how do you tell a new partner?

[gtccql]

I was diagnosed 2 years ago during my last relationship. I stigmatized myself, felt dirty and my dream of getting married and having a family or ever engaging in sex again, was more distant than ever before. How could I even dare to dream of this or try to get this when now I feel like the monster with cooties? I met a guy now who no matter how much I tried to avoid, was persistent and I can't deny that I really like him, A LOT. How can I tell him? What do I tell him? When do I tell him? If I feel like the monster with cooties, how would he see me? I find myself hoping he also has the virus from a previous relationship, just so I have a better chance of not being rejected or ashamed, but realize this is just wishful thinking and might not be the case   Is it better to continue to be single and miserable because I have the virus? Or risk the rejection and heartache? 

[Free73]

Just tell him the truth and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Even if he is not prepared to proceed any further, you will feel good that you have been honest and put yourself out there. I am only three months in and I too dread the day that I meet someone I like and have to tell them, but I don't want this virus to have any more power over me than it already has.

As to when to tell him.........is he a guy that you see a future with? Do you share the same values? Just because we have herpes doesn't mean that we should jump on the first boat that comes our way. Even though it doesn't feel like we have the right to be choosy, we do. We have the right to make the same relationship decisions that any other person does.

There are plenty of examples on these forums of how people have approached the disclosure talk.

Good luck and be courageous

x

 

[Acesheart]

On 12/5/2015, 6:25:17, gtccql said:

I was diagnosed 2 years ago during my last relationship. I stigmatized myself, felt dirty and my dream of getting married and having a family or ever engaging in sex again, was more distant than ever before. How could I even dare to dream of this or try to get this when now I feel like the monster with cooties? I met a guy now who no matter how much I tried to avoid, was persistent and I can't deny that I really like him, A LOT. How can I tell him? What do I tell him? When do I tell him? If I feel like the monster with cooties, how would he see me? I find myself hoping he also has the virus from a previous relationship, just so I have a better chance of not being rejected or ashamed, but realize this is just wishful thinking and might not be the case   Is it better to continue to be single and miserable because I have the virus? Or risk the rejection and heartache? 

Honey without great risk in life there can be no GREAT rewards. Living for some is a risk and living to see tomorrow is the GREAT reward. Hugs Aces xo 

[Acesheart]

10 hours ago, Free73 said:

Just tell him the truth and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Even if he is not prepared to proceed any further, you will feel good that you have been honest and put yourself out there. I am only three months in and I too dread the day that I meet someone I like and have to tell them, but I don't want this virus to have any more power over me than it already has.

As to when to tell him.........is he a guy that you see a future with? Do you share the same values? Just because we have herpes doesn't mean that we should jump on the first boat that comes our way. Even though it doesn't feel like we have the right to be choosy, we do. We have the right to make the same relationship decisions that any other person does.

There are plenty of examples on these forums of how people have approached the disclosure talk.

Good luck and be courageous

x

 

I fully agree!  Whether we choose a large shiney new boat or a small simplistic boat with charm and character, we ABSOLUTELY should always feel and know we deserve the best for ourselves! We teach people how to treat us, we show them what behavior is acceptable to us, so always remember you are your Number 1 no matter what or who comes along in life. GREAT advice @Free73 , hugs Aces xo 

[gtccql]

Thank you both. But how do I start telling him? What do I tell him? How did you guys begin "the talk" with your recent partners? He does know and has seen me with a cold sore, I have those since I was young, way before I even got my first kiss. He did not seem to mind about the cold sore, other than keeping our physical distant from each other during that time. I take daily Acyclovir tabs. And I would rather lose him than to give him the virus, I even ache when he gets sick and make sure to nurse him back to health from just a simple cold. I believe we do share the same values, it is by far the best relationship I have had in ages. I find myself wishing he has the virus from a previous encounter, just so he can understand me, but I realize this is just wishful thinking... 

[Acesheart]

On 12/10/2015, 5:34:22, gtccql said:

Thank you both. But how do I start telling him? What do I tell him? How did you guys begin "the talk" with your recent partners? He does know and has seen me with a cold sore, I have those since I was young, way before I even got my first kiss. He did not seem to mind about the cold sore, other than keeping our physical distant from each other during that time. I take daily Acyclovir tabs. And I would rather lose him than to give him the virus, I even ache when he gets sick and make sure to nurse him back to health from just a simple cold. I believe we do share the same values, it is by far the best relationship I have had in ages. I find myself wishing he has the virus from a previous encounter, just so he can understand me, but I realize this is just wishful thinking... 

I was in the process of divorcing my first husband. I had no intentions of ever trusting another man since I'd thought since I'd married my best friend , first husband, he was supposed to be my happily ever after, after 4 months of marriage and 5 years together, he chested.  when you say best relationship you ever had I fully relate to that. My NOW husband kept after me to tell him why I was sad and cryed and just didn't seem to enjoy anything. I just blurted out I have genital herpes virus and I got it from my husband. He had heard the rumors but wanted the truth from me. I told before we ever dated. I didn't want to be involved. I was NOT looking when he entered mmy life. He seriously saved me from myself. He was and is still is my best friend and rock and best father for our daughter. I could never have imagined that I'd be remarried NOW for 26years and he's still my rock through all of life's really tough moments and the rocky roads we've traveled together. We are opposites and he's very old fashioned in his ways and his beliefs but I'd be lost without my best friend. He's always appreciated my being honest up front and giving him two years to run for the hills. He's still by my side and I have no regrets about just telling him from my heart being upfront , open and honest. It's inside you, just head held high and tell him.  The worst thing would be NOT trusting him to be honest. Guys like ladies look at  the integrity and character of a potential parter as a very important part of that person. Just be yourself and speak from the heart as if you were explaining it too yourself.    You know how'd you'd feel if it were you hearing this news, so just speak from the heart.  Btw, I cried and so did he as he as he held me. He said he felt how hard it was for me to explain my situation.  You can do this! Hugs Aces xo 

[Zlice]

On 12 December 2015 at 11:01 AM, Acesheart said:

I was in the process of divorcing my first husband. I had no intentions of ever trusting another man since I'd thought since I'd married my best friend , first husband, he was supposed to be my happily ever after, after 4 months of marriage and 5 years together, he chested.  when you say best relationship you ever had I fully relate to that. My NOW husband kept after me to tell him why I was sad and cryed and just didn't seem to enjoy anything. I just blurted out I have genital herpes virus and I got it from my husband. He had heard the rumors but wanted the truth from me. I told before we ever dated. I didn't want to be involved. I was NOT looking when he entered mmy life. He seriously saved me from myself. He was and is still is my best friend and rock and best father for our daughter. I could never have imagined that I'd be remarried NOW for 26years and he's still my rock through all of life's really tough moments and the rocky roads we've traveled together. We are opposites and he's very old fashioned in his ways and his beliefs but I'd be lost without my best friend. He's always appreciated my being honest up front and giving him two years to run for the hills. He's still by my side and I have no regrets about just telling him from my heart being upfront , open and honest. It's inside you, just head held high and tell him.  The worst thing would be NOT trusting him to be honest. Guys like ladies look at  the integrity and character of a potential parter as a very important part of that person. Just be yourself and speak from the heart as if you were explaining it too yourself.    You know how'd you'd feel if it were you hearing this news, so just speak from the heart.  Btw, I cried and so did he as he as he held me. He said he felt how hard it was for me to explain my situation.  You can do this! Hugs Aces xo 

How is your husband now? Is he infected?

are you using condom everytime?

 

[Acesheart]

My husband now (26plus yrs) is still testing negative for my Ghsv 2 and the Oral h1 his father had since childhood until his death/discovery at age 73. No we never use/used condoms even after I stopped antivirals therapies. His last 4 test yearly, has shown negative and herpes at this point is the least of my health worries. Truly Aces xo 

[Zlice]

1 hour ago, Acesheart said:

My husband now (26plus yrs) is still testing negative for my Ghsv 2 and the Oral h1 his father had since childhood until his death/discovery at age 73. No we never use/used condoms even after I stopped antivirals therapies. His last 4 test yearly, has shown negative and herpes at this point is the least of my health worries. Truly Aces xo 

Thanks for your reply Ace,

So let me wrapped it.

I was read from other thread here, that we are not contagious when we don't have symptoms on our skin.

Ace, when you don't have any symptoms you will less likely passed H?

I'm wondering if you didn't take the meds and didn't take anything to boost up your immune would it be passed when you don't have symptoms?

[JBnATL]

I have given the 'talk' about a dozen times and have NEVER been rejected.  How you tell them is more important than what you say.  If you are crying and say "I have something important to tell you", it probably won't go well.  If you treat it like it is no big deal, which it isn't, then they probably won't care.

Simply ask them if they have ever had a cold sore.  Most people have and most people don't think they are bad things.  Then tell them that you get them but not on your face.   Make sure they know what causes cold sores and tell them if they do not.  

90% of all adults have herpes in one form or another and 99.99% of them live normal lives.  Anyone who has ever had mono, chicken pox or a cold sore is a Herpster.  Where you have this virus doesn't diminish you as a person.  Every person alive has a virus, this one is just a very common one and for most people it is relatively harmless.

Do you have any pets?  Did you know most other vertebrate animals can get a virus called herpes?  Not exactly the same kind of us but still a virus called herpes and they usually treat them with lysine.  Dogs, cats, horses and even penguins can get herpes.  I swear there is a beluga whale here at the Georgia Aquarium that gets cold sores

I have been coming to this website daily for 6 and a half years and have chatted with thousands of Herpsters and many of them have told me that getting genital herpes changed their lives for the better.  Learn all about what you have and you should realize it really isn't a big deal.  

Good luck!

JB

[Acesheart]

2 hours ago, Zlice said:

Thanks for your reply Ace,

So let me wrapped it.

I was read from other thread here, that we are not contagious when we don't have symptoms on our skin.

Ace, when you don't have any symptoms you will less likely passed H?

I'm wondering if you didn't take the meds and didn't take anything to boost up your immune would it be passed when you don't have symptoms?

My husband now (26plus yrs) is still testing negative for my Ghsv 2 and the Oral h1 his father had since childhood until his death/discovery at age 73. No we never use/used condoms even after I stopped antivirals therapies. His last 4 test yearly, has shown negative and herpes at this point is the least of my health worries. Truly Aces xo 

 

Hey Zlice, I really do believe the antivirals, Acyclovir then ten years later Valtrex , kept my Ghsv 2 suppressed and lessened my outbreaks. My initial outbreak was in the vagina and anus areas and lasted 4 months with continuous bumps turn blisters turn to sores and got infected and I also had fungal infections too, so you see I never wanted to experience that hell again! I worked two jobs, one day & one night, I stayed on my feet and I stayed raw and tender as all get out. I was also very stressed going through a divorce. I didn't divorce him for giving me herps, I did divorce him for laughing in my face, telling me "get over it!" and for lieing and denying he cheated  and brought herpes into the marriage after 4 months of marriage! Some things are unforgettable and that was a HUGE mistake on his part. He knew I had no one but him , I have no biological family so he was extremely shocked when I walked out. I can overlook many things lieing was NOT one.

When I met my second soon to be hubby, I disclosed to him what my situation was, even gave him two full years to run, but he stayed. After that we made lovee and I was on antivirals still over two years by then. He showed me what true love, kindness and unconditional trust was . We made love, had oral pleasures never once thinking he might get my virus, just wanting to give me a true family of my own. Telling the truth is always a good idea and I didn't want to deal with blame.. 

So maybe after two years, past the most contagious stage, I didn't worry about passing. I can only give my experiences and I've been assured by my husband he has never worried he catch it. He thought 4 years ago when he first tested, for me, he assumed he already had it. I really feel he acted disappointed when he found he was still negative. I do hope this helps and I'm sorry if this is too much information. Hugs Aces xo 

[Zlice]

34 minutes ago, JBnATL said:

I have given the 'talk' about a dozen times and have NEVER been rejected.  How you tell them is more important than what you say.  If you are crying and say "I have something important to tell you", it probably won't go well.  If you treat it like it is no big deal, which it isn't, then they probably won't care.

Simply ask them if they have ever had a cold sore.  Most people have and most people don't think they are bad things.  Then tell them that you get them but not on your face.   Make sure they know what causes cold sores and tell them if they do not.  

90% of all adults have herpes in one form or another and 99.99% of them live normal lives.  Anyone who has ever had mono, chicken pox or a cold sore is a Herpster.  Where you have this virus doesn't diminish you as a person.  Every person alive has a virus, this one is just a very common one and for most people it is relatively harmless.

Do you have any pets?  Did you know most other vertebrate animals can get a virus called herpes?  Not exactly the same kind of us but still a virus called herpes and they usually treat them with lysine.  Dogs, cats, horses and even penguins can get herpes.  I swear there is a beluga whale here at the Georgia Aquarium that gets cold sores

I have been coming to this website daily for 6 and a half years and have chatted with thousands of Herpsters and many of them have told me that getting genital herpes changed their lives for the better.  Learn all about what you have and you should realize it really isn't a big deal.  

Good luck!

JB

Yeah, I read your posts.

Where I live in are a country that are not common for those Cold sores.

Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore. 

So its kinda hard to compare it with cold sores.

still I will try to tell it to my current gf about my condition, when the time is right.

Thanks for sharing your exp. it means a lot

25 minutes ago, Acesheart said:

My husband now (26plus yrs) is still testing negative for my Ghsv 2 and the Oral h1 his father had since childhood until his death/discovery at age 73. No we never use/used condoms even after I stopped antivirals therapies. His last 4 test yearly, has shown negative and herpes at this point is the least of my health worries. Truly Aces xo 

 

Hey Zlice, I really do believe the antivirals, Acyclovir then ten years later Valtrex , kept my Ghsv 2 suppressed and lessened my outbreaks. My initial outbreak was in the vagina and anus areas and lasted 4 months with continuous bumps turn blisters turn to sores and got infected and I also had fungal infections too, so you see I never wanted to experience that hell again! I worked two jobs, one day & one night, I stayed on my feet and I stayed raw and tender as all get out. I was also very stressed going through a divorce. I didn't divorce him for giving me herps, I did divorce him for laughing in my face, telling me "get over it!" and for lieing and denying he cheated  and brought herpes into the marriage after 4 months of marriage! Some things are unforgettable and that was a HUGE mistake on his part. He knew I had no one but him , I have no biological family so he was extremely shocked when I walked out. I can overlook many things lieing was NOT one.

When I met my second soon to be hubby, I disclosed to him what my situation was, even gave him two full years to run, but he stayed. After that we made lovee and I was on antivirals still over two years by then. He showed me what true love, kindness and unconditional trust was . We made love, had oral pleasures never once thinking he might get my virus, just wanting to give me a true family of my own. Telling the truth is always a good idea and I didn't want to deal with blame.. 

So maybe after two years, past the most contagious stage, I didn't worry about passing. I can only give my experiences and I've been assured by my husband he has never worried he catch it. He thought 4 years ago when he first tested, for me, he assumed he already had it. I really feel he acted disappointed when he found he was still negative. I do hope this helps and I'm sorry if this is too much information. Hugs Aces xo 

Thanks your story really helped a lot.