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Wishing I had my old problems


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I can tell you the exact date and even time I was infected. And I have nobody to blame but myself... I was with my exhusband for almost 20 years. I went thru what I thought was the worst time in my life when he met someone else and left. After a couple years I finally found the strength and desire to move on. Started dating. Found a guy I fell in love with. It wasn't reciprocated. Ran across a beautiful man with many mutual friends on fb. Went out of my way to pursue him. He was hot and cold. Gave me lots of red flags and reasons to not even be remotely interested. But I only took that as a challenge. He was physically beautiful and charming and there were tons of women openly and blatantly chasing him on fb. And even though he was totally unreliable and clearly a womanizer, he wanted to go out with me. And in retrospect, I was clearly needing the validation of his attention... After waiting several hours 2 nights in a row for him, finally go out. Women are literally fawning all over him in front of me. All the men want to hang out with us. He's like a local celebrity. But I'm just there for arm candy. He barely even talks to me... Fast forward. I'm having a terrible time so I decide I'll just drink heavily since he drove. We end up having the worst sex of my life in his car after we leave. There was literally nothing redeeming about it. 4 days later, I still haven't heard from him. But I think I have the worst yeast infx of my life. End up at the clinic because I'm in so much pain and everything feels inflamed and angry. Get a full panel of std testing. All comes back negative, including no yeast or bladder infx. In my heart I already know this is going to be bad. But there's nothing else to test. To early for herpes blood test and no obvious visible symptoms of it. By Saturday I've never been in more pain, and now I wake up with visible blisters. It hurts so bad to pee, That I'm in tears, filling up a tub with water to pee in, then shower. Can't wipe. Can't sit. Hurts to walk. Have to go to urgent care. Dr takes one look and already confirms but swabs anyway. Start acyclovir. It's so bad the blisters are all over the outside and the inside. And my body is almost refusing to let me pee because the urethra is so swollen. I have to call in sick to work. 4 days later they call me with confirmed hsv2. I wait to call the guy until I know for sure. He of course tells me that he was tested recently and he's fine and that I probably had it for years and just broke out. Or that I should retrace my partners and talk to them, but it's definitely not him. Well I had also been recently tested because my husband had cheated. For 2 years after the divorce I was alone. And afraid to get tested. But I finally did and got the all clear and felt like I won the lottery. Swore I would never have unprotected sex or put myself at risk. And what's the first thing I did?! Change the course of my entire future for terrible sex in car with a guy I didn't even know that I'm sure doesn't even remember my name. Have had non stop breakouts ever since. It's been just over 2 months, and I can't imagine how I can continue to live like this. How I'd love to have the problems I had 3 months ago that I thought were overwhelming. I would never have considered even having protected sex with someone with this. There's no chance I'll ever have anyone in my life again that I'm not 'settling' for . It's heartbreaking .

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Hi Blondie,

I'm so sorry that you have to be here.

Like you, some of us are here because of 'mistakes' we feel we made at some point. We let our guard down due to or own insecurities and we paid the price. But we are human and we will keep on making mistakes and learning from them. Just when we think we have life figured out, something else pops up that will challenge us. But what is the alternative? Live in a cocoon and not risk anything? Human kind has progressed because people were willing to take risk and will continue to do so.

I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago. As a 42 year old single male I finally thought I was in a good place to meet someone amazing for the next phase of my life. I had made a lot of positive changes and grown as a person. Then out of nowhere I get a sore appear on my butt of all places, got it swabbed and tested positive for genital herpes. Instantly I thought, how, why, who, when.........why did I have unprotected sex on this occasion or that occasion.......

Herpes will dredge up every insecurity in us, even one's we didn't think we had and it will throw them at us every day. And that's the hardest thing to deal with. How will someone love me, how will I enjoy sex again, I feel dirty, I'm shameful, loss of freedom, loneliness, isolation, loss of confidence.

What this will do is tell us all where we need to grow. It sucks and we all wish we could go back to living in ignorant bliss and dealing with problems we thought were major problems. I am riding the emotional wave after my diagnosis 3 weeks ago, but it's also a reminder every day of what I need to work on as a man. This virus has a way of bringing out every demon buried deep inside of us. A team of 10 psychologists working every day for 10 years would not be able to draw out the insecurities and emotions in us that this virus has a way of doing in a matter of days/weeks.

Take the time to grieve Blondie because it's a horrible feeling. But we have no alternative but to use this to grow. Life probably won't be the same, but I know for me, this in many ways was a wake up call to treat myself and my body with more care and more respect. And to start to address some of my own demons.

Sending you a hug

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