when to disclose

[heartless369]

Do any of you disclose early on when you start dating someone? If so, reactions have you gotten? I haven’t dated since my diagnosis so I haven’t disclosed to anyone… I feel like waiting a while to disclose just to end up getting rejected is a waste of time for both people. Why get attached to someone/have someone get attached to you if they’re just gonna walk away?

[Constant Diplomat]

I haven't disclosed either, because I've not really met anyone worth dating... but, there are plenty of people here, men and women, who have been both rejected and not rejected. I'm not saying that everyone will 'accept' you and your life will be a beautiful green hillside like one of those prozac commercials, but from what I gather, there is far less to fear than you think.

I would say the outlook is more positive than negative, and in a way it's up to you and how much you own your situation, that will determine how a partner reacts. Remember that humans are emotional creatures that like to bond. If you have the beginnings of a bond growing, the emotions will overrule the 'logic'.

People sleep with the husbands and wives of their close friends and relatives all the time, these no doubt are irrational decisions made on drive and emotion, raw desire.... with far worse consequences than herpes.

 

[blistering love]

If someone really likes someone and is attached to them, i highly doubt they'd just walk away.I reckon wait till the relationship gets to that point. By disclosing early, they may just think you want some action. Take it easy, get to know them and i'm sure they'll like you and find a way around it.People die for love, im sure they'd take the tiny risk .PLus its much better to be with someone who knows their status than someone who doesn't, than at least both parties can take precautions. 

[SheIsBlue]

Every relationship is different.  So, it's a lot about timing.  You don't want to wait too long nor disclose too early.  You will know after a few dates whether you want to pursue the relationship or not and can decide then. Keep in mind, he/she may be wondering the same thing you are.

[SureWhyNot]

The previous posts are inspirational from others who have been through this. Simple questions. How would you want to be treated in this circumstance? What would you want to know about the person you have decided to be intimate with? How would you feel about yourself passing this on to someone else without giving them the chance to make their own decisions for their own life?

If they walk away from you that person was obviously not right for you!

Taking Time to get to a know a person is never a bad thing, though how much do we ever know about another? I disclosed after 3 months of dating without sexual contact beyond kissing. Please know we were both very sexual people, I just wanted to make sure he was worth investing myself in a relationship because disclosure is difficult. He stepped back, thought about it and was fine with it because he got to meet the person not just the body. Too bad he never told me he had cold sores since he was a child! I would have liked that information!!!! Found out after many years when we broke up! Now I wonder what else I did not know about him!!

It may actually work in your favour to prove you are an honest, caring, conscientious person who would respect the relationship. Sounds like a perfect partner!

This is a wake up call to educate and care for yourself!!! 

[november13]

On 1/12/2016 at 5:46 PM, heartless369 said:

Do any of you disclose early on when you start dating someone? If so, reactions have you gotten? I haven’t dated since my diagnosis so I haven’t disclosed to anyone… I feel like waiting a while to disclose just to end up getting rejected is a waste of time for both people. Why get attached to someone/have someone get attached to you if they’re just gonna walk away?

 

I don't disclose right away because I don't know if I can trust someone that early on. But I don't wait too long either cause 

1. like you said, it'd be a waste of time if it wasn't something he could deal with,
2. worrying about disclosing would drive me insane,
3. I'd accidentally friend zone him, lol. (It's happened!)

For my last disclosure I waited ~2 weeks. I think we went on ~5 dates, but we bonded pretty quickly. His reaction was very positive.

There's no exact time you should wait. Just wait until you feel somewhat comfortable and you're tired of driving yourself crazy worrying about it. Then just rip the bandaid off.

[heartless369]

I can't even bring myself to tell any of my friends, so I don't see myself dating anyone. I guess that's a good thing, no need to worry about disclosure  haha

[november13]

When you're ready, you should try telling a good friend. At least for me, being able to talk about it with people that know me and seeing that they loved me anyway really helped me feel better. But take all the time you need!

[heartless369]

I think I've come to realize that I'll never be able to tell anyone. Sure, I have a couple of close friends but based on their reactions whenever herpes is brought up in movies, tv shows, etc, they're going to think I'm a dirty !*@*. I've been celibate for 4+ years now and they all think it's because of some moral/religious reason, if I told them I have herpes they'd think I was a huge hypocrite.

[Free73]

That's sad that you feel you can't tell any of your close friends. I don't think your friends will judge you and if they do, then they probably are not worth your friendship. I told my family and close friends and it really helped and continues to help. When you feel you are walking around with a secret, it's a heavy burden to carry

[SureWhyNot]

I kept my secret for 30 years other than disclosure to partners. I recently told 2 friends and I  found out they have other friends and family with the same problem and believe it or not those people are happy to learn anything new they can around this. This is so much more prevalent than you can imagine and affects people of all distinctions. We walk amongst each other! There are enough Zombies out there now, we should walk tall, secure in the knowledge we have around this to protect others! Knowledge is strength! Imagine how good you would feel after learning everything you can around this and to be the one that can offer support to another who is living in fear of rejection. You have isolated yourself with this, your friends did not reject you or judge you as you have never given them the chance to offer support! That is what friends do. You could be a friend to them!!! 

[heartless369]

I recently had the chance to tell one of my friends and I couldn't do it. It is a heavy burden having to keep this a secret but I have no other choice  the other option is getting made fun of and being seen as filthy.  I wish I could be one of those people that doesn't care about herpes. I know to most people it's not a big deal and some don't even bother to disclose, but I think it's a HUGE deal. Supposedly it's not that easy to transmit, yet soooooo many people have it. How is that even possible? I don't buy the statistics. I guess things will just never get better for me, I just don't know how much more I can take of this... 

[SureWhyNot]

A true friend would never make fun of you or think you are filthy! Perhaps it is your own perspective you need to deal with? I guess we are all filthy and should be made fun of? I would bet money you don't believe that of others so why should you treat yourself that way! You are human with human frailties. That is why we are on this learning planet.

Coming out of our cage with this virus is difficult. I am ages past casual dating or one night stands so it is much easier for me, I guess. I have told my partners each and every time so I know this can be soul wrenching. I figure since we are planning on spending time or the rest of our life with someone we should be able to talk about anything. I knew one of them was judgmental so I veiled my expose in a half truth leaving myself wiggle room. I started with "I have to tell you, there was an incident many years ago that left me with HSV2". I can't really talk about the details of that incident but I can talk about what I know of the results and how to protect you"!

This left little room to jump to conclusions about me as his head was spinning from the revelation that could affect him. My knowledge helped the situation greatly and proved my intention to care for his welfare. I have no way of knowing what he deduced happened but in truth, it was a horrible incident I did not want to share details of, so a thin veil.  

None of what I said was a lie and it did give me the opportunity to go on the offensive instead of defensive. It is true, the event we contracted this dis-ease was an unpleasant incident that happened to us! Most people have contracted this during a time of stress or negative circumstances so this may also be why it attacks some more than others, the memory attached to the event!

I would rather know I evaded a conversation about the past, not important, than know I inflicted someone else with something infectious that tortures me physically and emotionally.

 

[heartless369]

We are made fun of by society. Everyone just assumes only promiscous people get this virus. I personally don't expect anyone to "accept" my virus. No one deserves the embarassment that comes along with having this, so I think it's somewhat selfish to risk passing it to someone else. It's too late for me to form any sort of meaningful relationship but I wish I could share with someone the reason I'm so sad/resentful.

[Free73]

Have you ever thought that you are the one that is judging your friends? None of your friends have judged you because none of them know, yet you are living your life as if they have. If you disclose and they do judge you, then why would you be friends with judgemental people, unless they reflect your own views?

I have disclosed to some of my close friends and they were compassionate, understanding and supportive. I know that if I disclose to others that they will react the same.

I used to laugh at herpes jokes in movies as well.......big deal. Open up to your friends and give them a chance before you judge them for how they might react.

 

 

[Acesheart]

On 1/12/2016 at 4:46 PM, heartless369 said:

Do any of you disclose early on when you start dating someone? If so, reactions have you gotten? I haven’t dated since my diagnosis so I haven’t disclosed to anyone… I feel like waiting a while to disclose just to end up getting rejected is a waste of time for both people. Why get attached to someone/have someone get attached to you if they’re just gonna walk away?

 

I married the first guy I disclosed to. He waited two years for me, no sexy times between us, and I gave him 2 years to reconsider his decision in wanting me as his partner for life, that was 26 yrs ago and we make 27 years this year. He did his research, back then just books in the library with real paper pages, internet wasn't invented back then. We also have a daughter, something I was told by doctors would most likely NOT be possible due to female troubles. I'd do it all over again. Not having internet was a blessing because he didn't get scared and get non accurate information, what he learned was what we took as truth. I've never passed my herpes Ghsv 2 to him and he's still testing negative. We just lived and he's always been grateful for being honest up front before either of us had real feelings. Hope this helps. Hugs Aces xo 

[heartless369]

thank you aces for sharing your story  however I can't just move on with my life like this virus is nothing to worry about. I could never be w/ a non-H person knowing that I could infect them at ANY TIME, even if they were aware of the risk and were willing to take it. At this point I just wish I could disclose my status to someone without being ridiculed.  

[Acesheart]

14 hours ago, heartless369 said:

thank you aces for sharing your story  however I can't just move on with my life like this virus is nothing to worry about. I could never be w/ a non-H person knowing that I could infect them at ANY TIME, even if they were aware of the risk and were willing to take it. At this point I just wish I could disclose my status to someone without being ridiculed.  

Hey heartless, if I thought that way I would have never found my guy, partner in crime and best friend I've ever had  ! If I thought the way you described i would have missed out on being a Mother and wife and lover. I could never deny any man the privilege of being with such a lovely human being As myself! He gave me everything I didn't have when I was herpes negative. He gave me my life back when I was blinded by hurt, shame and drowning in my own head. He renewed my trust and faith and he saved me. God gave me a hard life but with every challenge I've successively moved forward stronger than before. If you don't challenge yourself you will never learn from experiences. Every lesson I've learned from has been my growth as person. Truly Aces xo 

[Clunk]

1 hour ago, Acesheart said:

Hey heartless, if I thought that way I would have never found my guy, partner in crime and best friend I've ever had  ! If I thought the way you described i would have missed out on being a Mother and wife and lover. I could never deny any man the privilege of being with such a lovely human being As myself! He gave me everything I didn't have when I was herpes negative. He gave me my life back when I was blinded by hurt, shame and drowning in my own head. He renewed my trust and faith and he saved me. God gave me a hard life but with every challenge I've successively moved forward stronger than before. If you don't challenge yourself you will never learn from experiences. Every lesson I've learned from has been my growth as person. Truly Aces xo 

Sorry Acces but I agree with heartless on this one. (Well I do and don't) I'm constantly going back and forth in my head. If I ever open up to someone ever again, which at this point is probably never! I couldn't risk "giving" them this little gift forever. I hate condoms and don't want to have to take antivirals everyday for something that has had no effect on me physically in any way, shape or form - minus my initial outbreak. I take antidepressants every bloody day and I hate that! If I bonded with someone it means I've started to care about them. In this instance, sharing isn't caring.

[Acesheart]

5 hours ago, Clunk said:

Sorry Acces but I agree with heartless on this one. (Well I do and don't) I'm constantly going back and forth in my head. If I ever open up to someone ever again, which at this point is probably never! I couldn't risk "giving" them this little gift forever. I hate condoms and don't want to have to take antivirals everyday for something that has had no effect on me physically in any way, shape or form - minus my initial outbreak. I take antidepressants every bloody day and I hate that! If I bonded with someone it means I've started to care about them. In this instance, sharing isn't caring.

I was speaking for me and this guy waited for me to be ready, I have Never had anyone love me so completely and unconditionally that they didn't know if we EVER would make love. I needed him, he certainly needed me, so if you find someone like this please don't pass them up! True LOVE comes but once and tomorrows may never come. Live life as it was meant to be lived. Love as if there is NOT another tomorrow and trust in that partner to know their heart. Hugs Aces xo

[capricorn0]

I think it is best to disclose once you have gotten to know the person. I am in my 30s now. In my less than wise 20's I would have said just let people know upfront, but when you do it that way you don't give the person a chance to know you. I would say if you guys get to the point of love then disclose. I do not believe in telling anyone I do not love about herpes. I honestly would not even want to risk getting rejected by someone I did not love as they aren't significant enough in my opinion to run that risk. Also it is better to have experienced love and rejection verses just rejection when disclosing... you do the math on that one lol. I also would not advise being intimate with anyone I am not in love with. Love overcomes all if you let it. Even fear and misunderstandings. I also think it takes less pressure off of you if love is involved in the relationship. I also think your expectations and standards will inherently rise by seeking out loving healthy relationships. I also feel like if someone really loves you they will accept all of you as that is what real love is. So you just have to wonder who is willing to pass your love test? 

[capricorn0]

I just read a lot of these posts about different excuses as to people saying they don't want to pass it or feel responsible and dont want to be in a relationship because they dont want to wear condoms.. but you guys are really overthinking it. What happened to the realization that love conquers all even inconveniences? There are many things people will actually put up with when they are actually in love. I think a lot of your objections come from fear or something else verses love. I really do think your opinions would change if you actually found someone you actually loved. It is so easy to be objectionable when you aren't in love. I would just say be careful with the stories you tell yourselves especially if there is a certain outcome you desire. If you desire to be alone you will...forever...I honestly dont believe any mentally healthy person wants to be alone. We all wish to adore and be adored. It is human nature.

[Clunk]

6 hours ago, capricorn0 said:

I just read a lot of these posts about different excuses as to people saying they don't want to pass it or feel responsible and dont want to be in a relationship because they dont want to wear condoms.. but you guys are really overthinking it. What happened to the realization that love conquers all even inconveniences? There are many things people will actually put up with when they are actually in love. I think a lot of your objections come from fear or something else verses love. I really do think your opinions would change if you actually found someone you actually loved. It is so easy to be objectionable when you aren't in love. I would just say be careful with the stories you tell yourselves especially if there is a certain outcome you desire. If you desire to be alone you will...forever...I honestly dont believe any mentally healthy person wants to be alone. We all wish to adore and be adored. It is human nature.

Love? What is that? That takes time to happen. People want to sleep with each other within a few weeks. How can you care about someone enough not to run only after a few weeks of dating? I think back to the girls I've developed crushes on in my 30 years on the earth. Three girls. One from high school (long before herpes invaded my life). I knew her about 6 months before I saw her differently. The 2nd I met working with. Again over about 6 months and before the "filth" invaded my life. My ex wife, I didn't love. I settled cause I figured no other girl would want me. My marriage was ended cause I developed feelings for another girl. That one that ran away after I foolishly and drunkenly went back to the ex and got herpes as a result!

Love?!? *rolls eyes* I give up. Well until I get out of my depressive state. That's how I see it...

[Free73]

I'm going on 7 months now since diagnosis and I finally feel like I am making the transition to coping without chasing women all the time. Its funny but in the last three months as i've become more comfortable with the fact that Ive lost my sexual freedom, girls are literally throwing themselves at me. I don't really give a f*ck about picking up now or pursuing women, so when I do meet them, I give off that vibe and women are now chasing me. Funny how the world works like that. I'm just using that newfound aura to pick through the women that I think have more to offer me than just a casual sex........and if that's just a friendship, then great. I've had a enough sex with enough different partners to last me two lifetimes. I'm not proud of that, but all of us can grow as human beings

[Clunk]

28 minutes ago, Free73 said:

I'm going on 7 months now since diagnosis and I finally feel like I am making the transition to coping without chasing women all the time. Its funny but in the last three months as i've become more comfortable with the fact that Ive lost my sexual freedom, girls are literally throwing themselves at me. I don't really give a f*ck about picking up now or pursuing women, so when I do meet them, I give off that vibe and women are now chasing me. Funny how the world works like that. I'm just using that newfound aura to pick through the women that I think have more to offer me than just a casual sex........and if that's just a friendship, then great. I've had a enough sex with enough different partners to last me two lifetimes. I'm not proud of that, but all of us can grow as human beings

I wish I could say I've had enough sexual partners to last two lifetimes! Sadly, 3 by 30 years of age isn't!! I envy you! I feel pathetic and less of a man because of it! Feel proud you "lived" your life before becoming diseased!