How do I tell someone?

[displayname]

Hello,

I was diagnosed with the H virus today. I've slept with others in the past but have just recently began a new physical relationship. Two days after we first had sex I noticed sores downstairs; I have had bad cases of folliculitis in the past and assumed that was the case this time. However, to be safe I visited the health center at my University and a doctor tested a swab. I got the call today that the test came back as positive. I've done some research on the triggers to try to understand if I have recently contracted the virus or if it has just been dormant for some time. I underwent an intensive pelvic surgery about four months ago and never saw any symptoms. I am now worried that I have contracted this from my parter. He has told me already that he is clean, but I didn't want to pry and ask if he had ever been tested. I initially insisted on using condoms however he felt comfortable enough not to use any so we haven't (stupid me). Is is wrong for me to assume that he gave me the virus? I have never had any symptoms until recently after engaging with this new partner. 

I also have no idea how to tell him the news. I feel that care a lot for each other but I am scared that when I inform him he will run. How is a good way to initiate the conversation? Is in wrong of me to insinuate my doubts about contracting it from him? I initially felt disgusting and worthless but I have spent some time reading articles on the internet and this website is awesome. I haven't even known about this for a full 24 hours and I am already feeling better about myself. I am more worried about how it will change my relationships and how it will affect my future. Can anyone help me to answer these questions? Or have any suggestions on ways to have this conversation? Any little aid can do more help than you know right now. I can admit that I am lost I just want to tell my partner as soon as possible.

[honorejaxon]

I am new to this as well but try not to beat yourself up. It will get better. As for not using protection condoms are only about 50 percent effective against herpes as they don't cover the whole groin region and not even the base of the penis or any of the testicles. So there's a decent chance, although obviously not guaranteed you could have still ended up in this position. It will be okay 

[displayname]

How did you tell your partner?

[WilsoInAus]

You start with what you want. It is very important to find out the type as this will help.

With this information you have basically one of two choices.

1. Not see him again. Send him a letter saying he has HSV-1 or HSV-2 and it was passed to me. You'd like the relationship not to continue for various reasons

2. Tell him firmly and confidently that you have just been infected with herpes by him (being HSV-1 it came from your oral infection when you went down on me) or (being HSV-2 you have a genital HSV infection that passed to me). This is unfortunate but a feature of human sexuality. In continuiing our relationship, we cannot infect each other further, and continuing is what I wish to do.

[november13]

I agree with Wilso except for with option #2 I probably wouldn't say he definitely gave it to you because you're not 100% sure, right? You weren't tested before? It's pretty likely that he did infect you, but I'd just make sure it doesn't sound like you're blaming him, since that might cause him to react poorly. (I don't know what kind of person he is, but this upsets some people. He still might deny it but he can do that no matter what you say.) Instead I would say that I was recently diagnosed and believe it came from him and I'd suggest he get tested. Let him know that herpes is not included in typical STD testing, so if he was tested recently and never asked specifically to be tested for HSV, he doesn't know if he has it; and, also many people are asymptomatic, so he wouldn't know just because he's never had an outbreak.