still shy....

[Ambrosha]

I am still upset at myself for being diagnosed by an actual Dr. . I knew exactly what this was apon my first sore. I feel like i am now apart of some eventual black listed goverment ralster. I am also not a fan of pharmasudicals. (please forgive my spelling, i'm terrible at it) Anyway, I drink everyday and i'm a heavy smoker. It has been the fuel i have ran on for years and as far as any research i've done, it sounds like it is not going to aid me what so ever on any level of suppressing this homepathicly,(is that the word? u know what i mean..). Not only that, but i cry all the time when i've got a couple of glasses of wine in me & i'm by myself thinking about this. It has been a month since i balled my ass off to a guy, i really only knew for a couple of weeks, that i was sleeping with that i thought i had something. I went to planned parenthood the next day. I was a mess and emotional, but i felt like the doc. just wanted to get me out of her office. When i inquired about medication or other health risks that could be involved she told me to come back and see her when i had insurence. I haven't heard from that guy since that night. I wonder if it was him-even though we used condoms a lot of the time-ha-i'm a dumbass or if he hates me now for giving him the gift that keeps on giving? I did have a stormy relationship 2 yrs ago with a guy i lived with who had said his ex had it, but that they were always educated about it and he was clean? I feel like it doesn't matter from where, how or whom-I've had partners since, they have had partners since...I know now that i have Herpes. One minute i want to shout it! Next minute i want to deny it and never let another human being be intament with me again! I'm not even sure how i feel about putting this long winded paragraph out here. I guess i won't be drinking caffine or ordering my sandwiches on wheat anymore....???the alcohal? I'm still clinging to it. I feel like a selfish dumbass feeling like i don't want to live anymore. it's all realitive, right? I really do appreciate the personal accounts of those who have been able to move on and live fullfilling lives!!!!! thanks for allowing me to spew...

[bluefrog]

well, you can beat yourself up over this, but it will get you nowhere. we all have vises, maybe try giving up the smoking-it could be a good thing! I would not stop eating certain things or drinking wine (moderately) if you do not have too many obs. you have to learn what triggers your obs, then adjust your lifestyle, eating habits accordingly. you found a great site. hang in there, eat healthy, take the recommended vitamins and minerals.

as you know, there are many success stories out there. you will find true love, you will live a normal life, you will just be careful who you tell and when you decide to tell.

hang in there.