coppertone, I have been in a similar situation so I know what you are going through.  However, relationships are built on love, friendship, trust and honesty and if you have all that, the herpes shouldn't matter.  Before you ditch what could otherwise be a wonderful relationship, sit down and have a conversation with her and see what she is thinking.  A premature decision on your part might be a huge mistake.  Chances at love don't come around very often.  I say, put your fears aside and enjoy your relationship.

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Noooooo don't do this! Talk to her about your concerns but don't end it! Let her decide if it's worth the risk to her. I bet being with a guy that she's a future with her is worth it.

Why not try taking a daily suppressive med instead of using condoms once you decide to have a baby (if you still want to use extra protection at that point)? I believe it's supposed to be just as effective as using condoms. 

 

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Hey, Copper just let me first say welcome. Then let me tell you I gave my NOW husband a choice and we have a daughter too. He chose me just as I chose him. You CANNOT say what you two have is true LOVE if your so willing to throw that away. NEXT let me tell you she may be clear, but we are all very clean ;) !  Yes, you are clean and coming from a personal experience with a husband (who is still non h man) who was given the choice, you are being slightly selfish by making this choice for her. Would you want her to end this LOVE if the shoe were on the other foot, meaning she was in your situation? We tell friends here never settle for less than you would give, I think your doing her a GREAT injustice by making this choice for her. Just my observations. Think before you ruin her heart over your own confusions. Hugs Aces xo

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Hi Copper tone. ..I know that it is hard loving someone and not wanting to hurt them in any way...but you have to realize that your decision is also hurting her.  Firstly, if you told her you were infected and have been having regular sex for 5 or 6 months, then she is aware of the risks.  If she was concerned about the condom breaking, it could be concern over pregnancy and not so much over Herpes.  You didn't mention if you are having oral sex ... her to you, because if you are, she is already exposing herself.  Also, as stated by another member, condoms don't protect totally.  However, on antivirals your risk of transmission drops to 2%.  And to 1% chance WITH a condom.  And in truth...this was more of a chance than most of us on here were given because our partner was unaware or didn't care if they gave it to us.  WE didn't have a choice.  Talk to her and let HER have a choice.

 

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What if you "let her go" and she ends up getting H anyway? There is actually a higher chance that she will get H from the average man, than from an H+ man who uses condoms and takes meds for suppression . . . why? Because H is not uncommon at all, and most people don't know they have it, so the risk of passing it on is actually higher for the general population than for someone who has it and knows it and takes precautions. So if you broke up with her, and she started seeing other people, you would probably be INCREASING her risk of getting H . . . now that would be stupid . . . becasue how could you live with yourself if she got H from someone else becasue you broke up with her? What is she supposed to do? Screen all of her potential dates for H by blood test before sleeping with them? Just so you can have a "clear conscience"? Do you think anyone actually does that? I think you have some serious self-esteem issues to even contemplate breaking up with someone just becasue you think that they are "too good" for you . . . it might be true that you fall short somehow, but it wouldn't be due to H, most likely it would be due to your mental issues and insecurities . . . that's a drag on any relationship, but on the plus side, if you make enough mountains out of molehills, she will probably come to her senses eventually and dump you herself, in which case you won't need to worry about the "letting her down easy" conversation or whatever . . . so good luck!

Edited by TheBoz
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Felt kind of compelled to post.

Honestly, we take risks on a daily basis. Risks every time we leave our homes, every time we get into a car, every time we eat a nice rare steak. A lot of times we take risks for things that we don't even particularly want to do - not sure a lot of us particularly love our jobs :).

If  both you and her are aware of the SLIGHT risk, for something potentially and from the sounds of it amazing. Exercise some perspective. As many have echoed here you can take AV, which will protect you just as well if not better than condoms. 

From personal experience. The thoughts do exist. What if I give, what if I get. But they get less. As time goes by its just a fleeting thought, with the realization that even IF it does happen, your love and relationship will persevere 

Edited by CanBro
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  • 2 months later...

Hey,

I am a huge romantic at heart.  If I loved you, this disease would not matter.  Both of you could be practical and go thru the rest of your lives searching for the person that completes you and never find it.  You can get pregnant safely and if she eventually gets it, then are you worth it?   Let her have a say in the matter.  Where is love and romance.  If she was in a car accident and became paralyzed, would you stick with her?  This is a skin disease. I know you hate the condom thing, but if you take antivirals and practice safe sex during outbreaks then maybe all will be ok.  It's not definite because of this whole shedding thing but let her decide if your worth the risk.

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  • 4 months later...

Yup . date one who wants it . lol .  well if you feel all healthy . blow it rate in their when you feel like your old self just not when even might be coming .  probably cleaner than you think .  problem with most disease is stigma and miss information . yes most are catchy as hell . most treatable and go away .  I did all sorts of stuff with a hot gf .  no problems . during  my good health streaks . easy to have a kid . just do it in healthiest days ..  That simple .  if you hardly ever have out breaks your just hurting your self from fear . fear what's leads to worse choices . engrained from school and doctors or reading .  instead of options and reality . bad disease but when you feel healthy and look over before you have fun .  should be fine .  problem is mostly when one person has prodrone or symptoms and do it any way .  that's how it goes round and not telling you . good luck !!! 

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Love never wins or works . reality is location and timing over rides .  anything can work and nothing's easy . easier if you are together .  you never win . money world . people go for security a lot of the time .  seen it a million times then flirt with fun guys . most people end up with wrong person from timing and complications of dating .  no worries man .  travel or vacation spots .  meet a lot of great matches if you want real love .  need options in your favor and get out of the local box if a small area .  all good .  you be okay either way . peace .  go to Europe or Australia . tons of hot women under socialism usually .  usually don't judge by your job . go to poor countries . Bulgaria .  always a answer .  go on those trips so many women good girls have to be aggressive .  hang in their . hot as hell but I suffered from small town disease . to much comp . nasty games . half related to most . lol . fun topics .. 

 

 

 

Edited by cowpoke02
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I have been with 2 guys unprotected and no anti virals . tell her not to shave as it needs an opening to get in to infect her.  It can't go through the skin alone it's 2 thick I read!!!  Take suppressive meds at first. just don't end it 

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Barrier for passing it I have read on here. I shave to just not my labia. Plus every ingrown hair I think is herpes was my first reason.

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On 08/05/2016 at 8:59 PM, cowpoke02 said:

Love never wins or works . reality is location and timing over rides .  anything can work and nothing's easy . easier if you are together .  you never win . money world . people go for security a lot of the time .  seen it a million times then flirt with fun guys . most people end up with wrong person from timing and complications of dating .  no worries man .  travel or vacation spots .  meet a lot of great matches if you want real love .  need options in your favor and get out of the local box if a small area .  all good .  you be okay either way . peace .  go to Europe or Australia . tons of hot women under socialism usually .  usually don't judge by your job . go to poor countries . Bulgaria .  always a answer .  go on those trips so many women good girls have to be aggressive .  hang in their . hot as hell but I suffered from small town disease . to much comp . nasty games . half related to most . lol . fun topics .. 

 

 

 

This isn't an option to most. I come from a small area. Im not him he move to Bulgaria to find love. My job is here 

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 I know if I could of traveled when I was younger or had help I could of married a few great matches . would of had wicked life .  need money . realize you don't need much and get thrifty .  but health bills taxes can crush it too .  also need a place to come back to and get started .  anything can work . you have to plan and work on getting moved to them or you .  

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    • WilsoInAus
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    • WilsoInAus
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    • WilsoInAus
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    • kpn
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    • CHT
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