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Herpes Forgiveness


herpesforgiveness

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Hi everyone. My girlfriend and I recently found out that I gave her genital HSV-1. I had tested positive for type 1 before, but the doctor at the time told me it wasn't transmittable because I didn't have symptoms. Obviously this was bad information, but I passed the information, along with the virus, to my girlfriend. She is really struggling to forgive me. She feels damaged forever, that she has no sexual value, and that I betrayed her. She wants to forgive me, but is at a loss at to how. 

Can anyone share some ways they forgave a partner for giving them herpes? I know time helps the most, but I'm looking for any specific ways of thinking that might help her, or any positive stories. We are really struggling. Thank you so much.

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Hi buddy 

Stand by her side and show how much you care for and how much you love her.

Give her time to accept it.It is the best time to proof your love to her now. 

 

 

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Hey, thanks for the reply. What she's really struggling with is forgiveness. She's looking for actionable ways for her to work on forgiving, not things I can do. Any thoughts?

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Ghvs 1st very very common.

However give her time and talk to her slowly. 

Don't give up also don't over doing it.

At this moment i believe she need is to calm down and accept what has happened. 

 

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I posted in your other thread, but there is nothing to forgive. You acted honestly with her. If she blames you for doing nothing more than being honest and disclosing that you had herpes then she is being selfish and she is the one that needs to stop laying blame. I'm all for forgiveness in instances where someone has knowingly acted selfishly and put others in harms way, but this is not the case here

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I agree with Free, there is nothing to forgive.  You didn't betray her.  You don't say how long you have been together, but if you two love each other, the herpes shouldn't matter.  

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Perhaps Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) would be helpful. It is something she can do for herself as this is so very personal to her. She knows the negatives and positives that effect her and that is what she will use to help herself. You will certainly find inspirational and supportive stories here!

 

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There is nothing to forgive. I agree with previous posters. However, I know this is not what you want to hear. If I was in your shoes, I'd want my girlfriend to forgive me regardless of infection coming from ignorance.

Yes, you are right about your doctor. He/she should have known about viral shedding and transmission to genitals through oral sex. So, so many people get infected (both type I & II) by viral shedding (people think 'no outbreak, no worries!' WRONG!!)

Surely your girlfriend knows you did not deceive her. You genuinely did not know about viral shedding. You honestly thought you were ok providing you did not have an active outbreak/ no lesions were present. You did not know cold sores can be passed via oral sex. If anything, she needs to forgive your doctor! As for forgiving my giver? I haven't and never will! She lied about who she had slept with fully knowing that I wouldn't have slept with her if I had known (long story). Repeating what has been said/posted, if you love each other... You will both get through this. All the best.

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    • KKaren
      Thank you for your response.  I will ask for that test.
    • WilsoInAus
      I really suggest that the best thing is for both you and your boyfriend to obtain the Westernblot HSV test. He has a 50%+ chance of being positive and you have a 50%+ chance of being negative. Only the Westernblot can sort this out for you.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @kpn the first thing to note is that it is all OK to have HSV-1 or indeed any HSV type. It is not negligence, it is just being human. Oral HSV-1 is not an STD in the sense that the primary transmission is non sexual and the majority of it occurs between parents to children. If any of your children contracted HSV, you would know it. It wouldn't be a silent infection for children. HSV-2 tends not to shed from the oral region for people who have it there in any event. At age 73, about 80% of the population has HSV-1. There is no reason to believe that your mother isn't one of those people. About half of all carriers of oral HSV-1 do not realise they have it and have no living memory of cold sores as they were infected when very young. The most logical explanation is that your mother has oral HSV-1 from her childhood and that your daughter doesn't have oral HSV. Not that it is relevant to anyone but yourself, but your wife might find she actually has genital HSV-1 having had an untyped swab when she was diagnosed.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @Dylan86 and welcome to the website. First note that you cannot pragmatically become infected with HSV-1 from sharing a drink. If you carry HSV-1, it did not come from that episode. As such it is extremely unlikely HSV-1 is the primary cause of your issues. Can the WB miss a HSV-1 infection? Rarely but its feasible in less than 1% of carriers who test with WB. Note that the WB does not have values, it has positive or negative as you say. It is way more accurate than IgG as it looks for all 30+ antibodies that are in your blood for HSV. Could you have HSV-1? Yes it is feasible, but it would be a very old childhood infection. Could HSV-1 be causing your oral issues? No herpes will not cause the burning mouth syndrome you describe. Could some of the lesions be herpes related? It is feasible if you are a carrier. But it is unlikely to be the primary cause of the issues, but its an opportunistic virus that can cause issues when something else is taxing your immune system. The best thing you can do is the PCR test on a oral lesion and that will be pretty definitive. Either way, in summary. I'd suggest there is <1% chance you are part of about 70% of the population that has HSV-1. Further there is less than a 1% chance that herpes is the primary cause of your issues.   
    • kpn
      My wife has had hsv 2 for around 8 years. We have two young children 3 years old and 18 months old. My wife only had one outbreak when she was first infected so we didn't worry too much about passing it on to our children. I understand the risk to be pretty low under those circumstances. I don't believe my wife took antivirals during either pregnancy. My younger child has diaper rashes pretty often and has had what I thought was hand foot and mouth disease. That was going around the daycare a while back. I haven't really given it much concern though.  About a week ago, my mother kissed my youngest on the lips. My kid was congested at the time but they pretty much always are. About 3 days later, my mother developed a cold sore on her mouth. She has never had cold sores in her life and she is 73 and happily married so she is not going around messing with anyone. She pointed to the fact she had kissed my youngest and presumed that is where she was infected. At first I said that's not possible since my child has never had any cold sores but since then I have really started to consider that maybe it is possible she contracted it from my daughter. This has me worried that my daughter does indeed have hsv2 and was shedding in her mouth. Does anyone have any experience with this? I am really losing sleep about this. Two people I care so much about got hsv from my negligence. I am fine if I were to contract it, I am not worried about what others think at this point in my life. I just don't want anyone else to have it. 
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