fed up and looking for encouragement!

[angela1212]

so I have what I know to be HSV genitally....I had always been careful and have only had long term partners.  Unfortunately, my ex partner did not disclose/was unfaihful and I contracted HSV from him.  We broke up shortly after, for reasons related and not related!  Devastation and recovery and cue feeling absolutely terrified about my dating future! I went and got checked with a doctor (screened for everything offered) but the sores had disappeared/healed and they were unable to get a conclusive result for typing...no further outbreaks yet to my knowledge.

I have finally tried to build up the confidence to get myself out there again and recently met somebody who I thought was lovely.  Very sadly, he decided not to continue seeing me after my first ever disclosure. I explained all the stats calmly but to no avail.  Perhaps I disclosed too early but I guess there's the trade off between too early to get to know you and too late and you've broken their trust.  He saw me again after disclosing but shortly after that said he was not ready for anything serious...  (He did tell me he would not have told, so I guess maybe not so lovely?!) 

I must be honest, feeling a little crushed, and humiliated.  We move in circles that cross socially so a little terrified that he might tell although I do trust that he won't. Feeling so frustrated about having so much to offer but being rejected because of something so insignificant in the long term.  No-one discloses about cold sores despite the potential for infection!

 

I wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom/encouragement, I hope to be able to give support if anyone has had similar experiences... However, one positive, I told and I survived and they didn't scream at me!

[Mellisuga]

Hey angela,

There are lots of success stories here - check out the "Secret to our Success" thread.

I would say to just keep your head up. Its hard not to worry, but him gossiping looks worse for him. The people you would want to see would probably not care anyway. It's tough, but you are thinking all the right things. Don't let one bad disclosure bring you down!

[angela1212]

thanks Mellisuga, I will check it out!! I will try to keep my head up, I just feel like a lot of bad luck has been sent my way and the tide has GOT to change at some point, right? ....yeh he works in a very large building with me.... so difficult to know who to risk telling.....never mind. seems that a lot of people have had success. Shame that my first experience was rejection but I guess it was a good learning curb.....

 

 

 

[VVK]

It was a good rejection. You'll find that you have a very useful tool (disclosure) to get to know people better and to see a little further underneath their skin.

[angela1212]

Hi VK,  I thought this was the case but am afraid now of further rejection based on just that...I think I will wait a little before my next disclosure...I felt guilty for not letting the person know outright and disclosed early but actually I think it's my business and as long as nothing non PG happens then its ok to wait....

[Free73]

I'm sorry to hear it Angela. I am only four months post diagnosis, so I haven't been actively dating, but i'm nervous about getting out there again.

It's interesting that this guy mentioned that he would not have disclosed if he were in your shoes. Perhaps that is a sign that maybe you should wait a little longer and get to know someone better. That way, it will give you a better chance of evaluating whether you share the same values and hopefully you can avoid meeting another guy like your unfaithful ex.

As VVK said above, whether we like it or not, herpes gives is forcing us  to get to know people better before we fall into relationships with people who are probably not good for us.

[angela1212]

yeh, I had said initially that I wanted to take things very slow, and get to know each other...he had said something about liking people to be upfront and honest...I felt awful sat there knowing this and I decided to disclose...I feel a little silly to be honest, probably should have waited. maybe it would be a different story. I don't think i'll be disclosing again for a while...took me nearly a year to build up the courage to start dating and for now, feeling like I can't face it!

[Free73]

don't be too hard on yourself Angela, I don't think it would have made a difference with this guy. He said he likes people to be upfront and honest, yet he also told you that he wouldn't have disclosed if he was in your shoes......huge irony in that don't you think? The only thing you can guarantee in life is that most people are full of shit and he proved that to you  So keep your chin up and I hope I can have the courage that you showed here.

[angela1212]

thanks free73 I think you are right! just trying to work through the feelings....I can't help but feel upset and embarrassment. rejection because of this was a hard pill to swallow.  Especially when there's so much more to me!! But I guess he's not worth it. I will have to troupe on and find someone who thinks I'm wonderful H and all.  I guess H teaches you to get on and not worry about little things, there are definitely worse things out there and if I've been dealt this card then I'll have to own it. We're all definitely worth the (limited) risk :).

best wishes,