Will life bee good again? Struggling hard.

[Norwegiangirl]

Hi everyone! I have recently turned 40 and I`m from Norway. Resarching the internett like a madwoman has become a (bad) habit the last coupple of months, that`s how I stumbled across this forum. I left my husband a year ago. We had been together for over 20 years, but love faded away. The lesson I learnt from life afterwards, is that I should have stayed in my safe environment and tried to love him again. Meeting him at the age of 18, getting married right away and not have "lived my life", lead eventually to my escape to freedom two decades later. It felt very necessary a year ago, I could bearly breathe. Now, finally I was free. But with freedom came the possibility of other men... and I met one who seemed very kind. He didn`t want to use condoms because he couldn`t "feel" anything and I gave in. I went to the doctor for a check-up and everything was fine. So I thought he was "clean". Then one night I woke up receiving a phonecall from him. He wanted to visit, and he was terribly drunk. Because I had feelings from him, and he had treated me with such kindness earlier on, I let him in. He was very smelly, dirty, stinking of alcohol. He was so wild, and had no limits, totally letting go, like I was no living woman, but a sexdoll or something. I tried to say no, but he wouldn`t listen. I did not get raped, but it was very rough and intense. 4 days later I started to feel unwell. My butt hurt and I was bleeding, it hurt terribly to use the bathroom. At first I thought he had caused an anal fissure or really bad hemmoroids, but then I noticed a small white "ulcer" at my right labia, and I went straight to see a doctor and then another one two days later went I noticed three more of the white wounds. The doctors was not sure what my lessons where ( as he gave me lots of other infections as well) and therefore I went two weeks with out medication. I went to work in pain, took care of my kids, covered my ulcers with zink-ointment and put my butt down in a bucket of hot soapwater several times a day. I was in no big pain, I think I was mostly in shock, praying this all would only be an bacterial infection.... Then I received a phonecall from my doctor telling me I had HSV2. Honestly, I had bearly heard of the condition. In Norway 20-40% of all young people are infected, but nobody speaks about it. Young Norwegian men of today are amongst the worst in the world, not willing to use condoms. It`s not the viking blood, it`s stupidity. And little did I know about sexual deseases being married for 20 years. I remember when I was 18, no boy would ever question the use of condoms. Never. We were kids of the 80s and learned about HIV at school. Herpes was something you got on your lip. I had now idea herpes could strike your genitals as well - and  that it lasts a lifetime.... I handled it ok in the beginning, trying to live as normal as possible. Though the Zovirax worked straight away, I went more than 6 weeks before I even started to feel normal again "down there". Short story is I got both anal and genital herpes. After 3 months I got one white lession on my left labia, took some Valtrex and  it went away immediately. About three weeks after that I found a little red pimple at my right labia, took some spirits on it (cognac) and didn`t need any medication. But problem is- I have nearly never went a day without symptoms. Burning in my vagina, slight tingling in my anus, not strong, but the feeling is there. I have read about it, and it seems this is my body fighting the virus, so  actually I`m building immunity. I know virus best friend is stress and low mood. Well- this happening to me- like a trauma- made my eyes open. I regret so badly that I left my husband, tore up a home, and he doesn`t want me back ( he doesn`t care about the virus, stigma in Norway is very low). So now, realising that I love my ex-husband I am totally heartbroken and devastated, sobbing my eyes out, feeling I have completely destroyed my life and all the good things I had in life. I should have stayed in my marriage. Now I can nearly get out of bed, all my energy goes to take care of  my kids, and coping at work. I`m so afraid I will have a breakdown... and I just can`t, because I`m a mother. 2015 was supposed to be my year, a new start, and I totally failed. My thoughts are dark and doing circles, it feels like I will have this pain the rest of my life. And I guess this stress adds pretty much to the virus having a party in my nerves. The battle is in my nerves, not my skin... I have tried to calm down, to be positive, to think about all those telling this will get better in time, and my doctors own words- you are not hard drabbed. I took a decision to let my  body handle this on it`s own, but two days ago I had both chocolate and chocolate milk, heavy raw garlic (read about that`s not a favorite of  the  hsv) - and with heavy burning and pain in my vagina and butt I went straight to Valtrex again... I stress SO MUCH about this. I take loads of vitamins, a reminder every day of how my life has completely turned. It´s not been fully 4 months yet, and my hopes are not high. I`m just so tired. I am never sick, if I had any pain before, I always fixed it. Now I`m going mental of every sign, ache or any feeling down there. I don`t care about stigma, I know soooo many people have this, which was regarded a completely normal condition when our parents were young (whatever happened there?)- so, I`m not concerned that a man will not have me. The only thing I care about is to get rid of this pain and burning. What should I do? Will it get better? Only thing I care about now, is to be able to take care of my girls, not loosing my job and getting my life on track again. PS- The man who infected me knew he had "something" many years ago, but had not thought about it later- and he wanted to "live his life" as he only lives once... Well no my life is infected, and I know I really can`t blame anybody but myself.

Edited January 14, 2016 by Norwegiangirl

[Macuser]

Hi Miss Norway,

Whatever has happened you can't do anything.Why are our eyes looking forward and not backward.its because In life we have to look forward..

i would suggest you firstly to heal yourself with whichever treatment that helps you.

One of the doctor mention to me.For herpes whichever things you apply on the OB of it worked go ahead.

i can feel you in pain and yet got to work still I believe once you are recovered from the OB you will be more confidant to handle everything.

 

In life everyone make mistake, poor judgment on things but what can we do?

We are just human.

 

May I know how old is your kids?

[Free73]

Hi Norwegiangirl,

I feel your pain coming through in your words and i'm sending you my best wishes.

You are in a much better position than most of us here. I am the opposite to you......I don't care about the pain or the discomfort of the outbreaks, it's the social stigma that scares me and worries me far more.

You will learn to deal with the physical pain and discomfort and the outbreaks should become less painful over time as your body starts to fight the infection. You also need to experiment to see what triggers your outbreaks, pay close attention to your body. Exercising is the single best thing you can do if you ask me. Make sure your diet is excellent as well and keep your life as stress free as possible. But start exercising if you don't already........exercise is the best asset to boost your immune system, including lifting weights, not just cardio.

You haven't destroyed your life. You left a marriage that wasn't fulfilling for you. You have learned some unfortunate life lessons since then, but a life without risks is not really living, it's existing. Those lessons you have learned will make you the best version of yourself as you enter the next phase of your life and it will be a good life.

xx

[Clunk]

I can relate to this. I sometimes feel I should have stayed with my wife. Tried to "feel" something for her again... It was comfortable in hindsight, although I was unhappy. Physically, aside from my first outbreak when I was diagnosed in July 2015, I've had no other outbreaks.

Without sounding selfish, hearing some people get outbreaks quite frequently and that are quite painful, I feel I shouldn't complain. @Free73, I agree completely. The stigma scares me + the fear of not being wanted because of a "skin condition".

@Norwegiangirl, it's no easy road. All I can suggest is come to peace with yourself first. I've only started to do that now and move on... 6 months later. I try to be thankful for my health (I'm not dying of cancer), I'm free (I'm not in prison), I have a loving family and friends, have a roof over my head and sleep in a nice, warm bed with a tummy full of food. For so long all I could think of was "why me?" "I don't deserve this!".. Me me me me. There are plenty others out there worse off. You're probably thinking to yourself "oh shut up!" right now but trust me, in time you will heal and accept it. And above all, move forward.

Best of luck to you. xo

[Terrell]

I can't promise it will however I just try to pray and take care of myself outbreaks are rare even in stressful situations we must advocate each other to fight this condition.

[Norwegiangirl]

Thank you each and every one for your response and support:) I really appreciate it. I will look into your advice, look forward and try to calm down. Stress, I'm sure, is a huge contributer to burning and pain. I normally have a very strong body, so i hope it will fight this virus down eventually. My kids are 8 and 11 years old. They are my life and I have to continue to live and become happy again for their sake and for my own. 

Edited January 15, 2016 by Norwegiangirl

[Terrell]

On January 14, 2016 at 3:52 PM, Norwegiangirl said:

Hi everyone! I have recently turned 40 and I`m from Norway. Resarching the internett like a madwoman has become a (bad) habit the last coupple of months, that`s how I stumbled across this forum. I left my husband a year ago. We had been together for over 20 years, but love faded away. The lesson I learnt from life afterwards, is that I should have stayed in my safe environment and tried to love him again. Meeting him at the age of 18, getting married right away and not have "lived my life", lead eventually to my escape to freedom two decades later. It felt very necessary a year ago, I could bearly breathe. Now, finally I was free. But with freedom came the possibility of other men... and I met one who seemed very kind. He didn`t want to use condoms because he couldn`t "feel" anything and I gave in. I went to the doctor for a check-up and everything was fine. So I thought he was "clean". Then one night I woke up receiving a phonecall from him. He wanted to visit, and he was terribly drunk. Because I had feelings from him, and he had treated me with such kindness earlier on, I let him in. He was very smelly, dirty, stinking of alcohol. He was so wild, and had no limits, totally letting go, like I was no living woman, but a sexdoll or something. I tried to say no, but he wouldn`t listen. I did not get raped, but it was very rough and intense. 4 days later I started to feel unwell. My butt hurt and I was bleeding, it hurt terribly to use the bathroom. At first I thought he had caused an anal fissure or really bad hemmoroids, but then I noticed a small white "ulcer" at my right labia, and I went straight to see a doctor and then another one two days later went I noticed three more of the white wounds. The doctors was not sure what my lessons where ( as he gave me lots of other infections as well) and therefore I went two weeks with out medication. I went to work in pain, took care of my kids, covered my ulcers with zink-ointment and put my butt down in a bucket of hot soapwater several times a day. I was in no big pain, I think I was mostly in shock, praying this all would only be an bacterial infection.... Then I received a phonecall from my doctor telling me I had HSV2. Honestly, I had bearly heard of the condition. In Norway 20-40% of all young people are infected, but nobody speaks about it. Young Norwegian men of today are amongst the worst in the world, not willing to use condoms. It`s not the viking blood, it`s stupidity. And little did I know about sexual deseases being married for 20 years. I remember when I was 18, no boy would ever question the use of condoms. Never. We were kids of the 80s and learned about HIV at school. Herpes was something you got on your lip. I had now idea herpes could strike your genitals as well - and  that it lasts a lifetime.... I handled it ok in the beginning, trying to live as normal as possible. Though the Zovirax worked straight away, I went more than 6 weeks before I even started to feel normal again "down there". Short story is I got both anal and genital herpes. After 3 months I got one white lession on my left labia, took some Valtrex and  it went away immediately. About three weeks after that I found a little red pimple at my right labia, took some spirits on it (cognac) and didn`t need any medication. But problem is- I have nearly never went a day without symptoms. Burning in my vagina, slight tingling in my anus, not strong, but the feeling is there. I have read about it, and it seems this is my body fighting the virus, so  actually I`m building immunity. I know virus best friend is stress and low mood. Well- this happening to me- like a trauma- made my eyes open. I regret so badly that I left my husband, tore up a home, and he doesn`t want me back ( he doesn`t care about the virus, stigma in Norway is very low). So now, realising that I love my ex-husband I am totally heartbroken and devastated, sobbing my eyes out, feeling I have completely destroyed my life and all the good things I had in life. I should have stayed in my marriage. Now I can nearly get out of bed, all my energy goes to take care of  my kids, and coping at work. I`m so afraid I will have a breakdown... and I just can`t, because I`m a mother. 2015 was supposed to be my year, a new start, and I totally failed. My thoughts are dark and doing circles, it feels like I will have this pain the rest of my life. And I guess this stress adds pretty much to the virus having a party in my nerves. The battle is in my nerves, not my skin... I have tried to calm down, to be positive, to think about all those telling this will get better in time, and my doctors own words- you are not hard drabbed. I took a decision to let my  body handle this on it`s own, but two days ago I had both chocolate and chocolate milk, heavy raw garlic (read about that`s not a favorite of  the  hsv) - and with heavy burning and pain in my vagina and butt I went straight to Valtrex again... I stress SO MUCH about this. I take loads of vitamins, a reminder every day of how my life has completely turned. It´s not been fully 4 months yet, and my hopes are not high. I`m just so tired. I am never sick, if I had any pain before, I always fixed it. Now I`m going mental of every sign, ache or any feeling down there. I don`t care about stigma, I know soooo many people have this, which was regarded a completely normal condition when our parents were young (whatever happened there?)- so, I`m not concerned that a man will not have me. The only thing I care about is to get rid of this pain and burning. What should I do? Will it get better? Only thing I care about now, is to be able to take care of my girls, not loosing my job and getting my life on track again. PS- The man who infected me knew he had "something" many years ago, but had not thought about it later- and he wanted to "live his life" as he only lives once... Well no my life is infected, and I know I really can`t blame anybody but myself.

Stay positive trust in God for patience and understanding and do good research and I understand my wife left me also it hurted but she's happy so I'm okay with it