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Heartbroken All Over Again


disappointedandtired

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New to the site.  Never tried to connect for support before.  My ex-husband (who passed away last year) gave me HSV2 over eight years ago about a year into dating.  I believe now he either knew he was infected or obtained it shortly before I became infected.  He had a large problem with keeping his d*ck in his pants the entire time we were together, but I stayed because I was mortified that I had HSV2 and never wanted to have to explain that to a potential dating partner.  Still don't.  I was re-tested just to be sure last week and it was confirmed again.  I'm completely heartbroken.  We have a three year old daughter who I'm now raising without her dad.  I don't want her to see me alone and get some warped concepts about relationships, but I don't think I could ever have this conversation with another person let alone put someone I cared for in that way at risk of contracting HSV2.  I'm sad and angry and feel alone.  I'm such a happy person in general, but this breaks me.  I can't imagine another person wanting me if they knew and I certainly don't want to see another person's face when they find out.  I couldn't stand the rejection.

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Hi there, welcome to the website.  You have come to the best place to learn about what you have and to meet others who have it as well.  

Learn all you can about what you have and you should realize it isn't a big deal.  90% of all adults have herpes in one form or another.  Anyone who has ever had mono, chicken pox or a cold sore has herpes.  Most people get it from someone who does not know they have it because they have never had an outbreak and never were tested, so there is a good chance your ex-husband didn't know.

There is nothing wrong with having genital herpes, it is just a very common, mostly harmless virus.  I have given the 'talk' about a dozen times and have NEVER been rejected.  I know many people who also have never been rejected.  I have been on this website daily for over 6 years and have chatted with thousands of Herpsters and many of them have told me that getting genital herpes changed their lives for the better.

There is a section of this website you should check out called "The Secret to our Success" it contains hundreds of stories from people who thought no one would want them and ended up finding someone who did not care.

There is a social group near you of Herpsters who meet out occassionally at restaurants and bars, just to have a good time.  I will ask Jennifertigress to reach out to you.  She lives near you and also has never been rejected because of this.  

Come to the "Chat Room" there you will find many nice fellow Herpsters who can offer you their support.

Good luck!

JB

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Google Adrial Dale. He's got some great things to say and helped me feel better about having to have the disclosure talk. ... he's nice in the eyes too ;)

Has yet to happen for me but I'm more confident in my approach when the time does come.

I get u on the usual happy person but feeling broken. Felt the same way about a month ago. You'll see, now that you're finally reaching out, there's so much to be learned about this. Chin up girl, you got this ;)

 

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In addition to what has already been said, I think you may benefit from examining your perspective of rejection itself - not just as it applies to HSV but also just in general. There was a good video posted a while ago on here about a talk given by Jia Jiang. You probably don't know him but he's got a pretty strong message if you're willing to invest 12 minutes of your time:

http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Surprising-Lessons-From-100-D-2

There's a more lengthy video of a talk he gave at Google, which has more insights but is longer:

 

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Thank you.  I watched the video, long and short versions, and agree that he has a great message.  Part of losing my ex last fall has been for me to change the way I love and ensure I have no regrets.  Live for me.  Fuel my dreams.  Relationships though for me have always been an area that I struggle with.  I'm shy and when I give my heart, it's far and few between.  I've not ever been good with taking risks in that regard or even noticing if the opposite sex is interested in me.  Which is a total contradiction to the remainder of my outgoing and take charge personality.  My ex on the other hand could sense that weakness and thus utilized an all out assault of sorts.  At the end of our marriage, when I learned he had been diagnosed multiple times with both bipolar and borderline, I could better see the situation and the progression of our relationship.  Needless to say, I have shame, anger, hurt and a lot more.  I get that it is a virus.  I get that a lot of people have it or other versions.  It doesn't make me feel better though to think that I could be the reason someone else is saddled with the same issue.

 

As for whether or not my ex knew...he didn't flinch when I was diagnosed.  He didn't go out and get himself tested...ever.  He stated maybe his ex-wife gave it to him when she cheated.  After we divorced, I learned at his funeral that he hadn't told anyone he was dating that he had HSV.  And that was four women he chose not to tell...all who thought they were monogamously dating him up until he died.  And please note that I had NOTHING to do with those conversations or telling them about his HSV status.  In fact, the people who told me about the conversations were just giving a "warning" of sorts to the girlfriends as a notification that he had multiple partners and they would be prudent to get themselves checked.  I don't hate him.  He is the father of my child and I wouldn't change her being here for the world.  I am angry with him though for not respecting me enough to give me a choice, to tell me the truth, to not put my health at risk.  Thankfully, my testing results today showed everything else is negative, including HSV1.  And I've always been very asymptommatic, which I am thankful for.

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New to the site.  Never tried to connect for support before.  My ex-husband (who passed away last year) gave me HSV2 over eight years ago about a year into dating.  I believe now he either knew he was infected or obtained it shortly before I became infected.  He had a large problem with keeping his d*ck in his pants the entire time we were together, but I stayed because I was mortified that I had HSV2 and never wanted to have to explain that to a potential dating partner.  Still don't.  I was re-tested just to be sure last week and it was confirmed again.  I'm completely heartbroken.  We have a three year old daughter who I'm now raising without her dad.  I don't want her to see me alone and get some warped concepts about relationships, but I don't think I could ever have this conversation with another person let alone put someone I cared for in that way at risk of contracting HSV2.  I'm sad and angry and feel alone.  I'm such a happy person in general, but this breaks me.  I can't imagine another person wanting me if they knew and I certainly don't want to see another person's face when they find out.  I couldn't stand the rejection.

Hi disappointedandtired , welcome honey. I've had my Ghsv 2, got it from first husband after 4 months wedded, he is also passed, I can relate to many things in your story. But I just wanted you to know that getting herpes actually helped me find love and gave me a family I never had. I felt like you do and so have many here. My husband is still a non h man even after 26 years plus of marriage. My daughter is also negative. Life can and will what you make it sweety. Your daughter has wonder mother to teach her all she will ever need to survive. I disclosed to my daughter at 17 before she left for college. All her friends come to me for accurate information on sexual talks and stds. Trust me , love will find you and it will probably be when you least expect. It is also true that chances are high the next guys you meet will have herps in one form or another. If you ever need a shoulder or an ear, I have two of each and I'm told I give good support as well as good hugs. Take care sweetypie. Hugs Aces xo 

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As someone who was disclosed to, and noe married, I can tell you the respect and comfort of being with someone who I knew was always honest - even under unpleasant circumstances far outweighed any negative about the actual condition after about 5 minutes of research

:D

 

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As someone who was disclosed to, and noe married, I can tell you the respect and comfort of being with someone who I knew was always honest - even under unpleasant circumstances far outweighed any negative about the actual condition after about 5 minutes of research

:D

 

OMG your married!!!!!!! :D CONGRATS CANBRO!!

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    • WilsoInAus
      I really suggest that the best thing is for both you and your boyfriend to obtain the Westernblot HSV test. He has a 50%+ chance of being positive and you have a 50%+ chance of being negative. Only the Westernblot can sort this out for you.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @kpn the first thing to note is that it is all OK to have HSV-1 or indeed any HSV type. It is not negligence, it is just being human. Oral HSV-1 is not an STD in the sense that the primary transmission is non sexual and the majority of it occurs between parents to children. If any of your children contracted HSV, you would know it. It wouldn't be a silent infection for children. HSV-2 tends not to shed from the oral region for people who have it there in any event. At age 73, about 80% of the population has HSV-1. There is no reason to believe that your mother isn't one of those people. About half of all carriers of oral HSV-1 do not realise they have it and have no living memory of cold sores as they were infected when very young. The most logical explanation is that your mother has oral HSV-1 from her childhood and that your daughter doesn't have oral HSV. Not that it is relevant to anyone but yourself, but your wife might find she actually has genital HSV-1 having had an untyped swab when she was diagnosed.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @Dylan86 and welcome to the website. First note that you cannot pragmatically become infected with HSV-1 from sharing a drink. If you carry HSV-1, it did not come from that episode. As such it is extremely unlikely HSV-1 is the primary cause of your issues. Can the WB miss a HSV-1 infection? Rarely but its feasible in less than 1% of carriers who test with WB. Note that the WB does not have values, it has positive or negative as you say. It is way more accurate than IgG as it looks for all 30+ antibodies that are in your blood for HSV. Could you have HSV-1? Yes it is feasible, but it would be a very old childhood infection. Could HSV-1 be causing your oral issues? No herpes will not cause the burning mouth syndrome you describe. Could some of the lesions be herpes related? It is feasible if you are a carrier. But it is unlikely to be the primary cause of the issues, but its an opportunistic virus that can cause issues when something else is taxing your immune system. The best thing you can do is the PCR test on a oral lesion and that will be pretty definitive. Either way, in summary. I'd suggest there is <1% chance you are part of about 70% of the population that has HSV-1. Further there is less than a 1% chance that herpes is the primary cause of your issues.   
    • kpn
      My wife has had hsv 2 for around 8 years. We have two young children 3 years old and 18 months old. My wife only had one outbreak when she was first infected so we didn't worry too much about passing it on to our children. I understand the risk to be pretty low under those circumstances. I don't believe my wife took antivirals during either pregnancy. My younger child has diaper rashes pretty often and has had what I thought was hand foot and mouth disease. That was going around the daycare a while back. I haven't really given it much concern though.  About a week ago, my mother kissed my youngest on the lips. My kid was congested at the time but they pretty much always are. About 3 days later, my mother developed a cold sore on her mouth. She has never had cold sores in her life and she is 73 and happily married so she is not going around messing with anyone. She pointed to the fact she had kissed my youngest and presumed that is where she was infected. At first I said that's not possible since my child has never had any cold sores but since then I have really started to consider that maybe it is possible she contracted it from my daughter. This has me worried that my daughter does indeed have hsv2 and was shedding in her mouth. Does anyone have any experience with this? I am really losing sleep about this. Two people I care so much about got hsv from my negligence. I am fine if I were to contract it, I am not worried about what others think at this point in my life. I just don't want anyone else to have it. 
    • CHT
      Hello DavidGua.... based on the two pictures, I'm not seeing anything that resembles a typical herpes outbreak.  I am not sure what those spots are on your penis.  Please have a doctor take a look and I'm sure you'll get a proper diagnosis.  Have you ever received an HSV antibody test (IgG)?  Again, I doubt your symptoms are herpes-related but, if you'd like some peace of mind, you could request the IgG antibody test for HSV2.   Best of luck.... let us know if you have any other questions/concerns.
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