not sure what to do now

[nelle]

I've just joined and am hoping I can find some sort of resolution or somehow just come to terms with this whole herpes thing and how to live with it. I discovered that I had it probably about a year ago within a pretty lousy relationship that I was in and, following the demise of this relationship, am feeling very ambivalent.

Though I signed on for being involved with that man and am accountable in that respect, he ran a bit of a 'number' on me and I can't seem to imagine being involved with someone again, least of all when I have herpes. Part of me feels like I should requite myself to the idea that I shouldn't ever have sex again. After all, prior to this diagnosis, there was no way in hell I ever would have signed on for sex with a person who had such a stigmatic affliction. (please don't hate me for saying that!!)

And now that I have it, I don't want to give the condition or the shame and loneliness of it to anyone else. Part of me feels like I should just try to shut that part of myself off (which I think, to an extent, has happened), but I still feel the 'normal' feelings and attractions that I've always felt and, at this point in my life, with regard to wanting to have a relationship and be in love, I now feel very conflicted.

I still occasionally flirt, but, especially now, keep everyone "at arm's length". I am already afraid of intimacy, but this whole thing makes it all far worse as now I dread the notion of coming to a point where I care about someone and then have to have 'the talk' and ask him to put himself at risk, just to be with me. I don't want to do that to *anyone*, least of all someone I care about. And, even beyond trying to reconcile all of that, there is the very real possibility of rejection and feeling like no one will ever want to be with me because of this.

I also feel guilty, though, (not to mention lame) for pitying myself when there are people who suffer from far worse in life.

I really wish there was a switch to turn off sex drive and the desire to really connect with a person.

[bluefrog]

I am sure I can speak for most of here; feeling like you do. It will get better. You will meet somebody, some day. I keep everybody at arm's length right now too. However, it is nice to get the attention, have somebody be interested in you, check you out, etc.!

I went from a horrible relationship to dating somebody who I trusted, who gave me herpes. Nice huh??? Oh well, live and learn.

It does take a while to accept and readjust and live with herpes, but it will happen. I had my first ob in April 2007. Have had symptoms (prodome) since then. Until I had my second ob, about 2 and half weeks ago, I was not able/willing to accept the fact that I have herpes. I suppose that second ob = reality = and I am doing much better now, mentally, than I was. Guess I needed that "slap in the face" to "wake me up".

Sooo, I trusted somebody, the relationship was basically all about sex (shame on me, sad but true) and because of it I have herpes. Granted the jerk should have been honest with me, but that is the risk I took (wish I knew then what I know now).

Point being, I have herpes and I will survive, and live and be happy and eventually, when I am ready, meet somebody, as will you!

[Caliope]

nelle,

For starters, welcome and I hope you'll find this site to be a source of personal support while you come to terms with hsv.

Even without hsv relationships that are not healthy can leave someone with scars and baggage which can keep you from moving on to new relationships and even cause you to isolate yourself into a protective cocoon.

Years ago I left an abusive marriage and it took me quite a while to decide that I wanted to try out a new relationship, little did I know that my ex had given me hsv. I mistakenly began dating someone who was equally if not worse for me than my ex and it left me with a sick feeling in my stomach and I decided I'd never date again which doesn't make sense for an attractive successful woman in her 30's. I spent at least a year completely single and got to know myself and what I wanted before I considered dating again. It helped me learn not to take myself for granted or to let myself be taken in by smooth talkers. I also learned what my boundaries were and when to say when.

My best advice for protecting your heart and telling someone about hsv is to let the relationship progress slowly according to your time table not his. Don't compromise your feelings or let things become uncomfortable. Don't think you need to rush into sex or a quickie disclosure. When you do feel that it is time to go that one extra step ask him where he sees the relationship going, ask him to tell you what it is he is looking for and how long he expects that to take. Ask him specifically about his std status and if he has been tested and if he is comfortable with condoms etc. If you get the answers that you are looking for and you trust him then you would be safe to disclose your hsv status. There is no reason to expect to be rejected and there is no reason to believe that hsv will force you to be single forever.

[awake67]

Refrain Poor Me

Hi Nelle,

I do agree with Caliope very much.

YOU are in control of your life; your thoughts, words and actions to be exact. You need NOT answer to no-one. When you meet a prospect, use your discernment until you are sure that he is worth your confession of having hsv.

Right now your reaction to having herpes have placed you in a "slump;" ashamed of who you are and what you carry. With your thoughts against yourself, you have created a barbed-wire fence between you and any future prospect (another word is "fear").

I suggest instead to positively consider the blessing in disguise for carrying herpes. For one thing, you will weed out all the shallow people who just want the obvious when attempting to court. In fact, you will know who they are and just ignore them.

This leaves all those eligible bachelors who desire a serious loving relationship. Some of them are mature and some are not. The challenge is to meet the best bachelor for you: mature, loving, patient, understanding, best friend, sexy, the whole package.

IN ORDER to find this person, YOU need to learn to open your heart again. Yet another challenge.

With Loving yourself, letting go of the "baggage" negative emotions, knowing that you too deserve the best of the best, being strong and confident in yourself, you will find your Match Made in Heaven.

FAITH, LoVE, Hope, TRUST, Courage, Strength, Patience, discipline, Love

[York]

Found out today...

Hi,

Yes, I was recently in a relationship for 3+ years with someone I thought was monogamous. He broke the news to me recently that he had an outbreak and got tested for HSV2, which came back equivocal (uncertain?). He did, at that point, admit to having sex with two other women recently. Anyway, we broke up, and I was honestly so afraid to get tested. When I did last week, the tests came back positive for HSV2 (neg for HSV1). I don't know if he ever went back to get retested because I didn't talk to him again, but I called him today and left a message. We'll see what comes of it.

The really scary part is.... I haven't had any outbreaks at all, ever. I got this test done only because of him. Truthfully, I don't know when I was infected (by him, or years ago by someone else). I've had very limited sex partners who were monogamous, but then again, I thought he was too, so.... who knows? I guess I'll never know.

It's just awful...

[Damaged]

Nelle,

Great post. You have managed to help explain my own frustrations and fears. I feel exactly the same. I am so sad not to be able to have again unprotected sex. I do feel dirtier that a prostitute and am one who tends to be forever single. It just sucks.

With this curse I have become a fabulous flirt whereas before I was more reserved. H is great for not be allowing any further passions to overtake the situation. Wooohooo!

I pray I find that one, who I will feel confident to go beyond this hidden game.

Dynamiclear is great by the way.