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stigmatizing myself. Dating the most wonderful man and don't know how to tell him


gtccql

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Hi,

I acquired the genital herpes virus 2 years ago and have been devastated ever since then. 

I am a very reserved person, I only engage in sexual activities with guys that I have been with in a long term relationship. I have not had many sexual encounters. I have always tried to be safe because I always feared STDs such as chlamydia, gonorrhea but genital herpes never crossed my mind. I have been raised in a very traditional latino culture with a lot of emphasis on catholicism, sins, punishment for your sins, etc. 

My mom has the herpes virus that is on the lips, ever since I can remember. I obtained the same lip herpes virus when I was in my early teen years, my guess is mostly from mom than anywhere else. Cold sores were not all that often, for many years I did not have an outbreak, until I started college and then they were too often. I learned the tricks of putting ice on the sores, keeping it dry, avoid bathing with steaming water, etc and I always had a abreva at hand just in case. 

I have never given my cold sores to anybody. 2 years ago I started seeing one of my older sister's friends. I was surprised and flattered the guy had apparently had a crush on me for many years. I thought, what more reliable person than someone who has liked me for all this time and that is well known to my family. My sister was against the relationship from the get go, she's not all that good at sharing and often called him a traitor and afterwards she stopped taking to him, she has done this type of pattern before, not that I had ever dated one of her friends but I became friend with her friends or even by just having a quick hi and bye conversation with them. I also knew for a fact that she did not like him at all in a romantic way,  because of this and her history of jealousy, I did not worry much about her reaction. She began saying that he was sneaky and I began to worry and questioned him about this and what she meant by that and he knew all the right answers and how to calm my anxieties. For the first part of the relationship, he lived and worked 5 hours away and we could only see each other on the weekends. 

We began being intimate on September, never an issue. One day in December, he got creative and took me to a spa with private rooms and hot tubs in them. I had just gotten over a cold sore and my lips were still a bit bright. He was very passionate and no matter how much I warned him, he said "it was no big deal and that because he could not see a cold sore, it would not be a problem". This guy was definitely far more sexually experienced than me and knew all the tricks on how to make me melt. That day, because I was very self conscious about the cold sore, I did not let him kiss me much, so he focused on oral sex and I can't complain, he definitely knew perfectly what to do and how to do it. 

The next day I had 4 white spots, pimple looking, around the labia, one on the very top, closer to the belly button rather than the labia, one on each side of the labia and one almost to the bottom of it, but closer to the leg. I did not feel itchy at all, so herpes never crossed my mind. My skin has ALWAYS been very sensitive and because of this I thought it was some type of mold that developed from the hot water at the tub from last night. I called him immediately, he avoided me a bit and sort of brushed me off as paranoid. I went to the doctor myself, he looked at it and said HERPES. I was devastated but decided to get a second opinion, what better place than Planned Parenthood, once again, the NP looked at it and said herpes and gave me a prescription for Acyclovir. I cried for days, felt my life was over and completely blamed it on him, because  my sister had been telling me he had been seeing other people at the same time as he was seeing me. He went out a lot without me, he used to say he was hanging out with the guys but after this I began to wonder if it was really the guys or if my sister was right. I broke up with him after I told him he ruined my life, I refused to answer to his calls, emails, texts. He never really appeared all that bothered with the diagnosis and he had sores worse than mine, his response was "well, I don't deal with stressful situations like you. If I have it, then I know it won't go away and I just deal with it" .

After me avoiding him for 2 weeks, he then offered to go to Planned Parenthood with me and have a talk with the clinician.  We saw the NP and I explained how I broke up with him because he gave me herpes, he tried to get the NP on his side and said he had never had herpes prior to me. The NP asked if either one of us had cold sores and I said yes and she said that I could have given him cold sores and he could have given the virus back to me through oral sex. Thing is, he never had a cold sore on the mouth. Regardless, I still devastated and he said " well, see? it was your fault and I'm not blaming you or breaking up with you. Who else would understand you more than me now?" After some convincing, I agreed to get back together with him. We moved in together and he began disappearing again. We finally broke up after I got hospitalized for 3 days with hypertension and pneumonia and he rented a boat and partied all those days. After the brake up I was devastated, not because of the breakup or aching for his love, but because as he said it many times "who else will understand you better than me, we both have it..." My dating life was OVER.

He instead began dating a few months after and even got the girl pregnant. I felt too self conscious and did not want to pass along the virus, I felt like the extremely contagious person that could not even engage in flirting, as if a simple smile from me to someone would make him sick. I am on top of this as much as I can, take acyclovir tabs as prescribed, on a daily basis, added Lysine, take centrum and even the new vitamins for nails, hair and skin. I have abreva, acyclovir and camphophynic topical creams at hand. 2 years later after being diagnosed, I met the most wonderful man I have ever met. I seriously cannot think of any complains to make about him. We have been together for 8 months now and he talks more and more about a future together, about having children, a house together, etc There is nothing I want more than this. I can see and dream about a future with him. We have opposite and hectic schedules, reason why we really have not had sex. We kissed passionately, have engaged in oral sex and I almost always make an excuse to stop it right there. It is important to note that ever since genital herpes began, my mouth cold sore are not as often as before. 

Anyway, I love this guy, I truly do and do not want him to be sick. Last week, we actually had sex. I had not had an outbreak for months, we used a condom and he really enjoyed it, I was too self conscious and could not help myself but thinking the worse, I was so anxious during sex that right then and there I felt as if I was itchy and stopped sex at that moment. Soon after sex the itchy feeling stopped, my doctor says I'm so paranoid that it is more a tactile hallucination than an actual outbreak. My amazing boyfriend has been talking about moving in together soon and I have avoided the topic, not because I don't want to live with him, but because I fear that being so close to one another would be hard to come with a daily excuse not to have sex. I fear that if I tell him he would not see me as the girl he loves anymore, but as this monster with cooties. I have even thought that to avoid this, perhaps I should break up with him and hope he finds someone else herpes free. But I LOVE HIM and have not done neither. I do want a life with him, I day dream with his talks about wanting to grow old with me. I want this, I really want this. But... do I deserve it? Does someone like me, with herpes, deserve this dream?

To this day, I still do not know if I was the actual cause my ex and I got herpes or if it was him. I was always intrigued by his "not big deal" response, I asked him if he cheated on me, he stayed quiet... I asked him again after we broke up, his response "what does it matter now".  I do guilt trip myself that regardless of how I obtained this horrible virus, perhaps it was well deserved for dating my ex against my sister's consent or for something else. Paying for my sins? I can name my sexual partners, or exes with one hand, but I cannot stop feeling as the loose dirty girl. I know of people that have multiple partners in a month and have not had my luck. I feared other STDs, but I would much rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea than herpes :( 

Edited by gtccql
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You should have told him before any sexual contact. Plenty of people can see past herpes but to go that long without telling him would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. A lot more than hsv

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I really think you should obtain a proper diagnosis here.

It is exceptionally rare to obtain genital HSV-1 once an estabished oral infection exists. If this is herpes then HSV-2 is much more likely.

A doctors visual diagnosis is unreliable. The best thing to do here is obtain a blood test and let that guide you.

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You need to stop beating yourself up and get the weight off your shoulders.  You are your own enemy right now.  He will be devastated if you tell him later than sooner.  You built up enough love and feelings so I am sure he won't head for the hills.  Tell him, get married and procreate.

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Relationships are built on trust and honesty.  When you tell him, and you should, he may be wondering what else you are hiding.  Consider how you would feel if he held that information from you.  Not a good way to start a relationship.  I say disclose and hope for the best.

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First take the tests - its been 2 years so a genital test will be conclusive now. Once you tell him and then say oops mistake the blood test is negative-- you can't go back.

Then reconsider your options.

 

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Thank you much for the responses. They did a swab on the outbreak at one point and it came back negative. I take the daily Acyclovir tabs and if I do get an outbreak, I double the dose. The fact that the medicine works, sadly, I think, confirms my herpes diagnosis :( Regardless, I will do the blood exam, I'm trying to schedule something for next week. DontJuan, what does the genital test consist on? Do I need to have an outbreak to have one? Or can I do it without an outbreak?

I do plan to tell him, I just do not know how or where to start. I have tried in the past and he tells me "I don't care because if you caught something you would have taken care of it. Don't want to know your past" and changes the subject. I know it is only fair to tell him bc even though this happened in past, unfortunately it is still part of my present and sadly part of my future. How do I tell him? How do I start? 

He has seen me and is aware that I get cold sores, but herpes in the genital area, as we all know, is far more stigmatized. Yesterday I told him something didn't feel right and that I wanted to get myself checked, he supported that. 

If I'm lucky enough to surpass this ordeal (of telling him)... In the future, how can I, as amt1036 says, procreate? Insemination? Or the regular way? 

Edited by gtccql
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The test you need to request is for IgG antibodies type specific for HSV-1 and HSV-2. No other test has credibility. These antibodies are permanent in the body with or without an outbreak.

Do not talk about herpes until you have confirmed what types you have.

Herpes is not an ordeal, it is simply a human virus, like 100 others that live in our bodies. Nonoe of them prevent having children normally. 1 in 10 babies born in the US today (literally.. today!) are to mothers with genital herpes.

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6 hours ago, WilsoInAus said:

The test you need to request is for IgG antibodies type specific for HSV-1 and HSV-2. No other test has credibility. These antibodies are permanent in the body with or without an outbreak.

Do not talk about herpes until you have confirmed what types you have.

Herpes is not an ordeal, it is simply a human virus, like 100 others that live in our bodies. Nonoe of them prevent having children normally. 1 in 10 babies born in the US today (literally.. today!) are to mothers with genital herpes.

I thought like one in four or so women had herpes? Wouldn't it be one in four babies? Just curious as the rates are much higher than one in trnten

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That is probably rounded down, I agree. However there a couple of factors:

- women who contract herpes after they finish having children 

- a higher proportion of women without children probably have genital herpes.

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    • WilsoInAus
      I really suggest that the best thing is for both you and your boyfriend to obtain the Westernblot HSV test. He has a 50%+ chance of being positive and you have a 50%+ chance of being negative. Only the Westernblot can sort this out for you.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @kpn the first thing to note is that it is all OK to have HSV-1 or indeed any HSV type. It is not negligence, it is just being human. Oral HSV-1 is not an STD in the sense that the primary transmission is non sexual and the majority of it occurs between parents to children. If any of your children contracted HSV, you would know it. It wouldn't be a silent infection for children. HSV-2 tends not to shed from the oral region for people who have it there in any event. At age 73, about 80% of the population has HSV-1. There is no reason to believe that your mother isn't one of those people. About half of all carriers of oral HSV-1 do not realise they have it and have no living memory of cold sores as they were infected when very young. The most logical explanation is that your mother has oral HSV-1 from her childhood and that your daughter doesn't have oral HSV. Not that it is relevant to anyone but yourself, but your wife might find she actually has genital HSV-1 having had an untyped swab when she was diagnosed.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @Dylan86 and welcome to the website. First note that you cannot pragmatically become infected with HSV-1 from sharing a drink. If you carry HSV-1, it did not come from that episode. As such it is extremely unlikely HSV-1 is the primary cause of your issues. Can the WB miss a HSV-1 infection? Rarely but its feasible in less than 1% of carriers who test with WB. Note that the WB does not have values, it has positive or negative as you say. It is way more accurate than IgG as it looks for all 30+ antibodies that are in your blood for HSV. Could you have HSV-1? Yes it is feasible, but it would be a very old childhood infection. Could HSV-1 be causing your oral issues? No herpes will not cause the burning mouth syndrome you describe. Could some of the lesions be herpes related? It is feasible if you are a carrier. But it is unlikely to be the primary cause of the issues, but its an opportunistic virus that can cause issues when something else is taxing your immune system. The best thing you can do is the PCR test on a oral lesion and that will be pretty definitive. Either way, in summary. I'd suggest there is <1% chance you are part of about 70% of the population that has HSV-1. Further there is less than a 1% chance that herpes is the primary cause of your issues.   
    • kpn
      My wife has had hsv 2 for around 8 years. We have two young children 3 years old and 18 months old. My wife only had one outbreak when she was first infected so we didn't worry too much about passing it on to our children. I understand the risk to be pretty low under those circumstances. I don't believe my wife took antivirals during either pregnancy. My younger child has diaper rashes pretty often and has had what I thought was hand foot and mouth disease. That was going around the daycare a while back. I haven't really given it much concern though.  About a week ago, my mother kissed my youngest on the lips. My kid was congested at the time but they pretty much always are. About 3 days later, my mother developed a cold sore on her mouth. She has never had cold sores in her life and she is 73 and happily married so she is not going around messing with anyone. She pointed to the fact she had kissed my youngest and presumed that is where she was infected. At first I said that's not possible since my child has never had any cold sores but since then I have really started to consider that maybe it is possible she contracted it from my daughter. This has me worried that my daughter does indeed have hsv2 and was shedding in her mouth. Does anyone have any experience with this? I am really losing sleep about this. Two people I care so much about got hsv from my negligence. I am fine if I were to contract it, I am not worried about what others think at this point in my life. I just don't want anyone else to have it. 
    • CHT
      Hello DavidGua.... based on the two pictures, I'm not seeing anything that resembles a typical herpes outbreak.  I am not sure what those spots are on your penis.  Please have a doctor take a look and I'm sure you'll get a proper diagnosis.  Have you ever received an HSV antibody test (IgG)?  Again, I doubt your symptoms are herpes-related but, if you'd like some peace of mind, you could request the IgG antibody test for HSV2.   Best of luck.... let us know if you have any other questions/concerns.
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