6/6 successful disclosures!

[november13]

I have been seeing this guy for ~2-3 weeks now. We went to a comedy show last night and the opening act was basically one long herpes joke. It was awful. I felt terrible. But my date saw I was upset and asked if I wanted to leave and so we did. Then, we had dinner and drinks and eventually we starting talking about personal things. He shared something private about himself, and then I disclosed. We were at my place. Without hesitating AT ALL, he said he didn't care and thanked me for sharing. He didn't ask me any questions and I didn't cry at all (woo!). Then we had sex, and it was awesome. 

At this point, I'm pretty surprised at how successful all of my disclosures have been. I'm getting better at picking kind partners though, I think. Happy disclosing!

[JBnATL]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope all newbies read your posts about disclosure.  This is one very luck dude

JB

[honorejaxon]

Congrats! Can you tell me a little about yourself and how you broach this subject? Are you twenties or thirties or older? I'm in my 20s and I'm so mad at myself for ending up here 

[november13]

I am 27/f and have had gHSV1 for a year now.

Every time I've disclosed has been different but I start by choosing my partners carefully. I listen to how they talk about people to try to see how judgmental/compassionate they are. It is very important to me that they are compassionate and don't talk about people behind their backs, so that even if they do reject my herpes, I can at least hope they will do so in a kind way and they will keep the information to themselves.  

I don't have a set time period for how long I wait to tell someone. I don't tell them right away so I can see if I even like/trust them. But I also don't want to wait so long that I lose interest (friend zone!) or spend too much time worrying about it. 

I always look for an opportunity to tell them well before sexy times, in a situation where we are being truthful about ourselves. I use it as an opportunity to open up and get closer to the person. Last night I just said, 'this is hard for me to talk about but it's something that could potentially affect you if we take things any further. I got herpes type 1 genitally around a year ago. It's pretty rare to pass it genital to genital but it's possible.' I had a whole spiel I was going to say about transmission rates and how we can reduce transmission, etc. etc. but he didn't care at all. I also talked about how the herpes jokes from the comedy show made me feel, and he was very understanding/sorry I had to deal with that.

 

Don't be mad at yourself. It's just a virus. It could happen to anyone that is sexually active. The worst thing about this virus is the stigma and the fear of rejection. Don't worry about disclosing unless there's a person you're interested in; it's a waste of time. Just work on feeling good about yourself by yourself and immerse yourself in the things you love. When someone comes along, really think about the kind of person they are and whether they will be kind to you. I'm dating WAY BETTER people now that I have herpes. I am getting so good at picking good people and not wasting my time on jerks like I used to. It's a good filter. I've even had casual partners, so don't think that's over either. Trust me, I felt like you a year ago, like I would never date again, like no one would ever want me. It's not true. I am proof that there are plenty of people out there that still REALLY want to bang you.

[honorejaxon]

39 minutes ago, november13 said:

I am 27/f and have had gHSV1 for a year now.

Every time I've disclosed has been different but I start by choosing my partners carefully. I listen to how they talk about people to try to see how judgmental/compassionate they are. It is very important to me that they are compassionate and don't talk about people behind their backs, so that even if they do reject my herpes, I can at least hope they will do so in a kind way and they will keep the information to themselves.  

I don't have a set time period for how long I wait to tell someone. I don't tell them right away so I can see if I even like/trust them. But I also don't want to wait so long that I lose interest (friend zone!) or spend too much time worrying about it. 

I always look for an opportunity to tell them well before sexy times, in a situation where we are being truthful about ourselves. I use it as an opportunity to open up and get closer to the person. Last night I just said, 'this is hard for me to talk about but it's something that could potentially affect you if we take things any further. I got herpes type 1 genitally around a year ago. It's pretty rare to pass it genital to genital but it's possible.' I had a whole spiel I was going to say about transmission rates and how we can reduce transmission, etc. etc. but he didn't care at all. I also talked about how the herpes jokes from the comedy show made me feel, and he was very understanding/sorry I had to deal with that.

 

Don't be mad at yourself. It's just a virus. It could happen to anyone that is sexually active. The worst thing about this virus is the stigma and the fear of rejection. Don't worry about disclosing unless there's a person you're interested in; it's a waste of time. Just work on feeling good about yourself by yourself and immerse yourself in the things you love. When someone comes along, really think about the kind of person they are and whether they will be kind to you. I'm dating WAY BETTER people now that I have herpes. I am getting so good at picking good people and not wasting my time on jerks like I used to. It's a good filter. I've even had casual partners, so don't think that's over either. Trust me, I felt like you a year ago, like I would never date again, like no one would ever want me. It's not true. I am proof that there are plenty of people out there that still REALLY want to bang you.

I was always super paranoid about HIV and never really knew much or worried about herpes. Which was dumb obviously. One dumb mistake and here I am. I keep thinking where I'd be right now if it weren't for this. But I need to find a way to move forward. I am around your age and hope that women will be more understanding than a college girl or something. It sucks cause I was full of confidence and had no problem dating before this but now I feel like that is all gone. Maybe this is still too new to me. Could I inbox you a q?

[november13]

1 hour ago, honorejaxon said:

I was always super paranoid about HIV and never really knew much or worried about herpes. Which was dumb obviously. One dumb mistake and here I am. I keep thinking where I'd be right now if it weren't for this. But I need to find a way to move forward. I am around your age and hope that women will be more understanding than a college girl or something. It sucks cause I was full of confidence and had no problem dating before this but now I feel like that is all gone. Maybe this is still too new to me. Could I inbox you a q?

I just responded to your message. Your life is still very much the same! You have the same friends, same opportunities, same dreams. Yes, your sex life might change a little but it's not the end of the world. You WILL still have good sex. It took me at least 6 months to feel okay after getting herpes, so give it time. Focus on other things. 

If it helps, I've talked to some girl friends about my herpes. One said she dated someone with hsv2. One said she gets cold sores. One said she had HPV and would date someone with herpes. So there are definitely women out there that aren't going to freak out. 

[angela1212]

I have told one person and been rejected, it sucks....I am now terrified they will tell someone we know....why can't this be so much more open? No one even cares about cold sores, don't see them disclosing/hiding things!!!!! I don't want to be negative and I will keep marching on but every time I think about the rejection I just feel sad that the person wouldn't even give me a chance, (particularly as they got cold sores!)

[november13]

I'm really sorry this happened to you, and I understand not wanting people to know. Disclosure is a very scary and vulnerable thing. But I promise you won't always be rejected. (And remember, they are rejecting the virus, not you! even though I know it can feel like the same thing.) It's good that you will 'keep marching on.' You will find someone who doesn't care about it, and you will be so happy you didn't end up with this person. The fact that they rejected you for herpes when they also have herpes just shows how misinformed people are. My best recommendation is just to watch people when you're dating them and wait until it feels like they like YOU before telling them. Get good at looking for clues about what kind of person they are. If they're kind and seem to be genuinely into you, they either (1) won't mind or (2) will mind but you will feel confident that they will treat you with respect and not share your info with others. I'm here for you if you ever need to chat!