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my first disclosure 6 years pos


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OK so before I go into this please understand I know what i did was wrong and I truly never ment to hurt anyone.

Long story short I was... raped... by my ex boyfriend while in high school. I agreed to have sex but when the time came I told him to stop but he didnt listen and it was the most painful thing ive ever experienced. I never told anyone and a month later I was diagnosed with HSV2 but the NP whole confirmed my results blamed me for this disease and was utterly disgusted by me. I was 19 and pretty much fell into a deep depression until recently. I never told anyone about my disease and kept my suicidal thoughts to myself and never brought it up. My new doctor would ask me if I had any questions but I always said "nope, just need refills" and never discussed the diagnosis.

Two years ago my college roommates talked me into making a tinder account. I met this amazing guy and he was the first guy I'd date after my high school nightmare. My self esteem was pretty much down to nothing and i was left with hurt and self doubt. We dated and then the time came to have sex. I wanted to tell him but I was so scared he would reject me that I didnt mention the HSV. I told him about my HIV status being negative. We had sex and became official 4 months after dating. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We started talking about moving in together but I always said i didnt want kids to scare off guys. The guilt from not telling him about my status and imagining living together and have him find my bottle of valtrex and asking me about it caused me so much anxiety that I broke up with him a few days before christmas (2015). I told him I couldnt be with him anymore because I didnt love him (which I do). New Years he got drunk and called me and it hurt to hear him hurt. So I went to his house stayed with him until he sobered up. I finally just told him the whole truth about the rape and my status and feeling like it was punishment. I literally broke down into ugly wails. He lifted my chin up looked me square in the eyes and said "I love you." I was stunned and asked him did he hear what i said? His response was "yea i heard you but i dont think you heard me" 

That night we made love for the very first time. I never thought I'd find love or find someone to actually look at me but i did. I didnt give him a choice which i feel horrible about. I will always feel guilty that i never told him about my status upfront. I even had him do his own research about it and told him to ask questions. We had a serious talk and he is genuinely ok with it. I even asked him what if we break up and he contracts it. He said well then i'll deal with it. For the future if we dont work out I will be able to tell someone about my status. I let the shame and stigma interfere with my life to the point where I refused to date and do anything. I even thought about ending my life so no one would know about my status. I met this amazing guy who was more upset that i had these crazy thoughts than some skin disease.

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livingsilently, just for the record here how were you diagnosed? swab, blood test, or just visually by the NP?

You've gone through a lot and I'm glad things are working out for you right now. Just remember that you may still need someone to talk to about your past, in case the thoughts and feelings surface at a later point in any shape or form. If you have access to counselors or therapists at school, consider stopping by and having a chat with them - at the very least about what your ex boyfriend did.

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