Disclosure Worries - Need Support :(

[Carolinagirl1419]

I was diagnosed over the summer with HSV2. It absoltely came as a shock, since I am a perfect example of someone who had mistaken an outbreak as a minor rash and/or pimple. In fact, my breakouts aren't even genital. They are mostly in the crease of my leg where it meets my booty. I found out when I went in for a routine pap and asked my doctor about the few "pimples" I had in the crease of my leg, and if it could possibly be due to sweat from working out.

Anyways, I feel like my life when it comes to dating and sex is a big blur of confusion. I'm VERY sexual. I don't mean that in a "sleep around" way. I mean that when I'm in a relationship, I very much enjoy having sex....OFTEN. Even after reading articles about how you can lead a very active sex life being HSV2 positive, I can't help to think that someone wouldn't find me as sexually attractive, or even that I'd find myself sexually attractive. I even have a friend who is HSV2, while her boyfriend is not, and he is always wanting to have sex. But still, I can't find it in myself to think someone would feel that way about me.

Next problem....I'm scared to death to disclose with a guy that I have H. I find myself being emotionally unavailable or very hesitant to get close to someone, because I know that I will eventually have to disclose. And that scares the crap out of me!!!

So current situation - I met a guy about a month and a half ago. It was during a drunken Sunday Funday when basically everyone goes to this one bar in the city to watch the NFL game. Me and this guy made out majority of the time, joked around a lot and when it was about time to call it a night, expressed A LOT of interest in taking me out later that week. I agreed. We got drinks and talked for a while. What I really liked about him was that even though he was a year younger than me, he was able to have a very intellectual and thought provoking conversation about politics, religion, same sex marriages and many other topics, which I LOVED!!! Its been a very long time since I've found someone like that, and I appreciate hearing other people's opinions and discussing current events.

Well, the next few weeks we became more pen pals than anything. Part of it was on me, because we would bet on the outcomes of different sporting events (we are both very much into sports). I lost a bet and owed him a home-cooked meal and a massage. Honestly, if I didn't have H, I would have been ok with having him over for dinner BUT, I was absolutely not going to put myself in a position to disclose this with someone who I didn't know as well as I wanted to. But then he became distant and our interactions were just texts about how our days were, and not much past that.

A couple Sundays ago, I saw him at the bar everyone goes to to watch the NFL games. He was with his guy friends and was sitting with and talking to a girl. The girl didn't really seem to be his type (she was short and a little overweight, had a bunch of tattoos and one of those nose piercings that look like something a bull has), and it wasn't like they were all over each other, but it did come across to me that it wasn't just a friend thing. I knew he saw me and we (or atleast I did) avoided each other. Until later in the day when he was drunk (I was not) and he was standing close to me, pulled me over and started talking to me. We talked about fantasy football and some other things, and then he said I owed him dinner and a massage. That was when I (nicely) joked that I would not be giving him a massage OR cooking him dinner when I see him at the bar with another girl. He tried to play dumb, then switched to telling me I looked beautiful and he wanted to hang out with me, blah blah. So I told him he could take me bowling. After he left, my friend said it seemed like he really liked me.

SO - we have plans next week to go bowling.

I do like this guy, but obviously, having H, I feel like it makes things more complicated. I want to get to know him better, but I don't want to even attempt that if all he's interested in is partying. I mean, he is the new guy in a big city, and I'm looking to settle down.

In addition, I don't want to make this sound like a popularity thing, but I know A LOT of people in this city. It also just so happens that his group of guy friends are guys I know really well. Obviously I don't want to get seriously involved with someone who isn't ready to settle down but my BIGGEST concern is that him and I hang out, we get to a point where we want to date or become sexually involved, I have to tell him my situation, he freaks, tells his friends, and then everyone knows I have H. Has anyone ever been in a situation like that? I feel like I'm limiting my options but I find myself wanting to date someone who knows no one in the city, rather than chancing it on someone who has the potential to completely ruin my reputation.

Ugh, I don't know what to do. This is all so new and scary

[Elle22]

It does seem really scary, but think about it. Worst case scenario that you mentioned is that everyone finds out you have herpes. Well that eliminates the need to disclose and then you'd find out up front who are the assholes about it and who is cool with it! Most good people are able to recognize that people who share information intended to be confidential are jerks. Therefore it is more likely that it reflects badly on the gossiper rather than the person with herpes. Do you choose to have herpes? Typically no. Do you choose to be rude about herpes or not? Absolutely.

Additionally, it feels like a huge deal in your life and like something everyone would talk about, but it's probably not. "This girl I like/liked has this thing" is not a particularly juicy story. If he is interested in you and seems genuine then it would be strange to do a total 180 and start talking shit about you.

Truly living your life involves being vulnerable and courageous. Sometimes this leads you to great places, sometimes it hurts. If you shy away from your life just because you are afraid of the challenges you may face, you will miss out.

(Brene Brown has some great talks about this topic if you are interested)

[Constant Diplomat]

I totally understand your concern and can relate. I've not disclosed to a potential partner yet, and as yet have not had any partners bar the woman I was with when we found out we both had HSV2. I've avoided sexual situations with old casual fun times buddies because I figured this one particular woman has a big mouth and if she knew, everyone would. And it's a smal city here.

Maybe everybodie's city is a small city, I know mine is for real. The way I feel about disclosure and the risk of 'everyone' finding out is this:

1) Everyone finding out in some ways would release me of the burden of secrecy, and potentially negate the need for (or soften the pressure of...) disclosure if I were to become involved with a friend of a friend or something like that.

2) My concern is that if women know I've got HSV2, I may be out of the game before I ever even had a chance. The idea that you form a bond with somebody, and then they learn you come with this condition, and they are either okay with it, or not comfortable with it, is perfectly normal. But if someone doesn't even consider you an option from the get-go, you won't even get to form that bond. By no means am I saying these scenarios or theories are absolute, but this has been my way of thinking so far.

3) Everybody finding out is good for us individually and for the STD community at large, for it will stimulate discussion/conversation, and therefore begin to demystify the STD phenomenon.

Overall I'd say there will come a time for ME when I'm okay with being out in the open about my HSV2. At this point, I've scarcely told anyone and I'm yet to go through that rite of passage we call DISCLOSURE! One day.

Love and Light Y'all.

[SheIsBlue]

Carolinagirl, a lot of the decisions I make in life are based on gut reaction.  After reading your post, my gut is telling me that he is not the right person for you.  He seems immature and I get the impression that he is dating more than one girl at a time.  You are looking for a real relationship, but I bet he is not.  I say let this one go.  Something about him isn't right.  Just my opinion.

[november13]

Just take it slow. It's okay to not be sure about him or ready yet. Go on the date and don't decide. Just enjoy yourself. I know it might feel unnatural to take it slow (it did for me!) but trust me, you will quickly find out who is actually interested in you. Wait to disclose until you feel like you can trust him. Wait to see if you think he is kind. If you are having doubts, like SheIsBlue said, trust your gut. There will be others!

After you've disclosed a few times, it will be easier to disclose and you will know what to look for and how to time it. But in these early days, just take it slow and be kind to yourself. It's great that you are putting yourself out there and thinking about disclosing! Congrats You will find someone who likes you and doesn't care, I promise.

[Tryingtobepositive2016]

On 23 December 2015 at 3:31 PM, Constant Diplomat said:

I totally understand your concern and can relate. I've not disclosed to a potential partner yet, and as yet have not had any partners bar the woman I was with when we found out we both had HSV2. I've avoided sexual situations with old casual fun times buddies because I figured this one particular woman has a big mouth and if she knew, everyone would. And it's a smal city here.

Maybe everybodie's city is a small city, I know mine is for real. The way I feel about disclosure and the risk of 'everyone' finding out is this:

1) Everyone finding out in some ways would release me of the burden of secrecy, and potentially negate the need for (or soften the pressure of...) disclosure if I were to become involved with a friend of a friend or something like that.

2) My concern is that if women know I've got HSV2, I may be out of the game before I ever even had a chance. The idea that you form a bond with somebody, and then they learn you come with this condition, and they are either okay with it, or not comfortable with it, is perfectly normal. But if someone doesn't even consider you an option from the get-go, you won't even get to form that bond. By no means am I saying these scenarios or theories are absolute, but this has been my way of thinking so far.

3) Everybody finding out is good for us individually and for the STD community at large, for it will stimulate discussion/conversation, and therefore begin to demystify the STD phenomenon.

Overall I'd say there will come a time for ME when I'm okay with being out in the open about my HSV2. At this point, I've scarcely told anyone and I'm yet to go through that rite of passage we call DISCLOSURE! One day.

Love and Light Y'all.

If he's worth keeping it won't bother him.