Disclosed and regretting it... Kinda

[Diva78]

Was diagnosed with ghsv2 about 7 years ago. I remained in the relationship with my giver (who else would want to be with me) so I never had to disclose to anyone before.  We'll I met a guy 6 months ago and things took off so fast with us; he is perfect in every way. But I never found the nerve to tell him; didn't know how.  We've had 3 sexual encounters and although I told him we needed to use condoms, I never told him why.  And each time we had sex we did not use condoms because he didn't want to. 

Last week I couldn't take the guilt anymore so I disclosed via email.  He said he was going to get tested and needed time to process this. I've apologized over and over. I know I should've told him before we had sex;  I took away his right to choose.  I just miss him so much.  I haven't reached out to him because I don't want to push him. I've already been selfish enough. A part of me wishes I hadn't disclosed; I should've just enforced the condoms. But I know that's not the right thing to do either. Just miserable right now and needed to vent. 

[moonrae]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It's understandable that you'd be scared of disclosing for the first time after such a long relationship, especially with someone you felt so good about. I'm not excusing it; I'm just saying that I know how scary and difficult that seems and that you didn't want to hurt him.

If you've been seeing him for 6 months and want a chance at continuing the relationship, I think you owe it to yourself and to him to talk about this in person. I think facing the guilt/anger/fear/sadness together in person will help you both move on, as a couple, or on your own as individuals. 

 

Edited October 23, 2015 by moonrae

[Diva78]

Thank you Moonrae for the kind words.  

[Diva78]

Follow up post : what an emotional rollercoaster this is. Shortly after my last post he text saying we should talk. I agreed and told him that whenever he is ready to talk to let me know, as I was willing to do things at his pace. But when I didn't hear from him for quite some time I took that as an indication that I just needed to move on. Well after 2 weeks of the silent treatment he text saying he tested negative for ghsv2 but positive for hsv1. WHAT?!?!?  So now I'm going to get tested. This is just too much. I hadn't been tested since my initial diagnosis so admittedly, there is a chance I got it from when I was still with the ex and hadn't known. Ugh! So now I'm wondering:

1. If I am (-)hsv1/(+)hsv2 and he is (+)hsv1/(-)hsv2, can we transmit to each other? Is one of us more contagious than the other? 

2. If my hsv1 test comes back positive, is there a way to tell when I got it? Basically can I tell if I got it from him or my ex? I thought I read that if your igg numbers are high its a newer condition verses smaller numbers meaning you've had it awhile and your body is managing the virus.

I know these questions seem petty in the grand scheme of things but these are things he and I need to talk through and take into account about whether we should continue seeing each other.  I already feel like the pretty girl on the outside who is damaged goods on the inside.  But I don't want to feel like the leper in the relationship if I didn't give him hsv1 to begin with. 

[Free73]

It might be a silly question because i'm newly diagnosed, but why does any of this even matter? who gave who what, when, where.......why does it matter? 

Do you two see a future together? Are you compatible? Do you have the same values? Are you attracted to each other?  Ask yourself if wanting to know who has what is simply your ego wanting reassurance. Try and move past your ego..........we need to grow from this and rise above it.

 

Edited October 29, 2015 by Free73

[VVK]

How'd you get diagnosed with HSV2? Was it a blood test, swab culture, or what?

 

If he has HSV1, that's not unusual since many people carry HSV1 in the form of oral herpes / cold sores. You may or may not have HSV1 along with HSV2 - you need to tell us more about your tests and results.

 

If you're HSV1 negative, you can acquire HSV1 from him. If he's HSV2 negative and you're HSV2 positive, then he can acquire HSV2 from you. The numbers involved in the blood tests are not reliable indicators of when you were infected.

[Diva78]

It might be a silly question because i'm newly diagnosed, but why does any of this even matter? who gave who what, when, where.......why does it matter? 

Do you two see a future together? Are you compatible? Do you have the same values? Are you attracted to each other?  Ask yourself if wanting to know who has what is simply your ego wanting reassurance. Try and move past your ego..........we need to grow from this and rise above it.

 

hi free, yes I totally agree my reason to know is because of my ego. The outcome will not change the fact that I was wrong for not disclosing sooner. Mentally I've beaten myself to a pulp for being that selfish. I've been on such an emotional ride since all this started. He and I haven't had a sit down face to face talk yet (scheduled in the next few days) so I don't know where he stands with continuing the relationship. I really want to be with him, we are compatible in every way and truly enjoy being with each other. But I just don't see how he could ever look at me and not think "she gave me herpes" and still want to be with me. Which is why I wondered if he had it all along he wouldn't have those thoughts. 

This virus is much more an emotional/social burden than it is a physical one. I've seen lots of success stories on the site about couples finding love after H and singles dating without (or minimal) rejection. I hope once I get used to dating with hsv it won't be as hard for me. 

Thank you for your post. 

[Diva78]

How'd you get diagnosed with HSV2? Was it a blood test, swab culture, or what?

 

If he has HSV1, that's not unusual since many people carry HSV1 in the form of oral herpes / cold sores. You may or may not have HSV1 along with HSV2 - you need to tell us more about you.

I was diagnosed in 2007 by blood test Igg for hsv2 and was negative for hsv1. I found out my boyfriend at the time was cheating so I asked to be tested for everything by my obgyn during my well woman exam. I stayed in the relationship after I found out for various reasons. So this new guy is my first relationship after the ex-BF. I've been on antivirals for over a year and haven't had an OB in ages. 

[Free73]

I can just imagine how hard this is for you. Just be open with him and tell him why, make yourself vulnerable. Tell him it doesn't matter to you whether he has HSV or not and ask for forgiveness for not disclosing earlier (which it sounds like you have already done).

Don't beat yourself up any longer. As I said earlier, this virus will bring out our deepest insecurities and make us want to hide, withhold and deceive in order to preserve our already damaged ego. But the more we do that, the more we close ourselves off and build walls around ourselves. We have to come out from the shadows and show courage now more than ever.

Hugs to you

Edited October 30, 2015 by Free73

[scaredbuthopeful2015]

Hi so discouraged.  I'm sorry you are going thru this and I'm sorry we are ALL going thru this.  But I think in your guilt, you are missing one big fact.  HE is HSV1 positive...and did not disclose either.  I know he may not have known, but if he tested positive and you do not...he was also putting YOU at risk.  I know that 1 is way more common and that the stigma is not the same as 2...but my point is not to focus blame on one another...only that when we decide to be intimate there are ALWAYS risk factors.  Some are known and others are not....but ultimately we are responsible for our own choices. Condoms...no condoms.  Oral...no oral.  And like it or not, sleeping with a person means sleeping with all of their partners on some level as well.

[Taila]

You said who else would want you? 

The whole world would maybe. 

HSV 1 or 2 is not the end of the world, although initially, it can be seen as such. 

I have been through quite a few disclosing episodes and the rejections hurt like hell. Even to the point where I had an ex who ran off and told people about it. Mind you I live on a small island where everyone practically knows everyone else. So imagine that. It sucks it does but then again, I have come to see it like a  filter. Not everyone is going to want to accept it and well they are in their right to do so. But most of the time, the reasons why are silly and a lot of people don't know their status and they don't get tested for h. Your guy probably had hsv1 all along and didn't know it. 

 

[Diva78]

Thanks for the post Taila. The more I think about this the more it sounds like I gave it to him either way: if I had hsv1 all along and didn't know, and passed it to him via oral sex or he had ohsv1, passed it to me via kissing and then I gave it to him via oral. So I'm the culprit in any scenario. I just feel like shit bcuz had I disclosed before sex this wouldn't be as messy as its become. 

I don't think he will tell "my secret" to our peers but I do fear that he will treat my differently, and in some ways he already has and that hurts. This group has become such a great support system for me and I have learned so much. I want to tell him about it so he can see it for himself but I don't want to push him. He needs to be receptive to the information (I was in denial when I was diagnosed and didn't want help). What a mess I have made... 

[scaredbuthopeful2015]

I wish I can give you a great big hug my dear...just know we all make mistakes. ..just learn from this and move forward. ...and learn to love yourself again. 

[Want to be healthy]

To SoDiscourged, 

You did the wrong thing you were not honest to begin with and now have put someone else in jeopardy of catching this? This is exactly how I caught it by dishonesty, everyone has sympathy for you but I do not. He should tell all your peer's what you have and what you did. Sorry but you just gave a guy a non curable disease. Good that you see that's it's the wrong thing to do now I guess.

 

 

[Diva78]

5 hours ago, Want to be healthy said:

To SoDiscourged, 

You did the wrong thing you were not honest to begin with and now have put someone else in jeopardy of catching this? This is exactly how I caught it by dishonesty, everyone has sympathy for you but I do not. He should tell all your peer's what you have and what you did. Sorry but you just gave a guy a non curable disease. Good that you see that's it's the wrong thing to do now I guess.

 

 

Well lucky for me he is more understanding than you and has forgiven me. Our relationship is progressing day by day and while I regret not telling him sooner, I no longer feel sorry for myself nor do I let this SKIN CONDITION define who I am. My reason for not disclosing sooner was out of fear of rejection, not out of malice or ill intent. I never asked for anyone to condone what I did and those who offered support recognized that helped me to move on. Your bitter comment about telling my peers says more about YOUR petty character than me not disclosing sooner can ever say about mine. Have a nice life. 

[Want to be healthy]

Incredible.....YOU GAVE SOMEONE A NON CURABLE DISEASE!

Whether he forgave you or not YOU DID THE WRONG THING!!! 

It's people like you that spread the disease, maybe he forgave you because he feels like he won't be able to meet anyone else now? Who know's? Maybe if someone gave you HIV and said they did it out of fear of rejection then you too will be forgiving right?  My comment for him to disclose your disease and what you did to him was so YOU can wake up and never do it again!!! Petty character? You need to grow up. SERIOUSLY!

Edited November 23, 2015 by Want to be healthy

[New93]

There's no need to be so harsh about this. Yes, you should have disclosed to him, but what's done is done. All you can do now is disclose your condition to partners in the future. Don't beat yourself up about it though, that doesn't do anyone anyone any good.

[WilsoInAus]

1 hour ago, Want to be healthy said:

Incredible.....YOU GAVE SOMEONE A NON CURABLE DISEASE!

Whether he forgave you or not YOU DID THE WRONG THING!!!

It's people like you that spread the disease, maybe he forgave you because he feels like he won't be able to meet anyone else now? Who know's? Maybe if someone gave you HIV and said they did it out of fear of rejection then you too will be forgiving right?  My comment for him to disclose your disease and what you did to him was so YOU can wake up and never do it again!!! Petty character? You need to grow up. SERIOUSLY!

This is terrible and all rather false.

You will note that there is no evidence a transmission has even occurred.

Further, the OPs actions are entirely consistent with 95% of people who have genital herpes who make a choice, conciously or otherwise that disclosure is not required.

You will also note that the partner had HSV-1 and the OP had HSV-2 and neither disclosed. As far as I can see, no other STDs were checked for. This is not uncommon, and required in many cultures and poorer nations. The use of condoms all anyone can expect.

There is nothing to forgive or blame here regarding a silly, innocuous virus. All we are talking about here is cold sores.

[Want to be healthy]

This is my last response I have no interest reading anymore regarding this:

WilsoInAus: Many people have HSV1 but on there mouths not genitals. Silly innocuous virus? Let me tell you what HSV1 Genital has done to my life from a liar who I blood tested twice and even spoke to the doctor about it, claiming he suffered from only coldsore's but later admitting his ex girlfriend accused him of giving her genital herpes. Nearly everything is a trigger food, from bread, coffee, red meat, grapes (and the list goes on) Outbreaks last about 2 weeks and lingering predrome symptoms are daily whether a itch or soreness etc. I cannot exercise excessively as I get symptoms, I cannot wipe hard after using the toliet as it hurts daily. Some people hardly have any symptoms and therefore think the virus is nothing. When your in pain daily whether it be for 2 min or 5 min etc IT'S THE WORSE VIRUS TO HAVE!!! Coldsores on the mouth are so painful obviously you have no idea..... Prior to catching this I was never ever sick!

Any replies I will not open or read I cannot be bothered wasting energy to teach someone right from wrong or reading that it's only a skin condition ARRGGG

Edited November 23, 2015 by Want to be healthy

[WilsoInAus]

That is all entirely up to you. How you treat other people is also entirely up to you. There is no right from wrong when it comes to herpes. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

For some people, the contraction of herpes can be terrible. The vast majority will recover extremely well and will have minimal effects. I hope this will be true for you.

There is no difference in having oral or genital HSV-1, simply being infected or not.

[Sunflower379]

I totally feel your pain because I made a different but similar mistake. I had sex with my at the time ex boyfriend right after I met and started having sex with someone new. My ex was super in love with me still and had not done anything with anyone since we broke up. Two days after doing it, my outbreak started. Even knowing I most likely gave it to him he took care of me through an excessively painful outbreak. When I told the other guy he gave it to me he stopped talking to me. My ex and I are back together and even tho his outbreak was way more mild than mine I still feel super guilty! But what's done is done and I am lucky to have someone so loving and understanding in my life! Good luck in your relationship and forget the haters! 

Edited November 24, 2015 by Sunflower379

[Diva78]

Thank you and same to you Sunflower379. 

[TatsTastic]

Hi SoDiscouraged

I can understand how you feel. Hope you are feeling better now. I got this herpes from a guy I dated with and only a one night intimated.  I was angry with him at first that he did not tell me about it.  Well that was when I got Initial OB and was not educated enough about herpes. I turned to be ok after a month. I was not upset or angry at him no more as I thought it was my choice to go out and had sex with him.  In the bright side, I have met many herpsters. I have made some more nice friends and this skin condition would not worry me no more while I got these ppl supporting me all along. It was my choice coming this way, it meant to be and actually it is quite a nice society with sincerely and supports.

I did a talk to a non herpes guy. It was so difficult to tell him. I did not even wanna face him while talking. So I know exactly how you feel.  Chin up and keep on! 

 

 

[justanotherhchick]

I completely understand where you were coming from. I did the same thing with my boyfriend. I felt so guilty for not telling him and betraying his trust. Needless to say, he completely freaked out on me, and not because I didn't tell him before we were intimate (that part he understood) but because getting an STD was one of his greatest fear. It took some time for him to come to terms with my condition. Moral of the story, if the person truly sees a future with you it doesn't matter when you disclosed. It's a matter of whether or not they can accept the virus. 

 

Wish th you guys the best! 

[Diva78]

On 12/8/2015 at 1:55 AM, Sirenn said:

I completely understand where you were coming from. I did the same thing with my boyfriend. I felt so guilty for not telling him and betraying his trust. Needless to say, he completely freaked out on me, and not because I didn't tell him before we were intimate (that part he understood) but because getting an STD was one of his greatest fear. It took some time for him to come to terms with my condition. Moral of the story, if the person truly sees a future with you it doesn't matter when you disclosed. It's a matter of whether or not they can accept the virus. 

 

Wish th you guys the best! 

Well wishes to you too Sirenn and thank you for your post.