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Diagnosed then dumped

Fire Tiger

By Fire Tiger
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Fire Tiger Newbie

Fire Tiger

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Hi, I've just discovered this forum. It's good to feel less alone.

I was diagnosed 3 months back, when I unknowingly passed it onto my new boyfriend. He was super supportive at the time, he didn't blame me and I felt not great but able to deal with it, especially as my symptoms are so mild I didn't even realise I had herpes. Then out of the blue he dumped me, and then got drunk and blamed me for giving it to him. Then a very old boyfriend (who I told as a courtesy as I don't believe I had it when we dated but though it better to tell him just in case) had the same response: inital support, then drunken shaming.

I feel terrible, as well as the usual break-up loneliness and misery I am scared that if I meet people in the future they will have the same reaction. Some of my friends, who don't know about my status, are encouraging me to get out and flirt to help get over the breakup. That is how I would have acted before, except now I feel so unconfident and undesirable. Does it ever get better?

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lexyz22 Established Member

lexyz22

Posted
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Hi, I've just discovered this forum. It's good to feel less alone.

I was diagnosed 3 months back, when I unknowingly passed it onto my new boyfriend. He was super supportive at the time, he didn't blame me and I felt not great but able to deal with it, especially as my symptoms are so mild I didn't even realise I had herpes. Then out of the blue he dumped me, and then got drunk and blamed me for giving it to him. Then a very old boyfriend (who I told as a courtesy as I don't believe I had it when we dated but though it better to tell him just in case) had the same response: inital support, then drunken shaming.

I feel terrible, as well as the usual break-up loneliness and misery I am scared that if I meet people in the future they will have the same reaction. Some of my friends, who don't know about my status, are encouraging me to get out and flirt to help get over the breakup. That is how I would have acted before, except now I feel so unconfident and undesirable. Does it ever get better?

I got GHSV-2 from my ex-girlfriend, and while I do have similar feelings towards her of bitterness (for the fact she never took antivirals or suggested condoms), mentally I know this wont get me anywhere and I have moved on. I have never "shamed" her for what happened, but due to the pain i feel in my penis on a weekly basis, its normal to feel some level of bitterness about the whole thing. 

Regarding getting back into dating and sex. All I can say is PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE suggest condoms and use antivirals. Tell the person you suffer from coldsores and that its a normal thing, if they "reject" you then move onto someone else, they clearly lack the emotional maturity to be capable of dealing with such a simple skin condition.

In terms of feeling confident, well im sorry but its a win/lose situation, if you stay symptom free you will feel completely normal in time, but if you keep getting regular outbreaks then it will mentally beat you down so to speak. Stay positive, you dont have HIV, Hep C, Cancer, Downs Sydrome, Krohns Disease, etc etc etc, you have your sight, hearing, and full sense of the world. Just because your sex organs get a small red bump on them from time to time, it doesnt make you less of a person.

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Fire Tiger Newbie

Fire Tiger

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I got GHSV-2 from my ex-girlfriend, and while I do have similar feelings towards her of bitterness (for the fact she never took antivirals or suggested condoms), mentally I know this wont get me anywhere and I have moved on. I have never "shamed" her for what happened, but due to the pain i feel in my penis on a weekly basis, its normal to feel some level of bitterness about the whole thing. 

Regarding getting back into dating and sex. All I can say is PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE suggest condoms and use antivirals. Tell the person you suffer from coldsores and that its a normal thing, if they "reject" you then move onto someone else, they clearly lack the emotional maturity to be capable of dealing with such a simple skin condition.

In terms of feeling confident, well im sorry but its a win/lose situation, if you stay symptom free you will feel completely normal in time, but if you keep getting regular outbreaks then it will mentally beat you down so to speak. Stay positive, you dont have HIV, Hep C, Cancer, Downs Sydrome, Krohns Disease, etc etc etc, you have your sight, hearing, and full sense of the world. Just because your sex organs get a small red bump on them from time to time, it doesnt make you less of a person.

Thanks. I absolutely intend to disclose to any new partners. However the reaction from two people who both claim to care about me has left me feeling incredibly depressed about the whole thing. I have no bitterness about it towards the guy who, also unknowingly, infected me. He was regularly tested for stis but didn't realise HSV tests weren't included. What can you do? it seems that in part my ex's reaction stems from insecurity about my previous, not particularly exciting, sex life.

Unfortunately, I am unable to access antivirals at the moment, but I've been looking at other strategies for reducing risks of transmission. At the end of the day, for me it is a minor skin problem. I'm lucky outbreaks don't case me pain like yours does. The stigma is the causing me the real anguish.

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joeer120 Established Member

joeer120

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Posted (edited)

just wondering... Did your two exes ever get properly tested before blaming you? As you mentioned, you giver didn't know he wasn't tested for all STDs... 

I was very worried when I found out... My current boyfriend of 5 years i s negative... I asked my doctor if I should inform my previous 3 partners. His advice was no... Since I've been in a monogamous relationship for 5 years... Those previous relationship where way before ... He said, at this point, they may already have it and I may have not been the giver.... "It would be who gave it to whom blaming game" I wanted to tell them, because I thought at least I would definitely know who gave it to me.... 

My doctor just said, at this point... I have it and it doesn't matter who gave it to me

Edited by joeer120
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