Life is truly a mess

[HerpeHendrixson]

So, here it goes.  I started late in life as I was preoccupied with other medical issues.  I started dating at 29, and met my now wife at 31.  Only had any type of sexual intercourse with the woman before my wife and my wife.  There was about a year in between my first sexual experience and my wife.  After we had intercourse, she told me she MAY have herpes.  Her tests were inconclusive.  Now, I had no idea what Herpes was, so I said, well I guess I had it too.  I only heard of the other major ones.  Low and behold, about 2 - 3 weeks later, I received a strange single clear blister, about the size of a pea on the middle of my left thigh.  Went to the doctor, and he told me not to worry about it.  I pushed for a swab, and it came back as HSV-2 on my thigh, but I was clear everywhere else he tested.  He told me this verbally, but never sent me any confirmation.  At that time, my now wife was very supportive.  Each year I receive a blood test, and it comes back negative.  My wife went to the OBGYN and she said she doesn't have HSV-2.  So she's convinced that she didn't give it to me.  She refused to get tested again.  Things were going well for years with my wife, but now, it's pretty bad.  We sleep in separate rooms, no intimacy for 9 months already, no affection, etc.  I've been, for a while, thinking about divorce, however, this is one of the things that is keeping me back.  I still love my wife, however, I do not think it's mutual.  She may care for me, but the love is just not there it seems.  Any ideas or suggestions on what to do?  I am 36 now, and even though I feel alone in this relationship, I really do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  Wife seems to have been checking out of the relationship for some time.  Overheard she telling her mom that she should had left me sooner, and that she was thinking of leaving.  However, she tells me she doesn't want to leave.  I will be honest, I love the woman very much.  However, I am getting tired of her antics.  Life is hard enough without a true partner.  She was an excellent partner for four years.  This last year has been hell.  I asked since you are not happy, did you want a divorce.  She doesn't know.  She has even gone as far and said, to be twice divorced at 39 with no kids really doesn't help me much in life.  It's not in my best interest to do so.  BTW, that statement hurt very much.  I have her in IC, and I will brought in with her soon.  However, I am really considering throwing in the towel.  The only thing that is keeping me from doing it is that she was very supporting during my time of need.  I feel that she's depressed and I've been staying around hoping she'll get better.  So far, no go.  Blames everything on me.  Nothing is her fault.  So very confused.

[Elle22]

Sorry to hear about this rough situation in your marriage. Have you considered visiting a counselor, therapist, or mediator with your wife? Having an objective person present can be very helpful in navigating issues such as these. If your wife blames everything on you, then she may be more open to hearing feedback on this from an outside perspective than from you directly.

[VVK]

4 hours ago, HerpeHendrixson said:

I have her in IC, and I will brought in with her soon.  However, I am really considering throwing in the towel.

Not sure if I understand - are you two in counseling or not?

[HerpeHendrixson]

She's in IC, and it will open up to MC in a week or two I am told.  We were in MC before, however, the therapist became MIA and I could not get a hold of him.  Therefore, we had to start all over. 

[SheIsBlue]

A lot of couples try a trial separation to see how they would feel without their spouse.  You both might discover something when you are alone.  You might want to try that before just getting divorced.

[WilsoInAus]

First, and I think this is clear to you, herpes plays no role at all in the decision around the relationship. It should provide zero weight on the stay together or separate scales.

I would question the diagnosis. A blister mid thigh does not sound like herpes at all. I would make sure you have had an IgG test for HSV-1 and HSV-2 and take that as the truth.

[HerpeHendrixson]

The first swab test on my thigh through a single blister turned up positive the doctor said, but the swab that he did in the penis was negative.  I requested the test results to be given to me, they never forwarded.  I then had three blood tests over the last three years, nothing this year yet, all were negative.  I supposedly got the HSV-2 in 2010.  Yet, no blood tests show this. 

I really do not want a divorce or separation, however, my wife has changed over the years.  From a supportive, caring, loving, affectionate, and intimate wife to an upset, depressed, angry roommate.

[WilsoInAus]

You should not be living in this state.

Is herpes an issue? It shouldn't be, does matter who has what? The reality is that you did not take herpes into the relationship so if there is HSV-2 about, then she is infected and if you are, then it clearly happened recently. All this does not matter. If it matters to her, then you point out that logically you can only have been infected by her if you do indeed have HSV-2 between you somewhere, but regardless you love her and herpes is an insignificant factor against the love of a committed couple.

Propose couples counseling with someone who will really challenge you, not just listen. If she won't agree to this, then you need to move out on your own, at least with the view that this is temporary until she can commit to what she wants.

[HerpeHendrixson]

We're trying, but I am told, that now I am too nice.  I do not know if the relationship last.  It's very upsetting.

[Acesheart]

On 1/29/2016 at 9:59 AM, HerpeHendrixson said:

The first swab test on my thigh through a single blister turned up positive the doctor said, but the swab that he did in the penis was negative.  I requested the test results to be given to me, they never forwarded.  I then had three blood tests over the last three years, nothing this year yet, all were negative.  I supposedly got the HSV-2 in 2010.  Yet, no blood tests show this. 

I really do not want a divorce or separation, however, my wife has changed over the years.  From a supportive, caring, loving, affectionate, and intimate wife to an upset, depressed, angry roommate.

Hey HH, welcome. Sorry for the late response, having troubles getting to where I want to respond on the site. Have you and she sat down and really communicated your issues? I'm married to a non h man, I've had Ghsv 2 for over 28 years and never passed to my husband. No relationship can survive without communication, love and respect of each other. If you feel she has checked out ask yourself what changed in the relationship? Has she possibly fallen out of love but she still loves you? HUGE differences in loving someone and being in love with someone. I always LOVE my husband, sometimes I don't like his choices for our family, but I'm just as in love with him as I was when first got married. Things change, people change, all necessary for growth and progress as human beings. Change isn't always great, but very necessary. Do you still feel the same about her? Has your feeling for her changed, remember we teach others how we expect to be treated. Do you two still respect one another? These issues you two are having cannot possibly be over herpes, I'd bet your relationship was struggling before. Talk to her. Show her the heart of the man she fell in love with, if it's what you truly feel. Men and women show emotions differently and the lack of emotions shown could be taken as "he or she doesn't care anymore", it's a horrible feeling and can leave a nasty void in the heart, so again I say talk to her, over dinner or wine or late night picnic on the living room floor with an air mattress, we've done that many times and it's led to greater understanding and beautiful make up sexy times, show her how you feel.. No shame in going the extra mile no matter how corny it seems, it shows she excites you and still brings out the manly man in you, we women like to feel we can still do that, bring out animal lust, trust me it works. Truly Aces xo 

[HerpeHendrixson]

Yes, I love her very much, however, I am not too sure about her.  She has resentment towards me for things that were done out of my control.  Sadly, when we started dating, my medical issues (non-HSV) started popping up.  I was in a really bad accident, and my spine is all messed up.  I also suffered from kidney stones as well as other issues.  They come and go, however, she's supported me all the way.  I also lost a parent and both my grandparents in the last three years.  Again, very supportive during my time of need.  Due to these issues, trying for a baby was not top priority for me.  Since she was 38, it was for her.  Since I couldn't move some days, and at the doc or ER others, it made trying for a baby very hard for about 10 months.  She just turned 38 when this all happened.  I told her, I do not want to keep her from her dreams, so if she needed to walk away, I understood.  However, she didn't.  There were times I told let's try, but she said I was in no condition since my back was out and I had very little movement.  In addition, when we did try, it would only be once a week.  She didn't understand (or want) to have intercourse more than that.  We tried again once I was all good, but after six months, she gave up on having a baby the natural way.  A few months later, she gave up on sex completely.  It's been 10 months since we've last had intimacy.  I've offered from the beginning, since her age is high for conceiving, IVF, but she doesn't like the side effects.  Thus, she's blaming me for this.  In addition, she acts one way in front of me, and then another when she talks about me to her mom, dad or anyone else.  I sometimes over hear, and it's a lot different than how she treats me one-on-one.  The relationship is very hard right now, and I do not see it getting better.  I really do not want a divorce, however, she's not really helping with things.  If I talk about it with her, she gets frustrated, then she complains about it to her mom and her therapist.  However, she only give one side of the story, her side.  Not the reasons as to why each thing happened, and how it happened.  Thus, they both say she should leave me.  Her's an example.  Because of my spinal issue, and that she sometimes kicks in her sleep, I suggested she move into the next room since I didn't want to be a quadriplegic.  This was 2 years ago.  I've tried for the last year or so to get her to try the main bedroom, but she refuses.  Yet, she complains to her mom and the therapist that I will not let her back in to the main room.  

Another example.  She moved into my place with my things and decorations.  I moved a lot of my stuff out, and put her stuff up.  She still doesn't like that.  She said she's the wife, she should decorate without my input.  I disagree.  I said lets go to the store and pick things out we both like.  She declined.  Yet, she tells her mom and her therapist that I will not let her put anything up or decorate. 

Final example.  We've not had intimacy in nearly 10 months.  We also no longer go out.   She's too tired or we go to her parents on the weekend.  I said to her, listen, we're not really working well together.  We are more like good friends or roommates instead of husband and wife.  I cannot see this relationship lasting when there is no intimacy or even going out and spending time together.  What can I do to fix our situation?  She says she understands and I am right.  She then tells her mom and the therapist that I said be more of a loving wife or I am going to leave you.

She says to her mom that she doesn't trust me because there were cookies found in her room under her bed.  She doesn't know how they got there, so she said I set them up to make it look like she was eating in her sleep.  That's what she and her parents believe.  Yet, she came into the den, brought me into her room, and we found them together.  Does this make any sense?

It's very hard to work like this when she twists and turn things around like that.  Her mom and her therapist feel that she has no responsibility, and it's all on me.  I try to play nice, but I hear two sides from her, and it seems like she plays each person to how she feels it's best to interact with them.  Truth be told, she was never like this before we got married.  This is only in the last two years.  Yet, it's all my fault.  I do not know what else to do.  She tells me all the time she hates life and the bad decisions she's made.  If it ended tomorrow, it wouldn't be that bad.  Yet, to her mom, dad and the therapist, they think she is a strong, independent woman with a controlling husband.  There is nothing I do to control anything.  It's like she's living her life, and I am living mine.  It's a mess to say the least.

[WilsoInAus]

This is many things. She has lost her purpose in life, lost her self confidence and probably aspects from her past are 'haunting' her today. Motherhood is slipping away and she is reaching the age where she will be feeling her 'looks' and attractiveness are also slipping. She may also suspect or irrationally assume things about you, such as infidelity or spending too much money on booze/gambling etc. but not talk about them only fester. Blaming others for all her issues is also an insecurity, not wanting to take full responsibility for her actions as she cannot cope as it is let alone with known imperfections. Therapists usually help the client in front of them so the outcome there is not unexpected. You need couples counseling, pronto!

[SheIsBlue]

As a woman, I can tell you that when we get married, we have this whole fairly tale dream of what our married lives are going to be.  Nice house, kids, pets, travel; all that stuff.  When it doesn't turn out the way we "expect", we get resentful and with resentment comes anger.  Seems to me that she is upset that the marriage didn't go her way.  As the other posters mentioned, it is not too late to save this marriage but both parties have to want to save it.  I think you should keep trying until you cannot try anymore.  Having said that, Wilso is right in that she has issues of her own that need to be addressed.  She needs to find a better therapist b/c the one she has now isn't helping her.

[HerpeHendrixson]

Thank you both for your replies.  Yes, I am aware that life hasn't gone her way.  Seldom does life always fit into our picture perfect fantasies that we create in our minds.  We've tried couples therapy, but it didn't really help.  She's claiming to her mom that the previous couple's therapist and this current individual therapist say that we're not a good match and neither of us will change.  However, the previous therapist, I actually talked to several times.  I admitted my mistakes, and I took his suggestions to help correct and change them.  She even acknowledges that.  Yet, she keeps on saying to her mom the opposite.  So, I am not sure what to do here.  If we both hear one thing, one of us puts said recommendations in action, have the spouse also concur I've made these changes; why continue to tell your mom and the therapist that I've not?  The changes were to be more open and share everything with my wife.  That was what she was upset with.  I was sharing everything but my medical appointments and results.  I did not want to burden her with them, so unless they were bad, I just didn't bring it up until after I received them.  I really didn't it was that big of a deal, but nonetheless, I made that change several months ago.  I was also told to talk to her and just listen to her instead of giving my opinion.  Since then, I just listen and wait.  Then ask if she wants my opinion.  If she does (which she always does it seems), I then give it.  Those were my big revelations and misgivings that I had.  She says, apparently, both therapists say (second one has not even seen me) that we're both too aggressive types of personalities, and that doesn't usually workout.  One has to be the aggressive one, and one has to be the passive one.  This new aggressiveness from her is recent.  It only came out about a year ago.  Before that, she was neutral, not passive, by any means, but neutral and agreeable.  Now, not so much.  She wants things her way, or it's not being done right.  Then, she just complains to her mom and her therapist. 

Do you know she blames me for not having a kid yet.  However, when I was going through my medical issues, and I could barely move, I offered her three options.  One, not to let me hold her back and move on with life without me.  Two, IVF treatment.  Three, egg freezing so we can wait until these medical issues have run it's course.  I shown her the calendar, since I track my medical treatments as well as her ovulation schedule and our intimacy schedule; yet she still disagrees on the time frame.  In fact, once I was able to move freely, and given the OK, I had to chase her to be intimate.  I even shown her the ovulation calendar telling her we got to get on this.  She eventually just said no thanks.  I did this every month, for the last near year, there's been little to no sex.  Now, she says, she doesn't know if she wants to have a child with me.  In addition, the new therapist, said it would be unwise to have a child with me.  The kid will get his bad genes.  I do not have bad genes.  I was in a automobile multi-car collision.  I said we should get another therapist, she says a third one now.  So I am getting  a lot of push back.  For a time there, she really got me feeling back that I ruined her life.  However, when she tells me that I do not know if I want to have a child with you, if you want sex, find it somewhere else, or it's not in my best interest to be twice divorced in my early 40's; one kind of wonders why I stay.  I sometimes think I am maybe no understanding what she is saying, so I recorded two conversations.  One between me and her.  The other right after between her and her mom.  She actually twisted the words around to where it sounds like I am really a piece of ****.  It's clear she's has been probably gaslighting things and turning the words around to fit her blame game.  I do not know how such a wonderful woman can turn around and become this.  This is not the woman I married.  This therapist and her mom are not helping things.  That much I know.

[Acesheart]

On 1/29/2016 at 9:59 AM, HerpeHendrixson said:

The first swab test on my thigh through a single blister turned up positive the doctor said, but the swab that he did in the penis was negative.  I requested the test results to be given to me, they never forwarded.  I then had three blood tests over the last three years, nothing this year yet, all were negative.  I supposedly got the HSV-2 in 2010.  Yet, no blood tests show this. 

I really do not want a divorce or separation, however, my wife has changed over the years.  From a supportive, caring, loving, affectionate, and intimate wife to an upset, depressed, angry roommate.

I agree with SheIsBlue, we look at marriage differently. I can say I've had numerous surgeries and hubby went months with vaginal sexy times with me, but we work around the times one of us is injured or sick or ill, that's what marriage is about! Those vows better or worst, sickness and health mean exactly what the spell. You act as though she's done a favor for you by being supportive, honey that's her job! I've been married over 26years and we've been through Cancer, miscarriage, loss of parent and grandparents and siblings, so that's natural in life,but it no one gets extra points for supporting the other during these tragic times. I don't like divorce, I had one, but you can get healthy without her just as easily as with her. She obviously didn't marry for the right reasons and it seems your paying the price. It sounds conclusively as though she checked out long ago, it may be time to move on. I agree a home is made from both your ideas, examples: I have friggen dear heads and toy planes decorating my home, NOT my taste but it's who he is. Therefore I LOVE it because I love him, see how that works. A partner should complete and compliment you and make you better NOT tear you down and make you feel guilty and full of blame. It very well may be time for you to leave and pick up the pieces of your life. You can still find true LOVE, trust me on this. If I can do it anyone can  ! Keep us posted. Hugs Aces xo 

[Acesheart]

It won't let me edit the post. It should've read " months without vaginal sexy times" 

[HerpeHendrixson]

Yea, sadly and regretfully, I know.  I am inching towards giving her papers, but I just hope that we can reverse it some how.  I take my vows very seriously.  Better or worse, is better or worse, but this is pure torture.  Heck, she walks around naked and will not let us do anything all the time.  I've never seen a woman have zero sex drive.  The reason, I do not want to.  She has it in her head it's all my fault, and nothing hers.  She and her mother were talking about possible divorce when SHE is ready a few times already.  I do not like failure, and I feel it's my fault that this failed.  I am hoping it can be repaired, but again, I just see us slowly drifting away.  My love for her is much stronger it seems than her love is for me; at least right now.  Her mother has said several times, I should be lucky to have her due to all my medical issues.  Who would put up with my medical issues.  My wife, my MIL says, is a saint.  Yet, I pay just about every bill, work every day, cook, clean and take care of the house.  My medical issues are muscle/spine related.  Nothing mental.  Yet, the wife told the MIL it seems that I have a mental disorder.  Therefore, I went to my doc and requested a psych eval.  She asked why, I said my wife thinks I have a mental disorder.  The doctor said I didn't, however, we went through the testing.  Passed with flying colors.  The only thing I have is chronic pain, no mental disorders.  Showed my wife the report, she laughed and said, honey, I never thought you had a mental disorder.  It's just so said. 

 

I am sorry to hear what you and your spouse/family had to go through.  I hope you are all better in mind, body and soul.  You have a great partner there.  I envy you greatly.

[SheIsBlue]

Hendrixson, your wife has no idea how lucky she is to have someone who does everything and loves her unconditionally.  If it's true that she is staying in the marriage b/c it's easier and more convenient than being divorced, neither of you will ever be happy.  There are many reasons to stay together, convenience is not one of them.  More importantly, the fact that she is uninterested in sex, activities, or anything else where you are concerned, leaves very little left to hold on to.  If I can help further, feel free to message, ok?

[Acesheart]

Hey HH, you deserve much better than you receive from her. She should feel lucky indeed that her man cooks, cleans and works, she needs a reality check. I agree convenience isn't a reason to stay. She's playing head games by walking naked in front if you showing you what you cannot have. I'm getting better but my husband still cuddles and takes care of me when he's home. His Career keeps him gone many days each week, but we make every moment count. I've seen how precious life is and how quickly it can go downhill. Stop doing her a favor and stick up for yourself. You are a catch in my book and any lady would be grateful to have a partner doing the things you are doing. More to marriage than sexy times but we all need the human compassion and physical touches if only to feel whole and alive. Yes, my husband is my best friend, my MIL hates me, long story, but he doesn't show me any disrespect for my ugly feeling about his mom. She's intrusive, ungrateful and nosey as hell and we don't talk, we separate holidays. If her mother is playing any part in how she acts towards you and treats you, cut your losses sweetheart and find a good woman who will support you in all manners of your life. SheIsBlue is very kind and I've seen her heart, support, it's very warm, so message her and talk to someone who is not directly involved and get a better perspective on things, I know love is blind, I'm wearing my Rosey Glasses and I'm doing better taking each day by day  ! Keep us posted honey. Hugs Aces xo 

[HerpeHendrixson]

I appreciate the kind words SheIsBlue, and thank you for the invitation to message you.  I may need it.  I am hoping on a miracle it seems, but who knows.  She talks out of two sides of her mouth.  To her mom and the therapist, she'll leave when she is ready to do so.  To me, she doesn't want to leave.  She's prob. scared of the unknown and the future.  She also thinks I will never leave.  However, as much as I do not want to, I am strongly considering it.  I am just hoping she turns around.  Funny, she says the same thing about me to her mom.  Question is, what is she waiting on me to do?  I ask her, and it's a mum answer.  So, it's hard to do more if I do not know what she wants or is looking for.  I leave it in fates hand to decide. 

[Acesheart]

Hey HH, my first husband, my giver, he thought same thing I'd never leave, he was WRONG! Lol, he was shocked as hell when I walked out. He knew I was abandoned as a child, no biological family, boy was stunned!! Stop trying to please her and save yourself. She isn't worth the pain she's causing you.

[HerpeHendrixson]

I know, just takes me time to build up to it.  I really do not want to, however, I see no other option right now.  It's very painful to see a relationship that was, at one time, appeared to be very strong.  Then, all of a sudden, breakdown to just "friends" or "roommates" at best. 

[Acesheart]

I wasted over 5years with the ex husband thinking and believing he was my best friend in the whole world, we were partners in crime and life! After 4 months of marriage he cheated, when I confronted him with my herpes diagnosis, he laughed at me told me to get over it, walked off as I vomited all over my shirt, he went to bed as if everything was settled. I packed my bags left everything else behind, didn't think about it just did it. In that moment I saw the kind of man he was, wasted piece of scum I had thought he'd die for me, he protect me but I saw the reality of the situation and knew it would never be the fairy tail I'd made it out to be. He didn't LOVE the way I loved and the choice was real and simple and I did what I had to do to survive mentally. He said he Never EVER thought I'd leave him since I had no-one and no where to go, well boy o' boy was he sadly mistaken! Some actions speak louder than any word ever could. Take care of you honey. Protect your heart and trust in you! Hugs Aces xo 

[HerpeHendrixson]

I am so sorry you had to go through that.  I find it very strange how some people just treat others that they claim they "love".  I do believe in karma.  One way or another, all who have done wrong to one, will have it done back to them, eventually.  Again, I am so sorry you had to experience something like that.  A spouse should support the other spouse through thick and thin (within reason).  I thought that was the essence of marriage.  Perhaps, I am too old fashioned.  I do not believe marriage is looked upon that way any longer.  Truly a shame.  It was once a great institution.

[Acesheart]

Hey HH, marriage is different things to different generations. I've learned so much over these past 30 yrs. My husband and I are both old fashioned in our own ways. I expect people for their character and who they are, he feels everyone should act a certain way all the time. He courted me and our first date after he proposed, he had a single red rose and a very ugly tie, I knew he was mine forever!  

You don't have to conform to live happily ever after, make your life, whether good or bad, work for you. Some of our best memories are when I was physically sickest. Just knowing that person is the buffer between you and death is the most fulfilled you can ever experience..  I know he would do for me what I would do for him, we are NOT conforming to what others think is correct, we practice what we spoke and I thank God everyday for giving him to me and our daughter. 

I'm NOT telling you to leave her, that can only be your choice. I am however telling you to be selfish and think of your needs first. It's easy for someone to tell you how to handle a situation when they don't walk in your shoes. I've lived some of your experience and I chose to be selfish, I'm happy I did. Karma did find him, he's passed and God doesn't make mistakes. Hugs Truly Aces xo