I told him I had herpes after we had sex

[MNCaliGirl]

Hi all,

I am in so much emotional pain right now and need advice/help.

I met this guy and it was where have you been all my life, love at first sight kind of guys. I've never had this feeling in my life. We have the same outlook on life, family, values, we were raised the same exact way, we have things in common. Everytime we have gone out its felt like a first date, we can talk for hours and never get sick of one another.

We ended up sleeping with each other and 1.5 weeks later I noticed a sore. I was so caught up in the emotion and hadn't gotten a breakout in 2 years that it was almost like I completely forgot I had herpes. I felt guilt and felt terrible and vowed to tell him next time I saw him. I want to point out that yes we did use protection.

I told him and he said, are you serious?! at first. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy convo. He wanted to know the whole story and how I got it - basically Ive had it for 7 years and I got it from a guy who cheated on me and I was suppose to potentially marry. He put his hand on my leg like he was sympathetic but then started to freak out a bit when he wanted to know all these questions about it, all of which I calmly answered. He started accusing me of taking advantage of him and I kept reassuring him that I was crazy for him and this wasn't the case at all and that we used protection and there was an ever so slight risk going forward. I told him herpes is more common than he thinks snd he said do you understand that I was married for 6 years and this is almost foreign to me (see below)? He said he needed to process it and said he was going to go home and that he would call me when he was ready. I started to sob a bit and put my arms around him and told him that all that mattered was how he felt about me when we are together, that's the strongest feeling that should be there. He gave me a light hug and said I know, I just need time to process this.

It's been almost 3 weeks and no word.

I also want to point out that he's in the middle of a divorce where his ex is taking all of his money and dragging her feet - she's basically hanging him by a string. I have been nothing but loyal, understanding and sympathetic to his situation since day 1 and I am angry that he has not called byat least met me halfway with my herpes situation. He initially came over to tell me what was going on with them and the bs that was happening and because I like to take things head on I listened!

I don't know whether he's blowing me off, still possibly processing the info I told him after or he's trying to sort of the divorce...or a combo of it all? My OBGYN who does know the story kept telling me I did the right thing by telling him but I still feel bad. She, too, also has herpes and when she asked how long it had been since we last chatted at the time I said 2 weeks and she said oh for god sakes! LOL.

Has anyone ever had their partner take a very very long time to process the news?

Please help and be gentle. 

Edited December 9, 2015 by MNCaliGirl

[WilsoInAus]

If you want gentle... then yes you have certainly come to the right place.

I feel you have handled yourself appropriately and maturely. I see no issue with having protected sex and developing a relationship before telling. Most women do this. Many do not tell, many do not actually know. My partner was exactly the same and neither she or I have any problems with that.

So first stop thinking in any way that your actions are unethical or selfish in any way, they are not at all.

Your outbreak a week plus after the sexual contact is no indicator of increased infectiousness. Given three weeks and no word, he contracted nothing. No surprise as his chances were 1 in thousands.

You must also be understanding of this man. Divorce is a strange thing. Emotionally wrenching. The daily self questioning of around any children and the splitting of wealth drive people insane. Many are not the same for years. Being a partner to someone going through a divorce might be the msot difficult aspect of a relationship you will ever face. The sacrifice is great, the chance of success not brilliant.

If you love this man and are prepared for the sacrifice, which you have to see through, then I suggest you write him a letter. Tell him you love him and want to be with him and that you will be by his side in these dark times with a view to happiness together.

Tell him you have herpes (I know you have but tell him again). Tell him it is a virus that many have.

The letter from there is extremely different depending on whether you have type 1 or type 2. Which do you have, how were you diagnosed?

Remember there are many men out there for you. Most will value love above herpes; some will need to process it.

You are a lovely person.

 

[MNCaliGirl]

Hi thanks for your reply,

I have genital herpes, HSV-2. 

Yes my heart is breaking I don't know what to do though - crap I did actually, I forgot I did this. I texted him 5 days later after telling him (that mightve been too soon) letting him know I cared and if and when he was ready to talk I would be here.

I got no response. Sigh. :'(

Edited December 9, 2015 by MNCaliGirl

[WilsoInAus]

And that's understandable and may not be reflective of his longer term thinking. His time horizon is limited to the next argument with his ex.

How were you diagnosed with HSV-2?

[MNCaliGirl]

7 years ago, I noticed the sores and the doc said yup you have herpes. Took a swab and blood test too.

You really think I should still write a letter despite all he is going through?! LOL. Im a writer for a living. 

Edited December 9, 2015 by MNCaliGirl

[WilsoInAus]

Did the blood test confirm HSV-2? Was the swab positive?

Yes I would write a letter. It needs to be cathartic to say all you want to say such that you can be comfortable never to say another word.

[MNCaliGirl]

yes everything was positive.

i will take your advice!

[WilsoInAus]

I'm just trying to make sure HSV-1 isn't a possibility. Swabs are often assumed to be HSV-2 given the location and blood tests can be IgM or combined for HSV1/2. Have you had a confirmed HSV-2 positive partner? Do you have an IgG result for HSV-2 in excess of 3.5? How frequent are your outbreaks.

I would add to the letter that there is a risk of infection, but this can be lowered to 2% chance a year with appropriate precautions of antivirals and condoms (if you wish this).

[MNCaliGirl]

no it was for sure hsv-2 i get outbreaks 1-2 times a year.

 

i forgot to tell u summthin else...yes this story keeps gettin worse. he slept with his ex a few weeks ago thinkin they had a romantic moment but she still wants to go thru with the divorce. im like she probably just wanted like a breakup sex kind of thing. yet he kept bitchin about all the bad things she did to him! then a few hrs later after he told me this he teared up saying he still has feelings for me...later i told him about the herpes that same nite...and here we are.

still think i should write the letter? lol! i promise its the last skeleton comin out of the closet. 

[WilsoInAus]

If you want and love this man, despite the divorce complication as I mentioned above, then yes write the letter.

What he did is not uncommon under the circumstances. Wanting a marriage to be over is very difficult. There is a percentage chance he will stay with her as things only get harder from here.

[VVK]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here and point out that there's almost never anything good that comes out of chasing someone who isn't as invested in the relationship as you are. Love is a tricky emotion. My advice: Don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because it's the first time you're feeling something as intense as this, that it means that "he's the one" or that you need to bend over backwards for this guy.

Sure, it's one thing to justify that he's going through a divorce and that things are complicated for him. At the same time, his actions reveal his character under pressure and it's starting to look rotten to me.

[Joperty]

I kinda agree with vvk - you have been there and supported this guy - surely he should have the decency to do the same for you when you open up.  And if he's slept with his wife while you guys have been spending time together he's clearly not ready for a relationship with anyone else. Wether he has feelings for you or not... I think everyone deserves to be with someone who would fight to have you in their life. 

[Free73]

From what you have described here I don't think it has anything to do with herpes. He has not yet moved on emotionally from his marriage or his ex and you were possibly a nice distraction during an emotionally difficult time for him. You have become attached to a guy who is not emotionally available for a relationship. From personal experience, never get involved with people who are in the middle of a divorce or fresh from a divorce (or any long term relationship for that matter).

Move on, focus on you and if you hear from him down the track and he proves that he is over his marriage then explore something then. But don't waste your time waiting and watching, because you may be waiting forever.

Sorry if it I sound blunt, but human behaviour is very predictable and so are these sorts of situations.

 

Edited December 10, 2015 by Free73

[MNCaliGirl]

Hi Free! 

It's crazy you said that because weeks ago I was asking him that same ? if I was just a distraction (see img)

He went on to say don't worry about me I'm focusing on myself.

Thank you all for your advice! Your support and answers mean a lot to me, I've been feeling better today!

 

Edited December 10, 2015 by MNCaliGirl

[Free73]

Actions are what matter. Talk is cheap. The guy is still emotionally tied to his ex. It takes time to get over that stuff and you don't want to be the rebound girl.

[MNCaliGirl]

Hi all! Thanks for your support, sorry I didnt respond sooner I have been super busy with work.

It's been 4 weeks and still no word. I have been talking to someone new.

Thanks! 

[elnino]

good for you @MNCaliGirl

[MNCaliGirl]

Hi guys,

Wow, so I have an update and want to get your guy's opinion if you think he's pre-blowing me off or not:

So months go by and we work at the same place but in different buildings. The main drag is right by my building.

 

So I'm in my car facing the drag and I see out of the corner of my eye this guy looking at me. It's him! He's turning his neck, looking at me, trying to catch my glance - he won't stop looking at me! Never calls, I'm thinkin, wtf ok?

 

1.5 weeks later was his birthday. I thought, should I say something, should I not? So I decided the day before to text him "Happy Birthday! He wrote back and said thanks and nothing further. 

 

Two weeks ago on a Thursday I am with my coworker and we are at a stoplight and she goes um, there's a guy looking at you in the other car - ITS HIM AGAIN! I just saw him out of the corner of my eye. THEN on Friday - God you're gonna die loling - I thought I heard my name and I was about to go through the building door and out of the corner of my eye again I see him looking at me but then he ran his car into the curb LOL while doing it.

 

Monday (last week) came and I am driving back with the girls from Starbucks into our work and there he is driving by me! THEN at 4:15pm I'm trying to leave and there he was! I'm thinking, JC what is this?! So at this point I had no choice he was waving and smiling like crazy at me and i put my hand up to wave back. 

 

At this point I'm annoyed but also thinking, obviously he's not over me right or knows he fucked up and that's why he can't say jack?! So I texted him and said hi back - I just got home back stomach ache. He said, I keep running into you! Feel better. So I play dumb and I say, oh, you have? Must be the universe. He said must be...

 

I'm thinking, ok so now he wants to chat with me? After months of being distant/cold so that he could figure out things between him and his ex wife (btw they filed for divorce I'm guessing it'll be finalized by end of this year at the latest). So now that I have him on text I'm trying to get a read from him...I said I'm craving Wonton Soup when I get ill. I wasn't hinting at him bringing me any but just saying it for the sake of it - but I literally crave that soup all the goddamn time! He said that does sound good...I still haven't eaten there yet. Then I congratulated him on an award that he won with his group at work and he said thanks it was my greatest accomplishment ever! If I was a puppy dog, my tail would be wagging...I died loling, because obviously I'm thinking about his penis! So I said ok puppy dog I'm gg to bed and sleep this flu off ttyl. 

 

So I didn't hear a word for 3 days. It was like we had this fun/nice but yet it's kind of awkward/complicated with what happened with us 5 months ago. It was like we were playing it safe chatting. 

 

So I'm thinking on Thursday, wtf is going on, ya know?! You're suddenly chatty with me, running into curbs, trying to always catch a glance of me but won't do anything further? I don't give a damn if he wants a relationship or not, because I am at a point right now that I just want to take things one day at a time with people and not make assumptions, I;m going through a different phase of my life...plus I feel confused and slightly guarded from what happened but also happy and I might still have some feelings for him. There's no happy medium, I feel like a swinging pendulum!  

 

I'm thinking, you know what? Because I'm sassy, I'm gonna call his bluff on this whole thing and at the same time maybe he's still scared because he know he screwed up and can't ask me to hang. So Thursday night I wrote, hey sorry about the other day I was ill. If you ever want to go and grab a coffee in the future I would be up for it if you are. Have a good night! Just kept it very casual and open.

 

He textes me back 3 hours later and he says, (Let's) maybe get coffee late next week. Glad you are feeling better. I said ok thanks ttyl goodnight!

 

I haven't heard a word since, but a maybe?! I dunno what to think...I know how I am feeling and what I would want to say if we do meet...I dunno if he's sincere about going out for a bit, if he's blowing me off nicely/stringing me with that...but then I think, why would he respond back ya know?! What I do know is he can call me, I've done my share. Obviously @Free73 was right, it had nothing to do with the herpes.

 

Let me know what your guy's thoughts are, thanks!

 

KC

Edited April 4, 2016 by MNCaliGirl

[SureWhyNot]

Nothing more enticing than a girl who does not NEED! (Yes you can insert guy here) Your attitude towards yourself dealing with a virus is commendable and the difference between being needy and desperate because you believe you are flawed and no one would want you. We are ALL flawed, not by HSV. 

 If the Universe is bringing you together nothing will stand in the way. Your ideal man will be so very grateful for every aspect of You!

 

 

 

[Joperty]

If I'm honest I think this guy sounds like he's just keeping his options open. He wants you to want him and it sounds like game playing. I think if a guy likes a girl he should just say it... but I watch  to many romantic comedies. ..maybe it's not that simple. But all the 'acting cool' is lame. If he wasn't sure if he'd screwed up and wasn't sure how to be he would have jumped at meeting for a coffee and be relieved he clearly has a shot with you. Whatever you decide to do remember actions are what matter....not words.

[MNCaliGirl]

Hi guys,

Wow do I have an update lots of things have changed LOL! To sum it up: first, we addressed the elephant in the room and that was good. Then we agreed to do coffee tonight actually, but he texted me this morning that  he was going home from work early because things were catching up to him kept saying how sorry he was.

So I'm thinking he's making excuses right? Well guess what: he actually did go home sick (don't ask how I found out lol) but meanwhile he finally filed for divorce from his wife on MONDAY! I used to be a journalist and court records are public if you search them online LOL. So that explains why he was being wishy washy with me, he's going through a lot. 

I feel bad with what he's going through, but for me, I pretty much have my answer I am done with him.

Thanks!

Edited April 8, 2016 by MNCaliGirl

[WilsoInAus]

You do need to make your own choice here. Being a partner to anyone going through divorce is a tough ask. It absorbs a lot of focus and destabilises things a lot.

That being your decision, make sure you stick with it and focus elsewhere. Block his number and move on, no looking back.