devastated - feel like I have a social death sentence

[trialbyfire]

Just found out a week ago when my usual between-relationship testing came up unexpectedly as positive for exposure to HSV2. My ex had some significant mental health issues which he had concealed pretty well for most of our relationship. He became depressed and things spiraled from there. He was self medicating with substances legal and illegal which induced mania/cycling and he became truly psychotic. He is now facing criminal charges for harassment, threats and a physical attack on me after I ended the relationship. I lived in hell for months never knowing where the next threat would come from. He finally started inpatient treatment and after things were quiet for a couple of months, I allowed myself to hope that I might find a way to start over in the new year.  

I went to get my usual round of tests (since my divorce, every couple of years, or between relationships) and was basically unworried about them. He had a very convincing story to make me believe me he was clean and why he knew that which we had discussed early in the relationship. I was devastated when I heard the tests had come back showing exposure to HSV2. I am STILL devastated, I can't believe that this has happened to me as well. Honestly, the physical assault didn't damage me the way this has. That  scared the hell out of me, but I found a way to accept those feelings and use to learn to live more safely. I don't like being thought of as a "victim."  This diagnosis figuratively and literally dropped me to my knees. I am a very private person, highly educated and I live in a somewhat small city. It was already incredibly difficult to meet men who weren't already married within 5 +/- years of my own age. NOW, I have this to disclose as well. As if the violence of my past relationship wasn't going to be enough of a deterrent for many people, now I find out he added this to it as well. 

I am scared I will be alone for most of the rest of my life, and although my career is incredibly rewarding (and demanding), I very much enjoy having a partner/friend/lover and I feel now like I may never be able to have that pleasure and support in my life again now. I know (now) there are dating websites for this, but I had decided the normal ones (e.g., Match) were really not my thing years before this. I always felt like I was selling myself, like a piece of prime beef.

1. Can these HSV sites possibly be any better? (FYI - I'm mid 40s, I'm sure some must be more appropriate for certain age groups and others for other age groups...)

2. Are there people without HSV2 who will accept me and take that chance? And would I even want them to, knowing what I know now about possible neurological consequences?   (I'm so devastated at this point, I imagine it will be some time before I get the courage to try this out).

3. Does anyone have experience with filing criminal charges for this? I'm considering it. I have some proof he knew, but it will still be hard to get enough. But more than anything, I just want it to have to be on record for him so he will think twice before lying to the next woman, and I want to MOVE ON.... 

[SureWhyNot]

When I got my diagnosis 35ish yrs ago there was nowhere to get information, help or support. I found out 10yrs later when I found a Master Herbalist there was a strong chance of killing the virus in its early stage of contact but was able to manage it very well. I have a very nasty form. There were no dating sites so I continued dating with full disclosure. Dating was actually really getting to know each other. 

I now have a brilliant Naturopathic Doctor (ND) who keeps me healthy. I have had 4 lengthy relationships with supposedly HSV free men, only to find, after breaking up, one had HSV1 that he did not think to tell me about. I never found my soulmate but I was dating a better class of men. Or so I thought!! Who ever knows!!! I am 60 not dating but if I meet the right man I know I have more to offer him than a virus I can keep under control!

As far as lawsuits there is info on this site regarding that.  As for him thinking twice before lying that may be out of your control and the more you focus on him the less time on you. 

When you have the information you need to protect yourself and your partner the obstacles are removed. Disclosure is difficult but it does help to weed out those who are not suitable for you. Soul Mates don't scare easy. You are still the same amazing person, obviously a survivor not victim! Just because we do not want more life lessons doesn't stop them from coming at us!!!

[VVK]

2 hours ago, trialbyfire said:

1. Can these HSV sites possibly be any better? (FYI - I'm mid 40s, I'm sure some must be more appropriate for certain age groups and others for other age groups...)

I wouldn't count on it. First deal with your second question and then I recommend dating normally, whether it is online, offline, or both.

2 hours ago, trialbyfire said:

2. Are there people without HSV2 who will accept me and take that chance? And would I even want them to, knowing what I know now about possible neurological consequences?   (I'm so devastated at this point, I imagine it will be some time before I get the courage to try this out).

The answer to the first part of the question is yes, without a doubt. The more important part of the question is what follows.. the hardest part may very well be in letting someone accept you or, in other words, accepting that another person accepts you. You pretty much answered your own question: you need time to understand your condition and heal mentally

2 hours ago, trialbyfire said:

3. Does anyone have experience with filing criminal charges for this? I'm considering it. I have some proof he knew, but it will still be hard to get enough. But more than anything, I just want it to have to be on record for him so he will think twice before lying to the next woman, and I want to MOVE ON.... 

The question is whether or not you can show beyond a reasonable doubt that he knew. It will be difficult to show in court and probably not worth your time and energy for what you're trying to accomplish in the end.